CHAPTER 4

Networking as a Process (The Process Play)

If we are starting out on our networking journey, or perhaps wish to take a fresh look at how we do things, it can help to lay down a framework.

To clarify, this is not a prescriptive way to network. As mentioned in the introduction, there will always be different strokes for different folks. But scaffolding knowledge in this way helps as a start point and is particularly useful when it comes to practicing the techniques.

And there’s the rub. We must get out and practice.

The good news is the more we do, the easier it will get.

Attending networking events will also bring us into contact with other people who will have their own individual approach to networking. This provides an opportunity to observe and jettison those behaviors that don’t fit with our style while adopting, developing, and refining those that do.

There’s an adage in face-to-face people networking that says: “If you don’t go, you’ll never know!” Need we say more?

The Strategic Business Networking framework for Face-to-Face Networking Events

Image © Strategic Business Networking Ltd 2021. All rights reserved.

The diagram takes us through six stages of what can happen before, during, and after a F2F networking event. It’s shown as a self-reinforcing circle, because what we do, say, and learn at one networking gathering should always inform our approach to the events that follow.

Let’s concentrate on three stages where experience suggests there is scope for all of us to perform better. We just need to take on board some simple, easy-to-learn techniques.

These are:

Preparation (The Be Ready Play)

Let’s focus on what really matters under the heading of Preparation:

Getting Ourselves Ready

Here, we could trot out the saying “Fail to plan, plan to fail.” But would we be that boring?

Well yes, actually. Going along to a F2F networking event without any thinking in advance is leaving things entirely to chance.

This is fine if we want to take the view that we might get lucky. But Strategic Business Networking is about making sure we get lucky. If we are going to spend our own time attending events—and most of us do—it’s sensible to maximize our effectiveness.

Strategic Business Networking does not leave things to chance. But we may find we need less time to prepare as we gain experience.

Getting ourselves ready means that, initially, we need to get our heads in the right place. We can bring from our toolkit some of the techniques outlined previously, such as setting modest SMART targets, acknowledging nerves, building in rewards, resolving to reflect afterward, and not to ruminate.

As far as resources are concerned, the time-honored tradition of printed business cards hasn’t yet been bettered, despite the plethora of apps that allow us to tap our smartphones together or scan QR codes and so on.

A top tip here is to have the card printed on nonglossy paper, with the reverse side blank. Why? Because very many networkers still hold to the practice of making notes on our business cards about who we are, where and when we met, what baseball team we support, and so forth.

And these people are likely, but not exclusively, to be more-experienced hiring managers who have picked up on habits that aren’t exactly cutting edge, such as actually writing helpful networking information on pieces of paper. If we have any doubts, we should listen carefully next time we visit the rest room. The sound of scribbling pens may well be heard from any cubicle!

Of course, there will be exceptions. For example, those in hi-tech industries may well use tap-and-go methods and eschew the paper. But the big take home here is for us to think beforehand about the type of event and the cross-section of people who will be there. If we can keep flexible in our approach, we can win the day.

Text on the front of the card needs to be rather like our LinkedIn profile (see the later chapter on social media). Photos can be good as a memory jogger and, on the same theme, something memorable about who we are and what we do. Our LinkedIn “Headline” can be a useful starting point when deciding how to word this.

Explicitly avoiding job titles allows us not to have to explain immediately whether we are in work at present or not. In a way, titles are irrelevant; we are saying what we can bring to the party, not where we rank or ranked in an organization. In any event, many far-sighted organizations have relieved themselves of the burden of titles. This may be a trend we’ll see continue in future.

Contact points should be stated for the obvious reason that we need to make it easy for people to get back in touch with us if they want to. Again, we must think about our target audience. If we are networking with journalists and the media, it’s appropriate to print our Twitter handle. If it’s a collection of homeland security operatives, it might mark us out as loose-tongued. And especially if our Twitter handle is @ slackjaw!

