Become familiar with your buttons

We’ve all had the experience of having someone snap at us, seemingly out of nowhere. No matter how self-aware we are or how close we are to our partners, we can still react to what we perceive as a judgemental, hurtful or critical remark. This usually happens when one of our buttons gets pushed. Buttons are like tender spots that symbolise wounds that need to be acknowledged and healed. When our buttons get pushed, an emotional reaction is triggered in us. It may be a situation that reminds us of the past and which touches a vulnerable place in us. For example, if you were criticised as a child, you may fly off the handle if your partner says something negative about you. Getting your buttons pushed can cause you to react angrily, feel deeply hurt, fearful or depressed.

Each of us will have our own trigger points depending on our life experiences and individual temperaments. For some of us our Achilles heel might be a remark about our physical appearance, for others it might be an accusation of being untruthful or untrustworthy. Getting emotionally triggered can feel bewildering for both parties and, if not properly handled, the strong feelings that are unleashed can escalate into a full-scale argument. Knowing what our buttons are, taking responsibility for the pain behind them and sharing this with our partner can help us to heal or resolve those vulnerable and highly sensitive places in us.

Do you know what triggers your buttons? Make a list of these and, if it feels right, share one or two with your partner. If your partner seems to be receptive and sympathetic, you may wish to share your whole list, explaining why these things upset you so much. If your partner is willing, you can ask them to make their own button list and share it with you. It obviously requires a great deal of trust to share this information, so if you don’t feel you have established this kind of trust with your partner, you may initially prefer to write your list for yourself.

The things that push my buttons are:

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Learn to collaborate

Each of us functions according to our own timetable. Our priorities concerning what we want to do and when we want to do it don’t always coincide with the priorities of our partner. When we’re in synch with our partners our relationships flow and have a sense of ease. But what happens when our timetables clash? Partners who are out of synch can find it challenging to stay connected, reconcile their differences and find a shared solution that genuinely takes both of their needs and desires into account. Even when the fit between you and your partner is very good, there may still be conflicts to resolve. Your values and vision of a shared future may mirror your partner’s, yet when it comes to living out the details significant differences can emerge. You may both want a child, for example, but find yourselves at loggerheads about the timing. One of you may feel a burning desire to become a parent while the other doesn’t feel ready. To resolve such conflicts, you need to strengthen your ability to collaborate.

The word ‘collaborate’ comes from the Latin meaning ‘to work together’. Working together means being willing to listen to each other and address the issues between you. When you collaborate you have a much better chance of creating a mutually agreeable outcome. Collaboration enables you to strengthen the feeling of ‘we’. Of course, that may mean letting go of previous ideas about what you will or won’t do and what you will and won’t give in on. And it does require flexibility and being willing to compromise – a compromise that meets your shared needs as a couple. However, when you are willing to do this you create the potential to grow together in ways you may not expect.

Each couple will have their own unique dynamic and there isn’t one single solution to the crises and dilemmas we encounter in relationships. But if you are committed to a shared future, it’s important to find shared solutions rather than individual ones. Seeing the whole as greater than the sum of the parts can motivate you to go beyond your individual wants and needs and discover what is best for your relationship. In fact, it can be the saving grace of your relationship. Even if you feel that you know best, true solutions are more likely to be found jointly than individually. Collaborating with your partner means that rather than expect or demand that everything works out on your terms as individuals, you find a way through together.

Think about an issue that needs to be resolved or a decision that you and your partner are experiencing difficulty agreeing on and that you would like to work through together. Take it in turns to express your different points of view. And then ask yourselves whether you can understand, empathise or agree with anything your partner is saying. Before you start, answer the following questions:

• What issue do we want to discuss?
• Are we willing to let go of our positions and be open to another perspective?
• Are we willing and able to respect the other’s point of view?
• Can we accept that there is no right or wrong, just different opinions?
• Is it our intention to arrive at a mutually agreeable outcome?

Once you’ve answered and discussed the above, you can go on to asking each other the following questions:

• What is most important to you?
• What would help me to understand your point of view better?
• What is important to you about maintaining your position?
• What would be your ideal solution to this situation?

It may take a while to work through these questions so be patient and don’t give up if either of you becomes resistant or defensive. However intense or upsetting it can be to challenge yourselves and each other in this way, staying committed to your intention to work through your issue will help you ultimately to create a mutually beneficial outcome. In the process, you might be surprised by what you learn about yourselves and each other and how much more empathy and understanding is created between you. All of which will serve to deepen and strengthen your relationship.

