THREE

Honesty

Old-school business views the expression of emotions and compassion as vulnerability; today’s new business people see such attributes as the glue that binds us.

—Keith Ferrazzi, Never Eat Alone

Most conflict can be explained by a gap between what we want and what we get. Ken Blanchard, leadership guru and best-selling author, describes it as a gap between what we are experiencing and what we want to be experiencing.

Conflict produces energy which can be experienced physically, possibly manifesting as a racing heart or tension in the neck, or emotionally, such as fear, anxiety, or excitement. Conflict isn’t inherently bad, but the energy it produces can be used in destructive ways. In many cases, destructive conflict in relationships starts with failing to be honest about what’s going on with ourselves emotionally.

Many leaders practice safe honesty, convincing themselves that they are being authentic and transparent by telling the truth. Safe honesty means telling the factual truth, or sharing your opinion. The reason that it’s safe is that in most cases your truth-telling has no impact on your own vulnerability. Telling someone your opinion about them, or letting them know the facts about their performance, only makes them more vulnerable. It’s harder on them than it is on you. That’s safe honesty.

Real honesty means doing the tough emotional work. It means getting in touch with our own emotional responses to situations, and our emotional motives. If I am feeling anxious and I want to feel secure, then security is my emotional motive.

Whether or not we are aware of them, whether or not we tell people about them, emotional motives are constantly influencing us. Safe honesty avoids talking about these because we have convinced ourselves they aren’t important, or we fear rejection. Or, we might simply be unaware.

PCM helps us identify personality-specific emotional motives. Each PCM personality type has an emotional issue associated with it, and that emotional issue is uniquely challenging because the strengths of that type aren’t well suited to deal with it; it doesn’t sync well with the modus operandi of that type. When life presents us with that issue, it can be challenging. So, getting honest about the issue really stretches us to get vulnerable, ask for help, and lean on the strengths of our other floors in our personality condo. That’s real honesty and it requires doing the hard emotional work.

Avoiding real honesty doesn’t solve the problem. PCM predicts with uncanny accuracy how blocked or displaced emotional motives morph into self-sabotaging cover-up behavior.

The good news is that, contrary to popular leadership lore, emotional transparency and vulnerability are not weaknesses. They are a sign of courage, authenticity, and emotional intelligence. Doing the hard emotional work forges connections that build trust. Honesty is a key ingredient in seeing ourselves through, and seeing others through.

Resource guides at the end of this chapter summarize the emotional issues and personality dynamics for each personality type, predictable distress behavior when we attempt to cover it up, and affirmations to encourage leaders in doing the hard emotional work.

_______________

Kayla’s first day at ProcessCorp included meetings with Human Resources, IT, and introductions to the other people in her department. Everyone was kind and welcoming. Kayla had lunch with Pauline, her department head and supervisor. Mostly they talked about how the Storytelling and Brand Engagement department functioned and what kind of work Kayla would be doing. Two things stood out about Pauline. First, Pauline used a lot of feelings and reactions language. Instead of asking Kayla what she thought about things, Pauline would say, “I’d like to hear how you feel about this.” And, she used upbeat reactions as well, with language like, “I love that!” or “That’s terrific.”

At first Kayla wondered if Pauline just happened to have the same personality structure as she did. But the more she listened, the more she began to pick up on a common thread of action verbs. When she was sharing her own perspective, or was excited about something, Pauline would use phrases like, “This is how we do it here,” or “I’m gonna cut to the chase.” “Maybe Promoter is Pauline’s Base type,” Kayla hypothesized.

When Kayla met with Bennett, she was quite impressed with his personality agility. He obviously had a strong Harmonizer part in him, because he was always so kind and affirming. He complimented her classy shoes. She realized that he was meeting her where she was at, using language that matched her strongest personality part. He didn’t treat everyone with the same warmth, though. With some people he kept things very focused on data and time frames. With others he seemed to be more focused on the relevant principles that applied to the conversation.

