5
Stage 1 – Your Outcome and Starting a Conversation
Without initiating a conversation, nothing else can happen. This is the most important, and usually the most difficult, step.
Once you know how to start a conversation with someone you don't know, you'll be able to develop the rest of your skills and start achieving fantastic results.
As well as learning how to start a conversation, in this stage we will also look at:
- Understanding the outcome you want.
- How to handle different business and social envi‐ronments.
- Who looks open to conversation and who does not?
Most of the focus in this first stage is on starting a conversation with a stranger. There will be times when it's difficult to talk to people you already know, of course, and, in those situations, the same strategies apply.
When you start practising your new skills, do whatever is most comfortable for you. You might prefer to be on your own, but if you need the backup of friends, that's fine. Do whatever feels best to you, but whatever you do, keep practising.
Know the Outcome You Want!
So what outcome do you want from this communication? Is this business or social? Is this casual or is there something else you would like to happen?
Some example outcomes might be:
- Ease an awkward situation.
- Find out some information you need.
- Connect and share experiences with someone who looks to be into the same things as you.
- Share an interesting moment.
- Get a sale.
- Meet someone who could help you.
- Get friends to agree to a trip.
- Stop a team member at work making mistakes.
- How about just being nice and brightening someone's day!
Knowing your desired outcome before starting a conversation is essential. Let's say you have a team member at work who isn't doing their job properly and keeps making mistakes. You need to speak to them, but what do you want to happen as a result?
Do you want them to be so upset and frustrated that they start looking for a new job?
Or
Do you want them to mend their ways and do things properly in the future?
The words and tone you use will determine which of those two routes they go down.
- If you were looking for the first outcome, you would probably just criticize all they had done and let them know they were not up to the job. (Not my advised route, especially with a new team member or someone on a learning curve!)
- If you wanted them to get things done properly in future, then you would more likely ask them how “we could make sure things go better in future” and what you could do to help them.
By deciding the outcome before you start the conversation you can choose the appropriate words, tone and approach.
For another example, think of how you might decide the outcome you want from a business networking event. It would not be advisable, for instance, for your desired outcome to be just “to find people to sell to”. It might not be particularly effective to have this expectation influencing your approach and words. A more beneficial outcome could be “to connect with some like‐minded people of quality to build synergies for the future”. Part of your desired outcome might be to get a date in the diary to meet up, so that you can discuss more about what you both do and how you could potentially help each other in the future.
Knowing your outcome helps you plan ahead and direct the conversation. It also means you can set realistic expectations and relax more, because you know your goal.
Being Clear about Your Reasons for the Interaction
When you start an interaction with somebody a few things go through their mind, the first of which is likely to be “What does this person want and why are they talking to me?” Of course, this may be more obvious to them in some situations, such as at a sporting event, where you are both having the same experience and casual conversation is often made. However, this can differ in a more general public situation, such as a book or coffee shop scenario. Often, when you start talking to somebody that you don't know, they may – on a conscious or subconscious level – be wondering “What is this all about? Why are you talking to me and what do you want?”
If you've anticipated these concerns, you can eliminate them in your opening statement or question and put the other person at ease. For instance, let's say you are in a bookshop and you need some advice about finding a suitable cookery book for a gift. You see another shopper looking through the cookery section too. You could just ask them, “What's a good cookery book?” – and you'd probably get an answer. But the blunt approach doesn't fully address the “Why are you asking me and what do you want?” question.
If instead you said, “Excuse me, you look like somebody who is into cookery. Could you recommend a good book for a beginner? It's my cousin's birthday next week and I want to get him a book because he's expressed an interest in cookery.” You have now acknowledged why you are asking them (they look like they're into cookery because they're in the cookery section too) and what you're after (advice because your cousin is interested in cookery). So, in this example, you have immediately crossed off a number of conscious or subconscious concerns the other person might have about you speaking to them in that moment.
