Chapter 12

How to Sharpen Your Images

If It’s Not Sharp, It’s Blurry

You see that line up there that seems totally “duh!”? The subtitle? The one that says, “If It’s Not Sharp, It’s Blurry”? That seems obvious, but it’s deeper than it sounds because lots of people post blurry images, and never thought for a second about sharpening them. That’s because they didn’t know how to sharpen them, which is a clear failure of the national school system—which for some reason puts academics, and a universal hatred of Facebook by preteens, with a school lunch system that is not only corrupt, but obfuscates the gray line between right and wrong, dodging-and-burning, Bartles & Jaymes, Hall & Oates, and everything we hold dear, from the use of silent letters to requiring a license to go fishing. Sharpening is at the core of all this and, without it, it’s like seeing the world through someone else’s prescription glasses—they put them on and the first thing they say is, “Dude, you’re blind!” Of course, you get all defensive and you’re like, “I am not blind. That’s just not the right prescription for your eyes.” But, they’re still like, “I dunno know, dude. I think you better see a doctor. This could be venereal.” And, you’re like, “Venereal?! Are you out of your mind?” And, they’re all like, “Listen, I’m not here to judge, but when someone’s eyesight is off by that much, it usually turns out to be from an untreated . . .” And, you stop them right there with that look that means “this is about to go to fists,” and of course, they don’t actually want to fight because they clearly need glasses themselves, and probably have depth perception issues. So, you’d be able to easily clock them a good one, and they wouldn’t see it coming until it was too late, and then you’d both realize it’s all just a “P-thing,” and everybody chills. Note: Why does “P-thing” sound a lot naughtier here than it did in the last chapter?