Trust your intuition

Have you ever failed to follow your intuition or repressed your instincts about somebody only to realise later that you should have paid more attention? One of your best allies in knowing if you are making the right choices is your own inner knowing. Just think about it. The moment you meet someone, there is usually a voice within that tells you if that person is someone you can trust, connect and feel safe with. So why don’t we always listen to it? Well, when it comes to romantic love, sexual chemistry and our emotions are usually much louder and more urgent and may drown out our inner voice. But if you are serious about finding your perfect match, it’s imperative that you listen to the messages that your inner voice is telling you. No matter how out of practice you are at tuning into and following your inner knowing, your intuition will always guide you in the right direction if you listen to it.

Learning to listen to your inner compass is essential to attracting what will fulfil and nurture you on all levels. So what is that inner knowing? People experience it in different ways, but you could say first and foremost that it is a feeling. Your feelings about someone – any insights you have, intuition, deep certainties – are messages from your inner knowing. They come before you have time to rationalise. Inner knowing is simply a gut feeling.

Have you ever got involved with someone even though your intuition was telling you not to?

• Did your gut feeling prove right after all?
• What happened?
• What did you learn from this experience?
• Did you resolve to follow your instincts the next time?

Has there ever been a time when you did go with your gut feeling and not get into a relationship with someone, even though you felt attracted to them on some level?

• What made you trust your inner knowing?
• Has this enabled you to feel more confident in your own ability to make the right choices for you?
• Has your intuition become part of the litmus test when assessing your compatibility with someone?

What influences your choices?

How do you go about meeting your perfect match? Whether you prefer to be proactive or leave it to fate, you first need to feel confident that you can trust in your ability to make good choices. Finding the right person requires that you know yourself well enough to know what’s best for you and what kind of person you would be happy and fulfilled with. It’s also important to recognise how ready you are for a relationship and how you really feel about getting intimately involved with someone.

When you are considering what kind of relationship you would like to be in, it’s worth asking yourself whether your desire for a relationship is motivated by the need to feel complete or to find someone to complement you. If it’s the former, you may be looking for someone who makes up for what you perceive as a deficit in you. We often seek out people who will fill a need or emptiness in us, and this can lead to an unhealthy dependency in which neither person is able to grow. For example, if you are looking for someone financially successful, it may be because you feel insecure in that area. You are far more likely to attract the qualities that you want in a partner when you feel a sense of wholeness rather than a lack. Becoming aware of what underpins your criteria in choosing a partner gives you the best chance of making a healthy and conscious choice.

When you feel whole, you attract the same quality in another person.

Enhance your ability to attract a partner

Take a look at the list below and see how many statements ring true for you.

• I want but don’t need to be in a relationship.
• I live in harmony with my needs and values.
• I have healthy self-esteem and I know my worth.
• I keep my life in balance.
• I have a good circle of friends.
• I enjoy my work.
• I see romance and sex as part of a relationship, not the whole relationship.
• I am realistic about the kind of relationship I want.
• I am confident that I will choose someone who is the best for me.

If you agreed with all or most of these statements it’s highly likely that you are happy with yourself and your life, and attracting your perfect match would simply serve to double your happiness.

Being happy with yourself makes you much more magnetic to others. In fact, often we attract the best partners when we are neither looking for nor avoiding the possibility of finding someone. Living your life to the full while being completely open to meeting someone is a powerful combination. After all, the key to your happiness and the quality of your relationships ultimately depend on your ability to be comfortable and content with who you are. When you acknowledge and appreciate your inherent worth, you invite others to do the same. In other words, live your best life and you will attract your best partner.

What are your criteria?

Creating a checklist of what you do and do not want in a relationship helps you to determine what’s really important to you in a partner. The qualities that you seek in a relationship need to reflect your core values. For example, on a very pragmatic level, if health and fitness are of primary importance to you, it is entirely reasonable for you to want your partner to be a non-smoker. This might be called one of your ‘non-negotiable’ criteria. It’s important that you hold fast to what you know you definitely do and don’t want in a partner. There is no right or wrong here and your list will be unique to you. Don’t be swayed by what others consider important. Be true to your own criteria and values and don’t settle for less. Of course there will be areas in which you will need to be more flexible, as some compromise is required in any relationship. Being overly rigid about things like hair colour or the car a person drives might be limiting your options somewhat! But to give your relationship the best chance of success, you need to hold out for the qualities that feel like essential requirements.