There’s another serious point here. These days, it’s no great problem to obtain a great professional looking domain name for free or at minimal cost. We need to think about how our e-mail address renders: “[email protected]” is unlikely to win professional friends and influence them!

Some events might call for a CV to be prepared and brought along. However, this has a couple of issues. We won’t always know who we’ll meet and best practice these days is to have a number of different “tweaked” CVs according to the right opportunities. Bringing out the wrong version at the wrong time won’t cut the mustard.

And, on the subject of the right time, it may be better to wow your conversational partner with small talk, moving later into professional talk, than have them stand in front of us attempting to read a document that we’ve just handed them. The CV can always come later.

This is not a book about presentation skills, so it won’t be appropriate to go into details about hair, make-up, piercings, or tattoos. And hallelujah to that! We just need to be sensible and dress according to context, if necessary going one level up in dress code as a form of “insurance.” In short, dress to impress. As an example for us guys, a necktie can always be covertly removed upon the first trip to the restroom. It’s much harder to go find one when the stores are all closed!

Try to Find Out Who Is Going to Be at the Event and Prepare for Small Talk

Researching attendees may require some guile, especially so when some event organizers are understandably guarded over attendee data (and Data Protection law means they have a point). Plus, there is no guarantee that the key contact we wanted to meet will be there.

Even so, if we have access to a list, spending a few minutes Googling will help with our planning, strategy, and influencing.

A solution to the “no attendee lists” problem is to arrive at the event early and undertake a quick sweep of the name badge table. It is always a good idea to say hello to and engage the event organizer. After all, it’s in their interests the event goes well so we immediately have a common objective.

We should tell the organizer about ourselves (see later “How to Craft Our Key Messages”) and our reasons for attending the event and ask if there is anyone who we should meet. We might even press our case by asking if it might be possible for the host to introduce us personally.

Now let’s think about small talk. It’s often said that “BIG THINGS come from small talk.”

“Small talk” is a vital part of face-to-face interaction. It marks us out as fully paid up members of humanity. Anthropologists, such as Professor Robin Dunbar of the University of Oxford, suggest that small talk (and gossip) is the human equivalent of animals grooming each other in the wild.

Apes in the wild …

Image © 2021 Daniel Byron

There’s an assumption that grooming in animals involves catching fleas. But free-living monkeys don’t have that many fleas and skin parasites (these tend to multiply in different, more confined conditions).

Rather, when monkeys groom, they are mostly removing items caught in fur, or scabs and other skin blemishes. It involves a gentle teasing and tugging—much more like subtle massage than anything else. This promotes an endorphin release associated with pleasurable feelings. So maybe there’s more to human conversation than meets the eye!

When we first start a conversation with someone new, it’s helpful to have an idea about how to keep things flowing. This way, potentially embarrassing silences and conversational dead ends can be avoided.

This is where preparation comes in. So that we have something in our kit bag, we should try researching in advance some simple but interesting facts about:

But we should be careful if there are any political or socially sensitive aspects to the speaker’s subject. Better to err on the cautious side until our new contacts get to know us.

Conversation (The Discourse Play)

We’ll break this down into three components:

Starting a Conversation

So, let’s assume we have done some preparation, we’ve arrived at the event and have settled ourselves with a drink and some nibbles.

Another attendee has approached us, or we have approached them. We have greeted each other with a warm smile, introduced ourselves by name, and shaken hands. What next?

Networking specialists often dispense the advice of an opening question based on the old “Do you come here often?”

While this question may not be at the top of our list, there are other versions that are perfectly adequate such as “What brings you here today (or this evening etc.)?”

Another technique involves the exchange of business cards. There’s a temptation often to simply pocket the card and move on. But if a little time is taken to read what is printed on the card this can open up valuable conversation topics, such as the home state or location of the individual and their office.

It can also be useful to employ the mnemonic “JIFFY” to signpost possible topics of conversation. This stands for Jobs, Interests, Family, Friends, and finally, You.

