EIGHT
Self-Fullness
In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. Please secure your own mask before assisting others around you.
—Preflight safety briefing
Servant leadership is about focusing on serving others and the greater good, keeping our ego out of the equation. This is only possible when leaders are healthy and motivated. When leaders are in distress and attempting to get their needs met in negative ways, they are doing more harm than good. However noble it may seem to put others’ needs and interests first, it becomes selfish and destructive when we do it at the expense of our own health. The irony of intent demonstrates that when we deny our own needs, we will inevitably begin operating in ego-based, selfish, and destructive ways.
There’s nothing noble or humble about denying our own motivational needs. Leaders who do this chronically soothe their own guilt, avoid conflict, and keep the peace instead of doing the courageous work of setting boundaries and choosing priorities to keep themselves healthy.
Being a self-full leader means taking elegant care of our motivational needs so that we can show up ready to be our best and do our best. It means filling our own tank before we try to serve others. Only when we meet our own needs first can we energize ourselves to connect more authentically with others.
Leaders are role models and guides. That means we must also support people taking the necessary steps to be self-full. The more we ask of people, the more permission and support we must give them to get their motivational needs met in healthy ways.
_______________
DON’T BE SELFISH
On the way home from work, Kayla felt a strong urge to go biking on her favorite trail. She wasn’t sure if Lucas would be interested in joining her since he usually worked later on Tuesdays and was pretty tired after work. She felt guilt creeping in as a voice in her head said, “You should stay home and be with Lucas. You can go biking another day. Don’t be selfish.”
Kayla loved being on her bike, the wind in her face, and being active in nature. She always felt so good afterward. She messaged Lucas, “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to hit the trail tonight after work.” No sooner had she pressed “send” when she recognized it. “Damn it! Here I go again, believing that I have to make Lucas happy and that I need his permission to do my thing. That’s my Please You Driver. Argh!” She quickly sent another message, “Rewind that. I want to go biking tonight to recharge. I need it to fill my tank. See you later.” Kayla still felt a little guilty but also felt a surge of confidence. She started visualizing her bike route as she continued driving home.
Kayla enjoyed biking with Lucas and her friends, but she also liked going alone. She could go where she wanted, stop when she wanted, and take it at her own pace. While she biked, Kayla started musing about her homework, “How do I make sure my elevator is running smoothly?” She reflected on her own Phase motivational need for contact and her Base need for recognition of person and sensory. “Maybe that’s why biking is so energizing for me,” Kayla wondered. It gave her contact through the movement and physicality of biking. The sights, smells, sounds, and feel of the air definitely fed her senses. But what about her Base need for recognition of person? It seemed to Kayla that this could only happen around other people who loved her and accepted her.
Kayla stopped atop her favorite hill to take in the view and get a drink of water. She couldn’t get one phrase out of her head: “Don’t be selfish.” Even though she knew how energizing and healthy it was for her to go biking, she still felt guilty, like she should be more considerate of her boyfriend’s needs. She made a mental note to ask Pauline about it at their next meeting and took off down the hill. Kayla laughed out loud as she imagined herself as a border collie going through an agility course speeding down the hill. “If I’m a dog, how do I show up ready to do my best?”
The answer hit her at the same time that she hit the sharp turn at the bottom of the hill. Braking hard and leaning to her left, Kayla made the turn and skidded to a stop near a small stream. “I gotta eat and I gotta sleep! That’s what dogs do.” Kayla said to herself, “I can’t run the course without food and rest. I’d never take my dog to a competition without proper food and rest. But for years I’ve been taking myself to work with an empty tank. No wonder I’ve been miserable.” It seemed too obvious to be important, yet it totally made sense.
Kayla was physically tired but emotionally rejuvenated when she got home. Lucas asked if he could come over. Kayla asked him about his day, listened curiously as he shared his opinions about some changes at work, and felt perfectly comfortable focusing on Lucas’s agenda and needs for most of the evening. He did ask her once about her day, but Kayla didn’t feel compelled to keep the focus on her.
For the next several days Kayla’s mind kept going back to her dad. If he was in a Rebel Phase, it made perfect sense why he enjoyed the band with his friends. He got a lot of contact. Yet Kayla struggled with her own feelings of being left out and ignored by him when she was younger. It seemed like he had been selfish spending all that time with his band instead of her. “Maybe Pauline will have a helpful perspective,” Kayla decided, and made another mental note.
Pauline surprised Kayla again for their next meeting. Just before heading up to her office, Kayla got a text from Pauline: “I need to head across town to drop something off for my mom. I don’t want to cancel our meeting. Wanna come with me and we can talk in the car?” Kayla felt a little bit angry, wondering why Pauline couldn’t run her errand later. Why did she need to interrupt their meeting? Kayla also was looking forward to their meeting and didn’t want to miss it. She arrived at Pauline’s office and said, “I got your text. Sure, I’ll come with you. I was looking forward to our meeting.”
