FIVE

Self-Deception

Stop lying to yourself. When we deny our own truth, we deny our own potential.

—Steve Maraboli

Learning about personality differences, especially when you know how to adapt communication accordingly, enables much greater influence than most people are used to. This is uncomfortable for many leaders because the last thing we want to do is manipulate people, or treat them like a puzzle to figure out so we can get what we want.

Positive leadership is about influencing individual strengths toward shared goals. When people get their Phase needs met in positive ways and help others do the same, they can exert positive influence. When people don’t get their Phase needs met in healthy ways, they will attempt to get those very same needs met negatively, with or without awareness, and this is called distress. Influence is about getting needs met positively. Manipulation is about getting needs met negatively. We all know that negative attention can have great influence as well. Many workplaces and personal relationships are ruled by the influence of negative attention.

Distress is all about deception and justification. It starts with deceiving ourselves about who is worthwhile and under what conditions. We spend enormous energy trying to justify our beliefs about our own and others’ value, capability, and responsibility, and behave in a manner that fulfills those prophecies. This is why our distress invites distress from others. Leaders in distress can’t see the forest for the trees because they are focused on proving their version of reality instead of positively motivating themselves and others.

Toxic leaders spend all their energy trying to control negative behavior and feel justified. Despite how hard they try, they can’t get a handle on the problem because they aren’t dealing with the root cause. PCM reveals that behind every negative attention behavior is an unmet positive need.

Leaders can apply this four-step process to maintain positive influence and avoid the dangers of self-deception.

1. Recognize their own negative attention distress warning signs.

2. Arrange to get their Phase needs met positively every day.

3. Recognize others’ distress warning signs.

4. Offer others their positive Phase needs on a regular basis.

Resource guides at the end of this chapter show the early warning signs and negative attention behavior associated with each unmet positive need, as well as the best and worst workplace environments to motivate each Phase type.

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Kayla was on cloud nine for the rest of the day. As soon as she got home, she searched the internet for MUSE School in Calabasas, California. She learned about the dream of two sisters with a vision for passion-based learning and care for the environment. Their motto was pretty aspirational: “Inspiring and preparing young people to live consciously with themselves, one another, and the planet.” She was impressed with how intentional this school was in building PCM into every facet of their program.

Kayla discovered that every teacher and staff member is trained to recognize and respond to every personality type within their students, and each other. PCM classes are even offered for parents and caregivers. They create space for all types to learn according to their motivational needs. They teach students how to communicate with all the personality types. They even let students tell teachers how they want to be communicated with during the day. They hold students to high standards, as evidenced by meeting state accreditation standards and graduating successful classes of college entrants. Every student has a learning plan that includes their personality structure, how they are getting their needs met, and how they can learn best. And, the teachers honor the personality diversity within their team as well. Behavior problems are virtually nonexistent.

INFLUENCES FROM MY PAST

Kayla decided to go for a bike ride on a new trail she had been wanting to explore. She loaded up her bike and headed out. Kayla wished she had been able to go to a school like MUSE. She wondered how she had been influenced by her parents, friends, and teachers. She reflected on her favorite teacher, Mrs. Panetta, from fifth grade. Mrs. Panetta always gave her a hug in the morning. She was patient and kind when Kayla struggled in class and was always so warm and affirming during parent-teacher conferences. “No wonder I liked Mrs. Panetta!” Kayla realized. “She offered me my Harmonizer Phase needs every day.”

Mr. Fredricks was a different story. Kayla hated math in school, and it started with Mr. Fredricks. He was nonemotional, didn’t look people in the eye, and never seemed to care. He got excited about math but didn’t have compassion for Kayla when she was anxious or confused. When she asked for help, Mr. Fredricks would ask rhetorical questions or refer her back to the workbook. Kayla often felt stupid and small. She quit asking for help from the teacher and decided that math wasn’t for her.

Kayla’s mom wasn’t much help growing up. She worked nights in the laundry department of a hospital. Although she provided for the family and took care of the essentials, she wasn’t present. She was either tired or asleep much of the time that Kayla was in the house.

