Part 3
Feedback and Discipline
There are three classes of people: those who see, those who see when they are shown, and those who do not see.
—Leonardo Da Vinci
Let’s be honest—you probably tend to come down on one of two sides when it comes to this aspect of your job: You either love it or you hate it! You’re either a results-oriented taskmaster who loves to wield control (either subtly or overtly), or you’re a kind-hearted idealist who wants to encourage and inspire at every turn. Might there be a more comfortable middle ground available to you, as well? The good news is that there is. You don’t need to sacrifice your authority and power to motivate your employees and treat them like human beings, nor do you have to act like a dictator to keep order and achieve results.
That said, there is a time for everything. Sometimes you will be required to lower the boom on someone who is really taking advantage, and sometimes you will need to soften your approach when you are dealing with a fragile person.
Read on to find out how to strike the perfect balance each and every time.
How to Open a Difficult Conversation
Conciliatory
• I’m glad we can talk to each other so openly. By the way, do you have a moment? There are a few things I need to get off my chest.
• It’s always good to be able to bounce things off of other people.
• I can’t remember the last time we had a good chat; is this a good time for you?
• Is this a good time to talk? There are a few things I want to go over with you.
• I know it’s hard to talk to your boss about stuff, but just think of me as a friend.
• There’s something that’s been bothering me that I would like your input on.
• This is a difficult conversation for me, so please bear with me as I gather my thoughts.
• I need to speak with you about something; please feel free to speak your mind, as well.
• I think we need to talk. Please get back to me with a time that is convenient for you.
• I think it’s best if we just speak frankly to one another. Wouldn’t you agree?
• I’m at a loss as to what to do about this. Perhaps you have some ideas?
• We have a problem, and you’re going to need to suggest some solutions.
• You obviously have a problem, and I’d like you to tell me what you think it is.
• We all need to have difficult conversations at some point, and this is one of those times.
• Can I have a word with you in private? We need to talk.
• It’s critical that we talk about something ASAP.
Blunt
• I think we have a problem. Please step into my office.
• I’m just going to come out and say it: We need to talk. Now.
• In my office, five minutes.
• I am going to talk, and you are going to listen, okay?
How to Express a Specific Concern
Polite
• Forgive me, but could we discuss this further? I just want to put my mind at rest.
• There’s just one thing that’s bothering me about this.…
• I have a concern that I would like to voice, if that is okay with you/everyone.
• I do have some reservations. When can we talk about this?
• This gives me pause, and here is why. …
• You know, it seems like there could be a potential problem here.
• No one seems to want to talk about this, but I think we need to.
• Nobody here should feel afraid to voice their concerns. For example…
• Let’s revisit this for a moment. I’m sure I’m not the only one with doubts.
• I’d like to put everything out on the table, okay?
• Ignoring a problem will only make it worse, don’t you agree?
Rude
• I think we need to look at this issue objectively and rationally.
• The unanimity has me a bit concerned: Where are the dissenting voices?
• I think we need to discuss this until everyone’s concerns are resolved.
• I think we need to face reality: This is a problem.
• Can we at least agree that there is a problem?
• Am I the only person who is concerned?
• May I ask you why you think this is okay?
• Did you really have no idea that this could be problematic?
• There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.
• This is crazy!
How to Give Unsolicited Advice
Gentle
• May I offer my opinion? I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.
• I know I tend to stick my nose into places when I don’t need to. [joking]
• I know nobody asked, but I’d like to weigh on this if that’s okay.
• Advice is worth about what you pay for it, but hope that you’d at least consider my input.
• Perhaps you’d like to hear my perspective on the situation?
• You look like you could use a sounding board. Is that true?
Directive
• Have you considered asking a neutral outsider for his opinion?
• I know you’re not in the mood to listen to advice right now, but please hear me out.
• I can understand why you wouldn’t want to hear this, but I simply cannot remain silent.
• No one wants to receive unsolicited input, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t say anything.
• No one is asking me to get involved, but I can’t keep quiet any longer.
• Everyone needs help now and then; don’t be too proud to ask for it.
• There is wisdom in the counsel of many.
• No man is an island, and this is doubly true for you.
• You obviously need help, and I’m just the person for the job.
• You’ll regret it if you don’t listen to what I have to say.
• You’re clearly not ready to listen, but I’m going to tell you what I think anyway.