Share your needs with each other

It can feel deeply stressful and frustrating when your partner isn’t understanding or supportive of what you want or need, and there may be times when you react to this by becoming more demanding or argumentative than usual. Your partner may react to this by going into defence – either by withdrawing or retaliating. This sets up a pattern in which you are resisting each other and what is happening between you. You’ll know you’re in resistance when you:

• become stuck or entrenched in a point of view and unwilling to negotiate an alternative perspective;
• feel threatened or fearful and respond by closing down, splitting off or overreacting;
• feel like blocking or avoiding your own or your partner’s emotions.

Resisting what is happening between you and you partner can undermine and potentially sabotage your relationship. One of the ways in which you can break through this resistance is by specifically expressing and taking into account each other’s needs. Asking each other what it is that you need can be immensely revealing and enable your relationship to go to a deeper and more authentic place.

Being aware of your needs in a relationship doesn’t mean that you require your partner to behave in a specific way – that would mean controlling them. Expressing your needs is about you and what is important or even essential to your happiness and well-being. When you and your partner are receptive to each other’s needs, you give each other room to grow and feel good about your relationship.

It’s not always easy to find the right time to talk about your relationship with your partner. Sometimes you just have to seize the moment and blurt out what’s on your mind. At other times you might prefer to arrange an appointed time when you know that you’ll be able to give each other your undivided attention.

Once you’ve made the decision to open up, make sure that you express your feelings along with your underlying need, then make a specific request. For example: ‘I’m feeling sad that we seem to be drifting apart and I need to spend some time with you so that we can talk about our relationship’.

Express your needs

Nathan and Carmen had reached an impasse. They felt that they were essentially compatible but they kept coming up against the same issue. In the end, they decided to get some help. Carmen is a highly motivated woman and was busy forging her career when we met. As a result, she was often distracted and not focused on Nathan and their relationship. Nathan had suggested that they make more time for their relationship and although Carmen agreed, she never seemed to do anything about it. Nathan worked from home and although he too was very busy with work, he was mostly responsible for picking up the children from school and cooking supper. When we discussed this arrangement, Nathan expressed some resentment about the fact that Carmen seemed more interested in her career than their children, their home and their relationship. Although he really enjoyed being with their children, he felt that Carmen was taking him for granted. I asked them both to think about what they needed from each other and to communicate those needs clearly and without blaming or making demands. Some compromise was required as well as a renewed commitment to supporting each other in a mutually beneficial way. They found this process very useful and in a short time they were able to agree on a way of spending more time as a couple and as a family.

Become more intimate

There are lots of ways in which we become intimate with our partners: touching and connecting emotionally and physically, making love, being caring, walking hand in hand along a moonlit beach, enjoying a candlelit dinner and reading in bed together are just some of the ways in which we feel close and connected. But the single most powerful way of creating an intimate bond with each other is by revealing your inner life and showing your true self. The more deep inner truths you share with your partner, the more intimate you become. Of course this doesn’t happen overnight. Opening ourselves up is a gradual process and it takes time and trust to drop through our defensive layers and disclose our innermost selves. Intimacy means being real with each other and showing your whole self, warts and all. To do that you will need to value and trust yourself enough to be able to be open. Intimacy and self-worth are inextricably linked. As you become more self-loving, you become more open and willing to share your self with another person. This openness allows you to be more intimate and more self-loving, thus creating a virtuous circle.

Intimacy isn’t always about expressing yourself in words. It can often be non-verbal, such as looking into each other’s eyes, holding each other’s gaze, making love, listening to music together or giving each other a warm embrace. What’s important is that you express what’s in your heart and how you’re feeling in the moment. Sharing feelings isn’t always easy – even knowing what we are feeling can sometimes be difficult. But withholding them creates a barrier between you and your partner and makes intimacy impossible. So if you are genuinely confused or afraid of what you are feeling, share that with your partner and see what opens up. Self-disclosure is the starting point for genuine intimacy, and the experience of sharing deeply and honestly with your partner creates a strong bond between you.

For your relationship to thrive, you and your partner need to be well matched in your ability to be intimate. True intimacy means:

• being fully there for each other;
• being accepting of each other;
• being emotionally open;
• being present and attentive;
• taking delight in each other’s presence;
• enjoying doing things together;
• being interested in and supportive of each other’s growth and development;
• respecting each other’s space;
• feeling confident in your overall closeness as a couple;
• being best friends.