Kayla was excited to tell Lucas about her first day, especially her meeting with Sam. She invited Lucas to pick up some takeout and come over after work so she could show him her PCM Profile and tell him about her day. Lucas didn’t share Kayla’s enthusiasm. “This all seems like a lot of new-age stuff, Kayla. It’s all fine and good to learn about personality, but how are they really going to treat you when the novelty wears off. You gotta guard yourself and watch out. Don’t get too excited because this is probably too good to be true. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you, but in my opinion, it’s just part of them trying to put on a good show in the beginning. It won’t last.”

Kayla felt defensive and deflated. She wanted Lucas to support her and share her enthusiasm, but she also trusted his steady perspective. He never seemed to get too excited about things and could see the big picture. She knew he just wanted to protect her. Still, she felt angry but didn’t say anything. She noticed herself getting quiet while they ate dinner. Then, a light bulb went on in her head when she recognized that Lucas was operating from his Persister floor when he shared his opinions and skepticism. “I have that same part in me!” Kayla realized. “I can use it to balance my Rebel enthusiasm with careful observation and listen to my conscience.” She didn’t know what to do with her realization, but tried something new.

“Lucas, I appreciate your caution. Thanks for sharing your opinion and wanting to make sure I am treated well.”

Lucas looked up from his plate with surprise on his face. “That’s what I was trying to say, Kayla. I want you to be treated with respect. Pauline seems okay. She’s a no-nonsense person. I respect that.”

All of a sudden Lucas appeared less critical. Kayla concluded that when she validated his strongest perceptual frame of reference, Opinions, he in turn was more open to her situation. She made a mental note: “If I want Lucas to hear me, I can use my Persister to gain empathy, then I can meet him where he’s at by speaking his language.”

On Wednesday of her first week Kayla attended the first module of the PCM Leadership Seminar with several other new hires. She learned about the history of PCM and Taibi Kahler, the structure of personality, and all about the demographics of each Kahler personality type. Kayla was fascinated by how accurate the features were, like typical office and home environments. She learned in more detail about the six perceptual frames of reference and signature character strengths of each personality type. The group practiced energizing different floors in their condos and speaking the language of that type. This gave her more confidence to take Sam’s invitation to observe behavior around her, and even try matching their personality energy like she had with Lucas.

Part of Kayla’s orientation was spending time with Mario, a designer in Pauline’s department. She noticed that he used a lot of Thoughts perception language, always asking questions to clarify his understanding of the facts, or talking about data and time frames. Kayla attempted to match his Thinker energy by going to her Thinker floor and paying attention to what mattered to him. She asked him about the factual details of his job, and complimented his organization and knowledge around his work. He seemed to really appreciate it. Kayla was surprised how quickly rapport could be established simply by validating someone else’s perceptions.

CONFLICT? WHAT CONFLICT?

Pauline was in her office when Kayla arrived for their first weekly integration meeting and greeted her with a big smile. “Welcome, Kayla! I’m so glad to see you today. I’ve been looking forward to our time together.” Kayla felt seen and affirmed for who she was.

Pauline started, “Kayla, I bet you are starting to experience the different personality types in you and what’s most comfortable for you. I’m curious where you’d like to sit today. I have a lot of options in my office. What feels best?”

Kayla pointed to a comfortable chair she had sat in once before. “Make yourself comfortable and we’ll get started,” Pauline directed. “What’s been on your mind since we last met?”

Kayla shared some of her insights, including her interactions with Lucas and her insights about meeting people where they are at by matching their personality perception. She finished with a comment that popped out unexpectedly: “I was kinda mad at Lucas because he didn’t take me seriously. He’s such a skeptic.”

“I hear ya, Kayla.” Pauline affirmed, “It’s often tough sharing new stuff with someone else, especially when you are excited about it and they are hearing it secondhand. Ah, the joys of conflict.”

“What do you mean, conflict? What conflict? It turned out okay.” Kayla felt a little defensive.

Pauline continued, “Maybe things didn’t blow up, but certainly there was a gap between what you wanted and what you experienced from Lucas. Am I reading that right?”

“Yeah, that’s true. I wanted him to listen to me and validate what was important to me,” Kayla admitted.

“Totally! And it seems he was less critical after you validated his Persister frame of reference. But there’s still a gap. What a perfect segue for what I’d like to talk about today.” Pauline continued, “I’d like to explore with you the role of honesty in leadership and relationships.”