The “You” at the end is intended to signify that this is an opportunity to give the other person the stage. We can think of it as their turn to be in the spotlight. In effect, we are acting as a prompter to keep the conversation flowing.

Of course, it’s appropriate to also talk about ourselves at some stage. But be measured in doing so and show some generosity, such as avoiding interruptions when the conversational partner is in full flow.

We can also consider using the technique of reflecting. This involves responding to the comments made by the other party, in effect signaling them to expand upon their theme. Quite often it just requires repetition of the last word said, as in this example:

Partner: Yes, we’re just back from holiday …

Us: Holiday?

Partner: Oh, a beautiful little place, perfect for the children …

Us: Children?

Partner: Yes, we have three Jemima, Jack, and Jeremy?

Us: Oh really, what age are they?

And so on …

Notice we don’t overdo the reflecting, otherwise, it can start to sound false and parrot like.

Nonetheless, reflecting is useful to keep things ticking along to avoid a conversational dead end and can also gather valuable personal information.

In the previous example, if we were to meet this person again, it would be perfectly acceptable to recall that they’d recently been on holiday. In doing so, we’d effortlessly pick up the small talk part of any conversation where we left off. We have a ready-made conversation starter for next time.

Next, let’s talk about names.

Names are important. After introductions have been made, we’ll generally know if we are in the company of an accomplished networker if they mention our given name maybe three or four times early in the conversation.

Two things are happening here. First, this is a memory piece on the part of the person repeating the name. They are locking it into long-term memory.

If this doesn’t seem important, we should consider how often influential and successful people are described as having a good memory for names and being capable of greeting people personally many years after the first introduction. It’s a very powerful tool.

Secondly, names are personal. Supported by our parent or caregiver, we learn our name as young children, possibly as one of the very first words we assimilate.

The point is that the capacity for associating one’s name with formative events is strong. Ask any school teacher and they will tell us that knowing the names of the students in their class and being able to quote them with ease, gives them a degree of influence and authority.

Hence using someone’s name always carries a personal angle, which is useful for building rapport quickly with someone we’ve only just met.

So, we should try the technique of repeating someone’s name after the initial introduction and early in the conversation. It might sound strange the first few times we do it but, after practice, it will come more naturally and be invaluable in aiding the memory and building the relationship.

These techniques are preferable to dominating the conversation with our own angle on JIFFY, while the other half of the interaction looks on in bewildered silence. Behave this way and we’ll probably find ourselves alone quite quickly!

There has been a significant amount of research around the proportion of conversation between two people to promote an effective networking interaction. Some say 80/20, others say 70/30 (the smaller number refers to our contribution).

It may be more about our basic needs as human beings. And a wish to be heard and understood.

That’s why it can be important to tell our story, but only after giving time and space to the other party, thereby allowing them to tell theirs. Some commentators refer to this as a kind of verbal “dance” and this seems to be a pretty good way of looking at it.

We’ll realize very soon if the pendulum swings too far. A conversation under these conditions ceases to be genuinely two-way and instead turns into a lecture!

Having a Conversation

With the ice broken, the coast is normally clear to enter deeper conversation.

This could include more about what the other person does and enough information for us to judge whether an opportunity element to the conversation can be introduced.

For example, are there mutually beneficial opportunities that fit with our own strategy? Or perhaps we can assist the other person with information, advice, or guidance from our knowledge and experience?

This isn’t about pressing a sale or going in for the kill. We should be wary of jumping the gun and engaging in what Dr. Ivan Misner (founder and Chairman of business networking organization BNI) calls “premature solicitation”!

On the other hand, let’s be clear. Networking events usually happen because of an implicit theme of commerce and business relationship building. Business-talk is part of the scene.

It’s also perfectly legitimate to consider that any hiring managers who are present at the event might be in talent recruitment mode.

Moving into business mode also requires preparation and forethought. The aim should be to provide a coherent story of where we’ve come from, where we are now, and in what direction we hope to go forward.