Be courageous and open enough to expose what is going on inside you and share your deeper selves with each other. The more open you and your partner are with each other, the more intimate you will become.

Cultivate your sensuality

Sex is one of the most sensual of all human experiences and a healthy and natural way for two people to communicate their love for each other. The sexual connection between you and your partner can unite you at a level of communication that can’t be achieved in any other way, and bring your relationship to truly profound levels of intimacy. And the potent mixture of passion, trust and vulnerability that occurs in sexual intimacy can be the catalyst for expressing the deepest feelings one person can have for another.

The sexual intensity that occurs in the early stages of a relationship is very compelling. In such an emotionally charged state hormones run high and endorphins are released that act like stimulants. Not only that, but when you fall in love your serotonin levels increase, creating a strong feeling of happiness and well-being. It’s easy to maintain sexual intensity at this stage, as the newness of the relationship and the chemistry combine to create a heightened sense of excitement. Over time, however, sexual routines become established and sex can become predictable and unexciting. Familiarity may not breed contempt, but it can sometimes lead to a cooling of your sexual attraction for each other.

If you relate to this, don’t despair. You don’t have to resign yourself to a mechanical or non-existent sex life or to ending the relationship in the hope of finding something more exciting. One way of reawakening your desire is by stimulating your sensual energy and appreciating the delights of each sense. Here are just a few ways in which to do that.

• Indulge your sense of touch by getting a massage, luxuriating in satin sheets, feeling the warmth and texture of your partner’s skin.
• Enjoy listening to sensual music. Turn to nature and tune into the sound of the ocean or the rustling of the leaves in the trees. Sing your heart out.
• Surround yourself with divine fragrances. Breathe in the intoxicating scent of a flower in bloom, or the mouth-watering smell of fresh coffee or deliciously cooked food.
• When you’re eating, really savour each mouthful and enjoy the contrasts between sweet, bitter, savoury and spicy. Close your eyes to intensify the sensation. Excite your taste buds by being adventurous.
• Look at everything with the same wide-eyed-wonder that a child would. Look up at the stars sparkling in the night sky and witness the incredible beauty of the natural world. Make your home a sensual environment and surround yourself with things that are visually appealing to you.

Experiment with different ways of expanding your senses. Share these with your partner and don’t be afraid to be adventurous. Cultivating your sensuality will help you to keep your relationship passionate and alive.

Tell the truth

Healing old emotional hurts is an ongoing process. When you are in a relationship with someone you feel safe with and loved by, feelings and emotions that you’ve been repressing or denying will often begin to surface in an attempt to be healed. You are much better equipped to deal with the inevitable tensions that arise between you and your partner if your relationship is honest, supportive and loving. Each time you and your partner get to a new level of intimacy in your relationship, there’s an opportunity to heal another layer of repressed feelings. It might seem paradoxical that the more intimate you become with your partner, the more tension there can be between you. But this happens as you both risk greater vulnerability and honesty, and it is a normal response to becoming more open with each other. If you are committed to growth and a deeper connection with your partner, you will gradually learn to become more honest about your feelings, rather than hiding them from yourself and the person you love.

Telling the complete truth about how you feel can be difficult and painful but it is necessary if you truly want an honest and intimate relationship. Telling the truth means:

• asking for what you want when part of you would rather pretend that everything is fine;
• sharing your sadness or hurt when you’d rather protect yourself from it;
• admitting you’ve made a mistake when it would be easier to project the blame on to your partner;
• revealing secrets that you are reluctant or afraid to divulge.

Sharing how you’re really feeling is a big part of what constitutes intimacy and what makes your relationship so valuable. You are much more likely to thrive as a couple if you don’t hold back from each other or keep secrets. In fact, you become close precisely because you can totally and fully be yourselves with each other.

Write down any secrets, feelings or information that you are withholding from your partner. Then write a few paragraphs about why you are holding back. After you have done that, choose a fairly minor secret, maybe something that you fear your partner wouldn’t like or to which they might have a negative reaction. Find a time when you both feel relaxed and you won’t be interrupted. Start by telling your partner your feelings about whatever it is that you’re locking away. For example:

I want to be completely honest with you, although I am afraid that what I share with you is going to make you angry/upset/distant. However, I know that withholding from you by keeping it to myself is limiting our capacity to be really close.

If you want to open up to your partner but you feel too fearful of the consequences, you might think about enlisting the help of a therapist or a couple’s counsellor. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, as the health of your relationship could depend on it.

