Part 4
Bad Behavior
Every saint has a past; every sinner has a future.
—Oscar Wilde
Human beings are pretty much the same everywhere you go. Unless you are dealing with a sociopath, most people have their good and their bad sides (yes, that goes for you, too!). This means that you’ll need to be prepared for bad behavior from your direct reports every now and then. It’s important to not be shocked when these things inevitably occur. But it’s also important not to assume that everyone is out to get you or bilk the company for all it’s worth. I think “enlightened realism” is the best approach.
If you want to be cynical, I won’t stop you—but know the toll that this will take on your employees and on the company as a whole. If you don’t trust them, why should they trust you? Conversely, naiveté is not the way to go, either. Just think of Ronald Reagan’s pet phrase: “Trust, but verify.” Start from a place of trust, but be cognizant that you are dealing with human beings, always.
When an Employee Is Perpetually Late
Caring/Concerned
• Your constant lateness has me a bit worried. Is everything okay?
• When you’re late, everyone worries that you’re lying in a ditch somewhere.
• I understand that getting here is a hassle, but we all have to deal with it.
• I just can’t accept this tardiness from someone who has so much potential.
• What can we do to help you get here on time every day?
• Let’s work together to hash out a plan to get you here on time, okay?
• You seem to have difficulty getting here on time; how can we fix this?
• I don’t think we need to let this become a problem, do you?
• You’re not lazy, just mismanaged. I blame myself.
• We’re all late from time to time, but in your case it’s gotten out of hand.
• It’s not fair to the other employees when you come in late each day.
• Make me look good by getting here on time each day, all right?
• Your tardiness has become a pattern and is even being noticed by the CEO.
• It’s really simple: Just leave your house a little earlier in the morning.
• Your time will be valuable only if you value your time.
• Showing up—and showing up on time—is 90 percent of the job.
Overt/Rude
• If I showed up late as many times as you, I’d have been shown the door a long time ago.
• Most people who want to climb to the top climb out of bed a little earlier.
• Would you like me to buy you a new alarm clock? [sarcasm]
• I find that the bills I have to pay really help get me get to work on time. [sarcasm]
• Your perpetual lateness appears to be a pathological disorder; maybe you need help.
• If you are late again without a valid excuse, we’ll have to put you on probation.
• The next time you waltz in late, I’ll waltz over and serve you your walking papers.
• If I were you I’d be on time from now on—if you still want your job, that is.
When an Employee Exhibits Excessive Absenteeism
Subtle
• We’re all very worried about you; is there anything I can do to help?
• I’m sure you have a valid reason for missing so much work. Let me know if I can do anything.
• I’m very concerned about the number of days you’ve been out. Is everything okay?
• I really hope you can get back on track with your schedule. We miss you and all that you do here.
• Ah, there you are; we’d almost forgotten what you looked like. [joking]
• I just can’t stand by idly while you’re missing so much work. What’s going on?
Blunt
• Perhaps I should notify HR about this. They may be able to recommend some solutions.
• We really need to get to the bottom of why you’re out so often.
• We can’t afford to carry any dead weights, which is what is happening here.
• This company won’t stop moving if one part is missing. Please keep that in mind.
• Your continual absence is really unfair to the people who actually show up and do the work.
• Calling in “sick” is like stealing money from our company.
• I think we’re going to have to start looking into a responsible replacement for you.
• I think your department may have rented out your desk by now.
• Anyone who takes this many days off must be very sick, indeed.
• How kind of you to grace us with your presence today. [sarcasm]
• Don’t bother coming back. We’ve found someone else.
When an Employee Exhibits Presenteeism
Compassionate to Rude
• You’ve obviously got a lot on your mind. Is it anything I can help you with?
• I understand you’ve been distracted, but this job requires all of your focus.
• You just don’t seem “here” lately. Is everything okay?
• You’re here, but it feels like your mind is elsewhere. What’s going on?
• I’m concerned that you’re not as invested in your work as you should be.
• I get the feeling that you’re just a seat-warmer these days. Am I wrong?
• You seem to be marking time here lately. What’s going on?
• Yes, showing up is 90 percent of the job, but you’re ignoring the other 10 percent.
• I’d like you to start keeping a log of how you spend your time here.
• Your being here but not doing any work is tantamount to stealing money from the company.
• You’re always here, but for some reason nothing ever gets done. Care to explain that?
• So we’re basically paying you so that you can keep a chair warm?
• What is it that you do here, exactly? [sarcasm]
When an Employee Fails to Meet Goals/Deadlines
Conciliatory
• You seem really overwhelmed. What can I do to help?
