Minimizing Threats and Maximizing Rewards
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
—Publilius Syrus
Threats to Self
Besides perception biases, other situational elements can quickly cloud an otherwise clear Outlook and sabotage your success.
Most MTMs will instinctively be perceived as threats. After all, you stand to lose something if they do not go well. Mindfulness of the impact of your MTM helps unravel these threats and their patterns, so you can diminish their control.
Let us better understand threats and how they challenge your Outlook.
Fight, Flee, or Freeze
Organizations have sprung up to train people what to do in an “active shooter” scenario. These sessions teach us that when confronted with a life or death situation, people respond in one of three ways: fight, flee, or freeze:
• They fight violence with violence.
• They flee from violence.
• They freeze when confronted with violence, becoming a human “deer in the headlights.”
Thankfully, you probably do not routinely face threats from an active shooter. But you do encounter threats routinely.
Two main types of threats exist: physical and social. Let us explore how fight, flee, or freeze can influence your response in each.
Threat #1: Physical—How Do You Respond?
What is your natural tendency? Think about how you would react if an active physical threat walked into your building. Would you charge and tackle the invader? Would you seek shelter? Or would you stand still, trying to blend into the background?
No response is inherently wrong (well, some might be against your organization’s policy!). But some will serve you better than others, depending upon the situation.
Wildlife survival experts recommend that your best strategy against a shark attack is to fight back, going for the eyes. Those same experts suggest you remain very still if confronted by a bull, because bulls have bad eyesight. Different animal, different solution.
By knowing your natural tendency, you can increase your survival rate. Your natural response protects you from danger. It is often instantaneous and unplanned. But does it serve you? That depends…
The good news is that unless you are in the military, a game warden, or a first responder, you probably work relatively free of physical threats. At the very least, you will not typically need to use violence or physically run from danger at work. Not only do you not need to react this strongly, but your natural threat response could cause more harm than good—to yourself, others, and likely the outcome of the MTM.
Threat #2: Social—How Do You Respond?
The bad news is that even though you seldom need to physically fight or flee to be safe, your brain still goes on red alert, as if you are experiencing a physical threat.
What could possibly threaten you at work to the point where you are tempted to fight, flee, or freeze? This time, we are not talking about a physical threat; instead, you likely encounter social threats.
Have you ever
• felt like you were losing control of a situation?
• feared you were perceived as incompetent?
• worried that you did not fit in with your peers?
• been troubled that others saw you in a negative light?
If these sound familiar, you have felt threatened. The most common threats from childhood to the grave are social threats.
Scott: Bathroom Bullies
The most memorable, scarring social threat of my life took place on my first day of first grade. All of the boys lined up outside the bathroom waiting for an open urinal. When it was my turn, I went in and did exactly what my mother taught me: unbuckled and unzipped my pants, pulled my pants and underpants down to my shoes, and proceeded to relieve myself. My “relief” was short-lived. The class bully, Willy James (of course I still remember his name!), came into the bathroom and immediately yelled out, “Hey! I can see that kid’s ass!”
Thanks, Mom, I reflected. I am the only boy in first grade who does not even know how to pee! Thanks to the shaming I took on that day, I have since learned a less “I’m-bare-ass-ing” way to do my business. That social threat I experienced nearly 50 years ago forever changed my behavior!
Recently, neuroscience has shown that social and physical threats activate the same centers within the brain. Just like in physical threats, in the face of social threats, your brain processes these threats to help you
• fight (argue or debate your point),
• flight (avoid the person or situation), or
• freeze (disengage from the argument by shutting up).
Additionally, some respond a fourth way: appease (they make nice by simply acquiescing, even if they do not actually agree).
Do you see the potential for harm? If your brain reacts the same way to social threats as life-threatening, you tend to overreact—the emotional equivalent of killing a mosquito with a nuclear warhead.
The negative emotions, caused by social threats, that show up when you feel threatened can cloud your Outlook and inhibit your ability to accurately:
• Perceive situations
• Solve problems
• Make decisions
• Manage stress
• Collaborate and play nice with others
These are all critical strategies to navigating MTMs.