• I think you’ll regret it if you don’t at least consider my opinion.
• You discount the opinions of others at your peril.
• So, since when do you know everything?
How to Address Underperformance
Delicate
• I’ve noticed that you’re having a tough time at work. Is there any way I can help?
• You seem a bit out of your depth lately. Are you having trouble with something specific?
• You seem a bit, well, off your game lately. Is something wrong?
• There’s a lot more to you than what I’ve been seeing lately. What gives?
• You seem to be floundering a bit lately. What’s going on?
• You are letting your teammates down. Did you know that?
• I know I’ve certainly gone through dry spells at work. How are you doing?
• Your work has been slipping lately. Is there something wrong?
• You don’t seem to have your act together. What’s going on?
• Your underperforming is cheating everyone, not just yourself.
• We need to discuss your underperformance. What’s the story?
• You’ve been underperforming, and we need to address it before it becomes a problem.
• The higher-ups have been noticing your lack of productivity.
• You may not care how your performance is affecting others, but I do.
• We all depend on one another here, but you’re no longer doing your part.
• Everyone has been contributing here lately except you.
Blunt
• A company can’t survive constantly covering for a worker who is a dead weight.
• If I were you, I’d be worried about keeping my job at this point.
• If you don’t shape up, you’ll need to ship out, I’m afraid.
• It’s really simple: You either fix this or you’re fired.
How to Ask to Speak With an Employee Privately
Delicate
• Whenever I need to have a serious discussion, it just makes sense to do it in private.
• When you have a moment, I’d like to have a word with you in private.
• I like to play my cards close to my chest. Let’s take this somewhere private.
• This is the kind of discussion that is best had behind closed doors.
• We really need to keep this entre nous, okay?
• There is something of some importance I need to speak with you about in private.
• Let’s discuss this in a room/office where we can have some privacy.
• Can we talk—I mean in private?
• I think it’s best that we meet away from prying eyes and ears.
• There’s no sense in blabbing about this in front of everyone, right?
• Some things are just better kept confidential.
Blunt
• I need to speak briefly with you in private.
• I must have a private word with you about something.
• Confidentiality is important when discussing matters such as these.
• Unless you’re interested in broadcasting this to the world, let’s meet in private.
• The only way I will discuss this with you is behind closed doors.
• Loose lips sink ships.
How to Provide Constructive Criticism
Gentle
• Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I see room for improvement.
• Your work here is very good overall, but I think you can bring it to an even higher level.
• Let’s start this off on a positive note. Here’s what you are doing well. …
• Nobody’s perfect, although you’re pretty close!
• I know you are capable of great things here, if you just tie up these loose ends.
• You’re a great employee, but there is always room for improvement, right?
• I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it was intended—with caring for you as an employee—and a person.
• I appreciate getting honest feedback on my work, so I want to provide that to you, too.
• I know it’s difficult to receive feedback, but the benefits far outweigh the temporary discomfort.
Blunt
• Are you open to feedback? I want to have your buy-in on the front end.
• To profit from feedback, you need to be open to it; are you?
• Most people don’t like criticism, but you’ll need to get used to it if you want to do well here.
• Everyone benefits from being critiqued, even you.
• No one is perfect, and you’re no exception.
• I’m just going to be blunt here and tell you where you really need to improve.
• Let’s face it: Your performance in this particular area has been sorely lacking.
• I have serious concerns about your performance. What do you plan on doing to correct this?
• I’d like to help you, but I don’t even know where to start.
• How long will the critique session last? Well, how much time you have?
How to Discipline or Punish a Valued Employee
Empathic
• I think we can look at this as an opportunity for growth and learning.
• It’s when we fail and make mistakes that we grow the most.
• I hate this part of my job, but I would be remiss if I didn’t address this.
• It pains me to do this, but you are worth disciplining.
• If you weren’t such a valuable employee, I wouldn’t even bother discussing this.
• If I didn’t set an example by punishing you, there would be chaos here.
• This will hurt me more than it hurts you.
• I look forward to seeing you learn and grow from this challenge.
• I certainly never thought I’d be sitting here with you.
• We all make mistakes, me included, and you are no different.
• Anyone can take a wrong turn, so I’ll just let you off with a warning.
• You’ve always been a good worker, but this wrong must be righted.
• I hate to have to do this, but…
• Clean up your act and I’m sure it won’t happen again.
• The punishment must fit the crime.