Kayla’s dad was a funster, always playing pranks, telling jokes, and having a good time. He worked as a mechanic for a large trucking company. He also played in a band with a few of his coworkers. They would practice in the garage and play occasional gigs on the weekends. Although Kayla enjoyed the lively atmosphere, she often wished dad would spend more quality time with her. More recently, though, Kayla had noticed how much more she was connecting with her dad.

A steep section on the trail jolted Kayla from her daydreaming. After navigating the hill, she stopped for a water break. While she was soaking in the cool evening air and beautiful view from the hill, Kayla had an epiphany. “It’s because of my Phase change! My dad is probably in a Rebel Phase and that’s my second floor. Growing up, my Harmonizer Phase wanted a more personal connection, but now that my Phase has changed to Rebel, my interactions with him fill my tank more. That’s because I’m motivated differently. He hasn’t changed … I have!”

When Kayla got home she was excited to tell Lucas about her day and what she’d realized on her bike ride. Lucas surprised her with Chinese takeout.

APPLYING THE PLATINUM RULE

Lucas was curious to hear about what Kayla had learned from Pauline. Kayla was so excited to share about the Platinum Rule, the strategy for dealing with her Phase issue, and what an impact PCM had on ProcessCorp’s business success.

Eventually though, Lucas did what he always did: played devil’s advocate, a typical posture for persons in a Persister Phase. After all, they are natural protectors, on the lookout for danger and sniffing out inconsistencies.

“That all sounds great in theory, Kayla. I don’t doubt that people are happier when you give them what they want. I mean, who isn’t? But how realistic is that? People can’t expect to get their motivational needs met all the time. Sometimes you gotta just deal with it and push through even when things aren’t easy. That’s the problem with this generation, they expect to have everything their way.”

Kayla felt defensive. Instead of defending herself or taking sides though, she tried to put herself in Lucas’s shoes by energizing her own Persister perception of Opinions, and connecting with the strengths of being conscientious, dedicated, and observant. “Lucas has a lot of Persister energy,” she reminded herself. “He sees the world through the lens of values. He admires qualities like perseverance, integrity, and character, so I can imagine this all seems kind of fluffy to him. I wonder if this is his current Phase.”

Kayla realized that if she wanted to influence Lucas in a positive way, the conversation had to connect with his motivators, not hers. She had learned in PCM training that people in a Persister Phase are motivated by recognition of purposeful work and respect for their convictions. This fit for Lucas. He seemed most satisfied when he knew his work made a meaningful difference and was done with quality. His work was a reflection of his character and values. So Kayla gave it a try.

“Lucas, I can completely see where you are coming from. This all seems pretty fluffy, like anything goes, as long as people are happy. I’m remembering something I said to Pauline earlier today and I wonder if it would resonate with you. Pauline and Sam were pushing me to take ownership over my discomfort with responsibility, reminding me that regardless of my personality, I am responsible for my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. My conclusion was that personality is not an entitlement program. How does that sit with you?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, Kayla.” Lucas seemed almost jubilant. “I have no problem with supporting diversity and all that, but people still have to step up and get the work done.”

Kayla was excited about the connection she was making with Lucas. “I’m with you. The main takeaway for me is that we have to balance individual differences with our collective goals and purpose. When people are treated according to their own personality, they have more energy and enthusiasm to contribute toward the big goals. They do higher quality work because they are invested.”

“I can buy that,” Lucas said calmly. “I’ll be curious to see how it plays out with you. I have noticed that you seem happier, and you aren’t making excuses as much.”

“Yeah. I hate to admit it, but I am happier,” Kayla agreed. “I’m realizing that if I feel it, share it, ask for help, and solve it with my special set of skills, I’m much better off.” Kayla felt a new level of confidence.

“So Kayla, what motivates you?” Lucas asked.

“Thanks for asking. Let’s clean up dinner and head to the balcony and I’ll tell you!” Kayla felt a deeper connection with Lucas and was excited about his curiosity. She used her PCM action plan to tell Lucas about her Base and Phase motivational needs.

MEETING PEOPLE WHERE THEY ARE AT

Kayla spent a good deal of time thinking about how her personality structure and most developed character strengths could help her contribute at ProcessCorp. She could see how her warm and welcoming style and creative energy were valuable for her work. It wasn’t difficult for her to accept people for who they were and allow conversations about personal stuff. So she felt good about helping support a safe and curious culture at ProcessCorp.

