True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.
—Ernest Hemingway
In Chapter 1, we briefly described our self-leadership SOAR cycle. We promised to slow down the cycle so that we can illustrate the knowledge and tools you need to effectively navigate MTMs. Let’s explore how slowing down the process works.
Preparing One’s Self for the High Seas
Scott’s wife, Jocelyn, once chartered a small sailboat from Florida to the Bahamas. Her “Uncle Paul” captained it and allowed Jocelyn to bring four friends as crew. As Uncle Paul was the only experienced sailor, he sent the rest of the crew homework to read and terms to learn—including parts of the boat and how to tie a proper knot.
Once they arrived in Florida, after loading and boarding the boat, the crew didn’t head straight to the open sea. Instead, they navigated down the intracoastal waterway to practice their skills and learn their roles. They tested hoisting the sails and taking them down, turning the boat around, issuing commands, activating the radio, harnessing into their safety lines, and plotting their course.
The new crew developed the foundational skills needed to keep them safe and moving toward their desired destination. They didn’t learn random, irrelevant strategies; instead, they spotlighted knowledge and skills they most needed before heading out to the high seas. By practicing as the sun shone and water reflected like glass—with EMTs and boat mechanics nearby in case of a major mistake—they prepared for the test ahead. (They even steered into the ocean briefly, where two of them “practiced” getting seasick!) At sunset, the crew decided it was time to cross the Gulf Stream.
Similar to the sailing crew practicing skills before hitting the pressure of the high seas, if you desire to reach your destination in your MTM with more success, you will need to master the Self you bring into those situations—before they occur. The skills you learn in this Self phase will be crucial to making the most of each MTM that comes your way. Through Self leadership, you can contribute your best to accomplish a shared goal.
We will revisit the crew’s sailing journey in each section of the book, as we address how to SOAR and not sink in your MTMs. Like a sailing crew SOARing through the water, we want to help you navigate challenges with all the skills you need to get to your destination—with your relationships intact.
What Do We Mean by Self?
The first online dictionary definition we found is as good as any—
Self /noun
noun: self; plural noun: selves
a person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.
Having assessed thousands of individuals on intelligence quotient (IQ) tests, emotional intelligence (EQ) assessments, and personality inventories such as Myers Briggs, The Achiever, DiSC, and so on, we will admit that we are nerds. Each of these assessments takes a picture of the same individual, just at a slightly different angle. We’ve come to believe the knowledge learned from tools such as these, while interesting and relevant, doesn’t always promote growth. Nor do they tell the full story of Self, much like how a photograph shows only one angle of a face. We are complex, and each situation elicits different thoughts, intentions, and behaviors. Life is dynamic.
For the purpose of SOAR, think of Self as the real, unique you that has evolved over time based on your one-of-a-kind combination of:
• Memories
• Experiences
• Personality
• Physical traits
• Tendencies
• Habits
• Intelligence
• Beliefs
• Preferences
• Strengths
• Weaknesses
• Assumptions
Before unwrapping the concept of Self, we need to begin with how aware you are of what makes you you. We call this self-awareness.
Adrian Furnham defines self-awareness as “the accurate appraisal and understanding of your abilities and preferences and their implications for your behavior and impact on others” (How to Develop Self-Awareness 2017).
Simply put, you have self-awareness if you know why you do what you do and think what you think. Self-awareness involves knowing your true character, what motivates you, what drives your feelings, and what fuels your desires. When mindful of whether your thoughts and emotions lift you up or bring you down, you can adjust as necessary.
Without self-awareness—when you don’t know why you do or think the things that you do, what motivates you, how your feelings move you forward or slow you down, and what fuels your desires—any important, complex, and relational situation can quickly become overwhelming.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
—Carl Gustav Jung
Imagine responding to the doctor who asks, “Where does it hurt?” with, “I have no idea.” Self-awareness allows you to perform an ongoing diagnostic of what is working well or what needs to improve.
Everyone Has Self-Awareness, Right?
Babies are born with a delightful lack of self-awareness, remaining blissfully clueless that anyone might have an agenda that differs from their own. When a baby fills her diaper, she feels no embarrassment. When she screams all night before your big meeting with the boss, she offers no apologies. Were you and your partner to discuss the need for continuous birth control moving forward, your baby takes no offense. Babies are incapable of showing the slightest bit of jealousy, embarrassment, shame, envy, or empathy, which is kind of refreshing.