“I’m sorry to do this, Kayla. My mom lives in a nursing home across town and she is having some medical procedures done later this morning. I have some paperwork they need and I’m trying to get it to the nursing home before they take her to the doctor. I thought about rescheduling, but I was also looking forward to our meeting so that’s why I suggested you come along. We’ll be in the car for over an hour, so plenty of time to talk. Does this work for you?”
“Sounds good.” Kayla felt better, especially since they stopped by the coffee shop before they headed out.
“So what’s been on your mind this week, Kayla?” Pauline inquired once they were on their way.
Kayla jumped right in. “Two things don’t go together very well, and I’m struggling to reconcile them.” Kayla shared her insights about feeding her own motivational needs, and her insight about the dog agility metaphor and not showing up in a good space for so many years. “But there’s this nagging voice in my head that keeps saying, ‘Don’t be selfish.’ It’s driving me nuts. What’s that about?”
Pauline paused for a few seconds before answering. “How did you know? I have been hearing that same voice all morning. When the nursing home called, I knew that running these forms over would interfere with our meeting time. I really value our time, so I struggled with what to do. When I decided to make the run, my inner voice said, ‘Why don’t you do it later or get someone else to do it. You can’t just cancel your meeting with Kayla. Don’t be selfish.’ Being completely honest, Kayla, the reason I asked you to come along was because I didn’t want to look selfish by making my errand more important than our meeting. Pretty lame, huh?”
Kayla was stunned. “You’re the boss. You can do whatever you want. My schedule is much more flexible than yours. You don’t need to feel guilty.”
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD
“Thanks, Kayla. Really, I appreciate that. Let me explain. My Thinker Phase is naturally responsible. I keep my commitments and follow my schedule, sometimes to a fault. When something unexpected comes up, like this morning, I really struggle with it because it throws my schedule off. My Thinker Phase says, ‘Keep your schedule. Find a way to make it work. Don’t be selfish, don’t let Kayla down.’ You wouldn’t want to be inside my head on days like this!”
“I can relate. So how do you deal with it?” Kayla empathized and was truly curious.
“I remind myself that being self-full is different from being selfish.”
“What is self-full?” Kayla asked. “Is that even a word?”
“I don’t know, but it’s super helpful for me.” Pauline explained, “Self-full means taking elegant care of your motivational needs so that you can show up ready to be your best and do your best. It means filling your own tank before you try to deal with others. My Phase is Thinker. My mom is the most important person in my life. I want to be sure she is getting quality care. I’m able to help with logistics and details to make sure that happens. Why wouldn’t I make her a priority, especially when there’s an urgent situation? It’s so obvious. Taking care of her fills my tank. Knowing that I am helping her have the best possible quality of life helps me meet my needs so that I can stay agile with others in my life.”
“I totally get that,” Kayla empathized again. “Riding my bike is like that for me. It fills my tank. Just the other night I was feeling guilty about going biking by myself without Lucas. But when I got home, I had all this energy to listen to him and meet him where he was at.”
“That’s the irony, Kayla. We believe that it’s noble to put everyone else first, but the reality is that when we meet our own needs first, we energize ourselves to connect more authentically with others.”
Kayla made a connection. She energized her best flight attendant voice and recited, “In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. Please secure your own mask before assisting others around you.”
Pauline laughed. “Exactly! That’s what I’m talking about. How can you help the people around you when you can’t breathe?! I’ll admit, I’ve never actually experienced a loss in cabin pressure so I don’t know what I would do if that happened.”
“We’d probably all freak out.” Kayla pulled down the sun visor, pretending an oxygen mask was falling from the car ceiling, trying to help imaginary people in the back seat while gasping for breath. Pauline and Kayla had a good laugh playing out how absurd this would be.
“In all seriousness, though,” Kayla continued once she had recovered from the loss of cabin pressure, “it’s a lot easier said than done. People don’t always care or appreciate that we need to take care of ourselves. And, what about those voices inside telling us we are being selfish?”
“No kidding, Kayla,” Pauline affirmed. “There are also voices outside of us sending these harmful messages. You are probably familiar with the philosophy of servant leadership. I’m all about serving people and being humble, but when we serve others at the expense of our own needs, we aren’t helping anyone. There’s got to be a balance. There’s nothing noble about hurting yourself. That’s plain selfish.”
“Wait! Did you just say that hurting ourselves is selfish?” Kayla was confused.