Accept the ebb and flow of your relationship

We are all paradoxical by nature and in relationships most of us have the need both to be together as well as have time alone. We all share a longing to connect deeply with others and yet we also need to honour our need for solitude, freedom and space. Each of us needs intimate connection and time away from our relationship to stay in touch with who we are. The need for autonomy is as important as the need to be close. Coming to terms with and learning how to negotiate the basic poles of separateness and togetherness that exist in every relationship can be a challenge. When we acknowledge both sides, we become more whole and our relationships more healthy. Being in an intimate relationship while remaining true to ourselves can be an ongoing challenge. You and your partner are separate individuals with your own life stories, temperaments, preferences, rhythms and life paths. There will naturally be times when you are very connected and times when you feel more apart. Much like the tide ebbs and flows and the moon waxes and wanes, a relationship is a continuous flowing back and forth between joining and separating. The degree to which you are comfortable and accepting of this rhythmic flow will determine the health and success of your relationship.

Relationship v. individuality

As we discover more about ourselves we begin to define ourselves differently in our relationships. When we aren’t really aware of ourselves it may be hard for us to know our partners intimately. But as we grow into ourselves and our relationships, we become more conscious of our individuality and how best to express it. Even though there are times when we merge with our partner, we will inevitably draw back into our own space again and the natural boundaries that exist between us. Boundaries protect us by keeping our definition of ourselves separate from the ideas others have about us. When we fall in love we open our boundaries to let our partner in and we let ourselves be included within our partner’s boundaries. This means allowing our partner to become important enough to us to influence our sense of our own identity.

Ideally, when we are in an intimate relationship, we merge without allowing ourselves to be submerged or suffocated. Our boundaries can open, but they can also close as necessary to protect us. The ability to maintain flexible boundaries in this way depends on how well we know and accept who we really are. Self-knowledge and self-acceptance help us to use our boundaries flexibly. With flexible boundaries and a healthy capacity for merging, joining our lives means our sense of ourselves can grow larger. The challenge for each of us is to strike a balance between relationship and individuality, merging and self-definition.

Deepen your commitment

Being in a committed relationship involves both giving and receiving, working problems out and taking responsibility for the part you play. Even the best relationships have crisis points at certain stages, but these challenges, if consciously handled, can often lead to a renewed commitment. Losing your temper with your partner doesn’t mean that you stop loving each other. The give and take in a committed relationship enables us to let go of our insistence on being right, on getting our way, or competing and winning. That doesn’t mean to say that we won’t disagree with our partners or get into arguments, but when we do the arguments don’t need to last long and can end in resolution. Rather than use the argument as a way of expressing resentment or as a way of raking up the past, you can use the conflict between you as a way of helping to illuminate the deeper issues. Instead of demanding that your expectations be met, you focus on the common goals of your relationship and reaching agreements that work for both of you.

Quality time together

The warmth and tenderness we feel when we’re close to someone we love increases our sense of trust and well-being. This can make it easier for us to risk exposing and confronting what we may have avoided before. Opening up to our partners brings us closer together, making us more willing to take further risks. If you are going to make a relationship work, you need to be present, both physically and emotionally, so that you can share companionship, conversation and affection. The pace of life these days means that we see less of each other. But you simply can’t relate to someone if you’re never together. So make sure that you prioritise each other. With planning it’s possible to arrange quality time together.

If your relationship is worthwhile it’s worth working on. Give it time. Keep up the communication. Never stop knowing that you deserve to be loved. Life is a process, and learning how to relate is a life-long process. You need to grow and let go, learn and expand, make mistakes and forgive. Take the risk of extending yourself. Don’t take each other for granted. Truly be there for each other. If you’re waiting for a relationship, be there for yourself. Look for opportunities to be encouraging and supportive, and try to be more present by listening, noticing and loving. Make it your intention to create a loving relationship. Express your hopes and dreams. Talk about what you appreciate in each other. Be curious about each other and get to know each other better. You might be surprised at how much more there is to discover.

For a relationship to grow and thrive, you need to be willing to take the risk of being more open, vulnerable, loving, committed, honest and courageous. This isn’t always easy, but the rewards are great – both you and your relationship will grow beyond measure. Relationships are always evolving and there will be fresh challenges at each stage. See your lives together as a journey and the challenges as opportunities to deepen your connection with your partner and for you both to become more whole and happy.

Practise being open and authentic in your conversations and intimate moments with your partner. Be really present and willing to fully engage, regardless of how uncomfortable this might feel at times.