It’s much less refreshing when you see those same characteristics in your spouse, boss, coworker, or the mirror. Do you know someone who is equally clueless about social or professional norms? Think of that neighbor who walks his dog across the street to relieve itself on your lawn. Could you imagine the person sitting next to you in church saying “boring!”, loudly and clearly, while the minister is talking? Or an uninvited guest walking into your business meeting to grab a cup of coffee and a donut off the table?
Sure, we might fantasize about doing some of those things, but self-awareness and an understanding of social norms tend to keep our behavior in check.
Babies start developing self-awareness around the 15- to 24-month mark. Using the “rouge test,” a mom will place a dab of red rouge on her child’s nose and then sit that child in front of a mirror. Prior to 15 months of age, a baby might look at his own reflection but not recognize himself or realize that the red dot is on his own nose. But, starting around 15 months, a baby will look in the mirror and make a great discovery: “Hey! I know that guy!” Furthermore, at around that age, when a baby sees a red dab of rouge on his nose, he realizes the dot is not on the reflection but on his own nose!
Have you ever watched an infant make the discovery for the first time that he has the power to move his hand or foot? Before that moment, the child would wiggle and move, but any limb that crossed his eyes seemed as random as looking at the night sky just in time to see a shooting star.
But then, it happens! Awareness enters the child’s mind that the hand up in the air is his hand, and the foot overhead is his foot. And, for the time being, the child has a new friend: a hand or foot that can provide hours of endless entertainment!
From that moment on, we constantly gather more self-awareness—and learn that we are unique and independent from the next person. As we grow and mature, we realize we control so much more than just our limbs. We own our thoughts, attitudes, and actions every moment.
Over time and experience, we develop values, personality, emotions, strengths, and weaknesses. The more we understand ourselves, the more we gain control over how we think and feel—and eventually what we do. We learn how to motivate ourselves, manage our stress, and make better decisions. And, if we serve as leaders, high self-awareness allows us to connect with others to lead them more effectively.
Our level of self-awareness varies, but there are steps we can take to increase it.
Why We Need Self-Awareness
Why would we want to increase our self-awareness?
The benefits of self-awareness are well documented. Multiple research studies support that self-awareness informs better outcomes in decision-making, skill development, adaptation to change, as well as interpersonal and communication skills—all leading to higher performance and influence.
Let’s see how this plays out in a real situation. A client of ours named “Sara” told us that she struggled to keep her emotional control whenever her boss “Bonnie” came near. Bonnie wore a perpetually pained look on her face, and almost everything she said came across as negative, punitive, and corrective. Sara described how her own behaviors changed around Bonnie:
I find myself holding my breath when I see [Bonnie], and I try not to move. When Bonnie comes near me, and I’m afraid she’s going to talk to me, I stand up a little straighter and tighten my lips together almost like I’m preparing to be hit. And I know I clench my teeth, because my jaw aches if she stays within my eyesight for any length of time. So by the time Bonnie comes right up to me and starts talking, I take a deep breath, lower my eyes, and try my best to give her one-word answers, hoping she’ll move to someone else.
What a wonderfully detailed description, and one that is colossally sad at the same time. Imagine feeling this way at work every day!
Sara possessed great self-awareness about her feelings and behaviors around her boss. Without that level of self-awareness, she would be unable to keep emotional control around Bonnie, much less when facing an MTM involving Bonnie. By adding additional skills, Sara can learn not only to unclench her teeth when Bonnie comes near but also to stay relaxed throughout their interactions.
We will say more about what to do with self-awareness later to improve the outcome of your MTMs.
The ROI of Self-Awareness
It’s easy to imagine what could happen if Sara’s emotional control eroded around Bonnie. Under stress, Sara could lash out, making it worse. This could lead to lost productivity, visits to HR, and even attrition (of Sara, Bonnie, or even coworkers who got sucked in)—all of which cost a company and culture, money and morale.
Need more return on investment (ROI)? According to research, 75–90 percent of visits to the doctor’s office have a stress-related connection (America’s #1 Health Problem 2017).
