Although claims that communication is 93% non-verbal communication and only 7% words are inaccurate, if you have ever watched TV with the sound turned off, you know that it’s not too difficult to pick up the essence of what people are saying and feeling simply by paying attention to their non-verbal communication.
The 7%–38%–55% rule
The claim that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice and 7% words is inaccurate. Professor Albert Mehrabian carried out research on verbal and non-verbal messages, feelings and attitudes. He has stated that this is a misunderstanding of the findings and that these percentages apply only when a person is communicating about emotions, not communication in general. So it would be more accurate to suggest that the expression of attitudes and feelings is 7% what is said, 38% tone of voice and 55% body language.
What is beyond question is that non-verbal behaviour is a powerful communicator. Often, people immediately and most emotionally respond to the non-verbal aspect of communication.
I speak two languages. Body and English.Mae West
In Chapter 1 you will have read that although non-verbal communication usually supports, moderates or emphasises verbal communication (speech-dependent), it can also be used on its own (speech-independent) to communicate attitudes, emotions and feelings.
Let’s look at the science. Non-verbal communication begins in your limbic brain – the part of your brain that reacts instinctively to the world around you. It responds in an automatic and genuine way. It’s also where your emotions spring from; emotions that occur spontaneously, without any rational thought or reasoning.
In fact, limbic (emotional) responses are hardwired into your system, which makes them difficult to hide, like trying to suppress a startle response when something makes you jump.
So, limbic responses are a genuine reflection of your feelings, attitudes and intentions and are often expressed non-verbally. You use the limbic part of your brain when you express yourself emotionally and/or react to other people and events.
Another part of your brain, the neocortex – the new brain – is responsible for thinking, remembering and reasoning. It is this area that gives you the ability to evaluate and understand the thoughts and behaviour of both yourself and others.
Speech is mostly conscious and intentional. Typically, the neocortex formulates, controls and expresses your thoughts, ideas and opinions.
On the other hand, non-verbal communication (whether it accompanies and supports speech or is speech-independent) is mostly unconscious and unintentional.
Because you are usually unaware of how much you are conveying non-verbally, non-verbal messages often reveal your thoughts, feelings and emotions more genuinely than what you actually say.
In the same way, when you are communicating with other people, you are reading or picking up on their non-verbal communication without being aware of it. In fact, what some people might call their ‘intuition’ is actually this unconscious process of picking up and processing other people’s non-verbal information.
Why do you need to improve your non-verbal communication?
Becoming more aware of non-verbal behaviour will greatly improve your communication skills. You will be able to do the following.
- Pick up on a range of emotions, gauge moods and be more likely to know when others are, for example, sad, lonely, happy, proud or disappointed. You’ll be able to ‘read’ body language, and with enough practice it’ll become second nature, like looking both ways when you cross the street.
- Increase your ability to understand other people’s behaviour, anticipate problems and avoid hidden pitfalls.
- Know whether or not you are getting mixed messages and be able to identify contradictions between what is being said and what that other person is really thinking.
- Develop empathy and rapport more easily than if you just listen to what people say.
- Increase your ability to persuade, motivate and influence other people.
- Convey feelings that you’re not actually experiencing. Supposing, for example, you are about to give a presentation, or attend a social event where you don’t know anyone, and you’re not feeling as confident as you’d like to be. Adopting non-verbal ‘confidence’ signs and signals will not only make you appear more confident, you actually will feel more confident!
- Ensure that what you say is consistent with how you feel.
True or false?
- If you are explaining something to someone and they cock their head, it means that they are confused.
- If someone looks down at the floor a lot, they are probably shy or timid.
- Crossing your arms means you’re feeling defensive.
- Lowered eyebrows and squinted eyes show that a person is attempting to understand what is being said or going on. It’s usually sceptical.
- A fast tapping movement of the foot signals impatience.
- If a person talks quickly and mumbles, or isn’t clear on what they are saying, they are lying.
Answer: While these non-verbal behaviours can indicate specific feelings and attitudes, body language is more subtle and less definitive than you might think. For example, if you are explaining something to someone and they cock their head, it could that they are confused. But it could also mean that they are challenging the speaker or that they have a crick in their neck!
Equally, if someone looks down at the floor a lot, they are probably shy or timid. Or maybe they are just checking out their new shoes! But they might come from a culture that believes that looking at someone in the eyes is a sign of disrespect.
There are times when you or the other person may send mixed messages – we say one thing yet our non-verbal communication reveals something different. This non-verbal language will affect how you act and react to others, and how they react to us.
Let’s look at some of the many ways in which we all communicate non-verbally, so that you can use and understand these signs and signals to communicate more effectively.
