Relationships are a mirror

How does this happen? Basically, your partner acts like a mirror, reflecting back to you everything about yourself – both the positive and the negative. When we are blinded by love, we tend to only see the positive. We are attracted to people whose qualities and characteristics we admire or aspire towards. It’s as if we are falling in love with ourselves. This creates a feeling of compatibility, harmony and validation and a sense that we’ve made the right choice. As the relationship evolves, however, we inevitably begin to see traits and behaviours in our partners that we don’t identify with and don’t like. At first we may try to gloss over these, as they make us feel uncomfortable. But in the same way as the irritating presence of a grain of sand in an oyster creates a pearl, bearing the discomfort of our own reaction and finding out what it says about us can be illuminating. The self-awareness we glean offers us the key to being in the best relationship with both ourselves and our intimate partners.

Why do we repeat negative patterns?

Have you ever found yourself repeating a negative pattern in your relationships? Consciously you may want to break these patterns, but somehow they still keep recurring. Typical scenarios include getting involved with the same kind of people and recreating the same kind of painful experiences, or getting stuck in a vicious cycle with your partner and not knowing how to get out of it. So why exactly do we keep repeating patterns that undermine our ability to be happy and create loving relationships? And how can we change these recurring patterns? To answer these questions, we need to take a deeper look at our own psychology.

We are multifaceted by nature and each of us contains a wide spectrum of personality traits, innate characteristics and potential behaviours. Some of them we are aware of and some we are not. Some of these are encouraged and praised by our parents, other authority figures and society at large, such as being kind, thoughtful, polite, hard working and law abiding. Others are deemed bad or negative and are actively discouraged or even condemned. These include such feelings as rage, jealousy, shame, resentment, lust, greed and all the aggressive and sexual tendencies we consider forbidden, dangerous or, in extreme cases, evil.

Because these aspects of human nature are deemed reprehensible and we feel uncomfortable accepting them in ourselves, they become part of our ‘dark side’. When this happens, a shadow personality is created within us. This hidden part of us contains all our repressed aspects which we deny expression. However, just because we banish these rejected facets of ourselves it doesn’t mean that they cease to exist. Instead, they form the part of us that we hide away – not only from others but also ourselves. More often than not, the feelings, traits and qualities that we pretend don’t belong to us are the ones we consider to be negative.

Many of us find it hard to accept our negative traits because we believe that we need to be perfect to be loved. We fear that if our partners knew what we were really like, they would reject us. So we don’t confront what we are afraid of in ourselves and we attempt to keep secrets from ourselves in the hope that we can avoid dealing with our shadow side. We often deny our anger, selfishness and unacceptable behaviours, as well as our other negative qualities, to avoid confronting our limitations or showing our vulnerability. Instead, we create a façade that masks our true selves. The truth is that none of us is perfect and the only way we can be loved and accepted by others is to embrace all of who we are – warts and all. But first we need to discover our unlived parts. And it’s our intimate relationships which offer us the best clues.

We project what we don’t like or recognise about ourselves on to others. As we become aware of our hidden traits and qualities, we can begin to create conscious, authentic and fulfilling relationships.

Become aware of what you hide

All of us have parts of ourselves that we have denied or disowned. So how do we become conscious of our hidden side? The answer is through becoming aware of something that we all do – it’s called ‘projection’. Just as in the same way that a movie camera projects an image on to a screen, we unconsciously project on to others all those aspects of ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge and that we are afraid of, embarrassed about or ashamed of. In fact, any facet of ourselves that we cut off from – positive or negative – we will tend to perceive as belonging to others. How does this work in practice? Try this test.

Start by thinking about your partner’s irritating traits, especially the ones that really get on your nerves. If you’re not in a relationship, think about the traits that most annoyed you about your previous partner and write them down.

The qualities that most annoy me about my partner are:

1

2

3

4

5

6

From your list, are there any characteristics that you have a particularly strong reaction to? Believe it or not, it’s almost certainly because you share those same traits but you just haven’t admitted it to yourself. For example, you may fear your partner’s anger, not realising that it is your own capacity for anger that you fear.