She continued to be curious about Pauline, though. Pauline’s personality structure was novel to Kayla, partly because it was so different from hers, and partly because she had negative associations with Promoter energy in her past. She wanted to learn more.

One morning Kayla saw Pauline walking toward the break room, so she followed her.

After some small talk, Kayla initiated, “Pauline, I’ve been meaning to ask you about something. I’m so curious about the Promoter personality type. It’s not very strong in my condo.” Using Pauline’s preferred Directive channel of communication, Kayla continued, “Tell me how you experience it and how that’s been for you here at ProcessCorp.”

Pauline lit up. “I will. Promoter is, indeed, my Base. Of course, I have five other floors in my personality just like you. Let me show you.” Pauline gestured toward her office.

Kayla followed Pauline to her office. Pauline grabbed the acrylic desk stand holding her personality condo from her desk and showed Kayla. “My Base is Promoter. My next floor is Thinker and that’s my current Phase. Then Harmonizer next. After that, my next three floors are pretty small, so it takes a lot of energy for me to appreciate and communicate with those types in others. It’s a work in progress.

“But you asked how it’s been for me at ProcessCorp,” Pauline continued. “PCM has really challenged me. I’m a no-nonsense person. My Promoter Base wants to cut to the chase and just get stuff done. This is where Sam and I have had conflicts in the past.”

Kayla interrupted, “But you seem so good at it now. I see how you talk differently to people and seem to practice the Platinum Rule effortlessly.”

“Thank you for that, Kayla. I’m glad you notice. It’s not easy and it’s taken a lot of work. Collecting ROI data was huge for me. That’s when things started to click. I’m guessing it struck a chord with my Thinker Phase. It was rational data that supported the hard work we were doing to individualize our communication for each personality type. And, it’s not like I’m heartless. My Harmonizer floor is third strongest, and I have about 60 percent energy there. So I can energize my compassionate side when I need to.”

Kayla recalled, “I saw that the other day when you reassured Mario when his proposal wasn’t chosen.”

“Yep, that’s right. In that situation I was able to empathize with Mario’s loss because we both have a Thinker Phase, so those kinds of situations are particularly difficult for us. I channeled my Harmonizer energy to show compassion and support.”

Pauline continued, “I’m not perfect though. It’s an ongoing discipline to recognize and honor my unique way of approaching things, and help others do the same. It’s both a mindset and a skillset. The mindset is that everyone is valuable, capable, and responsible. It’s a decision to keep these switches on every day.¹ The skillset is using the tools of PCM to help that potential come alive in relationships. I constantly remind myself that PCM is about types in people, not types of people. Since I have all those same types in me, I try to channel my own energy to connect with others.”

“What about you, though? Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself in the process?” Kayla asked.

“Great question, Kayla. I worried about that at first, but here’s the deal. You can’t change your personality—in other words, the order of your floors—you can only work with it to become more nimble and agile. I have to respect and take care of my personality structure in order to be healthy. If I ignore my Base Promoter’s need for action, I can really become a negative influence around here. I get impatient with people and stop supporting them, preferring to just go it alone. That doesn’t make me a very good team player. The positive part is that my Promoter is really adaptable, and I love to figure out how to connect with people. It’s like a challenge. It’s a personal victory for me when others feel heard and motivated in a genuine way.

“If I don’t get my Thinker Phase needs for recognition of productive work and time structure met in a healthy way, I attempt to get them met negatively and become a nasty micromanager. That’s my Thinker distress behavior. Nobody likes that. Sam and I like to share horror stories from our past of being in Thinker distress. It helps us remember not to go there again.”

Kayla expressed what was becoming clear to her. “So it still comes down to taking care of our own personality first?”

“You got it Kayla. You can’t see others through until you see yourself through. They go hand in hand.”

Kayla wanted to thank Pauline for opening up and sharing her personal story. But before she opened her mouth, she realized that she was affirming what was important to her, personal connection. That’s not what motivated Pauline. So instead of practicing the Golden Rule, Kayla energized her Thinker floor to offer Pauline’s Phase motivational needs. “Pauline, thanks for taking the time to explain this to me. It made a lot of sense and I can really see how much more effective and productive your team is because you practice PCM.”

