Chapter 4
The Signs of Good Coaching
Coaching frequently takes place one player at a time. Forget those fiery “Win one for the Gipper!” locker room speeches (or their business equivalent, the motivational meeting). That’s not where the heart and soul of coaching really happen. You’ll do your most effective coaching one on one, face to face before the game starts.
In this chapter, we discuss some guidelines to help you plan and perfect your coaching technique.
Body Language
Let’s take a look at two scenarios that illustrate the positive and the negative uses of body language to send a message.
In the first scenario, Hank hesitates at his boss’s office doorway. It has taken nearly all his courage to come this far, and now he’s trying to push on for the last couple of feet.
Maureen, his boss, is frowning at her computer screen, as if expecting it to tell her what to do next. She glances up and sees Hank, and the frown deepens.
“If you’re busy…,” Hank stammers.
“I’m always busy,” Maureen says. “Aren’t we all? But come on in.”
Her gaze lingers on the screen. She leans back in her chair, folds her arms across her chest, heaves a sigh, and says, “What can I do for you?”
The second scenario begins in a similar way. Hank teeters on Maureen’s doorstep, as she scowls at her computer screen. Sensing Hank’s presence, she looks up. This time she looks him in the eye and smiles.
“If you’re busy…,” he stammers.
“I’m always busy,” she replies, smiling. “Aren’t we all? But come on in.”
She stands up, comes out from around the desk, and waves toward one of the two chairs facing each other a few feet to the side of the desk. “What can I do for you?” she says.
Same words, different body language, and very different outcomes. In the first example, Hank won’t feel at ease, and Maureen will probably not hear what she needs to know.
THE TWO MAUREENS
I’ll tell you a little secret about the two Maureens. The second Maureen, who welcomed Hank with her words and actions, was no less busy than the first one. She was no less preoccupied, under no less pressure, perhaps even no happier to see him appear unexpectedly at her door. She just acted in a more approachable way. You should, too, if you really want to be an effective coach.
In both versions, Maureen’s words indicate that she’s okay (if not totally thrilled) with Hank’s interruption. In the first scene, her body language contradicts her words, sending the clear message that Hank is intruding on something important. By glancing at her screen, leaning back, and crossing her arms, she sends a clear message that Hank is not a priority, and her whole demeanor is rather “closed” and defensive. In the second version, her actions reinforce her words, expressing her willingness to give Hank time and attention.
Which speaks louder—her actions or her words?
When the two signals are at odds, employees will believe the actions every time. That’s because nonverbal communication (body language, gestures, expression, tone of voice, etc.) have a powerful impact on any message. Attention may be focused on the words being said, but all those nonverbal cues are subconsciously processed as well. Nonverbal cues effectively communicate emotions, state of mind, and attitudes; are reliable indicators of true feelings; and may even contradict verbal messages. Body language specifically can account for 60–70 percent of your message!
Nonverbal communication Body movement and position, gestures, expression, tone of voice, and any other way to communicate without words.
Hank doesn’t feel welcome in the first scenario and as a result, he gets more nervous. He stands little chance of expressing his concerns or asking his questions. In the second version, Maureen has given herself a much better chance to do some unscheduled coaching and gather important feedback. Hank is more relaxed as he sees her commitment to listening to him when she gets up and moves away from her computer, meeting him as an equal on the same side of the desk.
The Benefits of an Open-Door Policy
There are two key reasons why you should welcome the employee who drops in to talk.
The first reason is that the employee gets to say what’s on her mind. You want your workers to feel they can talk to you. More important, they need to know you’ll listen and pay attention to their concerns and suggestions. Lacking that assurance, they’re more likely to feel stifled, frustrated, and perhaps bitter and alienated. Unhappy workers don’t do their best work. They’ll still express their concerns, of course—to each other, when you’re not around, fueling the office grapevine and lowering morale.
WHAT HANK KNOWS
Hank may not be accurate in his perceptions of the job, his performance, other people’s performances, Maureen’s fairness, or anything else. He is an expert on only two subjects: what he thinks and how he feels.
Maureen is well aware of that and may not agree with him on many issues. She shouldn’t pretend to agree when she doesn’t. Nor should she promise anything she can’t or won’t do or any outcome she can’t or won’t deliver.
