How do you feel when people use emotional blackmail against you? They try to get you to lie for them because they’ll be in such trouble if you don’t, or they ask you to lend them money because they really need to buy their poor gran a birthday present, or they put you under pressure to come to a party you clearly don’t want to attend because they’ll feel really uncomfortable if they don’t know anyone there.

If you’re anything like me, you feel resentful when this happens, slightly annoyed at being taken advantage of, and less willing to do whatever the person is asking. And yet often we still concede because the person makes it so difficult for us to say no without appearing rude or unsupportive. Some people say yes out of guilt.⁵ That’s the intention of course – the emotional blackmailer doesn’t care how we feel, so long as they get what they want.

What always surprises me slightly is that although we all hate being emotionally blackmailed, some people seem to have no compunction about doing it to others. My observation is that, because it’s ostensibly a fairly subtle manipulation, they think that they won’t be spotted, that the person they’re talking to won’t recognise it as emotional blackmail this time, so it will be OK.

Well that’s just plain wrong. We all know when we’re being blackmailed, because we’re being put under pressure to do something we don’t want to do. When we say no, we mean no. If someone doesn’t accept that answer, and piles on the pressure, we always feel uncomfortable and resistant no matter what method they employ. So our antennae are switched on and we can spot emotional blackmail a mile off.

Now listen. Emotional blackmail is a form of coercion, and as Rules players we just don’t do it. We don’t use any form of coercion: physical, emotional, financial, psychological or anything else. If someone says no, we accept it.

Yes I know you’ll be in huge trouble if your friend won’t cover up for you, I know your gran would really like a birthday present and you’re skint, I know you’ll hate the party if you don’t know anyone. I’m not suggesting that you’re lying. I simply don’t care that you’re telling the truth. That doesn’t make it OK. You’re focusing on how you feel and what you want, and ignoring the feelings of the person you’re pressurising. And that’s not nice, is it? Make your request, state the facts, keep it unemotional, and be prepared to take no for an answer.