Facial expressions
Facial expressions can say so much; think what can be conveyed with just a smile or a frown. Often, your facial expressions will reveal your true feelings. While you may say that you are feeling fine, the look on your face may tell people otherwise.
An inability to read facial expressions, which is a characteristic of people with the developmental disorder Asperger’s syndrome, is a social disadvantage, making it difficult to communicate with and understand others. In fact, it may often be difficult for any of us to accurately determine the subtle differences in facial expressions of, for example, sad, depressed, jealous, bored or worried. Although some facial expressions and their meanings vary between cultures, facial expressions are also among the most universal forms of body language. Facial expressions for happiness, sadness, anger and fear are similar throughout the world.
Eyes
A person’s eyes are thought of as the ‘windows to their soul’ since, to a greater or lesser extent, they are capable of revealing what you are feeling or thinking. Even, for example, if a person is angry and hiding it with polite words, their eyes can tell a different story.
When you are talking to another person, eye contact and facial expressions provide you with important social and emotional information. Without consciously doing so, you read eyes and faces for positive or negative mood signs.
The most obvious thing that comes to your attention is whether people are making direct eye contact or averting their gaze. Certainly, if someone is lying to you, they may avoid direct eye contact. On the other hand, they may overcompensate by looking you in the eye to assure you of their sincerity.
Remember, though, frequency and interpretation of eye contact vary between cultures.
Mouth
Although a smile is one of the clearest non-verbal signals, smiles can be interpreted in many ways. A smile may be genuine, but a smile can also convey sarcasm, scepticism or cynicism.
A mouth that is turned up or down can indicate a range of feelings. Pursed lips might be an indication of disapproval, distaste or distrust. People often cover their mouth to cover a smile or smirk and may bite their lips when they are worried, anxious or stressed.
A frown, a smile, a hand on the arm – these can convey so much. There is an often-quoted story about a man who committed suicide by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. He had left a note in his apartment that said he would not jump if, on the way to the bridge, he met one person who smiled at him.
A smile cannot, of course, save everyone; the motivations behind suicide are too varied. But such simple non-verbal communication can be surprisingly effective.
Reading facial expressions
Start with the basics: what does anger, disgust or surprise look like? Is it the same in everyone?
Watch TV with the sound turned down or watch foreign movies to help you to develop your ability to read and understand facial expressions. Reality TV programmes are particularly useful for observing facial expressions and other non-verbal communications. Notice how the participants respond to different activities and situations. Because you’re not distracted by what is being said, turning the sound down is a good way to ‘see’ emotions, attitudes and feelings.
This is good not just for understanding individuals’ attitudes and feelings, but also for developing your understanding of group dynamics.
Gestures
Gestures can be some of the most direct and obvious non-verbal communication.
Although speech-independent gestures are used deliberately and specifically to replace words and have a direct verbal translation, they can have different interpretations in different cultural contexts, ranging from complimentary to highly offensive! Giving a thumbs-up or a peace sign might have completely different meanings in different cultures. The gesture, for example, made by touching together the thumb and index finger in a circle while extending the other three fingers is usually used to mean ‘OK’. But in some parts of Europe, the same signal implies ‘you are nothing’.
Speech-dependent gestures are those gestures used spontaneously when you speak.
They are integrally connected to speech and thought processes and are used to support or emphasise what is being said, for example, when a person points to what they are talking about or uses their fingers to indicate numerical amounts.
Posture
A person’s body language and posture can convey a wealth of information about their level of attention, involvement and attitude (think of a bored, disengaged teenager!) and feelings towards another person.
Direction of lean, body orientation, arm position and how open or closed a person’s body is all give clues to attitudes and feelings such as anger and hostility, shyness and discomfort.
With open postures, the body is open and exposed. This type of posture generally indicates a relaxed, calm, confident, engaged and approachable attitude.
Closed postures involve keeping the body obscured or hidden, often by hunching forward and keeping the arms and legs crossed. This type of posture usually indicates more negative feelings of hostility, stress or anxiety.
Haptic communication
Haptic communication is the way in which people communicate via touching. It is an important part of non-verbal communication in interpersonal relationships.
It can include, for example, a handshake, a pat on the back, a high five or a kiss. This type of non-verbal communication can reveal intentions or feelings; touching someone’s arm can signal that you want to talk next or interrupt.
The meaning conveyed from touch is highly dependent upon the context of the situation, the relationship between communicators and socially acceptable levels of touching. In some cultures, for example, touching someone else’s head may be offensive. In a recent study of groups of people communicating, it was found that in England, France and the Netherlands touching was rare compared to the level of touching among Italians and Greeks.
Proxemics
If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable when someone else has stood too close to you, then you’ll know the impact that personal space can have on people and their ability to communicate.
The term ‘proxemics’ refers to the distance between people as they interact. Just as gestures, posture and touch can communicate a great deal of non-verbal information, so can the physical space between people.