Pauline beamed. “Thank you, Kayla. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. I can tell you are gonna rock with this PCM stuff.”

Kayla realized what had just happened. She smiled all the way back to her desk.

After she sat down, Kayla noticed Mario standing at the copy machine across the office. Her observations of his behavior were consistent with a Thinker Base, and that’s what Pauline had told her. Kayla felt energized and recognized that it was because her own needs were getting met positively. So she decided to keep practicing PCM. She went over to Mario and initiated the Requestive (Asking) channel. Temporarily subduing her natural warmth and playful energy, Kayla energized her Thinker floor to adopt a more serious tone and rigid posture. “Mario, what are you working on?”

Mario turned around and replied in a monotone voice, “I am making copies of a proposal for a client meeting this afternoon.”

“I guess we are communicating,” Kayla told herself. “This is how Requestive channel with Thinkers is supposed to work. I asked him for information and he gave it to me, no emotions involved.” She remembered the Rule of Communication from PCM Training: Communication occurs when there is an offer and a response in the same channel. So she continued by initiating the Requestive channel again with Mario. “Pauline invited me to this meeting but I don’t know many details. What are the most important details I should know?”

Mario stopped what he was doing, turned around, and gave Kayla his full attention. “As soon as I finish making these copies I have a few free minutes. I’d be happy to give you a quick briefing.”

“Sounds great. I’ll be at my desk. Will you come get me?” Kayla asked, continuing to use Mario’s favorite channel.

“Yes.” Mario turned back toward the copy machine.

“It’s so clear,” Kayla realized as she went back to her desk. “Using someone’s favorite channel could really reduce miscommunication and improve efficiency.” She remembered another comment her PCM trainer, Sandy, had made: that channels are like mini-contracts between two people. When we use someone’s favorite channel and when we reciprocate in the channel that’s offered to us, we let people know we can be trusted.

The next day was Kayla and Pauline’s weekly ProcessCorp integration session. Pauline was ready to jump right in. “Good morning, Kayla! Great to see you. I enjoyed our last meeting and have been looking forward to continuing the conversation. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing great, Pauline. I have a ton to share with you from my homework assignment.”

“Let’s get to it.” Pauline leaned forward in her chair with curiosity and focus. Kayla was much more aware of Pauline’s Promoter Base perception of action.

Kayla told Pauline all about the connections she’d made and how she had applied PCM in her conversations with Lucas and Mario.

POSITIVE VERSUS NEGATIVE INFLUENCE

Pauline inquired, “Kayla, how did you feel when you used different parts of your personality to make a stronger connection with others?”

Kayla thought for a moment, “I felt good. I’m almost afraid to say this, but I felt powerful. In the past when I didn’t feel understood or there was miscommunication, I would usually just give in or make excuses. I felt powerless or defensive. Recently, though, I’ve realized that within me is a lot more potential than I ever imagined. When I can find that energy and use it to respect where someone else is coming from, it’s amazing.”

“You were afraid to feel powerful?” Pauline asked.

Kayla answered, “Yeah, because the last thing I want to do is manipulate or control people. Yet, when I adjusted how I communicated, I got dramatic results.”

Pauline got more serious, “Real connection is powerful. PCM enables much greater influence than most people are used to. And you are right, the last thing we want to do is manipulate or control people. Many leaders abuse psychological tools or personality models. They use the tools to see through people instead of seeing people through. They act like people are some puzzle to figure out so you can get what you want.”

Kayla was serious, too. “I want to be a leader who sees people through. How do I know the difference?”

Pauline smiled, “That’s what I was hoping to explore with you today. Thanks for bringing it up!

“Influence can be positive or negative. Leadership is about leveraging individual differences toward shared goals. When we are getting our Phase needs met in positive ways and helping others do the same, we can exert positive influence.

“But we don’t always get our needs met in healthy ways. Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. Sometimes we encounter stress that makes it really hard to get our needs met. Sometimes we are in situations that are toxic to our needs. Sometimes we are just plain stubborn. We know better and we still don’t do it.”