Self-awareness provides other forms of ROI, which include the health and productivity benefits of mindfulness, which we will share later.
Portrait of the Self-Aware Leader
Jasmine tried to get a critical project back on its rigid delivery schedule. Not only did the outcome matter to the multibillion-dollar company, but it also mattered to Jasmine’s boss Helen who she respected and didn’t want to disappoint.
While Jasmine eventually got the project moving forward again, it was still behind schedule. Jasmine’s first thought was to send Helen an email or voicemail, but she quickly dismissed that idea. Jasmine realized that Helen deserved to hear bad news immediately and in person, just like Don Corleone in (The Godfather 1974) so she pushed aside her own discomfort and went to see Helen later that day.
While Jasmine was talking, Helen never interrupted. Instead, she waited until Jasmine finished before asking follow-up questions. Then Helen spun her chair slightly toward the window overlooking beautiful Lake Michigan. Jasmine thought she heard Helen going “Hmm hmm hmmm.” She’s humming, Jasmine realized!
Finally, Helen looked at her as her tune came to an end.
“Okay,” Helen said at last. Then she asked a question, “What did you learn?”
Do you think that Jasmine was eager to deliver this news to Helen? Do you think Helen was happy to receive this news? No and no, right? But this story serves as a short example of applying self-awareness practices.
Jasmine had self-awareness about her discomfort in talking to her boss directly about the problem. That’s why she considered sending an email or leaving a voicemail. She understood her feelings (discomfort), but she overrode them to accomplish her higher value: showing respect to her boss.
Helen demonstrated self-awareness of the seriousness of the meeting by offering her full attention, listening without interrupting, and reserving judgment—and even questions—until Jasmine finished speaking. Then, Helen managed any disappointment she may have had before doing something truly remarkable: turning the failure into a teaching moment, a powerful MTM.
How many leaders would have been reading email instead of truly listening? How many would have waited to ask questions on hearing the bad news? How many would have shown anger or frustration when disappointed? And how many would have awareness in the moment to turn a negative situation into a learning opportunity?
Not many. But individuals with self-awareness—who understand their own thoughts, feelings, and actions—can control them to slow down time and navigate MTMs.
Portrait of the Self-Aware Parent
Self-awareness comes in handy in parenting, too. The term “discipline” means “to train.” When we give our children feedback about their actions, both positive and negative, aren’t we trying to instill self-awareness—so their behaviors are internalized as part of their “self”? And doesn’t it stand to reason that by being more self-aware, we can more effectively interact with our loved ones?
We have all either witnessed or experienced first-hand when someone uses passion, urgency, or anger as a justification for reacting impulsively. An all too common example occurs when a parent is addressing a child who is throwing a fit for not getting something she wanted. The parent then demonstratively yells and stomps his feet to let his child know that throwing a fit when you don’t get your way is not an okay behavior. The irony of the situation is obvious.
Parents can spend hours trying to train and guide the self-awareness of their children through direct means, but most of what we teach our kids comes informally. Kids learn through our example.
What can you do right now to increase your self-awareness? Here are three strategies to fast-tracking your self-awareness.
Self-Awareness Strategy #1: Engage in Assessments and Learning on Your Personality
Given the connection between self-awareness, building better interpersonal relationships, and generating top performance results, it’s not surprising that leading companies regularly administer personality assessments and related training within their career and leadership development programs.
Some of these include Myers Briggs, DiSC, StrengthsFinder, The Achiever, 16PF, Emotional Intelligence, and Workplace Big5. For more information on these, use your preferred internet search engine to learn more and find out how you can take these assessments.
As we’ve suggested, these assessments aren’t always enough to give you a practical “how to.” However, they do provide a solid understanding of who you are, what you “bring to the table,” what strengths you can further develop, and what deficits you may need to fill to take your skills to the next level. In other words, start with assessments to gain a snapshot of your current level of self-awareness.
If your company does not offer assessments, consider taking them on your own. You can find several free or low-cost versions online.
Where Does My Personality Come from and Can I Change It?
