STEP 4

USE A MUTUAL CONNECTION

Compare two situations: (1) I contact you out of the blue; (2) I contact you and tell you that I know your friend (or your uncle or your boss or your sister or your customer or your former teammate or anyone else you know). In the second situation, I carry a lot more weight with you. Why? Because how you treat me may have implications for other relationships which matter to you; for the simple reason that there is a person out there in the world whom we both know and who matters to you.

First rule of mutual connections: Make sure there is a positive relationship between the decision-maker you are trying to reach and your mutual connection. Imagine this: I contact you and tell you that I know your old teacher (the one you most despised in high school) or your uncle (the one who always pinched you and called you names) or someone you went to college with (the one who dumped you after your second date). Sometimes it’s better not to mention mutual connections, so always check. Once you’ve confirmed that your connection is positive, you can go on to the second rule.

Second rule of mutual connections: Don’t ask your mutual connection to make the introduction for you, or you’ll be paralyzed. You won’t be able to go ahead and introduce yourself—you’ll have to wait until your connection gets around to introducing you. That may or may not happen, and even if it does, it’s not likely to happen very soon. Moreover, you may be asking your connection to do something that, for whatever reason, he or she is not comfortable with (although don’t expect your connection to tell you that). You may be asking more than you realize.

Instead, explain that you are planning to reach out to the person you want to contact. Ask the connection for advice; ask questions about the person, his or her work, the best way to reach the person, the status of your connection’s relationship with the person. Then, simply ask if you can use the connection’s name when you get in touch with the person. By following this rule, you’re actually doing your mutual connection a favor: giving him or her the chance to help two people—both you and the person you want to reach—without having to do anything. You also maintain control over the process. Once you have a name to use, you’re ready to follow the next rule.

Third rule of mutual connections: Use the connection’s name shamelessly in your attempts to communicate with the decision-maker. For example, format your letters, faxes, and e-mails like this:

Then send copies of every communication to your mutual connection. They might get tossed out, but by keeping your connection in the loop, you will be showing respect and recognizing the person’s help. The decision-maker will also be more conscientious in dealing with you, for he or she will feel a greater sense of accountability about the relationship.