“This sounds familiar,” Kayla interrupted. “In my last PCM training session I learned about the relationship between positive and negative attention. When we don’t get our Phase needs met in positive ways, we will attempt to get those very same needs met negatively, with or without awareness. It’s so predictable!”

“Tell me about it!” Pauline reacted. “This is huge. PCM shows us how we can exert positive influence, and how in distress we will exert negative influence by trying to get our needs met negatively.”

Kayla clarified, “So you are saying that if I am getting my needs met negatively in distress, then I am exerting negative influence?”

“Yes, Kayla,” Pauline responded. “And, to make matters worse, distress invites distress. When I am in distress, I invite others into distress.”

“That’s crazy. Why does that happen?” Kayla wondered out loud.

SELF-DECEPTION AND THE IRONY OF INTENT

Pauline explained, “There are some things about distress that are as old as human relationships, and incredibly pertinent to leadership. Recognizing these dynamics is critical to staying healthy and seeing people through.

“It starts with recognizing the reality that we are all motivated to meet our Phase needs, consciously or unconsciously. And, like I said earlier, sometimes we don’t accomplish it in a healthy way, for whatever reason. Then, we attempt to get those very same needs met negatively. It’s not that humans want to sabotage themselves, but in the absence of positive attention, negative attention is second best. Humans would rather have negative attention than none at all.”

“People do some pretty icky stuff in distress. How do we live with ourselves?” Kayla’s Harmonizer Base was truly curious why people would do mean things on purpose.

“Self-deception and self-justification,” Pauline answered. “In distress, we start to deceive ourselves about who’s worthwhile and under what conditions. That’s how we justify our negative behavior toward ourselves and others. Of course, then we have to get others to buy into the deception so we don’t have to be as responsible for our negative behavior. Our behavior is designed to get others hooked so they play along with it. All the while, we can’t see the forest for the trees because we are focused on proving our version of reality, not doing what’s effective or healthy.”

“Our version of reality?” Kayla asked.

Pauline continued, “Yeah, think of it like this: our healthy modus operandi is to get our needs met positively. That’s our positive intention. In distress, we deceive ourselves into accepting a different modus operandi, a negative, self-sabotaging intention. PCM predicts exactly what it is and how it hurts us.”

“I learned about the distress behaviors of each Phase, but nothing about negative modus operandi. Tell me more,” Kayla directed Pauline, staying with Pauline’s favorite channel.

“Let’s get specific, Kayla, and I’ll start with me. Then, we can look at your profile. My Phase is Thinker. My positive needs are recognition of productive work and time structure. When I can arrange for these needs to be met positively, I am a happy camper because I am fulfilling my positive intention. I have more energy and flexibility to ride my elevator to other floors in my condo and practice the Platinum Rule. It’s so much easier to see people through.

“However, when I don’t get these needs met positively, I do some pretty predictable things. My early warning signs are that I start to believe that I have to be perfect to be worthwhile, so I overthink and overexplain everything. You might notice that my emails get longer and more convoluted because I can’t get to the point until I’ve completely explained myself. I convince myself that I can do it better and faster than anyone else, so I don’t delegate. Not very helpful as a leader.”

Kayla chuckled to herself. She had been the recipient of such an email from Pauline. She remembered reading it and wondering what the heck Pauline was even trying to say.

Pauline must have noticed. “I know, I know. Isn’t it ironic that I think I can do it better and faster myself, but my emails take longer for everyone to read and only confuse people?

“Where things really take a turn for the worse, though, is when I replace my positive modus operandi with my Thinker’s negative intention of being in control. When I don’t get positive recognition for my work or time structure, I start to control everyone else’s work and time structure. I micromanage and get pretty critical, convincing myself that the problem is that other people are lazy, stupid, and wasting time.”

“Is that where your and Sam’s horror stories come from?” Kayla wondered out loud.

“Yep. And here’s the inevitable consequence of my distress behavior: morale plummets and productivity eventually goes down. Because of me, everybody is running around scared, angry, and second-guessing themselves. The irony of it all is that by choosing my negative modus operandi of control as an alternative to my positive needs, I sacrifice the things that matter most to me, productivity and efficiency. It’s like making a deal with the devil where I feel justified at first, but always lose in the long run.”²

“Wow, that’s intense. I guess Karma really is a bitch.”