NEGLECTING YOUR NEEDS IS SELFISH
“Yes, I did.” Pauline explained, “As crazy as it sounds, when we don’t take care of ourselves, we are being selfish. It’s selfish because we are choosing to soothe our own guilt, avoid conflict, and keep the peace instead of doing the courageous work of setting boundaries and choosing priorities. It’s a cop-out.”
“That’s harsh!” Kayla reacted.
“I’m not attacking people who don’t get their needs met,” Pauline explained. “I’m saying that it takes a lot of courage and discipline to be self-full. When the world doesn’t come to your rescue and voices in your head are telling you to put your needs on the back burner, it takes some serious guts to do the right, healthy thing.”
“And as a leader, everyone is looking at you, too,” Kayla added.
“Yes. As a leader I am both a role model and a guide. People look to me to see how things are going. They watch how I conduct myself, including how I take care of myself. At ProcessCorp we emphasize that all personality types are okay and that it’s okay to take care of yourself in order to show up energized and agile. That means we must also support people taking the necessary steps to do that. The more we ask of people, the more permission and support we must give them to get their motivational needs met in healthy ways.”
Kayla reflected on the support she’d received in getting her needs met at ProcessCorp. “I see what you are talking about, Pauline. And I suppose sometimes that means setting boundaries or asking for help.”
“Very often that’s the case,” Pauline agreed. “We are each responsible for getting our needs met, but that doesn’t mean we can do it alone. Sometimes we need help. Have you met Mia in IT? She has an Imaginer Base and Phase. Her Phase need is solitude. She thrives on being alone and is perfectly content to work with computers and networks all day long. Too many people interactions wear her out.”
“That’s crazy! I love being around people. It energizes me.” Kayla waited for a response.
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?
“Yeah. Not for Mia though. It’s been a learning process for her to stay healthy. There’s a lot of social stuff going on around here, as you know. When Mia first started here, people were always inviting her to hang out, join them on break, or go to happy hour after work. She went along out of obligation but clearly hated it. One of the biggest breakthroughs for Mia was when she realized that it was okay for her to get solitude at work, and there was nothing wrong with her for wanting to be alone. But she had to own it and take responsibility for it. She was the only one who could educate others about her needs and ask for the kind of support she wanted.”
“I bet that was really hard,” Kayla empathized.
“It was, and also liberating for Mia,” Pauline continued. “Her PCM Profile gave her more confidence and permission, and a language to talk about what was going on. When she started sharing it, people were totally supportive. We all know that it’s okay to invite Mia to join us for social stuff. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t. Mia knows it’s okay to get solitude when she needs it and we will respect that. It actually works out really well with her job.”
“But Mia can’t just isolate herself all the time. She’s got to be available, right?” Kayla stopped herself from expressing what she really felt, that Mia was being selfish by avoiding people just because she was Imaginer Phase.
“Of course.” Pauline was firm. “Mia is responsible for her job duties and for being a team player. She’s more than just an Imaginer Phase. She has all six floors in her personality just like you and I. However, getting her Imaginer need for solitude met on a daily basis is the key to her agility. It’s the key for her being able to interact with people effectively. You should see when she energizes her Rebel floor. Her humor and wit are like no other!
“It’s not like we have to be hooked up to the gas pump all day long, though. Regular fill-ups allow us to travel all over the place. But knowing when, how, and where to fill our tank is still the key to being self-full.”
When they arrived at the nursing home, Pauline invited Kayla to come meet her mother and drop off the medical records. Even in the very short time they were there, Kayla could see the strong bond between Pauline and her mother. She could tell how energizing it was for Pauline to help out with important tasks related to her mother’s care.
When they got back in the car, Kayla remembered her other question. “I was wondering, is it possible for me to get my Harmonizer recognition of person needs met without other people? I was thinking that I needed others around to love me and accept me.”
“Great question, Kayla. Why do you ask?”
“Because I was struggling with going biking alone, yet I felt so good afterward. I get how biking meets my contact and sensory needs, but what about recognition of person?”
“Who’s in charge of getting your needs met, Kayla?” Pauline asked.
“Me, I guess.” Kayla wasn’t sure where this was leading.
Pauline probed further. “Do you ever feel like when you are with others you focus on their needs and aren’t as self-full as you want to be, or should be?”
Kayla agreed. “Yeah, quite often. I get energized being with people, especially when I trust them and feel safe with them. But when I’m unsure, I tend to focus more on making sure they are happy, less on my own needs.”
“So what about when you go biking by yourself?”
“It’s on my terms. Nobody is there so I can focus on me without feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness.” Kayla immediately reacted to what she heard herself say. “I get it! When I go by myself, I am taking care of me. I am recognizing my own person.”