• Have I put too much on your plate? Please tell me so I can help fix this.
• Let’s talk about prioritizing tasks and how we can help you manage your time better.
• You’re working hard, but nothing is getting done on time. How can we fix that?
• Everyone has occasional trouble meeting deadlines, but this is getting to be a problem.
• We’ve all had issues with time management, but this has become untenable.
• I know you’re trying your best, but something’s not working. What will you do to fix this?
• You probably don’t realize how often your work is late, but I know others do.
• It looks like you’re working, but when push comes to shove, you don’t deliver.
• I think I’m going to need to monitor how you are using your time.
• Talent without time management is useless.
• It’s really unfair to the others that they constantly have to cover for you.
• Most people who are unable to meet deadlines don’t keep their jobs.
• It really isn’t up to me to teach you how to use your time wisely.
• People who can’t manage their time don’t last long here.
• If this were a reality show, you would have already been voted off the island.
Harsh
• Every time you fail to deliver is just another nail in your coffin.
• How can you feel good about yourself, knowing how you let us down like this?
• Do you enjoy the sound of deadlines as they whoosh past you?
• If I were a betting man, I’d bet you were playing solitaire instead of working.
• When I say a project is due tomorrow, I don’t mean the day after tomorrow.
• Perhaps you weren’t there when punctuality and responsibility were covered in first grade.
• Will you even fail to show up on time for your exit interview?
When an Employee Spends Too Much Time Socializing
Understanding
• I’m really glad you enjoy your job, but I think it’s time to be a little more focused.
• Everyone needs a social outlet, but work shouldn’t be it.
• Everyone here obviously likes you, but I’m concerned about your work ethic.
• The social butterflies rarely get promoted. Just saying…
• Let’s take care of business and then chat later, okay?
• You are such a great, fun person, but the work needs to come first.
• The social aspect of this job is important, but I think we need to rein it in a little.
• I see great things happening for you if you just concentrate on work.
• It’s great that you all get along, but it’s time to buckle down.
• My best workers have always been the ones who were least interested in socializing.
• I think we need a little less goofing off on the job, okay?
• I can tolerate a certain amount of idle chatter, but this is going overboard.
• I know it’s important to get along with everyone, but it’s also important to get the work done.
• I think we need to institute a “no socializing” policy from 8 a.m. until closing.
• Every minute you chat, you are stealing from this company.
• You can’t complain about never getting anything done when all you do is gab.
• Please save all your interesting stories for your personal time.
• Your anecdotes are best served during happy hour.
• It’s not fair for you to take up everyone’s time with idle chatter.
• If I allowed this to continue, I’d be the one at fault.
• “Best Office Entertainer of the Year” is not a title you should aspire to.
• Someone at your level shouldn’t need to be reminded to work.
• If I added up all the hours you actually worked, I could do it on one hand.
• People who waste time rarely make it here.
Strict
• I’m just going to come out and say it: Shut your trap and get back to work.
• Let me clue you in on something: No one here cares about your stupid stories.
• I don’t know what we’d do without you here to entertain us. [sarcasm]
When an Employee Makes Too Many Personal Calls
Lax
• I make personal calls, too; just don’t get caught doing it.
• We all need to make personal phone calls; just keep it reasonable, okay?
• I tend to make personal calls only if it’s something really urgent or an emergency.
• We all want to know what’s going on at home, but you need to rein it in a bit.
• I don’t mind a few phone calls during work hours, but this is getting out of hand.
• There is a time and a place for personal calls, and this isn’t it.
• It’s best to limit your phone time to business matters only.
• It’s one thing to make a personal call or two during the day, but what you’re doing is unprofessional.
• Think of it this way: What if I spent all day on the phone? How would you feel?
• We have rules about personal calls at your desk. Maybe you should review them.
• Your making personal calls during office hours is really becoming an issue.
Strict
• If this doesn’t change, we’re going to have to institute some controls on your phone use.
• You need to work on keeping your personal life and work life separate.
• The amount of company time you spend on personal calls is way out of control.
• We’re going to dock your pay for the amount of time you spend on the phone gabbing.
• We don’t want to monitor everyone’s personal calls, but you’re forcing our hand.
• We are not paying you to chat on the phone, so knock it off.
• If you can’t manage your personal phone calls, we’ll need to revisit your employment here.
• You can make all the personal calls you want—from your home, after we fire you.
When an Employee Doesn’t Play Well With Others
Encouraging
• We all need to row in the same direction.
• I think you’ll be surprised at what you can achieve as part of a team.
• I know it’s tough, but we all need to make an effort to play well with others.
• Together, all of us will achieve more.