But she can and should listen and respond honestly. Every employee deserves that attention and respect.
A second key reason for welcoming an employee dropping by is the opportunity you get to hear her concerns or questions.
You want and need to hear what each employee has to say. Gathering information about employees—their attitudes as well as their aptitudes—is fundamental to good coaching. You can’t coach them if you don’t know them.
If you aren’t glad to see the employee who drops in to talk, fake it. You read that right. Even if you aren’t happy with the interruption, one of your options is to simply act as if you are. Hypocritical? Not at all.
We aren’t talking about how you feel. We’re talking about being a more effective manager. You need the employee’s input, and that employee needs you to be willing to listen, regardless of how you feel. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself, but act on your awareness. Get out of your chair. Work up a smile if you can (at least ditch the scowl). Come out from behind your desk.
KNOW WHEN TO CLOSE THE DOOR
It’s advisable to have an open-door policy, but know when to shut the door. Your employee may come to you with sensitive, personal, or very private matters. Respect their privacy when necessary. A closed door can help create a safe space for a person to express himself.
Don’t fake the listening. You must will yourself to focus on what the employee is saying. (You’ll often find that easier to do if you get up to greet the person at your door.) Remember, Hank’s no dummy. He can tell that Maureen is busy, and he can usually tell if she isn’t happy to be interrupted. He may even expect that, which is why he waited so long to come see her and why he’s so nervous about it. But he can also pick up on her willingness to put her work and worry aside, even if she doesn’t feel like it. He’ll appreciate her for it, because it shows him that he’s important to her.
With practice, you can become very convincing and authentic in the role of open, willing listener. Here’s the bonus: Your feelings will follow your actions. Act as if you’re happy to see that employee who’s interrupting your work, and you’re apt to feel it, at least a little. Once again, just the physical movements of getting up, moving around your desk, shaking hands, and so forth can really help you get out of your solo mode and into the one-on-one. (See Chapter 6 for more on listening skills.)
If it’s really a bad time for an interruption and you can’t give the employee your attention now, not even for two minutes, say so. He’ll appreciate your honesty, if you handle the situation properly.
There’s a good way and a bad way to do this.
NOT LISTENING: THEY KNOW
If you’re not really listening, your employees will be able to tell. They’ll sense it at the time, and they’ll know for sure later when you fail to act on—or remember—the conversation they thought they were having with you.
If that happens, you may not have to worry about being interrupted again. The employees might not be back. They don’t want to waste your time, and they sure don’t want to waste their own. Like Hank, they’re no dummies.
If you say, “I’m busy right now. I’ve got to finish this report for the management meeting,” the employee hears (essentially): “Go away. You’re not as important to me as the managers.”
A better approach is to say, “I’d really like to know what’s on your mind, but I need to finish this report for a meeting at 10. How about if I come and find you as soon as the meeting ends, probably about 11, so we can talk then?”
Here’s the key: follow your “later” with a “when.” If now isn’t a good time, set a time that’s good for both of you, rather than just leaving it to “whenever.”
NOW RATHER THAN LATER
Before you reschedule, ask the employee what he or she wants to talk about. You may find that you can address the issue in a sentence or two and don’t need a future meeting. Ask, “What do we need to talk about?,” which should sound like “How can I be prepared for our talk?” Then keep your appointment.
“Speaking” Body Language
Imagine that you can’t stop talking, no matter how hard you try, and you always say exactly what you feel and think. Jim Carrey made a movie based on this premise (an attorney who can’t lie!) and delivered the laughs when his character got into big trouble.
In real life, it wouldn’t be so funny, would it?
But consider this—your body “speaks” for you all the time, telling people how you feel and what you think through your expressions, gestures, and posture.
You show apprehension, impatience, displeasure, and disrespect with a tapping pencil and jiggling feet, with shrugs and sighs and scowls. You do, that is, unless you learn to control your body language—just as you’ve learned to control your tongue.
In the first scenario, Maureen folded her arms across her chest, an indicator of defensiveness and signal of being closed off. She remained seated, a sign of disrespect and unwillingness to be interrupted. She kept a huge prop—her desk—between herself and Hank, presenting a physical as well as a psychological barrier. This set up her visitor as an adversary.
