Introduction
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances. If there is a reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung, psychiatrist
Are you in the kind of relationship that you’ve always dreamt of? Or does the state of play between you and your partner leave much to be desired? And if you’re not in a relationship, are you longing for the right person to come into your life but don’t seem to attract them?
Everyone dreams of finding the perfect mate. We have all been brought up on fairy tales that tell us that we will live happily ever after, once we find that other person – our other half. The term itself suggests we are incomplete until we find that special someone. In fact our very well-being would seem to depend on how successful our relationships are.
Relationships – at least the good ones – enrich and enhance our lives and make us feel more alive. They are precious gifts which enable us to grow, discover more about who we are and expand into a fuller, more joyful sense of ourselves. Relationships also challenge us to look at ourselves, recognise and accept the parts of our personality that we don’t like or are unaware of, and understand why we behave in certain ways.
Virtually everyone has the potential to create a brilliant relationship, no matter where you are in your life or what your personal history is. But in order to do this, you need to be willing to let go of your preconceived ideas and spend some time getting to know what’s right for you and what makes you happy. Then you can start to focus on attracting your perfect match or bringing more sparkle into your existing relationship.
So, how do we achieve the quality of relationship we are seeking? And is this within our control? We do have a choice. We can either struggle to preserve the outdated fantasies and old models of relationships, even though they don’t match reality or offer any real hope of happiness. Or we can learn to see the challenges we are currently experiencing in finding our perfect match or feeling fulfilled in our partnerships as opportunities to create a completely new concept of relationships.
If we choose the latter approach, relationships can be a way of reaching a deeper understanding of what makes us and our partners tick. That awareness enables us to be clear about what we want and how to fulfil our needs. Without that understanding we are groping in the dark. So if you’re not in a relationship, how do you find love? And if you are in a relationship, how do you keep it alive and growing?
There isn’t one single answer to these questions. But as you read this book think of it more like a process in which you gradually discover how to have the best relationship with yourself and your partner, or, if you are single, how to attract the right partner for you. Each chapter takes you deeper into the process and is designed to give you guidance, insight and inspiration on how to:
- increase your self-worth and what you feel you deserve;
- recognise the value of being alone and embrace having time to yourself;
- break recurring negative patterns;
- let go of the past and move on;
- make more conscious choices when selecting a partner;
- attract your perfect match;
- master the art of keeping your relationship healthy and happy.
When we are in a fulfilling relationship, the world seems a more colourful, expansive and bountiful place. Conversely, when we long for a relationship or feel unhappy with the one we are in, we can feel deeply lonely and dissatisfied. That doesn’t mean that you can’t lead a joyful and fulfilled life without a partner. Of course you can. In fact there are times when it’s important that you do. Often we need to spend time alone in order to take stock of our lives, heal and develop ourselves in our own right. This, as we will see in Chapters 1 and 4, is an immensely valuable and often essential commitment that we need to make to ourselves if we want to be in an intimate, balanced, respectful and loving relationship. But if we’re really honest with ourselves, most of us will admit that no matter how capable we are of being on our own or how hurt we may have been in the past, being in a joyful, supportive and fulfilling relationship is what we truly desire. We want a relationship in which we can thrive and grow and, most importantly, be loved for who we are.
Take stock of your life
So first you need to be willing to take a look at yourself, your relationships both past and present and the choices that you have made to date. This can be challenging – and immensely rewarding – as well as essential if you truly desire to create a brilliant relationship. The key to a happy relationship is choosing the right person. And you can’t do that until you know yourself well enough to trust your choices and discover what – and who – you really want. The more aware you become, the more control you have over your choices. In fact understanding why you make the choices you do can make or break a relationship.
The key to a happy relationship is knowing what you want and how to choose the right person.
The power of relationships
Through our understanding of psychology over the last century it has become apparent that relationships have the potential to:
- fulfil our desires and deepest longings;
- open our hearts;
- connect us with our vulnerability;
- bring out the best – and sometimes the worst – in us;
- expose our ‘shadow’;
- provide a source of comfort and security;
- alleviate our sense of isolation;
- benefit our health and well-being;
- help us grow and develop;
- offer us greater awareness and a deeper understanding of ourselves, our expectations and the way in which we relate to others.
It is no wonder that we place so much importance on relationships and that they have such a powerful influence in our lives! So where do you start?
One step at a time
The beginning of your journey towards creating a brilliant relationship starts with Chapter 1. This chapter offers you specific insights and tools to help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and grow in self-awareness. This involves taking the time to get to know yourself better, feeling good about who you are, and committing to a happier and healthier relationship with yourself. Inspirational exercises and questions help you to:
- identify your core values and the importance of honouring them;
- discover your deepest needs and how to fulfil them.
Chapter 2 helps you to take an honest look at your expectations and beliefs. These hold a key to the quality of your relationships and will powerfully influence your choices and experiences. Fortunately, your beliefs and expectations are not written in stone. This chapter shows you how you can transform the ones that limit you and enhance the quality of your relationships.
Good communication is fundamental to a successful relationship. In fact how well you and your partner communicate can make or break your relationship. Chapter 3 outlines the successful principles of communication that will help you to resolve conflicts and radically improve the way in which you communicate and interact in relationships.
Chapter 4 focuses on breaking up and moving on and will help you to recognise when a relationship is over, navigate the pitfalls of this difficult transition, understand the importance of letting go and feel positive about creating a new life. Then Chapter 5 on the space in between shows you all the different ways in which you can come into your own when you are not in an intimate relationship and feel really good about this stage in your life.
Most of us have found ourselves repeating patterns in our relationships. Even when we think we have moved on, we can suddenly find ourselves in an all too familiar scenario without understanding how we got ourselves there. Chapter 6 demystifies this phenomenon and offers clear guidance on how to recognise and change negative patterns and create much more fulfilling relationships.
Chapter 7 gives you specific insights into how to become more confident and attract your perfect match – in other words, the one that works best for you. Discover the secrets of the law of attraction and what makes you irresistible.
Chapter 8 stresses the importance of creating an equal relationship in which both you and your partner feel authentic and empowered. You’ll discover how to transform power struggles into more equal relationships and balance your own needs with those of your partner.
Letting go of the past can be one of our greatest challenges. So often we hang on to unresolved emotions such as grief or anger from a previous relationship and this blocks our chances of happiness in the present. Chapter 9 gives clear examples and guidance on how to heal past wounds and free yourself from your past once and for all.
When you lovingly tend a garden everything in it thrives. Think of your relationship in the same way. Chapter 10 shows you how to cultivate your relationship so that it flourishes. Find out how to keep a relationship from going to seed, and discover ways in which to keep growing and discovering new things about yourself and your partner. This chapter gives you the tools to enjoy greater intimacy and deeper fulfilment with your partner. Falling in love and being in an intimate relationship can make us feel very vulnerable and as a result we can become quite fearful. Find out how to let go of control, and learn to trust and engage wholeheartedly in your relationship.
Living happily ever after doesn’t mean that you will never again experience a difficult patch in your relationships. So you need to be confident in your ability to resolve any problems that arise. In the last chapter the ten essential principles of a successful relationship are revealed.
Whether you’re single or attached, ready to meet someone or wary of getting involved again, the journey on which you are about to embark will inspire you to:
- have the best relationship with both yourself – a prerequisite for having a great relationship – and your partner;
- become a magnet for your perfect match.
So, are you ready to take the plunge and commit to discovering more about you, and become an expert at creating and enjoying a deeply fulfilling intimate relationship? If the answer is yes, then turn the page and take the next step.