• We all depend on one another to succeed.
• Can you at least meet the others halfway?
• I would really encourage you to collaborate more with your teammates.
Punitive
• No one is an island here, so please try to work with your coworkers.
• We all need to make an effort to get along with one another.
• A big part of our success here is being able to work as part of a team. Can you do that?
• Coworkers can sometimes bring out the worst in you, but the onus is on you to make it work.
• You are so talented, yet so unenlightened when it comes to understanding teamwork.
• You have a great deal to learn when it comes to working with your coworkers.
• You need to be more mindful of your team mentality during business hours.
• Everyone around here tries to get along with others; I would encourage you to do the same.
• Independent behavior won’t get you far here.
• We have no room on our team for rogues or isolationists.
• There’s four corners in the sandbox, but you’re not even in the box.
• You’re brilliant, but your inability to cooperate is going to break you, here.
• Your separatism and antisocial behavior need to stop—now.
• The next time I have to remind you to play well with others will be your last.
• Either you start working well with others or you’re through, okay?
• Play nice or get the hell out.
When an Employee Wastes Time/Procrastinates
Encouraging
• Just think how good it will feel to get all this off your plate!
• You’ll be amazed at how much you can accomplish by sticking to a schedule.
• We’ve all had to learn self-discipline and the art of prioritizing.
• Would it help if we put our heads together and worked out a schedule for you?
• I know it’s difficult; just tough it out until you’re done with each project.
• Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
• You’re a great employee. Please just try to stay on task.
• Everyone suffers when someone can’t stay on target.
• You’re not just wasting your time here, unfortunately.
• Do we need to look at revising your duties or responsibilities?
• Waste not, want not—especially when it comes to time management.
• Failure to plan only means that you can plan on failing.
• There are three things you can never get back: a word after it’s spoken, a rock after it’s thrown, and time after it’s wasted.
• Wasting time in the workplace doesn’t go over well here.
• It’s exasperating being made to wait for someone to get her act together.
Punitive
• I expect everyone here to manage their time, and you are no different.
• Procrastinators like you sap the lifeblood from this company.
• Idle hands do the devil’s work.
• It’s really a shame how you fritter away all your time and talent.
• If wasting time were an Olympic sport, you’d win the gold medal.
• How is it that you can even function here?
When an Employee’s Work Is Sub-Par
Concerned
• There seems to be a disconnect between you and your work lately. What’s up?
• You seem to be having trouble keeping up. Is there anything I can do to help?
• Your work here has been suffering; talk to me about what’s going on.
• What can we do to help you bring everything back up to par?
• I know how hard it is to keep pace sometimes, but you really need to try harder.
• Is there any way you can check your own work before submitting it?
• I know you can do better than this.
• Failure to meet expectations here needs to be the exception, not the rule.
• The quality of your work here needs to be improved, and soon.
Punitive
• Do you feel comfortable handing in the quality of work that you do?
• If you looked objectively at your performance, you’d realize just how abysmal is it.
• These chronic work deficiencies need to be addressed before harsher measures are taken.
• If you don’t fix this soon, we may need to take harsher measures.
• A company of this size can’t carry dead weights like you.
• It’s not my responsibility to educate you about this stuff. I think you’d be happier elsewhere.
• I believe you’ve taken “sub-par” to a whole new level.
When an Employee Has an Attitude Problem
Concerned
• You seem really unhappy. Is there anything I can do to help?
• We all have bad days, but it’s not fair to take it out on others.
• I understand you’re feeling out of sorts, but you need to handle your emotions more effectively.
• I know it’s hard to see yourself, which is why I am bringing this to your attention.
• It’s everyone’s job to maintain a pleasant and professional work environment.
• You can only control yourself and your reactions to others/situations.
• You can make a choice to be pleasant, as we all try to do.
Punitive
• The way you’re behaving makes me think your heart has left the station.
• Your bad attitude has become really bad for morale.
• You’re bringing everyone down with your negative attitude; it needs to stop.
• No one wants to work with you, you’re so grumpy.
• You have so much to offer, but the bad moods have got to go!
• I wish your emotional intelligence and people skills matched your talent.
• Copping an attitude here will help no one, especially you.
• What’s with the attitude? Are you compensating for something?
• I think you need to take a few days off to think about how you’ve affected morale here.
• Did someone forget to take their “happy pill” this morning?
• I can’t believe you got this far with such a negative attitude.
• Stop being such a prima donna and get back to work.
• You need an attitude adjustment. Take care of it, or we’re through.
• Your attitude has become disruptive and toxic. We are going to need to let you go.