STUDYING HUMAN NATURE
Take a moment from time to time for a nature study—human nature, of course.
The next time you’re in a meeting, look around the room. How are people sitting? What are their facial expressions? What gestures are they making? Can you tell if they are engaged or disengaged? If so, how can you tell? Then, ask yourself how those postures, expressions, and gestures make you feel. What do they say about how those people feel?
You can learn a lot by observing the body language around you.
In the second scenario, Maureen stood up, moved out from behind the desk, and invited Hank to sit with her as an equal. (We’re assuming that her chair wasn’t higher or better than his. If you have two different chairs, offer your guest the better one.) Most important, she made eye contact with Hank, which is the most fundamental way to create an atmosphere for an honest exchange.
By her actions as well as her words, Maureen sent a powerful message of openness and acceptance.
Presenting your own body language appropriately and reading others’ body language accurately are good starts. You can use this knowledge to connect with your employees and create rapport when coaching them.
A professional coach knows to match the client’s energy—as mentioned elsewhere, this means respecting their worldview, but it also includes matching their vocal tone and body language to a certain extent. Think about it—you’re feeling down and out because, say, your beloved dog is sick. Imagine that someone comes at you with a big, cheesy smile and a patronizing request to “turn that frown upside down!” You probably have to fight down the urge to smack that person around.
Matching or closely mimicking an employee’s tone of voice and energy level shows that you respect him and where he is emotionally at the moment. When you’ve gained rapport at that level, a person will start to feel listened to and valued—respected, not dismissed. You can then carefully bring them up to a higher energy level by gradually increasing the energy in your voice. Be aware of whether the person is “coming along with you” and modulate your tone appropriately.
In terms of body language, you can practice mirroring, which means that you are essentially mimicking the other person’s body language, mirror image. Is she sitting back in the chair, with her legs crossed? You sit the same way. When she leans forward and uncrosses her legs, you might wait a moment or two and then do the same. You don’t have to be rigid about it, and you shouldn’t appear as if you’re mocking the other person (some are sensitive to this, especially if they have a quirky thing they do that no one else does, like twisting their hair around their index finger).
Mirroring The practice of duplicating (mirror image) a person’s body language to match his or her energy and put him or her at ease.
If you have been mirroring your employee’s body language for a while, and the rapport is building, you can then start to lead the person when you are moving toward action steps and solutions. You are no longer mimicking the other person’s actions, you are making your own deliberate body language changes. Chances are good the other person will match you! Lean forward, and they will lean forward; relax a bit and they will relax. You can use this subtle technique to bring them along into higher energy and forward momentum.
The Elements of a Good Coaching Session
To conduct a good coaching session, you need to (1) establish a purpose, (2) establish ground rules, (3) stay focused, (4) avoid monologues, (5) speak clearly and simply, and (6) stay open to new ideas. Let’s look closely at these elements.
Establish a Purpose
In our example for this chapter, Maureen didn’t initiate the meeting; Hank did. But she needs to know the agenda, and so would you. The best way to find out is to ask.
Your tone of voice is crucial. Use a relaxed, conversational tone with genuine curiosity.
Your words matter, too, of course. If you ask, “What can I do for you?” you assume that you’re the one who will do the helping. However, the employee may think that he can do something for you, and maybe he can. If you ask, “So, what’s bothering you?” you’re sending a negative message with pessimistic expectations. The employee may think that you’ve labeled him as a malcontent. He might feel hesitant to express what’s on his mind.
Keep it simple. “What’s up?” or “What brings you here?” will do the job just fine.
If you seek out the employee, the same principles apply, although you wouldn’t be asking what they want to talk about if you have a topic of discussion in mind. However, you can still offer an open invitation that will help set them at ease. For instance, you might say, “Keith, let’s discuss some opportunities for moving forward” or “Susan, can we have a brainstorming [or debriefing] session on this project?”
DON’T ASSUME
Don’t assume the employee is there to complain. Don’t assume he’s there because he’s angry. And don’t assume she’s there because she needs something.
He says: “I want to talk about my new assignment.”
You assume he means he doesn’t like his assignment and ask, “What’s wrong with it?”
Now both of you are on the defensive. Chances of a productive conversation are already slim. Let’s start over.
He says: “I want to talk about my new assignment.”