The amount of distance we need and the amount of space we perceive as belonging to us is influenced by a number of factors including context, culture, personality characteristics and level of familiarity.
Below is an outline of four areas of personal space – public, social, personal and intimate – that we all (usually unconsciously) respect and use.
- Intimate distance – 6 to 18 inches. This level of distance between people usually indicates a close and comfortable relationship. It often occurs during intimate contact such as hugging, whispering or touching.
- Personal distance – 1.5 to 4 feet. Physical distance at this level usually occurs between people who are friends or family members, and to separate people waiting in queues.
- Social distance – 4 to 12 feet. This level of physical distance is often used between individuals who are acquaintances or strangers, in cases where you do not know the other person well, or in public areas – shops and bus stops, for example.
- Public distance – 12 to 25 feet. This is usually the distance maintained in a public speaking situation, between a speaker and the audience, for example, when talking to a class of students or giving a presentation at work.
As with all types of non-verbal communication, personal space is subject to cultural variances. In one culture, you might find yourself almost nose to nose with a business associate because their social space is equivalent to your intimate distance. But in another culture, you could find the other person backing away from you, trying to regain what they view as appropriate social space while you follow them across the room!
Making sense of non-verbal communication
Although there are broad categories and ways to interpret non-verbal communication, it’s important to note that:
- it’s not always possible to interpret a single gesture or signal in isolation
- although some facial expressions appear to be universal – for example, shock, disgust and joy – and need no interpretation, others are more subtle
- the meanings of non-verbal communication differ from one person to the next, and there is a wide range of cultural differences, too.
So, just how can you make sense of a person’s body language, gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice? The key to understanding non-verbal communication is to register and understand the context; that is, the circumstances accompanying what is being said.
This means taking into consideration all the peripheral, seemingly unimportant, circumstances that are, in fact, entirely relevant. It is these supporting conditions that determine the meanings of the non-verbal messages we send and receive.
When it comes to non-verbal communication, context is all! But what contributes to context?
- Words and language.
- Motions and feelings.
- Culture, circumstances, conditions, situation, background.
Rather than interpret single gestures or facial expressions, the trick is to look for ‘clusters’. Clusters are when a number of verbal and non-verbal communications and actions occur close together and so indicate a consistent message.
Clusters of non-verbal communications provide a much more reliable indication of meaning than one or two signals in isolation. A single body language signal isn’t as reliable as several signals, so look out for several signs that all seem to be saying the same thing.
For example, you might notice someone across the room in a meeting who is continually looking at their watch, and conclude they are anxious to leave on time. Look again for more repeated actions such as tapping their pen, shifting around or slumping in their seat. Their face may also show a distinct lack of interest and appear blank.
It’s more likely they’re bored!
While non-verbal behaviours can indicate feelings and attitudes, body language is far more subtle and less definitive than previously believed. So bear in mind the following.
- Look for ‘clusters’ of verbal and non-verbal communications and actions that together indicate a consistent message.
- Notice if what someone says matches or is at odds with their non-verbal behaviour.
- Pay attention to changes in body language. Every shift in a person’s inner emotions is transmitted to the world through their non-verbal behaviour.
- Keep in mind that each person has their own unique body language called baseline behaviour. Learn what is ‘in character’ for someone and what is unusual for them.
- Don’t always assume that you have correctly identified the meaning of another person’s body language: ask!
- Be aware that behavioural, mental and physical difficulties can affect a person’s body language.
- Don’t get too caught up analysing the other person’s body language: remember to listen and talk!
Speak fluent body language
One of the benefits of becoming more aware of and ‘reading’ other people’s body language is that you become more aware of your own non-verbal messages. This can make a great difference to your ability to communicate effectively.
Your non-verbal communication can help you to emphasise or moderate what you say in words. Non-verbal behaviours communicate who you are and how you feel. Other people draw conclusions from your body language about your sincerity, credibility and emotions.
Even if you are silent you are still communicating through your posture, facial expressions and appearance. For example, a combination of minimal eye contact, slouching and fidgeting projects a negative attitude. On the other hand, a balanced posture, appropriate eye contact and calm gestures can help communicate a confident approach.
Does your non-verbal communication help or hinder your ability to be a brilliant communicator? Here are some non-verbal signs and signals to be aware of.
Posture
Think about how your perceptions of other people are affected by the way they sit, walk, stand up or hold their head. Some people come across as confident communicators before they’ve said a word. Why is this? More often than not, it’s to do with their posture.
The way you hold yourself has an impact on how you communicate: remember, you want people to want to listen to you.
