CHAPTER 8
WHAT’S YOUR TYPE?
If two people on the job agree all the time, then one is useless. If they disagree all the time, then both are useless.
—Dale Carnegie
In order to manage conflict in the workplace, it is important to be able to understand and adjust to the situation. What is the source of the tension? How do the people involved in the conflict (including you) respond to conflict?
Each of us has a conflict style preference. As Mitchell and Gamlem say in The Big Book of HR:
There are five recognized modes for dealing with conflict that describe an individual’s behavior along two basic dimensions: (1) assertiveness, the extent to which the person attempts to satisfy his own concerns, and (2) cooperativeness, the extent to which the person attempts to satisfy the other person’s concerns.
Competing—attacks and likes to argue and debate. This type is competitive, assertive, and uncooperative, and can be threatening and intimidating, causing others to give in to avoid the argument. The competing type takes the stance of “win or lose,” often pursuing his/her own concerns, at the other person’s expense. Competing means “standing up for your rights,” defending a position you believe is correct, or simply trying to win.
Accommodating is unassertive and cooperative, and is the complete opposite of competing. When accommodating, the individual neglects his/her own concerns because of high levels of concern about others. This type needs to please and be liked by others. Accommodating might take the form of yielding to another’s point of view, or giving in during disagreements even when he/she believes his/her ideas are better.
Avoiding is unassertive and uncooperative; this person neither pursues his/her own concerns nor those of the other individual. This type will not commit and is unsure where he/she stands on issues. Often, he/she conceals his/her interests until a better time, or simply withdraws from a threatening situation.
Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative—the complete opposite of avoiding, takes a win-win stance, and involves an attempt to work with others to find some solution that fully satisfies his/her concerns. This style approaches conflict with skill and balance, understands the value of positive conflict, and often acts as a mediator. Collaborating means exploring the issues and working to find a creative solution.
Compromising is moderate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness. The objective is to find some expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties. It falls between competing and accommodating. Compromise gives up more than competing but less than accommodating. Likewise, it addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but does not explore it in as much depth as collaborating. This type is intimidated by direct confrontation and will look to gain consensus or seek a quick middle-ground solution.
Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling modes. None of us can be characterized as having a single style of dealing with conflict. But certain people use some modes better than others and, therefore, tend to rely on those modes more heavily than others—whether because of temperament or practice.1
Marina loves the give and take of a good argument. Any time she can feel as if she is the winner and someone else is the loser, she is a happy employee. She was on the debate team in college and learned all the techniques of rebutting the position or argument of the other person involved in the conflict. She will avoid at all costs doing what she considers “giving in” to the point of the other person or people involved. Others on the team find her intimidating and sometimes even threatening. Her conflict style is competing.
Jackson is what is commonly called a “people pleaser.” He wants everyone to like him, so he bends over backward to do whatever it takes to have peace and harmony on the team. He is concerned about never doing anything that might hurt someone else’s feelings, so he doesn’t let anyone know how he really feels about the issues during a conflict. He would rather give in to someone else on the team so as not to upset them, even if he is pretty sure he has a better idea than the one they’ve presented. Jackson is loved by all because he makes sure everyone else wins in conflicts. He is especially popular with people like Marina who have to win no matter what! His style is accommodating.
Leeann runs as fast as she can when she sees a conflict coming—be it on the team or with her manager or her family. Because she won’t enter a conflict, no one else in the department knows where she stands or how she really feels. She hides her feelings and her positions on issues so that no one will want to engage her in a discussion or a debate. Even when she is asked for an opinion, she hedges, saying things like, “I really don’t have an opinion on that.” Leeann is extremely uncomfortable with Marina and others who have her competing style, but loves to work with people like Jackson who won’t ever try to find out what she really thinks. Her style is avoiding.
Dev often plays the role of mediator or peacekeeper on the team or in the department because he understands that conflict can be valuable and move the team or work group forward. He is a good listener and practices the active listening principles outlined in Chapter 5 of this book. Dev recognizes the conflict style of others and is able to use that knowledge to bring people together. He is very self-aware and has a high degree of emotional intelligence; therefore, he is able to manage his emotions. Even Marina works well with Dev because she knows he understands her need to win while helping her see the big picture. Dev is the one people go to when they want to resolve conflict. His style is collaborating.
Walter doesn’t like direct confrontations. He would rather work behind the scenes to find out how others feel. He has a strong need to think things through before getting involved in the issues. He is really good at building consensus because he has solicited opinions from others before helping the team or the department to reach the “middle ground.” Marina, Jackson, Leeann, and Dev can all work with Walter and he is most helpful in building consensus. His style is compromising.
Understanding Your Style
As Lynne Eisaguirre writes in The Power of a Good Fight, “It is important to realize that none of these styles are right or wrong. They are simply examples of style. The key is to try and increase the different styles we want to use to skillfully resolve conflict, solve problems more creatively, and prepare more effectively for the future.”2
Understanding your own preferred conflict style and the preferred conflict style of others can really help take some emotion and some personalization out of the conflict. When we understand conflict styles, we hopefully will stop thinking in terms of “I’m right and he’s wrong,” and take the actions of others less personally. Then we can use the energy we’d normally waste on trying to figure them out to creatively resolve the underlying issues of the dispute. We can also consciously choose to use a different conflict style when the situation demands it, but it takes practice to use a style that perhaps isn’t as comfortable for you as your preferred style. However, you can learn to use different styles effectively and it is worth it to try!