“You got it!” Pauline smiled. “I know a lot of people with Harmonizer Base or Phase who really enjoy taking time for themselves to recharge. It’s just like you say, they tune out the rest of the world for a short time so that that they can focus on themselves. It may feel selfish, but it’s totally okay and self-full.”
“What a relief!” Kayla sighed. “That’s so helpful to hear. I don’t always need others to recognize me for me. I can do that all by myself, too!”
“Yes. Seeing people through includes ourselves, too,” Pauline added. “It’s an ongoing process. The better we get at meeting our own needs, the more agile we are with others. When we set appropriate boundaries and ask for help, we allow others to be part of the process and we send the message that it’s okay for them to do that, too.”
POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE
Pauline continued, “Nelson Mandela, who led South Africa out of apartheid after 27 years in prison, is famous for saying, ‘As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.’ But he was quoting a poem by Marianne Williamson called ‘Our Deepest Fear.’ It speaks to the importance of owning our own power and helping others do the same.
“In that same poem Williamson starts with, ‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ Seeing people through is about getting past those negative voices in our head, letting our light shine, and helping others do the same. If you want to read the whole poem, I’m sure it’s on the internet.”
When they got back to work, Kayla thanked Pauline for including her on her errand instead of rescheduling and asked, “Any homework this week?”
“Yes. Next time is our last official session for this part of your integration to ProcessCorp and I have an assignment for you. It’s more of a project than homework. We call it your PCM Leadership Design. It will require you to reflect on what you’ve learned and apply it to your life. I’d like to give us two weeks between now and our last session to give you adequate time, so you don’t feel rushed. Want to hear about it?”
“I’m intrigued. Yes, I’m ready for my assignment,” Kayla responded enthusiastically.
PCM LEADERSHIP DESIGN
Pauline continued, “Your PCM Leadership Design project has four parts.” She handed Kayla a worksheet titled My PCM Leadership Design.
“Part One: For each of the six personality types in you, identify another person whom you would consider a role model for that type. In other words, the type might be this person’s Base or Phase, and it really shines through. Describe what you’ve learned to appreciate about that type from them. Then describe the value of this type in you and how it can serve you in a leadership role.
“Part Two: Describe your Phase and Base distress, being specific about observable behaviors that others can see, and that you can recognize. Explain how it impairs you as a leader, and how you will manage it going forward.
“Part Three: Develop a daily action plan for how you positively meet your Phase and Base needs in a healthy way every day. Keep it realistic, things you can actually do every day without compromising your relationships or responsibilities.
“Part Four: Create a personal mission statement that honors your unique personality.”
“I get the first parts, but what do you mean by personal mission statement?” Kayla felt like there might be a lot of Persister energy required for this part of the assignment.
Pauline explained, “Most of us are familiar with organizational mission statements focusing on the purpose of the organization, why it exists, and what difference it wants to make in the world. I don’t think as leaders we focus enough energy on our own purpose and what difference we want to make in the world. Your PCM personality structure is a wonderful, unique, and powerful thing that gives you the ability to lead in wonderful, unique, and powerful ways. I want you to spend some time reflecting on what might be the purpose of your unique personality. Why are you built this way and what difference could it make in the world? What will you do with it?”
“Do you have a personal mission statement?” Kayla asked.
“Yes, I do. I’ve updated it a few times.”
“Would you be willing to share it with me?”
“Sure, Kayla. Mine goes like this:
My personal mission is to help people execute a plan that maximizes the impact of their unique voice.
“As you know, my Base is Promoter and my Phase is Thinker. This gives me the ability to cut through the chaos and distractions we so often experience, and get to the real issues. I value unique perspectives and I recognize that unless people take personal responsibility around their ideas, they won’t make the kind of impact that is most rewarding for themselves and our company. So I use my Promoter Character Strengths to get to the point and focus on actionable strategies. And I use my Thinker Phase to keep focused on responsibility around execution and impact.”
“I see what you mean. I also see how your personal mission statement fits with ProcessCorp.” Kayla felt a little better since she didn’t hear any Persister opinions coming through in Pauline’s mission statement.
“Exactly,” Pauline agreed. “It works for me, it inspires me, and I believe it captures how I can make the biggest difference using my personality. Kayla, there’s no right or wrong personal mission statement. The best answer is the one that fits you best and inspires you to make the most of your personality every day as a leader.”
“I think I’ve got it. See you in two weeks?” Kayla clarified.
“Yes, and it’s okay to check in with me if you have any questions between now and then.”
Kayla didn’t hear the last thing Pauline said because of the negative reactions she had to all the homework. “More writing! All these questions. And a personal mission statement. This is too hard!”
To reenergize herself Kayla decided to go introduce herself to Mia and see if she could find a Rebel connection.