Part 1
Staffing and HR

A leader is a dealer in hope.

—Napoleon Bonaparte

Bringing in and acclimatizing new hires can be either your easiest or your most difficult task as a manager, depending on your industry, the available talent pool, your department’s budget, your own skills and experience, and the overall culture of your company. But there’s just no getting around it: This is an essential part of any manager’s job. Each time you meet with a candidate or a new hire, you are working with a clean slate. Even if that person has pored over your LinkedIn profile page, he or she likely has little to no idea what you are really like. So it’s important that you establish a good working relationship from the outset. Much of this will involve choosing the right words at the right time.

Once an employee has been with the company long enough, you will also need to deal with such things as performance reviews, raises, promotions, and firings. This is where your strength as a manager will really be tested, and where communicating clearly and confidently will count the most. Are you ready? Let’s begin!

How to Speak to a New Employee

Effusive

• We’re thrilled to have you on board. How can we make you feel at home?

• I can see that you’re already fitting in just great.

• Soon you’ll be just like one of the family.

• I don’t know of anyone who has fit in so quickly!

• After a couple of hours you’ll feel like an old timer, I promise.

• Great to have you working with us. Let me show you around.

• Don’t worry. We’ll show you the ropes until you feel more at home.

• It’s okay to feel overwhelmed on your first day. You’ll get over it.

• We all have to do our best to fit in here.

• Let’s make this as painless as possible, okay?

• I’m sure you’ll figure everything out on your own.

• I hope you’re not one of those know-it-alls.

• If you have any questions, let me know. Otherwise, you’re on your own.

• Try not to get yourself fired and you’ll be fine.

• Just keep your head down and don’t be a know-it-all.

• Well, you’ve certainly got a lot to learn.

• I like to throw the newbies into the deep end to see if they can swim. Don’t take it personally.

• Oh great, another new hire.

• Let me see if there is anyone I can pawn you off to.

• You’ve got some big shoes to fill. I hope you’re up for it.

• Even though you’re new, try to at least act like you’re interested.

Disinterested

• There’s an office pool going to see how soon you get fired.

• Don’t expect a lot of help from me.

• Honestly, I’d be surprised if you came back tomorrow.

• Who the heck hired you?

How to Give a Performance Review

Positive

• You should probably just run this company already.

• I have never been more comfortable reviewing anyone.

• You are the only person who could do this job, and do it so well.

• I expected nothing less from you, my star performer.

• You always over-deliver, and this time is no different.

• As always, another stellar performance review.

• I had to work really hard to find something negative to say.

• In general you did a good job, but there are a few areas that need improvement.

• You’re competent. I’m not sure what else to say.

• Something is lacking in your performance.

• There is one little problem that you still need to address.

• Don’t worry. I know you’ll do better next time.

• When you are a vanilla performer, you get a vanilla review.

Negative

• Honestly, I’m on the fence about where you are headed in this company.

• I’m really not sure what to make of your performance this year. It’s been so inconsistent.

• You’re usually so on the ball. What happened?

• I have concerns about the overall trajectory of your work here.

• You used to be a diamond in the rough, but now there’s more “rough” than “diamond.”

• Honestly, I’m no longer sure you have what it takes.

• There are so many issues with your performance, I don’t know what to address first.

• The math is simple: Poor performance equals poor review.

• I’m no longer sure you fit in here.

• If things don’t get better fast, you’ll be out by this time next year.

• If you don’t get a grip, you’ll be out by this time tomorrow.

• Once upon a time there was a good employee. But this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

• At least you’re consistent. You always let me down.

When an Employee Wants to Make a Lateral Move

Accepting

• They will be lucky to have you!

• They don’t know how good they’ll have it.

• I hear they’re already cooling the champagne in advance of your arrival.

• Well, you won’t get that promotion languishing over here.

Rejecting

• Good things come to those who wait, and your time has come.

• You’re the most qualified person for that job.

• Of course I’ll accommodate your request.

• If I were in your place I would want to move over there, too.

• I waited a long time to change jobs. Don’t make the same mistake.

• What’s taken you so long?

• No guts, no glory.

• If you weren’t ready to take that on, I would tell you.

• I guess that’s okay, but we’ll miss you over here.

• I know how things work over there. Are you sure you’re ready?

• You’d probably be better off staying where you are.

