Most of us grow up with an inbuilt negativity towards speaking to strangers. During your formative years, your parents may have warned you to stay away from strangers, for instance. Maybe those messages still affect how you feel and act in certain situations today.

I remember a number of years ago talking with a friend about this exact thing. He told me that to go and sit in a coffee shop on his own, surrounded by people he didn't know, was one of the worst situations he could imagine. Going to a pub or bar where he didn't know anyone, on the other hand, was not an issue at all. His beliefs told him that a coffee shop is somewhere people go to meet with friends, whereas a bar is where conversation with new people (i.e. strangers) is acceptable.

This was the exact opposite of what my own belief system used to be back then. I could quite happily have a coffee alone, but for me, anyone that went into a pub on their own obviously didn't have any friends! Of course I no longer have that belief.

Can you see how your beliefs affect the way you see things and the way you live your life?

This chapter looks at how you could think about strangers in a different way. It will enable you to develop and build your “speaking to strangers muscles”. A good analogy is that of a workout: the ability to strike up conversations, and be comfortable and relaxed about it, takes consistent practice over a period of time.

Why Bother Talking to Strangers Anyway?

First, let's deal with the “why bother?” question. The term “strangers” itself is a funny one. We are all human beings, having the same experience of living. We all breathe, talk and eat. It might be helpful to think of “strangers” just as people you don't yet know; potential friends. Think about it. Other than your immediate family, anyone else that has given you a job, given you a pay rise, made you smile, made you laugh or you've fallen in love with was once a stranger!

There must be more people like them out there!

Once you're able to speak to people you do not know, and initiate conversations with them, your whole life will expand, you will be more comfortable and relaxed in social and business situations, you will have better experiences and you will learn far more about the world and other people.

A mundane daily chore can become an adventure when you meet and engage with someone new who is interesting, even if that adventure only lasts a minute or two.

It might sound like a cliché but the world will become your oyster, and you will start to enjoy everyday situations, just because you can!

You Already Speak to More Strangers Than You Think

Like most people, you probably do speak to strangers when either the connection or reason to do so is good enough. Let's look at some examples of this.

• You are running late for a very important appointment and you are not sure which way to go. You may not normally ask a stranger for directions, but on this occasion, because your need is big enough, you override your usual hesitation.
• Your car won't start. You are stranded and in need of help from anyone who's around.
• You are away in a strange country where the language spoken is not your native tongue. You are waiting for a train and you hear a voice from your own country. You ask them where they are from and start a conversation like you were long lost friends.
• You are away on holiday and staying in a small family‐run hotel. As you go down to breakfast, you smile at the other guests. Perhaps you say “Good morning” and even engage them in some general conversation about the weather or the hotel.
• You are standing in a crowded place where you do not know anyone else. All of a sudden a car backfires, and you and the people near you look at each other and start talking about what has just happened.

Most of us will engage in conversation with a stranger when the reason or need is great enough and we can see no other alternative. It is also the case that we will engage in conversation with a stranger when we feel there is enough of a connection or commonality between us.

So, in the examples of staying in a hotel, being in a strange country or something dramatic happening in the environment, most people feel a connection to others through their shared experience.

If you have an internal rule that says you can only speak to someone else when there is a good enough connection, one quick way to become more open to striking up conversations is to adjust your criteria of what is a good enough connection. You might extend it to include being in the same place at the same time, and engaging in a similar activity. Suddenly, you've opened up a whole new set of connections, such as everyday occurrences like waiting for a bus or train, walking across the car park to the ticket machine, browsing around the same shop and attending the same event.

Ask yourself what really is the difference between these everyday occurrences and the list given earlier.

Conclusion

There is a limit to how much you can grow as a person or grow your success and happiness in life with the people you currently know. The simple fact is – most of your future success and personal growth depends on people you do not yet know. If you can work on changing your mindset and how you feel about talking to strangers, you will open up a whole world of new opportunities for yourself.

Anybody you start speaking to could end up being an employer, a customer or a lifetime friend. You need to be open to communication, whether in “random situations”, like a bookshop, a coffee shop, the supermarket or a sporting event, or in business situations, such as a conference, training course or seminar. There are so many opportunities out there once you start expanding your horizons and your contact base to include the people that you don't (yet) know. If you are still hesitant about speaking to new people, there may be other reasons at play here. A lot of the time you might not know what to say or how to say it. That's covered in Part Two of the book, where you will work through the four main stages of an interaction.