Pauline laughed, “Yep, you got it! And it gets worse.”

“How can it get worse?” Now Kayla was laughing.

“Remember the Phase issue, that emotional Achilles’s heel that can trip us up when we don’t deal with it authentically?”

Kayla thought for a moment, then blurted out the connection she had just made. “Oh my goodness! Grief and loss. That’s the Thinker’s Achilles’s heel. The irony is that the more they try to control things, the more they lose control over the things they value most.”

“Exactly,” Pauline chimed in. “So we Phase Thinkers in distress keep getting more and more opportunities to experience the grief associated with loss. If we recognize what’s happening, we can authentically grieve the losses, recognize that we aren’t in control, and start getting our needs met positively again.”

“I suppose that’s easier said than done, huh?” Kayla suggested.

“Yes, especially since in distress we are invested in self-deception and justification. Sometimes it takes a significant event or outside help to bring us back to reality.” Pauline paused reflectively. “And sometimes by the time we figure it out, it’s too late to go back to the way things were.”

“What do you mean?” Kayla asked.

Pauline’s tone was reflective and serious. “When I was in my Promoter Phase I spent a long time in distress, engaging in my negative modus operandi of manipulation and pursuing supremacy by trying to dominate everyone. But I lost my ability to lead others and the glory faded. By the time I took responsibility for my behavior and authentically addressed my Phase issue of bonding and intimacy, there was no going back. I got healthy, which was awesome. But my new normal wasn’t the same. I experienced a Phase change to Thinker, the next floor in my condo. As a result, I had different motivational needs. The old Promoter Phase need for incidence didn’t fill my tank in the same way it used to.”

Kayla pressed, “How do you know if it’s too late to go back?”

“There’s no magic test you can take, but there are a few criteria that help us get a pretty good idea. If these three things all happen, there’s a good chance that a person will experience a Phase change: they are 1) stuck in negative attention distress behavior most of the time, for at least six months to two years, 2) during that time, they are avoiding dealing authentically with their Phase issue, and 3) they eventually recognize what’s happening, take personal responsibility for their situation, and address the Phase issue authentically.”

“Some people seem to be in distress their whole lives,” Kayla mused. “I wonder if they ever take the third step.”

“Yeah, I know people like this. It’s really unfortunate because they are miserable and they just keep attracting more drama and misery. But enough about me. Kayla, are you still interested in seeing how the irony of intent plays out with your personality?”

“It’s pretty complicated. I don’t get it.” Kayla’s tone was strained and she felt pressure in her chest.

Pauline jumped in with extra energy. “No doubt! This whole irony thing is like getting hit in the face with your own fist. Put up your hand.”

Kayla had no idea what Pauline was doing, but she put her hand up. Pauline pulled a small rubber ball out of a basket on her desk and threw it at Kayla’s hand. It bounced back at Pauline, knocking over her water glass. A little water spilled on the floor.

Kayla laughed out loud and blurted out, “Okay, what just happened?!”

Pauline had a wry smile on her face. “Just messing around trying to lighten the mood. That was my attempt at offering your Phase need of contact.”

Kayla loved how much better she felt, and hated how obvious it was. “Okay, that’s PCM voodoo magic,” was all that came out.

“Positive influence, Kayla. I noticed you were getting drained from all these logical connections I was asking you to make. So I tried offering you contact as a way to help energize you for the next few minutes of our meeting.”

“Well, it worked!” Kayla said, smiling. “Now I’m ready to try analyzing my own stuff.”

“Lay it on me!” Pauline replied.

“Well, I just showed you my early warning sign,” Kayla began. “I get confused and can’t think clearly so I say things like, ‘I don’t get it.’ It’s not that I’m stupid, I just can’t think clearly so I try to get others to do it for me. My Phase Rebel need is contact. If I can get daily doses of creative activity and move around I’m in a great space. If I don’t get contact in a positive way, my distress behavior is to blame others and avoid any responsibility for my own behavior. I get negative contact by complaining and making excuses when people try to get me to apologize or take responsibility.”