Be specific

When you’re vague about what you want in a partner, you’re leaving a lot to chance and risking your own happiness. In fact, to deny even one important quality is denying an essential part of who you are and compromises your integrity. It gives out the message that you’re willing to settle for someone who falls short in some way. To draw the right person to you, it is absolutely essential that you know where you stand and become aware of what you want.

If you’ve already thought about what you want in a partner and created your ‘wish list’, see this process as an opportunity to re-evaluate your criteria. You might discover that you have listed some new qualities that you hadn’t considered important before. Sometimes we can feel resistance to being specific about what we want. Writing your list connects you with your deep desire for a partner and this can bring up feelings of vulnerability. Sometimes our desire to be in a relationship brings up feelings of sadness or regret from the past. And focusing on what we want can seem like a painful reminder of what we long for or miss. This isn’t necessarily negative, however. Your longing can galvanise you and connect you with your capacity to love. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up as you compose your list of qualities, and see this as a powerful way of connecting you with your heart’s desire.

Write a list of qualities in a partner that you have ever desired, dreamt about or contemplated. Don’t limit yourself – put down every characteristic that you can think of (more than 10 if necessary). This will help you to get clear about what you are looking for in a partner.

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Choose your top 10 from your list and place them in order of priority. Now take a look at each one in turn. For example, if ‘successful’ is one of your qualities, ask yourself what that might look like in reality. For example, what would someone need to have achieved in order for you to identify them as successful? How much money would they need to have? What kind of lifestyle do you envisage them leading? Challenge your assumptions and explore more deeply what you mean by such qualities as attractive or reliable. What is the underlying characteristic of each quality? For example, if ‘supportive’ is one of your top qualities, what is it about being supportive that you value and are attracted to in someone? This might seem obvious at first. But it’s only when we dig a little deeper and ask ourselves some probing questions that we can determine why the qualities we are looking for are so important to us.

If you’re uncertain whether you should be steadfast or flexible about a particular quality that’s important to you, ask yourself the following question: ‘Would this quality support who and what I am?’ If the answer is yes, then you know it’s an essential requirement that you can’t compromise.

Make sure that you can be quiet and not interrupted for a few minutes. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing for a moment. When you are feeling still and centred, imagine being in a relationship with someone supportive and allow the feeling of their support to fill your being. How does it feel? Perhaps you are experiencing a feeling of safety, of being accepted and validated. Or maybe the support of your partner gives you the confidence to shine more fully and be more of who you are. Ask yourself whether you have felt this way in other relationships.

Being supported may be something you have come to expect, or there may be a wound associated with this particular quality for you. The more you deepen your understanding of what you want and why it is so important to you, the more clearly you are able to attract a partner who embodies the qualities you are seeking. And when you clearly define the type of person you want, you’re much more likely to recognise that person when you meet them. As you define and refine your relationship list, you are increasing your chances of meeting someone with whom you share a strong affinity.

In order to attract a partner who embodies your core values and desires, you need to be clear and articulate what you want.

Your reality check

Defining your top 10 traits not only clarifies what you most value, it also illuminates your own qualities. Being specific is your way of taking a reality check and making sure that you’re not looking for qualities that don’t match who you are. While it is true that each person brings different qualities to a relationship, it is also true that people tend to gravitate towards others who already possess the qualities they value. For example, if one of the qualities you seek in someone is commitment, you need to know that you are able to match that quality and make the kind of commitment that you expect of a partner.

Know what you want in a partner

Katie had never really given much thought to what was really important to her in a partner. She had been in quite a few relationships and felt that she had got into them more by accident than by design. She invariably ended up feeling emotionally drained by her partners, and the relationships had always ended messily. Katie spent a long time compiling her list of qualities and then I suggested that we clarify some of them so that she could understand their importance to her more fully. One of her top 10 qualities was ‘independent’. I asked her what that meant to her and whether it involved being with someone who had their own interests or who had no desire to tie her down. After a deeper exploration and much discussion of what being independent meant to Katie, it became apparent that she wanted to be with someone who wasn’t emotionally needy and who could take care of themselves. She then added self-reliant, resourceful and emotionally mature to the list, as she felt that these were qualities that she had worked hard to develop in herself and valued very highly. After clarifying all her qualities, Katie felt that next time she met someone she felt attracted to, she would have a much clearer sense of whether that person was right for her or not.