• Well, nobody’s stopping you. …

• It’s the same pay with the same level of responsibility. So why do it?

• I’m not sure I can see you filling that position, but you’re welcome to try.

• Knock yourself out, but don’t come running back here when you fail.

• I wish you all the best, but I suspect you’ll be back.

• I think you have a snowball’s chance in hell of making this work.

• I can’t believe you would abandon us like that.

• Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

• Lateral moves are for losers.

• So this is the thanks I get for hiring/training/mentoring you?

When an Employee Asks for a Deserved Raise

Enthusiastic to Begrudging

• Is there anything else you want? A company car? Parking space?

• I think you deserve much more than that.

• I can’t think of a more deserving employee.

• There’s no one who deserves this more than you.

• Well, what’s taken you so long to ask?

• You should have requested a raise a long time ago.

• I will do what I can for you, but I can’t promise anything.

• I like your initiative, but I can’t promise any more money than what you’re asking.

• Okay, but don’t let me down come crunch-time.

• You know this is going to require you to work even harder, right?

• Even with a raise, you’re still one of our best bargains.

• Okay, but don’t expect another raise come Christmas.

• Most employees wait a bit longer before asking for a raise.

• I guess so, but I’m not entirely enthusiastic about it.

• Tell me why we should give you a raise again?

• If we gave a raise to you, we’d have to elevate every other slacker that works here.

• I never thought we’d be giving raises to people like you.

• I’d better get my own raise request in first.

• Huh, you must know where all the bodies are buried.

• Who did you sleep with?

When an Employee Asks for a Undeserved Raise

Polite

• Once you’re a little more seasoned and successful, I will consider what you’re asking.

• I think you might have to wait a little longer.

• I know you have it in you, but you’ll need to work a little harder.

• I can see why you would want more money, but it’s just not in the cards right now.

• You want my advice? Improve your game and revisit this raise thing in six months.

• You’ll need to straighten up and fly right if you want to be considered for a raise.

• I’ll pretend you never asked, if you pretend you never saw the shocked disbelief on my face.

• You really don’t understand how little a company values you until you ask for a raise.

• I have to admit that I admire your chutzpah.

• Unless you can guarantee me a ROI, I can’t rationalize giving you a raise.

• I think I’ll put this request in the circular file for now.

• Just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

• Okay, tell me this: What have you done for us lately?

• Usually, people who ask for raises actually deserve them.

• Do you realize how ludicrous this request is, coming from you?

• Are you sure you want to ask me for this now?

• Perhaps if hell freezes over.

• You’re the last person here I would offer a raise.

• All I have to say to you is dream on.

Blunt

• Forget about it.

• If I were to give you a raise, I think my staff would mutiny.

• Why should I reward shoddy performance?

• You can definitely get a raise—just not here.

How to Promote an Employee

Enthusiastic

• There is no one more worthy of a promotion.

• I’m surprised I had to wait this long to promote you, you’re that good.

• With such stellar work, of course we had to promote you.

• I am certain you will continue to do great things for us.

• This is the least we could do, given your performance.

• By tomorrow you’ll be one step closer to the corner office.

• It is my honor to promote you to [position/title].

• I just wish we could have done this for you sooner.

• I am investing in you by doing this. Please make me proud.

• I see great potential in promoting you, but there is some risk, too.

• I see no reason to deny you this promotion.

• Well, the spot was open and we couldn’t think of anyone else.

• Now, don’t let this go to your head.

• Just don’t blow it.

• I’m very ambivalent about this. I hope you can cut the mustard.

Begrudging

• I’m only doing this because HR mandated it.

• I’m doing this against my better judgment.

• I guess you’ll get to practice your unique brand of ineptness in someone else’s department, now.

• I’m happy to promote you because I know it’ll get you out of my sight.

• Do the phrases “backstabbing weasel” or “ass-kissing idiot” have anything to do with this?

How to Demote an Employee

Tactful

• If you are able to accept this with calmness and equanimity, I see great potential in you.

• Nobody likes to deliver bad news, but I can’t think of any way to sweeten this.

• There’s nothing like a challenge to forge character. This is just such a challenge.

• I really like you, so this is doubly hard for me to do.

• You have such potential, it pains me to have to do this.

• I know this is hard, but someday you will thank me for the lesson learned.

• This of this as an opportunity to regain our trust and hopefully make a new start.

