This chapter looks at some additional language techniques and how you can use them, based on your tonality and other aspects of your voice, to influence the way somebody takes on board the information you are telling them. These techniques will help you enhance the skills you've learnt in the four main stages and get even better results from your conversations. They will help your conversations to be more interesting and engaging and contribute to far greater rapport and connection.

Tonality

The meaning of any communication is more about the tonality and tone of voice used than the actual words themselves. Therefore, it is important to take care with the tonality you are using. For instance, the same words can be said in a certain tonality such that they are taken as being a joke or humorous and another way such that they are taken very seriously. A great example would be the phrase “Get out of here”. That could be said in a stern, telling‐off tonality or it could be said in an amazed and unbelievable tonality. Both situations use the exact same words but the meaning is completely different based on the tonality used.

Tonality is also important in keeping people interested in what you are saying. So, when you are talking to people about an experience or something that has gone on, it is important to be aware of the tonality that you are using.

Use tonality to make the words you say have more impact. For instance, you would usually say the word “slowly” in a slow speed of voice so that it sounded like the word itself. And if you were describing something that was “going faster and faster”, you would say the words “faster and faster” very quickly. This gives much more meaning and interest to whatever it is you are talking about. Bringing your communication alive by varying your tonality – sounding surprised when you talk about something that surprised you, excited when you are talking about something that excited you and nervous when you are talking about something that made you nervous – will help towards increasing the engagement of the person you are talking to. A varying tonality is far more interesting to listen to than a constant, monotone level where all of your words sound exactly the same.

If you want the other person to be excited about your conversation, you've got to be excited about it yourself first.

Speed of Talking

Another way of building rapport with someone when you are talking to them is to match the speed of their speech. Therefore, if they are talking quite quickly, you could attempt to talk at a similar pace, providing it isn't too uncomfortably quick for you. Likewise, if the other person is talking quite slowly then you should aim to slow down the speed of your own voice so that you are talking more closely to the speed they are speaking at. Again, we don't want to speak too slowly, such that it's uncomfortable for us, but as best we can match the speed of the other person's voice and words to increase the rapport between us.

It's not just about the rapport when matching the speed of talking either. People tend to understand and process information at different speeds. The speed with which somebody is understanding or processing any situation is often reflected in the speed of their speech. Therefore, if somebody is talking relatively slowly or at a much slower pace than you are, it could be because they are having to think carefully about things. So, if you are speaking too quickly for the other person, they are likely to have trouble understanding you because they cannot process the words at the speed you are saying them.

It happens the other way around as well. If you are talking very slowly compared to the other person, they are likely to be processing information very fast in this instance and could get bored waiting for you to finish each sentence. This is another reason why it is quite important to match the speed of talking with the other person as best you can.

Pauses

It is also important to consider the role of the pause or gap between words in any conversation. A pause can be used for very dramatic effect, to highlight a statement before you continue on to another one, for instance. When an extended pause is given with a certain facial expression, such as the raising of the eyebrows, this can lead the other person to be compelled to answer or contribute to the conversation. It is also important to be fairly animated in conversation, so use your facial expressions and your hands when you are describing different aspects of an experience to the other person.

However, when using your hands to describe things or map out a scene, for example, make sure you keep your hands at waist to chest level. Very often, waving hands higher – above chest level – can start to impede personal space or even be too distracting for people. Funnily enough, one of the reasons that waving your arms too high can be distracting isn't just the fact that the other person thinks they may get hit in the face at any moment. It is also because you are probably waving your hands within the personal space sphere they are using to think – because we think in pictures and we tend to place those pictures out in front of us, relatively.

Intonation

When it comes to looking at the intonation in your voice, this will depend greatly on the culture and traditions of the language that you are using to speak to people with. Even within the English language the use of intonation varies: for example, quite greatly between people in the UK and people in Australia. For now, let's look at the example of two people within the UK who are using the UK English language and engaged in a conversation. Typically, in this situation when we are making a statement our level of voice, volume‐wise and pitch‐wise, will remain constant. However, if we are asking a question, then typically the pitch in our voice and the volume will tend to rise towards the end of the phrase, i.e. the end of the question. Likewise, if we are giving a command to someone, our intonation – our volume and pitch – will tend to lower at the end of the statement and go downwards. Think about this, for example, in your life. Imagine you are giving somebody a command, i.e. “Do that now”; or you are asking someone a question, such as “How do you do that?”; or you are just making a statement like, “It's sunny today”. Can you notice that your intonation, level of voice or pitch changes somewhat between the examples?

When talking with people your voice is your main tool, like the racing car is the main tool of the Grand Prix champion. The car never makes the driver as good as he can be unless it is well tuned. The same is true of the voice techniques in this chapter. They can very often be the difference between you coming in first and getting the result you're after, or running a close second.