Personality is a complicated subject that could fill a book. To summarize research, you are born with a leaning in your personality, just like you were born with a dominant hand or eye. Added to that, you have experiences throughout your life that affect how you respond—forming your habits. In short, when you combine the best parts of your personality and habits, your strengths surface.
Can you change your personality? Yes, to a degree. You likely will always have a leaning—based on genetics, your history, and other factors. But you can compensate for shortcomings by addressing your habits. You also can analyze your behaviors in relation to any past traumas and let go of habits that don’t serve you (e.g., reactions that are based on fear and not reality). Do you remember Jasmine’s boss who hummed when she received bad news? It’s very likely that she learned along the way that humming kept her from reacting emotionally when disappointed. Changing behavior takes time and intention—and starts with self-awareness that your habits aren’t serving you well.
If you aren’t sure how to tackle these changes, a trained counselor or coach can be invaluable.
What do assessments have to do with self-awareness? It’s important to know your strengths so you can bring out Your Best Self, which we will discuss later. And it’s important to know Your Worst Self, for the same reasons. Self-awareness allows you to build on your areas of strength (Best Self) and manage your areas of weakness (Worst Self).
Self-Awareness Strategy #2: Ask for Help Seeing Your Blind Spots
Personality assessments, training courses, and self-analysis are not the only ways you can improve your self-awareness at work. You have nearly limitless opportunities to gain self-awareness each day when you are tuned in to others—especially those with whom you have regular proximity. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, “You can hear a lot just by listening.”
Years ago, Ted’s boss helped Ted gain some self-awareness about checking his phone during meetings.
Ted told it this way:
During my performance review, my boss said, “There’s one more thing I want to mention. I’m not sure if you’re aware of it,” he told me. “But frequently during meetings with your team or even just the two of us, you look at your phone constantly. It makes me think you’d rather be someplace else.”
Ted was mortified by his boss’s observation. When his boss asked if Ted was aware that he looked at his phone throughout meetings, Ted nodded.
“I’ve always been time-conscious,” Ted explained. “I look at my phone to check the time. I’m very careful not to cause meetings to go later than scheduled on my account.”
To paraphrase Yogi Berra, Ted heard a lot just by listening. Ted heard that his boss had observed his behavior. Ted also heard that his boss believed the behavior unintentional and provided him with feedback to help Ted “fix” what could be perceived as a problem. Finally, Ted learned that while he might evaluate himself based on his own good intentions, others judged him on his actions alone.
Once Ted gained awareness about his behavior—and how his behavior had been interpreted—Ted changed his behavior. Self-awareness became a tool for change. And notice, Ted gained this self-awareness as a result of real-world feedback instead of a personality assessment (read more on Feedback in the Reflection section).
Johari Window
In 1955, psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham created what they called the Johari Window (Johari formed by combining their two first names) as a self-discovery exercise (see Figure 2.1).
Figure 2.1 The Johari Window
Source: (Luft 1969)
The Johari Window suggests each of us possesses traits that are either Known or Not Known to us and Known or Not Known to others. Some traits are known to both us and others, and they are called Open. For example, if you speak with a British accent in the United States, you know it, and all those around you know it.
Some traits we alone know (or we think we’re alone in knowing) but try to hide because we don’t like those characteristics (Hidden). It’s like a short person wearing lifts in his shoes to disguise his short stature.
Some traits are unknown to us but completely known to others. Those are in the Blind Spot. Think of the Michael Scott character on the U.S. version of The Office. He thinks he’s the best, funniest boss in the world; however, his employees usually see him as immature, selfish, and a waste of time. (If you haven’t watched the show, think of anyone who comes across as clueless to social mores and productivity practices!)
Finally, some traits are unknown to us as well as others. Consider these as areas of unlimited yet unknown potential. We might think we know what our lives will be like in twenty years, but we don’t. Many things can happen. The decisions we make today influence our future.
If you want to gain greater self-awareness, ask those closest to you about your Blind Spot. Ask them what one thing you could do or stop doing to increase your effectiveness as a boss, coworker, friend, or life partner.
If you don’t have someone who volunteers feedback about your blind spots, be proactive. Don’t wait until you get called out on your behavior. Find a trusted person you can ask. This might be your peer, boss, friend, or family member. Let this person be a mirror for the things you can’t see. You might ask:
• Do I have a “tell” when I’m upset? Bored? Tired?