“I’m confused,” Kayla said. “What does this have to do with honesty? Maybe Lucas could have been a bit less honest with his opinions!”

LEADERSHIP IN THE GAP

“I owe you an explanation, Kayla. Most leadership happens in a gap; it’s the gap between what we want and what we are experiencing at any point in time. Maybe I want to feel heard, and you don’t listen to me. Maybe I want to feel confident in my new role and I don’t know what I’m doing yet. Gaps are everywhere. Within us and between us. Gaps between what we want and what we are experiencing are normal and might be the most basic form of conflict. What’s also normal is the energy produced by the gap. I feel that energy when my heart races and I get tension in my neck and shoulders. What about you?”

“I feel it in my stomach and a lump in my throat,” Kayla responded. “I can remember even when I was little, I’d get stomachaches when there was conflict. Last week with Lucas I felt a lump in my throat when I shut down at dinner.”

“That’s great self-awareness, Kayla. Knowing how gap energy shows up for you is so critical in leadership because it’s a sign that something is going on that needs to be addressed.

“There’s nothing wrong with this type of conflict. Gaps are an inevitable and natural part of being human. Because we are built differently and have different wants and needs, we are going to experience conflict. The real question is, what do we do with that energy? Do we channel it constructively or in self-defeating ways?

“Honesty is the first step in channeling that energy constructively. When we hide the truth, we set in motion a destructive pattern of behaviors that moves us farther away from being able to see people through.”

“I’m not following you, Pauline. We can’t just go around blurting out the truth all the time. That would be cruel.” Kayla remembered her first boss speaking his mind about her immaturity when she quit. “Honesty sucks sometimes.”

SAFE HONESTY

Pauline smiled, “I’m not talking about sharing your opinions or telling the factual truth. That’s what I call safe honesty. If I tell you that your shoe is untied, that’s safe honesty. If I share my opinion about how you should act or dress at work, that’s safe honesty. Even if I tell you what I really think about your work performance, that’s safe honesty. It’s honest because it might be a truthful expression of what I think or believe. But it’s safe because it’s disconnected from the heart, and it usually ends up with you feeling more exposed, not me. Safe honesty is superficial because it often masks the real issue, and usually avoids personal vulnerability.”

Kayla reacted, “What do you mean? What am I hiding if I tell you that your performance sucks? That’s just telling it like it is.” Kayla chuckled when she heard herself. “I sound like my dad! He used to say this all the time like it was a badge of honor.”

“I know, Kayla! I used to say the same thing all the time when I started at ProcessCorp. I’m a no-nonsense person and prefer to cut to the chase. In case you didn’t know already, my Base is Promoter.” Pauline reached behind her and pulled a small acrylic stand off the shelf displaying her PCM structure (see Figure 3).

“Call it what you want; radical candor, brutal honesty, or telling it like it is. The truth is, this type of honesty rarely leads to better connections and stronger relationships. Sometimes it works in certain situations where trust is really strong, and people have an explicit understanding about intentions. Even then, it can backfire so easily, and I can share lots of examples from my own life. Safe honesty doesn’t build real trust; that takes something deeper and more vulnerable.

“PCM shows us that there’s another layer of honesty, something even deeper that influences our behavior. Something that predicts how the gap of conflict will show up for each of us and what we need to do in order to channel that energy in a productive way. This deeper layer of honesty cuts to the core of why we do what we do and what our real intentions are. Until we come to grips with this, we are destined to engage in superficial, safe honesty. Would you like to know more, Kayla?”

Figure 3. Pauline’s PCM Profile

“Yeah. I agree with you that the type of honesty I’m familiar with rarely feels good.” Then Kayla decided to apply what she’d learned in class. She energized the Promoter floor in her condo, mustered her best no-nonsense tone, and said, “Cut to the chase, Pauline. Give me the bottom line on honesty.”

Immediately Kayla felt vulnerable, but it didn’t last long. Pauline flashed a big smile and replied, “Kayla, that was awesome! You have no idea how perfect that was. Great job matching my favorite perception of Actions. That means a lot.”