Here are some ideas for you to consider once you know your own preferred conflict style in order to maximize your effectiveness when dealing with conflict.
If your preferred style is competing, you probably consider yourself to be courageous. So, if you truly are courageous, do you have the ability to reveal the underlying fear or hurt to the person with whom you are in conflict? If you do, you may be really surprised and pleased to find better ways to communicate that will help you to embrace conflict rather than attacking it. You may find you are able to use the energy you once spent on being confrontational to work collaboratively. As a result, conflict is transformed to creativity. So, when conflict arises:
Stop, breathe, and count to 10.
Try to understand the underlying fear or feelings of the other(s).
Ask yourself:
What am I afraid of here?
What am I afraid of losing or what losses have I already suffered?
Am I feeling hurt or is what’s happening that is reminding me of past hurts?
Write down all your thoughts about the issue once you’ve identified your fears/hurts and then ask:
Is this the best way to come to agreement?
Am I willing to use this conflict to spark creativity rather than indulging in my need to run over others’ interests?
Can I learn to engage in creative dialogue rather than a win/lose debate?
Will what I’m doing alleviate my fear?
Learn to appreciate how others approach conflict.
If your conflict style is accommodating, you need to be aware that taking care of yourself is a key because you are highly susceptible to burnout. Remember what the flight attendants say at the beginning of every flight: “In case of a sudden drop in altitude, oxygen masks will fall from above your head. Put your own mask on first before helping others.” This simply means that you can’t be everything to everyone—you have to take care of yourself! This is not selfish; it is just good common sense. So, when conflict occurs:
Monitor your reactions to be sure you are doing what you want to do.
Learn to reveal who you really are.
Ask for what you need. If you can’t take this step, you won’t be able to creatively embrace the conflict.
Don’t think you have to be cheerful all the time unless this is how you really feel.
Honor your own needs rather than just trying to please others.
Learn to actively participate in the process of innovative dialogue.
Learn to appreciate how others approach conflict.
If your conflict style is avoiding, you may constantly wonder how you manage to attract so many angry, resentful, sad, or worried people. Here’s why: they are simply expressing the emotions you won’t own. You need to acknowledge that your preferred conflict style is to avoid it and you need to consciously consider, as Dr. Phil says, “How’s this working for you?”
When conflict comes up:
Start appropriately revealing your own feelings.
Find ways to express how you feel.
Learn to value conflict.
Learn to appreciate how others approach conflict.
Learn to manage your own emotions so that you can sustain your own participation in the messy process of working through a conflict.
Learn to use conflict creatively instead of feeling abused by its very existence.
If your conflict style is compromising, you need to try to develop the ability to act on your convictions; be courageous and:
Value the conflict and recognize its creative potential.
Find a way to skillfully communicate your needs and interests.
Find a way to talk with the people involved in the issue.
Learn how to talk to people directly.
Consider what your role is in the situation and how you can have impact.
If your conflict style is collaborating, you need to recognize your value and your strengths when conflict occurs in your workplace and:
Offer to mediate when conflicts come up in your workplace.
Continue to hone your listening skills and your ability to control your emotions.
Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling modes. None of us can be characterized as having a single style of dealing with conflict. But, certain people use some modes better than others and, therefore, tend to rely on those modes more heavily than others whether because of temperament or practice.3
Appendix: Discovering Your Conflict Style
Working With Other Styles
Now that you understand your own preferred style of dealing with conflict, it will be helpful to try to understand the people you work with and how they approach conflict. Although it’s probably not a great idea to just ask them, if you listen carefully and observe your coworkers, you will probably be able to get a pretty good idea of their conflict mode. Once you’re armed with that knowledge (and remember: Just like you, other people may use different conflict modes at different times), here are some ideas of how you can work successfully with a person using that particular conflict style or mode:
If you’re working with someone whose style preference is competing, take time to allow them to vent. You will want to be gracious while doing your best to discover what they fear. This is a good place for you to use the reflective listening skills you learned in Chapter 5. And don’t forget that humor may go a long way in getting a competing person to relax and then be able to resolve the conflict.
If you’re working with someone whose style preference is avoiding, you will need to be direct and patient while you work to understand their position. You will need to be supportive and allow that person to feel as if they can confront you with their issue.
If you’re working with someone whose style preference is compromising, the active listening skills you learned in Chapter 5 will be useful as you work to create a supportive environment where the person will feel comfortable. Try describing the impact of their behavior on the situation and allow them to feel as if they can confront you with the issue.
If you’re working with someone who is accommodating, you need to try and get them to open up on how they are feeling and what they fear. You need to monitor their energy level because they are susceptible to burnout. Your role is to solicit their input and their feedback, as they probably won’t offer it willingly.
If you’re working with someone whose style preference is collaborating, you and others in your work group will probably learn early on to depend on them in conflict situations because they are skilled at resolving whatever comes up. Watch and learn from them in order to enhance your own abilities to deal with conflict.
In conclusion, why is it so important to understand our own conflict style preference and the style preferences of those around us? Different styles lead to different approaches to how we relate to others and how we work together. These style preferences aren’t perfect or always accurate, but can be helpful as you work with others in your organization to resolve the conflicts that arise just because we’re human beings who think and act differently.
Essential Tips
Each of us has a conflict style preference; learn to understand yours and the preferred style of others you work with.
Each style has its strengths and weaknesses.
Learn to use the most effective style for the situation.