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Create Connection

To master your motivation, create connection. To create connection, you need to

   Feel a sense of belonging and genuine connection to others without concerns about ulterior motives

   Align goals and actions to meaningful values and a noble purpose

   Contribute to something greater than yourself

During dinner with a successful middle-aged man, I was surprised when he pulled out his phone, took a photo of his meal, and posted it on Instagram. He didn’t seem like the social media type to me. Thirty minutes later, I understood what attracted him to Instagram. He was checking how many likes he’d received. To him, social media wasn’t about connection; it was about competition, rankings, and image. His whole mood changed when he realized someone else’s post had garnered more comments than his. Social media is a testament to our need for connection. But being connected isn’t the same as experiencing connection.

Because we are social animals, connection is our deepest and most profound need, yet it’s probably the least fulfilled in today’s modern world. Connection means authentically caring about others and feeling cared for by them. Social media has the potential to promote that, but as we are apt to do, we externalize our motivation. Instead of cherishing our shared values or interests, we find that our motivation becomes dependent on external factors—on the quantity of our friends, connections, or likes, rather than the quality of our relationships. Never have we been more connected yet experienced less connection.

Creating Connection in Everyday Moments

You can create connection by proactively identifying and appreciating moments to consciously find meaning in whatever you do—sometimes in the most unexpected ways, as I discovered after a grueling uphill hike.

Two major obstacles were preventing me from attaining my ultimate goal: the famous Potato Chip Rock photo op in my hometown, Poway, California. To get to the famous ledge, I needed to climb a huge boulder. Then, somehow, I needed to cross what seemed to be a bottomless ravine leading to the ledge. I studied the techniques of the other (much younger and fit) climbers. But with a recent knee replacement, I simply couldn’t find a way up the big boulder. So I yelled from the base of the huge rock, “Is there a strong young man up there who could help pull me up?” A man crouched, steadied himself, and held out his hand. I couldn’t reach it. Suddenly, I felt someone push me from behind. I grabbed the man’s hand and found myself flying up the rock. But the ravine was another matter. The only approach was to jump across.

That’s when I noticed a strapping young man straddling the ravine and lifting his terrified girlfriend to the other side. I boldly asked him, “If I take your photo, would you be willing to help me across? I can’t make the jump.” After I took his photo, people helped me slide into position, and he carried me across.

What happened next is the real lesson from the day. The configuration of the ravine made it impossible to get back across the way I’d come. A committee formed to figure out a solution. After several failed attempts, a man knelt, giving me his knee as a launching pad, as two men on the other side facilitated my crossing. And then, a chain reaction started. Each group coming up to the ravine began helping each other across. We all literally applauded our ingenuity. What had been a queue of hikers waiting their turn to cross the ravine for photos became a community finding more innovative ways to help launch and lift. The time between photos was shortened considerably.

Why did it take an old lady like me with an artificial knee to break the barrier of “I-have-to-do-this-on-my-own-without-help” mentality? Hundreds of hikers have reached the top of the mountain without having their photo on the famous ledge because they couldn’t find a way to navigate the obstacles. Why are we so averse to asking for help? For some of us, the reason may be ego or fear of being vulnerable. But for most of us, it’s simply that we’re not aware of the beauty of being interdependent.

My Potato Chip Rock photo op was thrilling, but what I hadn’t anticipated was changing the dynamic on top of the rock. The greatest thrill of the day was seeing people enthusiastically being of service. I’ve seen research proving the axiom that giving is more precious than receiving. On that rock, I saw it in action.

When I see the amazing photos of me on Potato Chip Rock, I don’t see me triumphantly alone on the ledge; I feel the support of my friends and a community who helped me get there. I learned that asking for help when you need it doesn’t just increase performance. The wonderful irony is that when you ask for help, you not only experience an intense sense of gratitude for what you receive, but you also help others experience the joy of interdependence and contributing to something greater than themselves.

Are You Undermining Connection?

The World Health Organization recently declared addiction to video gaming as a global mental health issue. Video games can brilliantly (and deceptively) create choice and competence—every decision you make is a choice with immediate feedback that enables you to gauge your effectiveness, increase your competence, and move through levels. What video games don’t usually do is help you create connection. The relationships formed in multiuser games tend to be superficial and competitive. To those who become addicted, gaming becomes a priority to the extent that not much else matters or feels valuable.

Games don’t have to erode connection—game developers are learning that infusing games with meaning might be good for users as well as developers. But video games provide an example of how we can naively undermine connection without realizing it.

To avoid undermining connection, practice actions from the list below:

   Stop pursuing a goal for an external reward. Doing so diminishes the chances of finding a more meaningful and purposeful reason for pursuing that goal.

   Begin engaging in discussions to explore emotions and feelings—mine and those of others.

   Listen with an open heart.

   Don’t judge—myself or others.

   Instead of accepting organizational metrics without meaning, find ways to attribute my own meaning to what my organization is asking of me.

   Align my work and goals to higher-level values or sense of purpose.

   Stop treating business as if it isn’t personal—almost every decision and action at work affects my energy, income, opportunities, and future. How is that not personal?

   Speak truth to power—especially if it’s on behalf of someone who needs an advocate.

   Be honest about my needs, fears, and vulnerabilities.

   Ask for help when I need it.

   Speak up against injustice and unfairness.

The prime minister of the United Kingdom appointed a minister for loneliness in January 2018, citing a study that claimed more than nine million people in the country often or always feel lonely—which can be worse for health than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.¹ In the United States, over 40 percent of adults say they are lonely, which has been associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, depression, and anxiety.² Over 50 percent of CEOs say they are lonely in their roles. Loneliness in the workplace has been shown to limit creativity, impair reasoning and decision making, and reduce task performance.³

If you’ve ever felt isolated, abandoned, rejected, regretful, hostile, vindictive, or without purpose or meaning, you know what it feels like to lack connection. Taking actions to stop undermining connection is important, but you can cut to the chase by asking yourself three questions to create connection.

Questions to Create Connection

Ask yourself targeted questions to create connection:

When it comes to my goal or situation,

1. Can it give me a greater sense of belonging or genuine connection to others involved?

• If I feel a greater sense of belonging, why?

• Could my active involvement contribute to the welfare of others?

• Could this goal or situation lead to a bigger purpose? Why might that be important?

2. Is it meaningful to me?

• If I find it meaningful, why? Are important values aligned to it?

• When I think about the purpose of my role, do I see any connection between this goal or situation and my purpose? Why?

• What is the impact if I don’t get involved?

3. Do I feel what is being asked of me is fair and just?

• If I feel it is fair and just, why?

• If I feel it is not fair and just, why?

• Is it worth standing up for given my values or purpose? Why?

These questions create connection. When your motivation depends on gaining status and power or being fearful of not meeting the expectations of someone important to you, focus on ways to create connection. If you find yourself not caring about someone or something, remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate; the opposite of love is not caring. The only way to make up for a lack of caring is aligning your goal or situation with meaningful values, personal purpose, or work-related purpose.

You can deepen connection by thinking bigger. Focus on how you can build community and contribute to the greater good. Advocate for changes or improvements that promote justice and fair play.

Visit the Master Your Motivation page at www.susanfowler.com to learn more about creating connection.