“Makes sense to me.” Pauline could see the logic.

“So what’s my negative modus operandi?” Kayla asked rhetorically. “Hmm, I certainly know how to push people’s buttons when I’m in distress. I have been accused of that by Lucas.”

“You’re on to something, here,” Pauline affirmed. “The fancy word for it is ‘provoke.’ Rebel blaming behavior is all about provoking people to get a negative reaction. That makes it easier to blame them for your problems.”

“I get it!” Kayla reacted. “It’s like I get a jolt of satisfaction when somebody gets upset or yells at me, even though I hate it when people are mad.”

“And then what happens?” Pauline probed.

“Usually I get even more pressure to step up, take responsibility, or admit I did it. It really cramps my style. I feel trapped and want to escape.”

“Isn’t it ironic,” Pauline mused. “The more you provoke people, the more they try to control you. There goes your spontaneity and creativity, huh?”

“Yep, it really stinks,” Kayla agreed. “And the only way out is to take responsibility for my own feelings and behaviors, own up, and make it right. But that brings me face to face with my Phase issue of responsibility. It’s just like you said, getting hit in the face with my own fist.”

“The good news is that you recognize it and have tools to get yourself out of it.” Pauline’s voice was reassuring.

“Feel it, share it, ask for help, solve it with my special set of skills?”

“That’s the ticket!” Pauline reacted. “Before we wrap up, I want to connect all this to seeing people through at ProcessCorp.

“When we are in distress, pursuing our negative modus operandi, we’d much rather be justified than do anything effective or healthy. And it’s amazing how much energy people will spend to achieve it. It’s impossible to see people through when we are in distress because our goal is to justify our own false belief about someone’s value, capability, or responsibility rather than influence those positive gifts toward shared goals.”

“That sounds draining.” Kayla had a flashback to her last job.

“I know, right?!” Pauline responded. “And it infects entire cultures. Toxic cultures spend all their energy trying to control negative behavior and feel justified. They can’t get a handle on the problem because they aren’t dealing with the root cause.”

“Let me guess,” Kayla interrupted. “People will attempt to get their needs met negatively as long as they aren’t getting them met positively. So focusing on the negative behavior only makes things worse.”

“Yes!” Pauline was getting more passionate. “Negative attention is a symptom of the problem. Yet, so many leaders and organizations keep chasing an illusion trying to control the symptoms. More policies, more oversight, more power struggles. It’s like if you punished your car when the empty fuel warning light went on. Pure insanity.”

“But then again, distress is insanity,” Pauline continued after a pause, “because we spend all this energy trying to get negative attention, avoiding our Phase issues, tearing ourselves and each other down, all the while justifying it as okay.”

“So what’s the solution?” Kayla was more animated.

“The solution is to fill the tank with fuel. Or electricity if that’s what your car prefers.” Pauline stopped and waited for Kayla to respond.

“Give people what they really need, their Phase motivational needs?” Kayla offered.

“Exactly. This may seem too simple to be so effective, but if someone gets their Phase motivational needs met positively, they don’t need to get them met negatively. Only one side of the coin can be facing up at any given time. What this means, Kayla, is that we have a fundamental choice to make when distress happens. Get sucked into the dynamic of justification and self-deception or see people through by meeting our own and others’ motivational needs in a positive way.”

“Pauline, is what you are saying at all related to the book you have on your desk?” Kayla went to Pauline’s desk and picked up a book titled Leadership and Self-Deception.³

“That’s one of my favorite books and has influenced me so much. It really helped me understand some dynamics of distress, especially as a leader. The authors of this book, The Arbinger Institute, have done some phenomenal work on unpacking the attitudes, mindsets, and behaviors that connect people versus alienating and separating. They have so much to offer on seeing people through.”

“I need to get a copy,” Kayla remarked.

“Would you like to borrow mine?” Pauline offered, then continued, “And with PCM, you can take Arbinger’s wisdom to a whole new level. What PCM does that no other framework can do is unpack these dynamics based on individual personality differences and predict exactly how each personality type will behave in distress. And it doesn’t stop there. PCM guides you on how to recognize what’s happening and intervene positively to turn things around, for any personality structure.”