You make no assumptions. You just say, “Sure. What about it?”
What if you don’t remember what his or her new assignment is? (Hey, it happens to all of us. You really are busy and preoccupied, and you’ve got a lot of people in your department.) Don’t bluff. Don’t hope to figure it out while he’s talking. Ask. Make sure that you’re both on the same page from the start.
Although you might begin the conversation with some social small talk, keep this brief. If that employee is wondering and worrying about the reason for your visit, your attempts at being sociable are likely to increase the curiosity and the discomfort.
Be respectful of their time: “Can you take maybe 15 minutes now? Or would you prefer to set a time for us to meet?”
Establish Ground Rules
The best business meetings (staff meetings, updates, brainstorming) have some sort of agenda and expected rules, even if they aren’t in writing. An effective meeting has a clear purpose and protocols (i.e., starting on time, tabling side discussions, whether decisions are made by consensus or majority vote). As with any meeting, you and the employee need to have a common understanding of certain factors when having a one-on-one discussion. The most important factors are time and roles.
USEFUL PROTOCOLS
The military has a tradition of rigid hierarchies that would be inappropriate in a business setting. But you can still learn from military protocol.
When an officer wants soldiers to relax in his presence, he tells them so, quite clearly: “At ease.” Then the soldiers know they can move about freely.
When a soldier wants to express something, she makes a request, again quite plainly: “Permission to speak freely, sir?”
Of course, the manager–employee relationship is generally less confining than the officer–soldier relationship. But you can learn from the military that you need to maintain a professional relationship, even in a more relaxed setting or in a one-on-one meeting.
You need to establish a clear time frame for your discussion. If the employee initiates the contact and doesn’t ask for a specific amount of time, ask how much he needs or establish the limit yourself. (“I’ve got a meeting in 10 minutes. Is that going to be enough time? If not, can we meet later, maybe around 3 p.m.?”) This respects your time and your employee’s time. People are busy!
A professional coach keeps a client session confidential. In the business world, this isn’t always possible for a manager-coach to do. Be clear to your employees if and when you have to report something—for instance, an allegation or admission of illegal activity or suicidal thoughts—to someone else. You are not a doctor, therapist, or priest, and you are not bound by confidentiality privilege, even if the employee asks you to keep it to yourself. Be aware of reporting protocols and any company guidelines on when to say something, and be sure your employees know where your obligations and responsibilities lie.
You both need to remember who’s the manager and who’s the employee. Keep things on a professional basis. You may like your employee as a person, but in the workplace, be clear about separating personal and business roles. Remember: Your job is to manage them, not be their friend.
If you don’t maintain the manager–employee relationship in a one-on-one meeting, you might wind up with information you can’t act on and maybe information you shouldn’t even have. You might get inappropriate requests from an employee, which might be viewed as favoritism by others. You might learn things you didn’t want to know (gossip) about other workers.
Stay Focused
You’ll want to stay focused on the reason for the employee’s visit, of course. But there’s more involved in keeping focused during the meeting than just listening. Here are a few guidelines.
Avoid making “noise.” This is anything that distracts from the atmosphere. As the old song goes, “Every little movement has a meaning all its own.” Whatever you do should contribute to the discussion and support your connection with the employee.
Don’t look at your computer or phone. Not even once. Turn off the monitor; silence your cell phone or put it out of sight; don’t answer your office phone. That will get rid of the temptation to look—and it conveys a clear message to the employee of the importance you place on the conversation.
Don’t touch your papers. Again, if you might be tempted, set all papers aside on your desk as soon as you welcome your visitor. One small action can reduce the temptation and show respect and interest.
Don’t fidget. Be aware of any nervous habits you might have and try to still them. Focusing intently on the other person and putting your full attention on the topic at hand will help with this.
We come back to these points when we talk about active listening in Chapter 6.
Another aspect of staying focused is to pay attention to the specific issue being discussed.
“I’ve got a problem with the way the office is being run,” a worker challenges you. What’s your response?
Let’s consider a few possibilities and the advantages and disadvantages of each response, with a little speculation about the likely results.
Option A: “You and me both. What’s your beef?”
Pluses: Honest. Down-to-earth. Establishes rapport, empathy, common ground.
Minuses: Invites a general gripe session.