• What behaviors do you think I need to be more aware of to be a better leader, employee, spouse, and so on?
The Other MTM: Sending Messages That Matter
We are constantly communicating—which simply means we are sending, receiving, and processing information.
In his 1971 book Silent Messages, Albert Mehrabian, PhD evaluated the effectiveness of salespeople using potential customers as evaluators. Potential customers found the words used in a sales “pitch” influenced 7 percent of how a speaker’s credibility was evaluated. More than words, participants assessed that 93 percent of speaker credibility came from nonverbal communication—vocal tone and body language (Mehrabian 1981). That means whether we want to or not, we often let our bodies do the talking.
Most of us have seen this nonverbal communication in the form of eye rolls and glares (especially if we parent a teen!). It also comes in the form of a smile and eye contact.
If you are constantly sending messages, how do you send messages that matter (the other MTM)? Sending meaningful, constructive messages starts with having self-awareness, so you can adjust your messages based on intentions—not just emotional reactions.
If you aren’t sure of the messages your body is sending, start paying attention. Or better yet, ask others! Because, trust us, they are watching and reading into your actions.
Self-Awareness Strategy #3: Check in on Your Emotional State
Too often, we breeze through our days on autopilot without stopping to give ourselves a “gut check” until something goes awry. Then we become acutely aware of how we feel, which is some form of “Insert Negative Emotion Here ____________.”
Simply by checking in with yourself, you increase your self-awareness. Two or three times each day, ask yourself these questions:
• What am I feeling at this moment? How am I contributing to this moment (positively or negatively)?
• What’s wrong in this moment? What’s right in this moment?
You are the subject-matter expert on yourself, so get used to asking yourself regularly how you are doing.
Mindfulness Apps
Of course in the digital age, there’s an app for that, should you want some extra help. One example is Stop, Breathe, & Think, an app that prompts you to “check in” by selecting a choice of adjectives describing how you feel. Based on your responses, it recommends short exercises to help you clear your head, relax, or check your anxiety. Even if you choose not to engage in their suggested activities, the app helps condition you to monitor your emotions and thoughts to become aware of any drop in your emotional energy. Another popular app is Headspace, which provides guided meditation exercises in a variety of topic areas.
Sometimes self-awareness can be lifesaving. But Randy Grimes, retired National Football League (NFL) center for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for 10 years, knows why some people resist checking in with their emotions.
Randy sharpened his ability to read people on the gridiron, but in his subsequent addiction to pain pills, he became numb.
“I didn’t want to face what I was doing to others,” states Randy. “I had no self-awareness. I led my family to lose our home—and on moving day, I nearly died of an overdose in front of my wife and children.”
Randy finally faced his addiction and found recovery—gaining self-awareness. Today, he is an addiction interventionalist.
“In my interventions, I almost always hear the same thing: denial,” Randy told Scott. “‘I don’t have a problem,’ the person will say. People in addiction don’t check in with themselves. They deny problems exist. They push the pain away with a bottle of liquor or pills.”
To break through, Randy states, “They have to face their emotions fearlessly and learn new ways to cope. Otherwise, they’ll stay stuck running to their drug of choice as soon as they feel negative emotions” (Carbonara and Grimes 2020).
How important is it to check in with yourself emotionally? What Randy Grimes says about those suffering from substance-use disorder is just as true for everyone else. Unless we acknowledge our emotional states, our emotions can own us, forcing us to react instead of respond.
In short, when you’re serious about developing self-awareness, you’ll do three things. First, you’ll take assessments to study yourself. Second, you’ll be curious to know if you see yourself as others see you. You’ll ask others to stand in your Blind Spot and tell you what they see. You’ll use that information to adjust. Finally, you will check in with yourself throughout the day, knowing what heightens and diminishes your emotional state. This self-examination allows you to understand your feelings without letting them drive your behavior.
As we stated at the beginning of the chapter, the concept of Self is nonlinear. The many versions of Self are 100 percent you. As a human, you have a limitless ability to turn on or off those parts of yourself, depending on the situation.
And that brings us to the Self that comes out when you try to impress someone. We call it Your Best Self.