There’s more about this in the later chapter, “How to Craft Our Key Messages.”

Leaving a Conversation

This part of the dialogue normally raises a smile. It’s probably because most of us have experienced that slightly unsettling interaction with someone who will just not leave us alone.

Picture the scene. There tends to be only two people left in the conversational group. We’ve introduced ourselves to the other party and what has followed is a reasonable discussion about jobs, interests, family, and friends.

But there has been a dawning realization on our part: Although a pleasant conversation, it’s unlikely the relationship will develop much more. And the other party may feel the same about us.

For any readers who might be uncomfortable with the blunt tone of the last paragraph, we should remind ourselves of our initial premise. Our networking time is scarce. Unless we are strategic in approaching how we behave, we can spend a lot of time doing the right things in the wrong way.

We are not saying that we should treat other people as we would a disposable tissue, once we decide they can be of no use. Potentially, everyone and anyone might be able to provide counsel and advice at some point in our lives.

However, we can’t work on unfounded assumptions based on the far long term (unless we have limitless time to network). Therefore, strategic decisions need to be made while always, of course, treating people with the respect and dignity that we would expect ourselves.

So, how can we exit gracefully once a conversation has run its course? How do we know when a conversation has reached this point? Sometimes, like leaves in the fall, we just know.

First, it’s a good idea to give ourselves permission. We have come to the event to network with everyone there, not to spend all evening with one person. We owe it to ourselves to gain the best value from our time. Being kind to ourselves is just as important as being kind to others.

After waiting for an appropriate gap in the conversation, we can exit with the following:

“It’s been great speaking with you but:

… I need to go and refresh my drink.”

… I need to go to the restroom.” (Hoping they don’t follow us!)

… we’re both here to network, so I’ll move on around the room.”

Some experienced networkers offer the advice of never leaving our conversational partner on their own. It’s suggested that they be introduced to another contact, associate, or friend. But that person may not thank us for this later!

A better alternative would be to direct them to the host (we will have contacted the host earlier and know them by name). They have responsibility for all guests. We can provide a short intro, before moving away.

Other times a good measure can be when the conversation has become circular. In other words, we arrive back at a topic we discussed earlier in the conversation. This always provides a natural hiatus. We pause for breath and probably the next few words should be something like:

Author’s note: It’s often very warm at networking events: it’s all that hot air! When you return with the drinks, you can take your exit then if appropriate. But, sometimes, there’s a new person who has joined your former conversational partner. Wow, a whole new person you can be introduced to and who you can network with!

Action Immediately After the Event (The Follow-Up Play)

Following up after the event can sometimes be hard to do.

It’s perhaps a human failing, but we really don’t like to risk being judged and/or suffer rejection. Some have even suggested that the emotion of fear comes into play.

But we must do it.

Here are some follow-up actions:

With every interaction we should proceed with a degree of caution. Don’t rush. And we should be thinking of three things:

Our Strategic Business Networking strategy should include continually moving the relationship forward to the next interaction; for example, from networking event to telephone call, to coffee meeting, to in-office discussion (which may well turn into an informal job interview or sales opportunity).

Failing to follow up undoes all the hard work carried out in the preparation and small talk stages.

People can have short memories and the working day can be long and stressful. If we don’t follow up quickly and effectively, we and our proposal will be forgotten.

There’s another important point. Doing what we said we’d do has scientific underpinning.

The “Big 5” personality factors are often expressed by the mnemonic “OCEAN.” This stands for:

And here’s the secret sauce: it’s being conscientious that research identifies as the best predictor of success in a job. The other factors have a part to play, but conscientiousness stands out.

And the beauty of following up is that it offers tangible proof of our conscientiousness to any important networking contact or potential employer. It’s a demonstration that we can be trusted to do what we say we’ll do.

To quote the words of the former UK Government Minister and businessman, Lord Young of Graffham, we should “Focus and follow through.”

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