Probable Outcome: You both complain, and perhaps feel better for having vented, but you won’t be any closer to finding a solution.
Hidden Danger: You’ll lose stature in your employee’s eyes. It’s fine that you share her sense of outrage, but you’re the boss. If you’ve noticed a problem, why haven’t you done something about it?
Option B: “Really? I thought things were going pretty well.”
Pluses: Again, honest and down-to-earth.
Minuses: Establishes a debate. Your worker must now “prove” herself right—which means proving you, the boss, wrong.
Probable Outcome: You’ll shut her up and shut her down. She might appear to agree with you. But she’ll walk away unconvinced and angry.
Hidden Danger: You won’t hear from her again. By now you should know that not hearing from your employees is your problem, not theirs.
Option C: “Yeah? Well, you know what they say: If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”
Pluses: Again, engages the issue head-on.
Minuses: Negative and accusatory. Worker has to defend herself. Suggests that anyone who notices a problem better take responsibility for solving it or just keep quiet.
Probable Outcome: Worker shuts up.
Less Likely Outcome: Worker fights back, and you’ve got an argument. The verbal sparring may be more productive than silence, but it probably won’t get you any closer to real understanding or a solution.
Hidden Danger: The dangers here aren’t hidden. Nobody could miss them.
Option D: “Hmm.”
Pluses: Doesn’t lead the conversation or indicate any position. Allows the worker to set the agenda. Indicates you’re paying attention.
Minuses: But not much attention. Psychologists get away with this kind of stuff, but it doesn’t work as well for managers if a clear response is expected.
Probable Outcome: Your worker may have a tough time getting started without a little help. Or she may feel a need to balance your monosyllabic response by filling out the conversation, which means it might take longer to get to the point.
Hidden Danger: You’re seen as passive and noncommittal.
Option E: “What specifically should we talk about?”
Pluses: You put the responsibility for the conversation where it belongs. More important, you’ve taken the first step toward taking the complaint from general to specific.
Minuses: You might feel that you lose control over the exchange by letting the worker take the lead, but that’s a good thing in the world of coaching.
Probable Outcome: The worker will tell you what’s really on her mind.
Less Likely Outcome: The worker doesn’t really have anything specific in mind and has nothing to say. In that case, you can let a little silence grow. Be patient. It’s all right to let her think about it. It’s her move.
Option F: “What’s the problem? Is it the way the mail gets distributed in the afternoon? I’ve had a lot of complaints about that. Or do you want to tell me nobody’s cleaning out the refrigerator in the break room? Or maybe it’s …”
Pluses: You’re concerned and demonstrate awareness.
Minuses: You’re giving a multiple-choice test. The worker has to choose from your menu. You may also be bringing up problems she hasn’t noticed, which she may then add to her list. You are also putting words in her mouth and making assumptions that may not be accurate.
Probable Outcome: In the best case, the worker will wait you out and tell you what’s really on her mind—or try to, anyway. In the worst case, she may feel as though she’s just adding to your list of problems and may assume you’ll be too busy with the other problems to pay any attention to hers.
Hidden Danger: You thought you were communicating the fact that you’re on top of things, but the employee might think you’re just throwing up a smoke screen.
Pick Option E for the best coaching opportunity. Or maybe you’ve got a better option. (Just consider the pluses, minuses, probable outcome, and hidden dangers before you decide that it’s better.)
Whatever you do, define the issue and limit the discussion to something manageable. You’ll get other chances to discuss other concerns—but only if you resolve this specific concern right now.
Avoid Monologues
Don’t launch into a monologue or give a lecture. If you’re coaching effectively, your employee should do most of the talking. Have a conversation.
This holds true no matter which one of you initiates the session. You’re the coach and the employee is the player who can benefit from your guidance. It’s generally better for the player to act and the coach to react.
Your job when coaching is to ask questions that elicit the employee’s resourcefulness. Offer suggestions only if the person seems truly stuck—and be prepared for the person to choose whether or not to follow the suggestion (he may decide it’s not right for him).
Communicate Clearly
Use words that form bridges rather than raise barriers.
Whether you’re coaching an employee or meeting with other managers or whether you’re talking with the man who scrubs the toilets or the woman who chairs the board of directors, these recommendations will help you communicate more effectively.