SEEING PEOPLE THROUGH WHEN DISTRESS OCCURS

“This sounds really hard.” Kayla recognized she was going into distress again and decided to take responsibility for what she wanted. So she continued, “How do we actually turn things around? What does it take?”

Pauline explained, “This is where it gets real, Kayla. Responding constructively to distress in ourselves or others is really hard because the temptation is to seek justification. It’s so much easier than offering people what they really need. Here’s a four-step template we use at ProcessCorp.

“The first step is to become intimately aware of your own distress behavior. What types of interactions or situations are most difficult for you? What are your early warning signs? Your PCM Profile gives some general patterns to look for. The more you can fill in the specifics with your own behavior the more helpful this step will be. When you recognize these, it’s okay to ask for help. In fact, you’d be surprised how well your friends, family, and coworkers actually know your distress behavior. They probably see it before you do.

“Step two is to develop your repertoire of skills for getting your Phase motivational needs met in healthy ways. Again, your PCM Profile action plan gives some suggestions, but only you know what works best for you. Sometimes you have to get creative. Sometimes you have to set boundaries with people. It’s just like healthy diet and exercise.

“Step three is to make friends with your Phase issue. You’ve made a lot of progress on this already, so you are on your way. The Phase issue is sneaky because it creeps up on you when you are least expecting it. As you develop your comfort and competence with handling it, you’ll be much less likely to go into distress.

“Step four is to learn about the other five personality types. This way you can recognize their distress behavior, develop your skills in helping them get their needs met, and support them in dealing openly with their Phase issues.”

“It looks like my profile report has a lot of valuable information in it.” Kayla was looking forward to reviewing her profile again in light of today’s conversation.

Pauline continued, “These four steps are a lifelong process, Kayla. Using PCM to see people through is a way of life and a philosophy of how we are with people, especially as leaders. Working on these steps every day requires a lot of self-awareness and humility. When someone is in your face with their negative attention behavior and inviting you to play the game of distress, it requires a lot of presence and humility to see beyond the bluster, and communicate with the valuable, capable, and responsible person behind that behavior.”

“Any homework today?” Kayla asked.

“Yes.” Pauline answered, “Let’s start with step one, becoming intimately familiar with your distress behavior. I invite you to interview four people this week, two from inside ProcessCorp, and two from your personal life—ideally people who know you pretty well. Show them your profile and describe your Phase needs and distress behavior. Then, ask these people to tell you what they see. The goal is to get an accurate account of your distress behavior. It’s not about self-criticism, it’s about honest self-assessment. Are you willing to do that this week?”

“I’m willing,” Kayla responded. “It doesn’t sound fun, but I’m ready to learn all I can about myself so I can see myself through.”

RESOURCE GUIDES

Table 7: Positive Motivational Needs for Each Phase Type

* PCM Profiles provide extensive detail on specific strategies for meeting Phase needs. To obtain your own PCM Profile, visit SeeingPeopleThrough.com.

Table 8: Environments that Naturally Energize and Challenge Each Phase Type

Table 9: Positive Phase Needs, Early Warning Signs, and Negative Attention Distress Behavior

* PCM describes three predictable and observable degrees of distress. The first degree of distress is the early warning sign. Second degree is when people get their needs met negatively. Third degree, characterized by depression and despair, is common for all types and is not listed on this table. PCM Profiles provide extensive detail on specific behaviors characterizing the distress for each type. To obtain your own PCM Profile, go to SeeingPeopleThrough.com.

Table 10: The Irony of Intent

Each personality Phase type’s primary intention is to get positive psychological needs met. In distress they attempt to get those very same needs met negatively. The self-justified modus operandi is an unconscious negative intention that leads inevitably into failure by reinforcing self-sabotaging sacrifices. As a result, the Phase issue is presented even more intensely.

Table 11: Steps for Seeing People Through When Distress Occurs

Use the self-reflection questions in this table to guide your response when distress occurs. Apply these steps in order. Leaders cannot recognize and respond positively to others’ needs when they are in distress, so steps 1 and 2 are always a priority. Refine as needed.