Worse yet, when you feel threatened and react (or overreact) in your MTMs, you often are not even aware that these reflexive emotions are triggered until it’s too late. Your lens, or Outlook, is cloudy. Your emotions become hijacked, and your reactive behaviors are usually counterproductive.
Refer to your situations in Chapter 1 where you did not always Get It Right—or which you are navigating today. Take five minutes to write a couple of these problems where you got it wrong, why it went wrong, and what outcome you experienced:
What was your initial reaction? Would your reaction in these MTMs best be categorized as one of fight, flight, or flee?
Table 5.1 MTM outcomes
MTM that went wrong |
Why it went wrong |
Outcome experienced |
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Tony’s Lone Networking
When I left my vice president (VP) role at a leading research institute to write this book and start my own leadership consulting practice, I experienced new threats and avoidance tactics. Here is one example.
A business acquaintance at a successful consulting firm invited me to a networking event, an ideal chance to build my relationships with local organizations. What could be better? Except, I really did not like networking, and I felt uncomfortable selling myself. My entire professional life, I had strived to be appreciated for my value provided, versus having to tell others what value I could or did provide.
The night before the event, I actively looked for reasons not to go. Full of dread, I even reached back to my friend to remind him that I was no longer in my VP role and double check that he still wanted me there. He did not let me off the hook when he replied that they would still love for me to attend.
In short, my friend handed me an opportunity, but all I could focus on were my fears—like why I may flop or how others may judge me.
I felt threatened.
My Outlook about my MTM—to avoid the event—could undermine my success in building my network. If left unchecked, these insecurities could seriously handicap my new business.
Have you ever wondered, “What the hell is happening to me? Why am I sabotaging my own success? Why am I having these feelings?” Let’s explore.
Your Brain on Threats—and Rewards
Your brain is a powerful, complex tool capable of amazing calculations. Even so, your brain likes to place thoughts into tidy, predefined compartments. Maybe that is why your brain very quickly assesses situations around two primary buckets to help you know what behaviors may be required.
On the simplest level, your mind works tirelessly to
• minimize threats and
• maximize rewards.
The region in your brain called the amygdala helps you spot threats and take immediate action. When you are looking for a seat in a restaurant, your amygdala steers you away from a table of colicky babies or loud talkers (if you value peace and quiet). It also helps you steer your car away from oncoming traffic before the rational parts of your brain even identify the danger.
Each time you walk into a meeting, your mind almost unconsciously notices all the nuances: who is there, how the participants respond to your greetings, who is sitting next to one another, what is the conversation around the table, what chairs are open, and what kind of donuts are left. Your mind continually assesses all this information and makes a judgment about which are perceived as threats to your interests.
Perhaps a hanger-on from your evolutionary drive to survive, your brain processes threats more quickly than rewards, which serves you well in physical danger. If you have a lion stalking you, you are not likely to decide it’s a good time to eat a delicious lunch on a nearby rock as you enjoy the scenery or listen to a voicemail from your peer on a project. Doing so would bring certain death!
Your brain’s wiring still reflects the ancient need to survive life and death situations. Because it’s hyper alert to threats, it takes longer to process rewards. Being attacked by a wild animal requires an immediate response, but savoring a compliment from your colleague can wait until you get home—or even be dismissed altogether without killing you. Rewards are thereby classified as less important by your brain.
And the memory of rewards fades faster than the memory of threats. You probably remember the time you got in a car accident or had a nearmiss better than the time a person let you merge into traffic when you found yourself in the wrong lane. The memory of threat makes you more cautious in similar situations, preserving your survival. It is as if those memories are put in a prominent file where you can easily access them.
Your reactions are also influenced by your past, particularly your early childhood. As your brain and personality developed, you responded to cues in your environment to survive. When you did not get what you needed, you changed your behaviors until you did. Even the most well-intended caregivers cannot succeed 100 percent of the time in providing everything a child needs to feel secure. So, even if you received plenty of reinforcement, you undoubtedly experienced some defining moments that altered your behavior in some way that no longer suits you. (As we have suggested, a counselor or coach can help you examine your upbringing to recognize patterns that no longer serve you.)