PASS, PLAY, COUNTEROFFER
A useful tool when offering a suggestion to an employee (if he truly seems stuck on how to move forward) is to present the idea or technique and then ask: “Pass, play, or counteroffer?” This kind of language demonstrates that it’s entirely up to the employee to decide whether a suggestion will work for him. You should not be emotionally invested in whether he decides to try it or not. “Pass” means the suggestion is not right for the person. “Play” means she will commit to doing it (and put it on her action list!). “Counteroffer” means it needs a little tweaking and adjusting before she commits to it. This language gives a lot of control to the employee.
Use the simplest, most common terms. Reject terms like “nonfunctional superannuated language equivalents.”
Stow the jargon and the business buzzwords. “Suicide squeeze” doesn’t mean anything to someone who isn’t a baseball fan. “Leveraging your paradigm for total quality initiatives” is similarly nonsensical.
Be specific. Which sentence communicates more effectively? “I’m concerned because you’ve come to work late several times recently” or “Your on-site punctuality modality leaves something to be desired.”
Allow your employee to ask if something seems unclear, or “push back” if the communication isn’t obvious. Make sure he understands by asking if it’s clear and that you are both on the same page.
Use the known to explain the unknown. You don’t have to be an English major to use metaphor and simile effectively. When you’re speaking about something new and/or complex, compare it to something that’s familiar to the employee.
CLICHÉS DON’T WORK
Although comparisons can help people make connections, some of them have been abused and overused, like “level playing field” or “he dropped the ball.” Avoid clichés like the plague. (Ouch!) Also, since business clichés tend to derive from sports and the military, they may cause employees who are unfamiliar with those areas to feel like outsiders. Language that seems exclusionary to an employee will make your work as a coach more difficult. Part of meeting clients “where they are” is respecting their world. Get right in it with them.
I once heard somebody describing how Einstein’s theory of relativity explains the possibility of time travel. I actually understood (sort of) what he was talking about, because he compared the Earth’s passage through the space-time continuum to a bowling ball rolling on a rubber mat.
THREE TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING
Here are three quick tips for better communication.
1. Narrow the focus to one issue at a time. You’ll never get a handle on the way the office is being run. But you might learn that the mail isn’t getting distributed until 3 in the afternoon, and it’s affecting customer service.
2. Define the issue clearly. No mystery here. Just make sure you’re both talking about the same thing. The person who brings up the issue should be responsible for defining it.
3. Keep it in the present tense, with an eye toward the future. Don’t bring up the great system they had where you used to work. Stay with the here and now and bring in a vision of how you want it to be.
Be Open to New Ideas
If you talk about “your” idea and “her” idea, you’ve created two obstacles to finding a solution to the problem. You’ve limited the discussion to two possibilities, potentially closing the door on a compromise or on a third (or fourth, or fifth) approach.
You’re talking about you vs. her. The struggle is personal (and one of you has to lose).
You lose either way. If you “give in” and accept the employee’s solution, you may feel that you’ve lost some of your stature as a manager. If you refuse to give ground, and pound your employee into submission, you’ll lose any chance of finding a better solution.
Keep the discussion open. Try to disconnect the idea from the person suggesting the idea, so you both feel free to comment, criticize, or modify. You might come up with something neither of you would have thought of alone.
If the worker comes away thinking it was all her idea—so much the better! That boost in her self-esteem and engagement cost you little or nothing.
ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE
Broaden the options from “your idea and my idea” to include more perspectives. You could ask questions like “What would someone from a similar company (or a competitor) do? What would your mentor do? What would the CEO do in this situation? Have you ever known someone who was good at this, and what did they do?”
Coaching is effective when it’s
one-on-one,
goal-oriented and focused,
limited in scope and time,
conversational, and
centered on ideas, not personality.
To make your coaching sessions more productive, hone two essential conversational skills—asking effective questions and listening to the answers. We focus on those skills in the next two chapters.
The Coach’s Checklist for Chapter 4
Make sure your body language and your words communicate the same message. If not, people will believe what your body says, not your words.
Keep an open door and welcome employees when they come to talk to you—even when you don’t feel like it.
Set up and execute a successful coaching session: establish a purpose, establish ground rules, keep focused, avoid monologues, speak clearly and simply, and be open to new ideas.