DOING THE HARD EMOTIONAL WORK

“True honesty is about doing the hard emotional work,” Pauline continued. “As humans, our first response to conflict is an emotional one. That’s because the gap of conflict is a gap between how we want to feel, and how we are currently feeling. Not many people have enough self-awareness to recognize it. Instead, they cover it up or avoid it until it morphs into something else.

“I’ll illustrate with a true story. ProcessCorp was exhibiting at a human resource trade show. I was staffing the booth along with a few others on our team and Sam was scheduled to be at our exhibit booth for a couple of hours to meet several of our clients. Sam had been there for about an hour when I noticed big, dark sweat marks on her gray shirt. She was in the middle of a conversation with one of our biggest clients. I was mortified. I snuck out, ran back to the hotel, and grabbed one of my clean white shirts that I thought would fit Sam. When I got back, I took the first opportunity to pull Sam behind one of the banners of our exhibit and told her, ‘Go change into this white shirt. Sweat is showing through like crazy. You know what our clients will think!’

“Sam was stunned. She thanked me for saving her and did as I directed, returning shortly to continue conversations with our clients. She commented later about being stupid for wearing a gray shirt. We didn’t talk about that incident for over a year, but it put a wedge in our relationship.”

“How so?” Kayla asked. “Sounds like you saved the day. Wasn’t Sam grateful?”

“Yes and no. I practiced safe honesty and it nearly ruined our relationship. When I first saw the sweat showing through Sam’s shirt, I experienced a gap between what I wanted and what I experienced. I felt embarrassed and worried about what our clients would think. Instead of being honest with Sam about how I felt and enlisting her input around a solution, I just took action to solve the problem and told Sam the safe, factual truth. When I said, ‘You know what our clients will think!’ I was totally covering up my real feelings by creating negative drama and acting superior to her. I scolded my own boss as a way to avoid feeling close to her and being an ally who cared.

“If I would have been really honest, I would have said, ‘Sam, I noticed you are sweating and I’m feeling really embarrassed about how this might come across to our clients. May I go get you another shirt?’ But that would have been too vulnerable and intimate for me. Instead, I did just what my personality predicts. I took action to solve her problem without her consent so that I could feel better. That’s really self-centered.”

“You said this put a wedge in your relationship with Sam. Say more.” Kayla was curious.

“A year later, just before we went back to that same expo, Sam finally brought it up with me and explained how she experienced the incident. She told me how embarrassed she was, and grateful that I’d taken action to help. She also expressed her resentment that I wasn’t honest with her about how I felt and didn’t ask her permission to fix the problem. She wanted to know that I cared about her but instead she felt belittled and small.”

Kayla spoke up. “Wow, Pauline, I get it. I can really empathize with Sam.”

“Exactly. But Sam didn’t say anything about it at the time. She also practiced safe honesty by thanking me for saving her. She was worried that if she expressed her anger it would ruin our relationship and I would think she didn’t appreciate me. Instead she acted grateful for the dry shirt and openly criticized herself for making a stupid wardrobe decision in the first place. She held in that anger and resentment for a year and as a result she was hesitant and guarded with me. I didn’t understand why and I started to lose respect for her.

“We both practiced safe honesty and avoided the real emotional issues. As a result, our relationship was strained for a year until we got honest with each other.”

Kayla noticed her mood had shifted. She felt that same lump in her throat as she recalled how angry she had felt with Lucas when she had kept quiet. She had a rush of memories from her past of times she felt angry but didn’t speak up. She recalled just yesterday when Pauline asked her to redo a brochure design and she had felt resentful because nobody told her the specs ahead of time.

After a few moments of silence Kayla spoke up. “Let me see if I’m getting this. Conflict is a gap between how we want to feel and how we are currently feeling. It’s emotional, whether we recognize it or not. If we aren’t honest about the emotional stuff, we might take action to close the gap in ways that make things worse. Or at least we might solve a superficial problem but create more problems down the road. Am I getting it?”

“Yep.” Pauline’s tone was warm and empathetic. “Seeing people through includes getting honest about the emotional stuff that’s influencing our behavior and interactions with each other.”

“How do we know what it is?” Kayla questioned. “I mean, I’m an emotional rollercoaster some days. I have a ton of stuff going on inside. How do I know what I should pay attention to?”