Let us explore how we file past experiences. Reflect on these situations, and then answer the question that follows each:
• Think of a time when someone went out of their way to be kind to you in elementary or high school. How did you feel?
• Think of a time someone went out of their way to be unkind to you in elementary or high school. How did you feel?
Which memory took less time to recall? Which memory appeared more vivid in your mind? Which memory had a more lasting impact on you?
Negativity Bias
Research shows the vast majority of people remember times when someone acted in an unkind way but dismiss incidents of kindness. Why? When you feel threatened, your brain goes on red alert, heightening memories for longer and more visual ways. Which is why Scott can still remember the stupid smirk on Willy James’s face on that shame-filled day in first grade nearly 50 years later!
While negative experiences are part of life, most of us are not wired to handle those events well. Psychologists Roy Baumeister and Ellen Bratslavsky concluded it takes our brains experiencing five positive events to make up for the psychological effect of just one negative event (Baumeister et al. 2001).
Eventually, your reactions can become habits that cement your Outlook. For example, if you were consistently told you did not sing well, you might eventually merely lip synch until you go silent altogether. While this might not affect your career, how about being told in third grade that you do not speak well in public? If you do not unravel this threat, you could avoid all public speaking opportunities—affecting you well into adulthood and even changing your career course.
What reactions or assumptions no longer serve you?
Figure 5.1 shows the three main drivers of human behavior.
We all experience the same foundational drivers for social motivation, and when these drivers are negatively impacted, they also become primary drivers for social threat.
These primary human drivers of behavior are rooted in your most basic social needs. Specifically, according to the ARC model, you need to feel Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence (ARC) (Ryan and Deci 2000). These are such powerful drivers that you seek their rewards, and when you receive them, Your Best Self flourishes. Conversely, you act strongly to avoid the threat of losing them, and when you do, your reactive Worst Self likely comes out to play.
Knowing your ARC drivers and emotional triggers throughout your MTMs allows you to respond instead of react. Let us explore how ARC can motivate or threaten.
Autonomy
People need to feel ownership and self-direction in their behavior and work.
Think about this in your personal life. If you want to look good in that beach body or avoid chronic health conditions, you may examine your habits around drinking, smoking, weight, daily exercise, diet, flossing, self-exams, annual check-ups, and sleep more than if your spouse said, “Why don’t you put down the ice cream, Tubby, and go run a few miles!?” We accomplish more when self-managed than micromanaged.
Figure 5.1 ARC model
Look at the two examples, and ask which would unleash your fullest potential:
• Example #1: Though her goals are set and specific, Paula has latitude in how to reach them. She shares her ideas with her supervisor, who supports her pursuit of what she feels is the best approach. Paula works hard to maintain or even grow her boss’s trust.
• Example #2: Peter has been a sales rep for four years and always reaches his goals. But his new boss continues to look over Peter’s shoulder and micromanage his every move. The boss has even listened to Peter’s phone calls and gone with him to visit clients. Peter no longer goes out of his way to initiate client contact, because his boss will second-guess him anyway.
Paula has high autonomy, and without the constraints of a micromanaging boss, she will create better results—and feel better while doing them—than Peter who operates under low autonomy and the ever-watchful eye of his overlord.
Relatedness
People need to feel connected to, understood, and valued by others.
Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) images show that the same region of the brain that records physical pain—the anterior insula and anterior cingulate cortex—also registers emotional pain, specifically feelings of rejection, with the same intensity (Eisenberger 2003).
In simple terms, if you could choose between a broken arm and feeling socially ostracized, choose the broken arm. At least with a broken arm, people will notice, empathize, and hold doors open for you. Feelings of isolation often go unnoticed, intensifying the feeling of rejection and loneliness. Unfortunately, you cannot put a cast on or point to the exact source of emotional pain.
When Emotional Threats Can Cause Real Harm
Researchers at the National Institute of Drug Abuse understand that stress, such as from feeling ostracized, often leads to self-medication (“Are You Self-Medicating and Masking Symptoms of Mental Illness?”).