• There’s no way around it, I’m afraid.
• What do you think would be fair? You know, since you’re the one who messed up.
• Given the magnitude of what transpired, I have to impose some kind of penalty.
• You made a mistake and unfortunately you will need to pay.
• The future is up to you. I hope you handle this in the right way.
• You’re digging your own hole here.
• Disciplining employees is not something I enjoy, but you deserve it this time.
• Consider this a learning experience—one that you ignore at your peril.
Harsh
• Unfortunately I’m going to have to take you down a peg or two.
• I’m going to need to lower the boom on you.
• You screwed up, so you’re the one who will have to absorb the cost.
• One more of these incidents and I’ll have to re-think your employment here.
How to Express Disappointment
Kind
• I am disappointed, but I know you will make things right.
• Sure, I feel let down, but I’m more interested in how you feel about this.
• Yes, this is tough, but let’s think of this as a fresh start, okay?
• If I feel let down it’s because I have such high regard for you.
• I feel that I have failed you by not addressing this sooner.
• Despite my disappointment, I have every reason to believe that you will make this right.
• Although I am disappointed, I know you will do better next time.
• We all disappoint others from time to time. I’ll get over it.
• Yes, I feel let down, but there are things you can do to make it right.
• You always over-deliver; what happened this time?
• You’ve got to fly straight or else you’ll crash on landing.
• You’re going to have to figure out how to get back into my good graces.
Harsh
• You let me down, and honestly I’m not sure what you can do to make it right.
• Honestly I’m not sure what kind of compensation would be enough.
• I’m not sure if there is a path to redemption, after what you’ve done.
• I’m so disappointed, I don’t even know what to say to you.
• What do you have to say for yourself?
• There is simply no excuse for what you’ve done, here.
• Maybe it’s time you found someone else to disappoint.
How to Express Anger
Restrained
• My emotions should not be our focus right now.
• Although I am upset and angry, that’s not what I want to focus on.
• Yes, I am angry, but the main thing is that we find a solution.
• Although I am angry, indulging my feelings and expressing them will get us nowhere.
• While I am angry, I don’t think it’s productive to address that right now.
• Instead of getting angry, I’m going to count to 10 and try to calm down.
• I’m not gonna lie: I’m pretty pissed right now.
• I’m right on the verge of losing it. Can’t you see that?
Demonstrative
• I think we need to take a timeout and return to this when we can both discuss things rationally.
• You are fortunate that I have such self-control.
• You can’t negotiate emotions, you know!
• I have every right to be upset right now!
• I admit it: I’m angry.
• Do I look like I’m happy right now? [sarcasm]
• I’m so angry at you, I don’t even know what to say to you anymore!
• If you are interested in saving your hide, you’d better have your desk cleaned out by the time I get back.
• I have nothing but contempt for you right now.
• I’m trying figure out why I shouldn’t tear you a new one right now.
Machiavellian Tactics
Covert
• I’ve got your best interests at heart; you can count on me.
• We think of this place as one big family.
• Loyalty is really the most important thing here.
• If we can’t trust one another, what do we have?
• Trust me, I am looking out for your best interest.
• You shouldn’t trust anyone around here.
• Don’t you trust us?
• If you say so.
• So you say.
• Really?
• I would have expected better from you.
• Huh—I thought you knew better than that.
• Are you really sure you want to do that?
• Can’t you see I’m just trying to help you?
• Are you saying that I’m not on your side?
• I think you may the one with the issues here.
• I’m not saying you shouldn’t be worried.
• If I didn’t care, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
• I’m just trying to help you understand how it is around here.
• Things would go a lot more smoothly for you here if you just took my advice.
• You do what you do, you get what you get.
• You reap what you sow, is all I’m saying.
• You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.
• Just think of it as collateral damage.
• I’m just saying to not be surprised when you see how things turn out.
• Trust me, you don’t want to go that route.
• Things will not go well for you if that’s your final decision.
• I think you should think long and hard before moving forward.
• It’s not a good idea to get on anyone’s bad side here.
• Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
• That wouldn’t be a very healthy choice for you right now.
Overt
• By the way, did you hear about what happened the person who preceded you?
• I’m not sure what your problem is, given how much we do for you here.
• After all I’ve done for you?
• Forewarned is forearmed: I’m an equal opportunity bastard.
• Now that you see what I’ve done for you, how are you going to help me?