When an Employee Is Bullying or Threatening Others
Conciliatory
• Can’t we all just get along? [joking]
• There must be a reason why you’re acting this way—what’s going on?
• Gosh, you seem really upset/angry. What seems to be the problem?
• When you hurt one person, you hurt everyone.
• I don’t think you’re making the wisest choice by acting out in this manner.
• I know you’re not happy, but that’s no excuse for this kind of behavior.
• Nobody here has the right to treat another member of my team unfairly or cruelly.
• Everyone here has an obligation to act in a professional manner.
• I don’t think your behavior is helping anyone, least of all you.
• There is a time and a place for everything, except making threats to coworkers.
• You’re spreading dissention with your bullying tactics, and I don’t like it.
• You need a reality check if you think you can get away with that.
• We do not tolerate this kind of bullying behavior here—ever.
• It must be hard to get any work done when you’re constantly having to watch your own back.
• Bullies are just cowards in disguise, you know.
• Being a bully will only hurt you in the long run.
• If you really feel the need to push someone around, just try pushing me.
Punitive
• You seem to lack the self-control required to work in a professional organization.
• This is a bully-free workplace. Deal with it.
• You need to change your behavior now or get out.
• It’s time you picked on someone your own size; bring it on!
When an Employee Is Behaving Inappropriately
Concerned
• I’m sure you don’t mean any harm, but you really need to rein it in.
• I’m a little confused as to why you would be acting this way.
• I’m a bit concerned about your behavior lately. What’s going on?
• I don’t want to see you go down the wrong road; I hope you can turn this around.
• There is a point beyond which it may be impossible to repair your reputation; think about that.
• I have been receiving a lot of complaints about your behavior. Care to explain?
• I think you may need to get help, your behavior is so outrageous.
• Why do you feel the need to constantly test the boundaries of what is socially acceptable?
• Your recent behavior has been attracting a lot of negative attention; is that what you want?
• I was once immature enough to pull those kinds of stunts, but that was a long time ago.
• People like you either straighten out or get left by the wayside.
Blunt
• The more you act out, the less your coworkers will think of you.
• This sort of immaturity and inappropriateness won’t be tolerated here.
• Behaving like this is holding you back. Don’t you want to succeed?
• You’re out of control and you need to stop it now.
• No one wants to work with a jerk/weirdo, so stop acting like one.
• This isn’t a circus and I’m not the ringmaster, so don’t act like a clown.
• There is a time and a place for everything, except this kind of behavior.
• A word of advice: Straighten up and fly right, or go home.
• You’re so far over the line, you don’t even know where it is anymore.
When an Employee Always Plays the Victim
Encouraging
• I feel badly that you’re upset, but let’s try to stay positive.
• Rather than assign blame, let’s figure out how to make things better.
• Life is 10 percent what happens to you, and 90 percent how you respond.
• A big part of success involves owning up to your mistakes and learning from them.
• Nobody wants to work with someone who constantly shifts blame onto others.
• Why not focus on cleaning up your side of the street?
Dismissive
• Stop worrying so much about other people and start focusing on your work.
• It’s difficult to respect people who always try to garner pity.
• A victim mentality will never get you very far in life.
• If you do your work you won’t have to worry about what others are doing.
• When you really need help, no one will believe you.
• You’ve played the victim for so long I actually believe you think it’s true.
• I was on your side until I saw how you were milking this for all it was worth.
• I’ve seen you play the victim so often that I no longer know what to believe.
• Right, everyone’s at fault except you. [sarcasm]
• Nobody wants to hang out or work with a martyr.
• Oh, buck up!
• Quit your bitching!
When an Employee Lacks Basic Hygiene
Subtle
• Ah, those glory days of going a week without showering in college are over. [joking]
• When you look and smell good, you feel good, too; wouldn’t you agree?
• I read this great article on the best new men’s/women’s grooming products. Care to read it?
• I just love that clean, fresh, post-shower feeling, don’t you?
Blunt
• What was that old saying—cleanliness is next to godliness?
• I got a free trial size of this awesome new shower gel if you’re interested.
• I think you’ll be more comfortable if you bumped up the personal grooming a notch.
• Part of having a professional demeanor includes being well-groomed and immaculate.
• Please attend to your grooming and I promise I won’t mention this ever again.
• I would encourage you to reread the company dress code policy again.
• The company expects a sharper and more immaculate image from its associates.
• Just a reminder that I expect all team members to freshen up before showing up to work.
• I think it would be best if you went home and freshened up.
• I can’t have my employees meeting clients looking unkempt and bedraggled.
• Do you even check the mirror before you leave in the morning?