Did you know that the same medication that soothes the pain from a broken bone also soothes pain from a broken heart, rejection, and isolation? That’s right. Researchers found that acetaminophen numbed pain regardless if the source was physical or emotional. Not only does that have a huge implication about a leading cause of alcohol or substance abuse and addiction, but it shows the lengths people take to avoid feeling like an outsider.
This phenomenon affects your MTMs, because your pain can drive you (and others) to react in unhealthy ways to avoid perceived threats.
Like before, look at the next two examples. Ask yourself which would unleash your fullest potential:
• Example #1: Though Ahmed and his supervisor don’t have many shared interests outside of work, Ahmed feels like his supervisor genuinely values him as a person and cares about his career. A few times a week, the supervisor even asks Ahmed for his opinion on business matters.
• Example #2: Jody considers herself to be very friendly at work, so it hurts her feelings if people stop talking when she enters the break room. Her coworkers laugh and share inside jokes, but they rarely include her in conversations.
Ahmed feels like he fits in and belongs, which engages him at work. He shares relatedness with his coworkers. Jody feels like an outsider. Her loneliness at work will likely drive her to find another job where she feels like she is part of something special.
Carrie Steckl, PhD, explains that self-esteem comes from two major aspects: feelings of competence (“I’m good at what I do”) and self-worth (“I am a good person and have the right to exist”) (Steckl 2020). Believing that we can be effective by applying our talents toward desired outcomes is the cornerstone of self-esteem.
Which of these examples shows a willingness to go the extra mile?
• Example #1: Susan managed a mid-sized cross-departmental project to a successful conclusion, using her strong prioritization, organization, and communication skills and receiving positive feedback from all involved.
• Example #2: For years, James served as a trainer and
subject-matter expert to new employees on using the legacy software system for their enterprise resource planning. Ever since the company upgraded to a new system, James felt behind the learning curve. Not only did his expertise become irrelevant, but he had to go to new employees for help.
The Benefits of Competence
In 2014, Psychology Today summarized the business case for working in a role that aligns with areas of strengths and competence with a list of benefits:
1. Increased happiness
2. Reduced stress
3. Increased health and energy
4. Improved life satisfaction
5. Increased confidence
6. Accelerated growth and development
7. Increased creativity and learning agility
8. Enhanced satisfaction and meaning found in work
9. Increased work engagement (McQuaid 2014)
Do you see how crucial Competence is to performance and engagement—and how a lack of Competence can threaten MTMs?
Understanding Your ARC
Which aspect of the ARC model is most important for your motivation, and which is most sensitive to threat? Look at the following examples, and ask yourself which would threaten your Outlook the most:
• Autonomy. Without any known reason, your boss starts checking up on your performance and looking over your shoulder. Whereas you once had freedom to decide how to structure your work, your boss begins asking you to explain everything you are doing and why.
• Relatedness. Throughout the first 10 years in your current role, you have been considered the hub of office communication. People have looked to you for answers on topics ranging from company protocols to technical matters. However, recently, many new, younger managers have been hired, and you are increasingly out of the loop. Last week, you were notified that your office will be moving to another floor, where not only will you have no line-of-sight with your employees or peers, but you will sit with employees from another division.
• Competence. You looked your 50th birthday straight in the eyes without a trace of panic or midlife crisis. But soon after, your career changed direction when your boss asked you to take a lateral move to open a new office. While you have never shied away from challenges, this opportunity comes with strings attached. First, you will be staffing your office with new hires, as you will be able to take only a handful of experienced employees with you. Second, your office will be piloting a new enterprise resource planning platform, one that you have never used. Finally, once the new office becomes fully operational, you will be given the accounts payable department, which is very different from the billing area you have managed for the last 11 years.
With no awareness about what triggers you, these situations might catch you off guard, and your response might not be Getting It Right.
Now think back to the exercise to assess Your Worst Self in Chapter 3, when your motivation was low and performance may have suffered. Reflect if any or all of your “ARC” was in a “threat” state, in which you wanted to get “away.”