WE ALL HAVE AN EMOTIONAL ACHILLES’S HEEL

“PCM to the rescue!” Pauline reacted playfully. “Remember earlier when I said that PCM gives us clues? Each personality type has an emotional issue that is uniquely challenging and really important. Certain situations can trigger the issue. If we don’t acknowledge it and deal with it openly, things can get sideways really fast.”

“Do you mean if we aren’t honest about it, we might end up going down a path that just causes more problems?” Kayla asked.

“Exactly! You got it. And here’s the irony. The emotional issue connected to each personality type is uniquely challenging because the strengths of that type aren’t suited to deal with it. It’s like an emotional Achilles’s heel. So, getting honest about the issue really stretches us to get vulnerable, ask for help, and lean on the strengths of the other floors in our personality condo.”

“Tell me the issues.” Kayla’s curiosity was piqued, and she remembered to use Pauline’s preferred perception language of action.

“I will, and first there’s one more wrinkle to explain. Throughout our lives we can energize any of our six types in us to experience the perception and use the character strengths of that floor in our condo. And the order of the floors in our condo remains the same. You learned that in your first PCM training module last week. In your next PCM module you will learn about Phase, which is really relevant here. Phase is a designation for one floor in our condo with special significance. One way it is significant is that it correlates with the emotional issue that will be most relevant for us at that time in our lives. So, it’s not like people have to deal with all six Phase issues every day. The issue that connects with our current Phase is most relevant.

“You asked about the issues. Let’s start with a type that is strongly developed for you and Sam, the Harmonizer. The Harmonizer Phase issue is anger. Why is anger so important for the Harmonizer, and why is it so difficult to be honest about? Because Harmonizers are natural caregivers. Their philosophy is: It’s my duty to show compassion, nurture others, and promote harmony.

“Because of the nature of humanity, though, people do nasty things, sometimes even on purpose. It’s perfectly natural and totally human to feel angry about that. Expressing anger in a healthy, assertive way is really difficult for Harmonizers, though. Their character strengths are compassion, sensitivity, and warmth. None of those help with expressing anger; in fact, it’s just the opposite. The Harmonizer Phase person fears that if they express their anger people will reject them, and it will threaten relationships.”

“I can relate,” Kayla remembered several situations.

Pauline continued, “What if a child with a Harmonizer Phase grows up around people who express anger in passive aggressive or aggressive ways? For a child, the message is that anger hurts people. So it’s a natural coping mechanism to avoid it or stuff it inside. If Harmonizers hide or stuff their anger, it comes out in the form of losing confidence and self-esteem, taking things too personally, and getting depressed because they turn the anger on themselves instead. Inevitably, Harmonizers can’t stuff the anger forever. Sometimes they blow up and overreact, then others freak out, confirming their belief that showing anger damages relationships.

“This is what Sam did with me. It was during an executive meeting. I interrupted her and told her to get to the point. She blew up and yelled at me. It was totally out of context and everybody freaked out. Sam felt horrible.”

“That’s pretty much the story of my life until recently,” Kayla responded. “I avoided anger like the plague. And I was the one who ended up depressed.”

“Until recently?” Pauline probed.

“Yeah. Lately I’ve been more willing to tell people when I feel angry. It’s less of a problem now. Not that it went away, just that I’m getting better at talking about it instead of stuffing it inside. It still sneaks up on me though, like the other day with Lucas. I totally missed what was happening. I was angry and I wasn’t honest with him.”

“Great insight! I don’t want to oversimplify, but I can say that in my experience the majority of conflicts originate from the Phase issue. Most of us can go through life pretty easily until something happens that brings the Phase issue into focus. Then we have a challenge and a choice to make. Get honest and deal with it openly, or avoid it and head down the path of disconnection and self-sabotage. Self-awareness is rooted in recognizing when this happens. Self-management, then, means we get honest with ourselves and others, and handle it openly.”

Kayla checked her understanding. “I can really see how important it is for us to deal authentically with our Phase issue. And I see why you call it doing the hard emotional work.”

Pauline added, “Yeah, and it’s a lot more scary and vulnerable than safe honesty because we are putting our real stuff on the table. What if someone rejects us? What if they don’t take us seriously or don’t see the value in our emotions? What if they simply can’t relate?”