• Look—you stink, okay? Please take the time to shower every morning.
Dealing With Sycophants
Accepting
• Ah, flattery will get you nowhere! [joking]
• Look, I really appreciate all the stroking, but it’s not necessary, okay?
• Everyone loves compliments, but you’re overdoing it a bit, don’t you think?
• I appreciate the kind words, but try and stay focused on your work.
• I’m a big fan of genuine, authentic people who can speak the truth.
• I always prefer to hear the truth, even if it hurts.
• There is something inauthentic about sycophants, wouldn’t you agree?
• No one respects a toady or a yes-man, least of all me.
• Flattery can be a useful technique, but only up to a point.
• Slavish devotion is not what I am looking for in my employees.
• Resorting to flattery to get ahead is one step away from prostitution.
• My shadow is feeling jealous because you’re occupying the same space.
• You’re trying to pump me full of hot air, but it’s not going to work.
• Flattering well takes nuance and skill—skills that you do not have, unfortunately.
• Brownnosers and sycophants never make it very far here, just so you know.
• The motives for your flattery are transparent and, frankly, fairly off-putting.
Rejecting
• Honestly, I feel a bit skeeved out by your obvious toadying.
• Do you want to be seen as a person of integrity? Then stop all the falsity.
• You put the “sick” in “sycophant.”
Dealing With Gossips
Subtle
• I’d love to hear all about this, maybe some other time when we’re not so busy.
• I love a good, juicy story as much as anyone else, but not during work hours.
• Yes, enquiring minds want to know—just not on my watch.
• I’m concerned about all the gossip that’s been flying around here lately.
• Hmm, does he know that you’re talking about him this way?
• Maybe we should let that person know what you really think of her.
• All the backstabbing and trash-talking is negatively affecting morale.
• Take a moment to think about how your words are affecting everyone here.
• There is no place for gossip around here.
• When you gossip, I know you don’t take your work seriously.
• I will not allow gossip and other hurtful communications to flourish here.
• If you can’t say something to someone’s face, you shouldn’t say it at all.
Blunt
• If you can’t say anything nice, I’d recommend that you keep quiet.
• This is all TMI; please keep it to yourself next time.
• Did you know that you are seen as a old biddy, constantly up in everyone’s business?
• You won’t be here much longer if you can’t keep your hurtful stories to yourself.
• Did you know that there are legal ramifications for slander?
• Cut it out or I’ll have to cut you loose.
• Knock off the malicious gossip or I’ll have you fired.
Dealing With Complainers
Encouraging
• I know you can be a more constructive force in the workplace.
• Every problem has a solution; therein lies the real challenge.
• I understand the need to vent, as long as it doesn’t impinge on your work.
• I know it’s tough, but we all need to think on the bright side.
• We all have problems; what matters is how we deal with them.
• If you come to me with a complaint, I want to hear three possible solutions.
• Complaints are an opportunity to change for the better, but only if they are constructive.
• There’s a saying: “When you keep stirring the crap, it keeps smelling.”
Rejecting
• Complaining for its own sake, such as what you do, is an exercise in futility.
• No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer or a Ned Negativist.
• It’s natural to want to complain, but we need to keep focused on why we’re here.
• If you have a problem, I suggest you take it up with HR.
• How can one person have this many problems in life?
• You never seem happy here; maybe this job just isn’t a good fit for you.
• You need to check your negative attitude at the door.
• Whining and complaining are counterproductive and will only get you fired.
• You should start volunteering at a soup kitchen; that will put your “problems” in perspective.
• There’s really nothing I can do to help you. Maybe you should get some counseling.
Dealing With Loose Cannons
Respectful
• I love that you always speak your mind, but sometimes it’s a bit unnerving.
• Being part of a group means that we subjugate our own desires and values somewhat.
• We all need to toe the company line, and you are no different.
• I’m not asking you not to be yourself, only to go with the flow.
Rude
• Freedom of speech is guaranteed under the Constitution, but this isn’t a democracy.
• You seem to think you’re exempt from our policies and procedures. Why is that?
• It would be better if you made more of an effort to fit in here.
• Is adjusting to the company culture really that difficult?
• If you focus only on your own viewpoint, you’ll miss out on the insights of others.
• Always taking the opposing viewpoint doesn’t make you right.
• Do you really think that, or do you just enjoy playing devil’s advocate?
• Generally speaking, differences aren’t tolerated very well here.
• People with a sense of entitlement rarely make it here.
• If you want to be a trailblazer, perhaps you would be better suited to entrepreneurial work.
• I never hesitate to fire people who refuse to bend to the rules.