• How was your Autonomy threatened? Did you feel enough ownership and decision-making authority?
• How was your Relatedness threatened? Did you feel like an outsider?
• How was your Competency threatened? Did you feel a struggle to perform?
• What were the primary emotions you felt during this time? How did these social threats show up in your motivation and behaviors?
• How did these threats negatively impact your ability to Get It Right in your MTMs?
Now think of your exercise on Best Self. This was a time when you felt motivated, your performance was high, and you were exceeding expectations. Reflect if any or all of your “ARC” was in a “reward” state, in which you wanted to go “toward” the situation.
• How was your Autonomy rewarded? Did you experience extra freedom to do things the way you thought best?
• How was your Relatedness rewarded? Did you feel connected, like an insider?
• How was your Competency rewarded? Did you find yourself in the flow while working?
• What were the primary emotions you felt during this time?
• How did these social “rewards” show up in your motivation and behaviors?
• How did these “rewards” impact your ability to Get It Right in your MTMs?
Situations where it’s easy for Your Best Self to shine will create natural opportunities for:
• Autonomy to do your work
• An environment where you feel Relatedness and emotional safety to express your ideas
• Regular opportunities to highlight your Competence
Why Does Your ARC Matter?
The medieval Jewish philosopher Maimonides famously said, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Imagine if you fed yourself for a lifetime, except instead of fish, you fed your ARC by being thoughtful about the organizations, roles, career paths, and projects you pursued.
By aligning your role with your ARC needs, you will fortify your Outlook and multiply your satisfaction and productivity.
The ARC Reward
Working on the cultural due diligence part of an upcoming merger, Scott got so focused on his work, he left the office only long enough to shower, change clothes, and nap.
Another team member, Michelle, was excited enough by the work challenge (or crazy enough!) to keep similar hours. One morning, she came into the office at 5:30 a.m. looking…rough. She clearly had not brushed her hair—and had a large coffee stain on her blouse and a small knot on the side of her head.
She responded to Scott’s sideways glance by talking about her “commute from hell.” She had ordered coffee before boarding the train to Chicago for her hour-long commute. She was so tired that she fell asleep. When the conductor woke her for her ticket, she jumped, spilling coffee everywhere! Having nothing to clean herself with, she drew her legs up onto the bench and fell sound asleep. Her wake-up call at the end of the line was brutal. When the train stopped, she fell onto the floor where she earned the bump on her head.
She ended her story by holding up her hand, looking Scott dead in the eye, and saying, “So I don’t want to hear about how I look. I would only show up looking like this to help you.”
The truth is, she did not show up for Scott. She showed up because the project fed her ARC. The work fueled her Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence. And shortly after completing the project, her positive Outlook earned her the first of many promotions.
You are never bulletproof from threatening situations. But when you are aware of a threat to your ARC (or someone else’s!), you can choose the best Outlook for productive action. Awareness stops you from sitting in the victim seat where your situation and negative emotions batter you. Moving is in your power!
But where do you start? When you feel threatened (and before), how can you use your ARC awareness to slow down and check your emotions, calibrate your Outlook, and choose other behaviors to align with Your Best Self? Let’s find out.
Know Yourself under Threat
You have no power to change your actions until you are aware that you feel triggered. What are the signs that your ARC feels threatened? Some of the most universal physical indicators are a clenched jaw, shallow and increased breathing, rapid heart rate, sinking feeling in your stomach, flushed face, and an increase in sweat. (The signs vary by person.)
Think of a time when you felt triggered. What did your body do to prepare for battle?
One of the first lessons of self-defense is that you will remain defenseless as long as you are unaware of potential threats. Self-awareness of your most sensitive triggers within the ARC model allows you to consciously choose a response.
How do you teach your mind that not every threat is life-threatening? How can you respond differently in your MTMs? How can you prepare for a successful interaction—instead of a blow-out?
What do you do in that space when you feel like blowing up? The next chapter introduces a simple, practical, four-step strategy based on mindfulness to help you clear your Outlook and redirect negative emotions to embolden Your Best Self—When It Matters Most.