• I hope you will be able to regroup and stay with us for the long haul.

• Sometimes we all need a wakeup call.

• There’s no shame in taking more time to nurture your basic skills.

• My advice? Make the most of this new journey; you never know where it will take you.

Blunt

• It’s not a step backward; it’s a step toward your future, this time on firmer footing.

• Part of being great is being able to keep going after setbacks.

• Very few people enjoy an uninterrupted ride to the top.

• I hate to have to do this, but…

• Don’t you know this was difficult for me, too?

• We’re reducing your responsibilities in the hopes that you can get your act together.

• I think this will be whatever you make of it. It’s up to you.

• Show us what you can do, and in six months we’ll talk again.

• It’s just not working out here. We’ll both be better off this way.

• You’ve really given me no choice, given your shoddy performance.

• You really should have seen this coming.

• Did you not see the handwriting on the wall?

• Would you prefer I fire you?

• The next step is termination, so consider this a final warning.

How to Fire Someone

Empathic to Blunt

• I feel terrible, but I am going to have to let you go.

• There is no easy way to say “you’re fired,” but hopefully the severance will help.

• I hate this part of my job, but I just don’t think it’s working out.

• It’s difficult to for me to say this, and even more difficult for you to hear, I’m sure.

• Let me know if I can help your job search in any way.

• I am very sorry, but this is no longer working out.

• I regret to inform you that we have to let you go.

• Please do not take this personally. It was a business decision.

• I think it’s best if we both go our separate ways.

• Management has determined that you no longer have a place here.

• I have no choice but to terminate you.

• There is no reason to sugarcoat this: You’re fired.

• Hiring you was one of our biggest mistakes.

• It’s probably best if you just left the premises right now.

• It appears that you’ve overstayed your welcome.

• I’m surprised no one fired you sooner.

• You’re outta here.

• Two words: get out.

When an Employee Quits

Concillatory to Punitive

• Please don’t leave! You’re irreplaceable.

• Is there anything I can say or do that will make you stay?

• I understand your reasons, but I’m very sorry to see you go.

• How will we ever replace you?

• I’m not sure what we’re going to do without you.

• I really hope we can find someone to replace you.

• I truly wish you well in all your future endeavors.

• I feel terrible that it didn’t work out.

• This is not how I envisioned this working out.

• Oh well, at least we tried.

• I was kind of expecting this, actually.

• Forgive me. I don’t take this news too well.

• We’ll adjust without you, I’m sure.

• No worries. It’s not like you’re irreplaceable.

• We’ll find someone as good as if not better than you, I’m sure.

• Honestly, I think we’re both better off this way.

• Good luck to you. You’re gonna need it.

• I never knew what I’d say when this happened, but now I do: “Take a hike.”

• It’s your funeral.

• Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

• We actually began training your replacement a month ago.

• You just made my day.

When an Employee Wants Time Off

Amenable

• Please take as much time as you need.

• Of course—you deserve it.

• We all need to take time off once in a while. Sure, you can go.

• I don’t see any problem with that.

• I guess that’s okay. How much time were you needing?

• There’s no reason you shouldn’t ask, and no reason I shouldn’t grant it.

• Well, do what you think is best.

• Do you really think that’s the best idea right now?

• We’d all like a little time off, but do you think that’s a good idea?

• It’s just not possible at the moment, I’m afraid.

• We all need to buckle down and think realistically during these tough times.

• If it were up to me, I would give you all the time you needed—but it’s not.

• I wish I could help you out, but times are tough right now.

• I feel your pain, but this is one of those times you need to take one for the team.

• When the rest of us are able to take a break, so will you.

• If I were to give you time off, I’d have to give it to everyone else, too.

• Sorry, this is crunch time; you’ll have plenty of time to take off later.

• I was counting on you to be here.

• I’m going to have to deny your time off request.

Unwilling

• Your personal desires don’t take precedence here.

• Give me one good reason why I should grant you this request.

• We’ll have to revisit this another time.

• There’s nothing that could convince me to say yes.

• If I gave you a vacation right now, I’d have to make it permanent.

• There’s no way I’m granting you vacation time. You need to earn it first.

• You’ll have to pry your vacation approval from my cold, dead fingers.

• I am not about to jeopardize this company simply because you need your beauty rest.

• Hell no.