Not only is slouching and slumping bad for your health (you could end up with neck and back problems), poor posture also has a negative impact on how others perceive you. If you slouch, stuff your hands into your pockets, shuffle your feet and avoid eye contact, people will get the impression you don’t want to communicate with them.
Your posture is often influenced by your emotions. If, for example, you are feeling intimidated or anxious, it will show: hunching and drooping give away that you are ill at ease, and the chances are that others may feel just as uncomfortable around you!
But even when you are feeling intimidated or self-conscious, you can convey feelings that you’re not actually experiencing: you can positively influence your mood or emotions by simply changing your posture. To communicate confidence, simply stand (or sit) straight and keep your head level. Relax your shoulders and spread your weight evenly on both legs.
Try out your confident posture in front of the mirror and make yourself aware of what the ‘confident you’ looks and feels like. Then, when you are about to enter a situation where you are not as confident as you’d like to be, you can adopt these ‘confidence’ signs and signals to project confidence.
Distance and touch
Learn what the most comfortable distance is for you, in different situations. Allow yourself enough room to feel at ease and move when necessary. Look for clues about what is personally, socially and culturally acceptable in regard to touching other people. Know that, for example, touching a colleague on the arm or shoulder when they are upset is acceptable as an expression of sympathy. But doing the same thing when you are discussing a project you are working on together may come across as over familiar, patronising or even controlling!
Gestures
Do you use hand and arm gestures in nearly every sentence? Do they support or detract from what you are saying? Try to avoid a continuous physical interpretation of everything you say. Instead, add gestures selectively where they add the most impact. When you’re talking, the natural action for your hands, for example, is for them to move in support of what you say. Try to use calm, flowing hand movements rather than short sharp movements, which can distract or intimidate the other person.
Eyes
Think about the last time you spoke to someone who continually avoided eye contact. They may have looked over your shoulder, at the floor, or even at someone else – everywhere but at you. It is most likely that you felt uneasy or frustrated and you doubted the other person’s interest. Eye contact is also important in maintaining the flow of conversation and for gauging the other person’s response.
There are times, though, when face-to-face conversations with a high level of eye contact can be intimidating and off-putting. There will often be times when it’s more appropriate, relaxed and conducive to the other person opening up if the conversation takes place while you are involved in an activity alongside each other.
Tony, the father of two teenage boys, suggested they had more mealtimes together so that they could discuss their day, schoolwork, plans for the weekends and so on. The boys found the formality too intense. Mealtimes became strained and the boys said as little as possible.
Tony soon realised that his sons were far more likely to open up to him if they chatted while he was preparing the meal. The informality seemed to strike just the right notes: informal, natural and relaxed.
Paraverbal communication
Tone, pitch, volume, inflection, rhythm and the speed that you speak all have an impact on what you say. These non-verbal speech sounds provide subtle but powerful clues to your true feelings, attitude and intentions. Think about how tone of voice, for example, can indicate sarcasm, anger, affection or confidence.
Try to speak clearly and calmly. Avoid gabbling – rapid and indistinct words confuse people and can result in your not being understood or taken seriously.
Effective non-verbal communication
- Improving your posture and working to eliminate nervous quirks and mannerisms can take time and effort. But if you focus your energy on one thing at a time you’ll quickly improve your overall non-verbal communication.
- Look at the big picture. Don’t stay awake at night wondering if your little finger is playing its part in expressing what you want to communicate. You don’t have to get every nuance ‘right’. Remember, different parts of your body work together to communicate in clusters, so if you are being clear and honest it is more likely that your non-verbal communication will support what you say.
- Say what you mean and mean what you say. Verbal and non-verbal messages are co-expressive – if you say what you mean, your body language will follow.
- If you’re not sure how you feel about something or someone, pay attention to what your body is saying. Just as other people can read your body language to help uncover what you’re feeling, you can also learn from your body. Tense feelings in your stomach? Uneven breathing? What might that be telling you?
- If you think a sign or signal has been misinterpreted, say so: state your intended meaning right away. For example, if you cross your arms to keep warm, say ‘I’m cold, are you?’ That way the person won’t think that you’re closing off.
- It’s advisable to adopt a balanced posture, calm voice and gestures to help you look and feel confident. But be aware that faking a gesture or facial expression can come across as phony and insincere.
- When people say that someone seems false, they’re usually referring to mannerisms that seem faked; they don’t truly match what the speaker is saying.
- Even when you deliberately try to control your body language, there is still what is known as ‘leakage’ that others can pick up. For example, your face may ‘leak’ information about how you feel; although you may try to appear welcoming, you may be unable to hide your embarrassment when meeting someone who has a facial deformity.
- Use the most positive (or, when necessary, negative) gestures and facial expressions first and last. Typically, you make your most memorable impressions within the first five to ten seconds. You also leave a lasting impression in the last five to ten seconds.