CHAPTER 11

When Our Networking Is NOT Working (The Troubleshooting Play)

Networking is never a short-term fix. Rather, it’s a habit that needs to be formed through the practice of good principles.

But we can all recognize situations where try as we might, it seems particularly hard to make our networking strategy work for us.

Maybe we’ve hit a bit of a block? Maybe the approaches we’ve made to potential contacts and prospective mentors have come to nothing?

Here are some thoughts about dealing with this.

Network Smart (The Stew Play)

The ideas of Wharton professor, Stew Friedman promote four dimensions in our lives: Work, Family, Society, and Self.

His Better Leader, Richer Life program has identified that a more desirable balance across the four domains leads to improved performance in our professional lives. It’s as if the revised perspective in terms of what is truly important for an individual allows greater clarity and commitment in the professional domain.

Being smart in the use of time across the domains is also a strategy for personal effectiveness. For example, taking part in a charity corporate social responsibility event involving a fun run could potentially provide multiple benefits in all four dimensions. It could deliver engagement with colleagues outside of a work context, improved standing within the organization, advantages for the community, health benefits, and, if children or family are involved, a shared positive experience in the family domain.

If we can find networking opportunities that generate a “four-way win,” we’ll be making really good use of our time.

Being Lucky (The Wiseman Play)

Scientists have found that “lucky” people are no different from the rest of us. Research undertaken by Professor Richard Wiseman shows they simply adopt a more open attitude and therefore “consistently encounter chance opportunities.”

Professor Wiseman’s book cites the case of the multimillion lottery winner who considered themselves “unlucky.” Why? Because they had to share their winnings with someone else who picked out the same random number. Unlucky, because they could have won more as a sole winner!

Similarly, the unfortunate bank cashier caught in an armed raid, shot in the arm, and seriously wounded. Here they feel just how “lucky” they are. The bullet might have been higher.

Over 30 years ago, the eminent psychologist Alfred Bandura noted that “some of the most important determinants of life’s paths often arise through the most trivial of circumstances.”

Personality studies suggest those who perceive themselves as unlucky are generally more tense and anxious. Furthermore, this anxiety can disrupt the ability to notice the unexpected. Too many become locked into a focus that can cause us to miss out on the activity around us.

The trick is to keep open to opportunity. And be ready to learn. Anything.

We should also bear in mind that “lucky” people benefit from another skill.

They carry a clear and consistent dialogue in their heads which, when called upon, explains quickly and memorably who they are and what their career project entails. In other words, they have a laser-like image of their broad direction of travel.

If we don’t have this kind of internal story worked out and ready to deliver at a moment’s notice, there’s some very good advice: We should all commit ourselves as soon as possible to construct one!

Being Likeable (The Networking Niceties Play)

We know that being perceived as likeable when meeting people is a big plus. We’ll recall that likeability is one of the six influence and persuasion principles identified in Dr. Robert Cialdini’s work.

But if we weren’t fortunate enough to be born under a guiding and gilded star, how can we go about being likeable?

Well, there are certain things we can do. Let’s call these Networking Niceties.

“I don’t know, but I’d be interested in the answer!”

Or;

“That’s really interesting, I’ve never thought of it that way.”

A simple action, but one that has potential to position us in a much more positive and likeable light.

If all of this sounds a bit too touchy-feely, we’ve hit upon an interesting paradox.

We can engage in certain behaviors to be likeable, but when we want to appear competent we often do the opposite. Whether through nervous energy or getting carried away in the moment, we tend to speak more than listen, overfocus on our own accomplishments and demonstrate our expertise by challenging the views of others. (If this sounds a bit like Social Media, you are right!)

The answer is to emphasize those elements of our behavior that don’t risk being labeled as fluffy, lacking rationale and perhaps uninformed, but nonetheless highlight the moral aspects of personal warmth.

We can do this by demonstrating traits such as fairness, honesty, and responsibility, all of which build trust with other people.

Speaking (The Speaking Play)

Speaking in front of other people can be a great networking tool. Why? Because it can have the effect of drawing people toward us. It’s that same “pull.” This is so much more effective than the blatant “push” that so many folks feel they must employ to be noticed. Surely we can be more subtle than that?

Now, some people call this “Public Speaking.” But we might want to shy away from that term and everything it implies.

No, we should perhaps prefer to call it “Speaking in front of friends who we haven’t yet met.” Any psychologists reading this will now be enjoying a wry smile, because they have “twigged” what we’ve just done to calm any nerves!

We can certainly speak. Many of us have done so since a very early age.* We can certainly speak with other people (although not everyone does, but that perhaps is the subject of another book!).

And we can certainly speak in front of other people. Why should going up to a raised platform or standing in front of a dais make any difference?

But this isn’t a book that covers how to speak with other people, so we’ll leave it there apart from a couple of references.

The very wonderful Caroline Goyder teaches people to speak with gravitas. Indeed, this single word is the title of Caroline’s book. Caroline worked at London’s famed Central School of Speech and Drama as a voice coach for over 10 years. She is a lovely person who helps others.

Another equally lovely person in the same mold is Ges Ray. Ges lives outside of London in his country mansion and, among other things, is a world-class singer who has performed at many top venues, including New York’s Carnegie Hall.

Ges has developed a range of resources for those interested in this topic. One particularly useful one is his pocket-book “Speak Performance.” The beauty of the pocket book is we can take it with us wherever we go. If we are called upon even to make an impromptu speech, the book is at hand to guide and advise. Brilliant!

* I used to have the task of phoning a particularly challenging client. He would answer and I, being polite and wanting to make sure he was free, would ask “Can you speak?”

He would always reply “Of course. I’ve been able to since a baby.” After a couple of times exposure to this rather feeble attempt at a joke, I learned my lesson. I just used to email him instead!

Try Not to Stress (The Twain Play)

Mark Twain (he of Huckleberry Finn fame), when referring to our natural ability to imagine negative consequences, said: “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”

So, we should have faith in our own ability.

Things that take on the highest urgency and importance today will be viewed as insignificant trifles in years to come. It’s only a question of perception. If we reframe problems as challenges or opportunities, we’ll start to see that we can’t fail, only learn.

Cultivating a Professional Mindset (The Professional Play)

Sometimes we must accept that we are going through a rough patch with our networking. But tough times don’t last for long and they always teach us something about ourselves.

If we retain our professional outlook and hold on to the right values, we’ll pull through.

In this edited extract, Shane Parrish of Farnham Street blog has some worthwhile thoughts on how professionals differ from amateurs:

Take Action