The magic of synchronicity

Finding a partner doesn’t entirely depend on our efforts. Carl Jung described synchronicity as a meaningful coincidence in which our inner and outer realities coincide. In other words, when you and your future partner are ready for a new relationship, something will conspire to put you in the right place at the right time to meet that person. It’s as if the destiny of each person is fulfilled by that seemingly chance meeting, and there is often a feeling of rightness and inevitability about such a union. So although we do have free will in how we go into a relationship, we also need to trust that the timing and circumstances of how we meet someone will be perfect. That doesn’t mean that we have to leave everything to chance or passively wait for someone to show up in our lives. When you are ready for a relationship you might want to take a much more proactive role in meeting someone and let the world know that you are available. How you do that will be your choice, but transmitting your desire for a relationship – whether it be joining an internet dating site or declaring it to the Universe – will increase your chances of attracting someone into your orbit.

How to know whether you’ve found your match

Imagine that you’ve just met someone you really like. You’ve prepared yourself for a relationship by taking the best care of you, and you’ve been working on changing any negative patterns. You know who and what you want and your inner knowing is giving you the green light about this person. The next step is to discover whether they possess the qualities that you are seeking in a partner. Some traits, like how attractive they are to you and their sense of humour, are apparent. And others, such as their taste in food or music, are easy to talk about. But many qualities take longer to uncover. How, for example, can you tell if someone is honest or reliable, without putting them on the spot?

One effective way of discovering whether someone matches the qualities you are seeking is to decide which one you are most curious about and share a story or experience that you have that highlights it. For example, if honesty is one of your top qualities, you might talk about a situation in which someone acted dishonestly and the consequences of that deception. Listen carefully to the response that your story gets before you discuss your own feelings. Does the other person approve of such behaviour or are they more tolerant of dishonesty? You might also share a situation in which you weren’t completely honest and see whether they are able to empathise or admit to a similar scenario themselves. This will help you to gauge where they stand on this important quality. Other qualities, such as respectful and considerate, will reveal themselves in people’s actions. If you notice that a prospective partner treats people with respect and consideration it’s likely that they will behave in the same way towards you.

Make mental notes when you first meet someone and remain alert and observant. What people tell you about themselves when you first meet them can be very revealing – sometimes strikingly so. A client of mine asked her date whether he was available, and he answered ‘I am and I’m not’. Although she went ahead with the relationship, it ultimately ended as he wasn’t able to make a commitment to her. At other times the messages are more subtle and take time to decipher.

Share your passions

Although good relationships need contrast as well as similarities, it’s important to know what you have in common. Discussing your likes and dislikes and sharing your passions in life will give you an immediate sense of whether someone has any interest in the things that turn you on. Your passions say a lot about who you are, and what inspires and motivates you. Find out about each other’s hopes and dreams and how excited you feel about them. Your ability to resonate with what makes each of you feel alive is a good indicator of how vibrant and supportive your relationship will feel.

Take your time

It takes time to get to know whether someone is right for you. Going slowly and not rushing into a relationship gives you the benefit of discovering whether you are making the right choice for you. Falling in love at first sight or becoming instantly infatuated might feel intoxicating, but getting involved too quickly means that you have very little to go on, other than the feelings that are sweeping you away. You need time to get to know the other person and time for them to know you. That way you can establish whether a potential relationship between you is based on complementary personalities. You owe it to yourself to take the time to get to know someone before embarking on a romantic relationship. Why risk a broken heart just because you didn’t take the time to get to know who you were getting involved with?

No matter how familiar someone seems to you or how connected you feel to them, it’s important to remember that they are in fact a total stranger to you. A sense of déjà vu with this person can simply mean that they remind you of someone or that you are repeating a pattern and not that you are necessarily destined to be together. Don’t let the fact that you feel a strong connection with someone you hardly know blind you to finding out more about them. The more you know about a person, the more potential problems you can rule out. For example, if you have had a pattern of getting involved with people who are afraid of commitment, it would be wise to ask about a prospective partner’s track record and the reason for the break-up of their past relationships. You can do this without it being an interrogation – simply make it clear that you are interested in getting to know them.

We all have an ideal self that we initially present to others in order to impress them, and it takes time to drop our façades and show all of who we are. And just because you like someone and feel attracted to them doesn’t mean that you are right for each other. When you take time to get to know someone you can observe them in different situations and moods, and find out whether their values and attitudes are compatible with yours and how comfortable you are with each other. This will give you a real indication of how lasting and happy any relationship is likely to be.

Knowing what you want in a partner helps you to make a more informed and conscious choice in your relationships. First impressions can be deceiving and it’s important to listen to your inner knowing about whether someone is right for you. Taking it slowly and getting to know someone before you become intimately involved gives you the best chance of creating a successful relationship.

Spend some more time contemplating your list of qualities. If you’re in a relationship, do you feel that your partner embodies them? If you’re single, how many of your top qualities belong to ex-partners? Have you added any qualities to the list since your last relationship?