“Totally. So how do you get over it and get on with the hard emotional work of being honest?” Kayla probed.

“Unfortunately, there’s no magic bullet. But there are some affirmations we can give ourselves and others to help things progress. One of the most important affirmations Harmonizers can give themselves is ‘My needs and feelings matter. It’s okay to express how I feel, and nobody needs to get hurt in the process.’ Another assurance I tell myself regularly is ‘How someone responds to me doesn’t define me. I choose to speak up because I matter, not because I need someone else’s approval.’”

“Wow, that’s powerful stuff. And I bet it’s easier said than done,” Kayla reflected.

“Yep, no doubt. It takes practice, courage, and faith,” Pauline confirmed. “At ProcessCorp one of our commitments is that we support people in talking about their emotional motives and issues. After all, these are what influence us, so why not get it out in the open and support each other in addressing that gap in the most honest way possible?”

“Maybe that’s why the interactions between people seem so real and authentic,” Kayla wondered to herself.

Pauline broke the silence, “We’ve only talked about the Harmonizer Phase issue. Every personality type has its own issue. When I first learned about this it blew me away. I’ll admit I didn’t believe it at first and was stunned that the PCM Profile could reveal this much about me from a few questions. Your PCM Profile identifies which floor is your Phase.”

I’M THE SAME AND I’M DIFFERENT

The concept of Phase was not covered in her first training session, but Kayla had looked ahead in her workbook. She saw a little elevator symbol parked next to the Rebel floor in her condo (see Figure 4).

“My Phase floor is Rebel, which is the second floor up in my condo. What’s up with that?”

“Have you ever felt you were going through a phase in life? When we say that, we are referring to what’s important for us right now during this time frame in our lives. The same is true with personality. One floor in our personality condominium, called our Phase floor, correlates with a few features that are most important right now in our lives. What are they? Motivational needs, distress behavior, and, you guessed it, the emotional issue.”

“Hang on. You’re losing me.” Kayla stopped Pauline. “Before, you said that any of the positive qualities of the different floors in our condo are accessible any time just by riding our elevator. In our first PCM session we learned all about these and practiced riding our elevators up and down to energize different floors. Now you are saying that some qualities are isolated to a certain floor. Which is it?”

Figure 4. Kayla’s Personality Profile with Phase Floor

“Ah, yes. This is one of the reasons why I love PCM and why I am so intrigued by it. The phenomenon of Phase explains how we can at the same time have a stable personality throughout our lives, and still experience significant changes in what’s important to us and how we behave in distress. It also explains why two people can have the same condo structure yet be so different. It’s because their Phase floors are different.”

Kayla was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed, but also deeply curious about this phenomenon—particularly because she had recently experienced a pretty dramatic change in what was important to her and hadn’t been able to make any sense of it. All that came out of her mouth was, “I don’t get it.”

Pauline recognized that Kayla’s Rebel Phase was running out of energy and needed to recharge if she was going to be able to absorb the rest of their conversation. So she replied with playful energy, “This is heady stuff! We are almost done for today. Let’s get up and take a stretch break!”

They walked to the cafeteria and refilled their drinks. After moving around a bit, Kayla was thinking clearly again and ready for the big reveal.

Pauline continued. “Motivational needs, distress behavior, and emotional issues are all connected. You’ll learn about that in your next PCM training session. For now, though, it’s enough to know that these three things are huge influencers of our behavior. And, at any time in our lives, the needs, distress behavior, and emotional issue of only one floor are the primary driving forces in our lives. This floor is called the Phase. The emotional issue correlated with your Phase is called the Phase issue.”

“So our condo structure stays the same throughout our life, but our Phase floor could change?” Kayla checked.

“Yes. This is such an important and unique feature of PCM. Because our condo structure stays the same, our strongest Base Perception and Character Strengths also stay the same. This explains how we stay the same but also change during our lives,” Pauline explained.

“You might be too young to have experienced this, but I’ll illustrate with an example from my twentieth high school class reunion last fall. At the reception I recognized an old classmate and friend of mine across the room whom I hadn’t seen since graduation. We made eye contact and I immediately remembered the connection we had in high school. We were the action kids, always making stuff happen. We made our way to each other and started telling old stories. It was great! But as we shifted to talking about our current lives, I realized that we didn’t have much in common at all. Our priorities were really different and the conversation got awkward. We politely moved on to other people. I bet one or both of us had experienced a Phase change since high school. Our motivational needs were different.”