Now list all the traits you do not like in other people – for instance, vanity, selfishness, anger, arrogance, bad manners, unreliability, greed, etc. Come up with as many as you can and keep adding to your list. You might be surprised at how many there are! Are there any that you have to admit you recognise in yourself? Even if you don’t think that any of them belong to you, are you open to the possibility that they just might?

Understand your reactions

Of course, not all our criticisms of others are projections of our own undesirable traits. Sometimes the way in which we react to others is based on our core values and our moral and ethical code. The way to know the difference is how you respond. If you overreact or get excessively emotional, it’s likely that something unconscious in you is being activated. For example, if your partner is arrogant, it is completely reasonable for you to find this unacceptable. But if your reaction is unduly excessive, you can be sure that you are unwittingly projecting on to your partner the very same trait that you aren’t fully aware of or don’t like about yourself.

The next time you get into an argument with your partner or find yourself reacting strongly to one of their traits or behaviours, stop for a moment and take a look at yourself. And ask yourself the following questions:

• What part of me is like this person?
• Have I met this trait before in a previous partner?
• How can I use my reaction to learn something about myself?
• In what way would my relationship benefit from me becoming more aware of myself?

It takes courage to look at ourselves in this way but unless we do we will keep repeating negative patterns ad infinitum. Recognising what belongs to us and integrating our unlived parts means we can create a new template for honest and authentic relationships.

Move from a self-defeating pattern to a self-empowering one

Kim and Luke had been together for a couple of years when I first met them. They both admitted that their relationship was failing and that they were making each other miserable. On talking with them, it became apparent that they were stuck in old patterns and that they were negatively projecting on to each other.

Kim had never really opened up to Luke and revealed her vulnerable side and as a way of protecting herself from hurt, she often got angry with what she perceived as Luke’s lack of warmth and commitment.

Luke on the other hand experienced Kim as aggressive and unfeeling and often kept his distance. So they reinforced their perceptions of each other and perpetuated their unhappiness. As we began to explore their patterns, Kim and Luke began to become more conscious of how they were behaving and why and the way in which their behaviour was impacting on their relationship. Slowly they each began to take responsibility for healing their past hurts and disappointments and this meant that they were able to relate differently to each other and appreciate each other’s positive qualities. Their relationship has blossomed ever since and they now enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship.

What we do not know can and does hurt us and others too

The template for our relationship patterns is created to a large extent by our family of origin. As infants and children we are totally dependent on our parents or caretakers for our physical survival. Not only that, but our ability to grow emotionally and thrive depends on how loved and nurtured we were and how able our parents were to prepare and equip us for independence and adulthood. How successfully this challenge was met will have a huge influence on our psychological make-up. However, no matter how well-intentioned our parents were, many of us will have experienced some kind of wounding in our relationship with them.

It’s not uncommon to feel disappointed, let down, betrayed or angry with our parents for not meeting our demands and expectations. The intensity of these feelings will partly depend on our temperament but largely depend on our family dynamic. For example, if one or both of your parents was dominant, controlling or authoritarian, you will have almost certainly experienced a sense of powerlessness. If this feeling continues into adulthood, you may well ‘choose’ (this is invariably an unconscious choice) a controlling partner who fits your template, and so perpetuate the feeling of powerlessness. Or, you might adopt another strategy and ‘choose’ a partner who is weak, so that you get to feel strong and powerful in contrast. However, this isn’t an authentic strength, as it is dependent on someone else being weak. As long as the legacy of our early conditioning remains unconscious, we will keep being drawn to people with whom we can re-enact our early patterning. These people will in turn be attracted to you because you will mirror each other in some way. This sets up a very painful dynamic in which both parties suffer and remain stuck.

Healing our patterns

But there is a positive side to this. We often repeat a pattern in our relationships until we become more conscious of it and ultimately heal it. This is what psychologists call ‘repetition compulsion’. For example, if you tend to get involved with people who dominate and control you and you don’t recognise this pattern or attempt to change it, you will almost certainly attract the same kind of dynamic in the next relationship. This sets up a painful vicious cycle which can only be broken when you become aware of this recurring pattern and why you are recreating the same scenario.

None of us consciously sets out to experience the same hurt that we felt in a previous relationship. We wouldn’t be that masochistic. It is often bewildering, frustrating, upsetting and demoralising to find ourselves repeating a negative pattern, especially when we are at a loss as to why we keep tripping ourselves up in this way. Carl Jung said that the psyche is always striving for wholeness, and one of the ways in which this happens is by attracting partners into our lives who can help us to integrate the disowned parts of ourselves. In that sense, everyone is our teacher, whether they are aware of it or not. Some lessons we grasp very easily and others take longer to learn. Some are relatively pain-free, while others can connect us to our deepest wounds.

Make a list of your past relationships. You may have a short or long list, several short relationships or just one long one. This exercise may trigger different feelings in you, some painful, some sad, some happy and sweet. Take your time and be gentle with yourself as you reflect on your previous relationships and don’t judge yourself or your partner.

Look at these relationships objectively and acknowledge what wasn’t working in each of these relationships and why they didn’t last. Focus on any fears, insecurities and emotions that you experienced and the part that they played in the quality and outcome of your relationships. Look at the common denominators in these relationships. Have you attracted similar experiences? Is there a recurring theme and, if so, what is it? What does this reveal about you?

As you start to become aware of your patterns you will begin to see yourself more clearly. This is a very empowering process and will enable you to create new, healthy patterns based on who you really are. Your authenticity will give you the freedom to enjoy close, honest and loving relationships. And experience the joy of being totally yourself and loved for who you are.

From fantasy to reality

However much we think we know why we are attracted to certain people, our rationale is only the tip of the iceberg. Apart from our deeper agenda of wanting to become aware of and heal our patterns, there is another factor that influences our relationship choices. We each carry an inner image of the kind of partner we are seeking. Our parents and our intrinsic nature shape such images. However, what happens is that we frequently and unknowingly paint these inner images on to people we are attracted to, and we believe that that is who they really are. In the same way as we project our disowned selves on to our partners, we will also project this inner image of our ideal partner on to whoever is a good ‘hook’. However, given the nature of projection, the qualities and characteristics we ‘see’ in others don’t always exist in reality.

For example, your inner image of your ideal partner might be of someone strong, powerful and heroic, or selfless, compassionate and unconditionally loving. Whatever your inner image is, you will be attracted to people who appear to embody those qualities. Sometimes the person we fall in love with matches our inner image – at least at the beginning. But often we are disappointed when our ideal and the reality of the person don’t quite match up. Consider this – how many times have you got involved with someone and ‘seen’ them in a particular way, only to find out that they weren’t what you thought they were at all? How did you feel? Let down, cheated, misled, betrayed, angry or disappointed? Did you believe that it was your partner who had changed? Although some people do consciously deceive their partners into thinking they are something they’re not, mostly we deceive ourselves. When our image of our partners clashes with reality, it’s as if a spell is broken. And we wake up to the truth of who we are in a relationship with.

This awakening – however rude – also offers us a glimpse into our own nature. When you see your partner as a mere mortal, you have a choice. You can either blame or resent them for not conforming to your idealised image. Or you can begin to see them for who they are – a complex mix of different qualities and flaws, strengths and weaknesses – just like you. And you can make the more challenging choice of seeing the part you have played in this story. This enables your relationship to become more rooted in awareness and reality.

Think about what type of person you are attracted to.

• What do they look like?
• What is it about these people that fascinates and enthrals you?
• How do they make you feel when you are with them?
• What might this say about the inner image you carry of your ideal partner?
• How often have you fallen in love with an image only to wake up to a very different reality? Describe what happened.

Give yourself time to think about these questions. Becoming aware of the kind of person you feel irresistibly drawn to and understanding why this person feels so compelling to you takes time. But it’s a fascinating journey and what you discover about yourself in the process empowers you to create more conscious and committed relationships.

It’s what we don’t know about ourselves that tends to hurt us. We often blithely go into relationships without knowing who we really are or who the other person really is. When we have a better understanding of our own psychology and become aware of our relationship patterns then we can choose more positive, affirming ways of being in a relationship.

Choose one recurring relationship pattern and see whether it is still operative in your life. Commit to changing it and becoming more mindful of how this pattern plays out. If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner about a relationship pattern and see how open and receptive they are to what you have to say.