“Okay. I get it, in theory. You started with the Harmonizer Phase issue because you said Sam and I had it in common. I noticed that my Harmonizer floor is my Base, and hers is the second one up. Please explain.”

“What that means, Kayla, is that our Phase can change. The last piece of the puzzle that Dr. Kahler figured out is this: when we are born and our personality is being formed, our Phase floor is the same as our Base. In other words, the motivators, distress, and Phase issue of our Base floor is primary at birth. We all start there.”

“Oh, so that explains why I remember dealing with the Harmonizer Phase issue earlier in my life.” Kayla was making connections.

Pauline smiled. “And people change. We go through stuff, we encounter obstacles, we learn and grow. When we don’t take good care of ourselves and avoid dealing with our Phase issue, it can initiate a Phase change. The order of our condo doesn’t change, but our motivational needs, distress behavior, and Phase issue shift to those of the next floor up in our condo. So, while our condo structure and positive qualities remain unchanged, we begin to experience the world differently because new things are important to us.”

“Holy cow! I get it! I’ve been noticing that my Base Harmonizer needs are still important but not the same as before. You said when people experience a Phase change, they shift to the next floor up. My next floor is Rebel. That’s my current Phase floor.” Kayla felt more energized.

“Yep,” Pauline explained, “Rebel is your current Phase. That means the motivational needs, distress, and Phase issue of your Rebel floor are primary for you right now. Of course, you can still take your elevator to anywhere in your condo and energize the perceptions and character strengths of those floors. But the Rebel floor is especially important for you in terms of your own self-care, leadership style, and ability to connect with others.”

“Okay, I have a million questions now! What is the emotional issue for my Rebel Phase? Why did I change to Rebel Phase instead of any other floor in my condo? What do I need to do to stay healthy? How do I determine what Phase other people are in?” Kayla was hungry for more!

“I love your enthusiasm!” Pauline laughed. “These are all the right questions. Feel free to read ahead in your profile. And, good news! These questions will be answered in your next PCM training module. We are out of time today, but before we end, I will answer one question.

“The Rebel Phase issue is responsibility. This means taking full responsibility for your own emotions and behaviors. The Rebel type is spontaneous, creative, and playful. So, feeling responsible isn’t easy, especially when you make a mistake, or fail to meet an expectation. Responsibility is such a buzzkill! What a dilemma!

“So here’s your homework. This week I want you to pay attention to situations where you feel responsible and how you handle it. With all the new stuff you are learning every day, I bet you’ll have no problem finding examples!”

Kayla immediately felt pressure in her chest, as if she was being squeezed from the outside. She felt like a microscope was being focused on her. She didn’t like it at all and wanted to disappear.

Pauline must have noticed. “Don’t worry about what’s right or wrong, simply pay attention to it. I appreciate and accept you the way you are, mistakes and all! Today we talked about doing the hard emotional work. It’s not super fun stuff, but really important. I loved your energy and enthusiasm today. Remember, you are amazing and gifted. I’ll be looking forward to hearing what you experience this week.”

Kayla felt some of the pressure subside with Pauline’s permission and affirmation. “Okay. Got it.”

RESOURCE GUIDES

Table 3: Personality Phase Types, Phase Issue, Positive Modus Operandi, and Dilemma

In PCM, Phase issues represent the connection between a particular Phase in a person’s personality and the emotional issue that is relevant for them at that time in their life. Modus operandi represents the basic approach to life of that personality type. The dilemma is caused by a mismatch between the Phase issue and modus operandi of that personality type.

Table 4: Personality Phase Types, Phase Issue, and Cover-up Behavior

Phase issues and cover-up behavior are correlated. Cover-up behavior is often a sign that a person is not dealing authentically with their Phase issue.

Table 5: Personality Phase Types, Phase Issue, and Affirmations

Affirmations are self-statements that give permission and guidance around authentic expression of Phase issues. This can often reduce or eliminate the cover-up behavior.