Another thought that may go through the other person's mind is “How long will this take, am I going to be stuck with this person?” Ask yourself, will you need to chat for a long time to get your desired outcome or is this a short interaction? Again, this could be determined in an opening statement, something like, “Excuse me, I've got a quick question for you.” This reassures the other person that this will just be a fleeting encounter – there is no need for them to be alarmed or concerned, or start worrying about how long it might take.
In some situations the reason you are starting a conversation or asking a question is obvious. For instance, if you were walking through a car park and you saw somebody getting into a particular car that you liked, you might say to them, “Hi there. I am thinking of getting one of those pretty soon. I just wondered, how do you find it? Is it practical to drive every day?” In this situation you don't have to acknowledge that they own the car you want because it's obvious from the question. What you want from them is obvious too because you are asking their opinion on their own car. In this instance, the number of potential concerns or reasons you need to address up front is reduced because most things are obvious and implied by the situation.
So, remember it's not just about what you say; it is about considering how else it could be interpreted. What you don't say – secondary communication – is also important, as mentioned in the Introduction.
What you could do in any situation is establish in your mind:
- “How many reasons are they going to have in their head?”
- “What are they going to be wondering about?”
- and
- “How can I put them at ease with my opening statement?”
How you start a conversation also depends on the environment you are in, which we will now explore. We will look at various types of environment in turn, with examples of how to get started with your conversation in each one.
When/Where – Based on the Environment
One of the key factors affecting the dynamics of an interaction is the environment. This has a bearing on how you might start a conversation, as well as what you might say.
So, first off, let's start with what most people find the most difficult situation of all; speaking to a totally random stranger in a very public or general environment.
The random stranger in a very public environment
Public situations would include the supermarket, a coffee shop or bookshop, waiting at the bus stop, or taking a lift or elevator. In these situations we usually have no pre‐set agenda or real outcome, nor do we have any known common ground with the person we are about to talk to.
First, though, let's review why you might want to talk to anyone in these situations in the first place. As you've read before, this book's premise is that meeting new people, on a regular basis, creates new opportunities for your social life, your business life and your success. Unless you are open to interactions, you will never create new opportunities for yourself. Plus, it's just dead time otherwise! Why just stand in line waiting for a coffee when you could fill the time with something more interesting?
So take the opportunity whenever you can to talk to new people. Strike up a conversation with somebody nearby who looks like they might be open to a conversation and see where it takes you. Your desired outcome could simply be to do something with the moment, to brighten someone's day or pass the time and have an experience that would otherwise have been missed. It could be as simple as that.
Breaking the deadly silence in a lift or elevator
A classic situation is the lift or elevator. It's a fact that most (or all) of us find being in an elevator with a group of people we don't know very awkward. People will do anything to avoid eye contact, usually simply staring at the panel as the floor indicators light up.
What do you think happens if somebody says something to lighten the atmosphere? It all changes, partly because everyone's just breathing a sigh of relief that they're not standing in a lift with an axe murderer! I always say something in this situation, and the outcome I'm looking for, the reason I do it, is easing an otherwise difficult situation.
The most common thing I do is look for the sign that says the maximum number of people that can fit into that lift. As we all know those numbers are very ambitious – we can be crowded in a lift with six people and look up to see that the capacity of that lift is actually twenty people!
So, I'll look for that and, while looking up at the sign, say:
“I don't know how you get twenty people in here; that must be fun!”
Sometimes people engage and say a response; other times they just smile or acknowledge my comment. Regardless of their level of response, the situation has been lightened and I feel good, in fact I feel proud that I was “brave enough” to speak in an environment where people generally don't!
Other Environments
There are many other environments that we find ourselves in outside of the general, random public encounter that we've just explored. Here are some more that we commonly find ourselves in, although of course there are many others.
The recreational event
When you're at a sports event, the theatre, the cinema – anywhere like this – you obviously have the common ground that you are both at the event in the same way that other people are. Good questions to ask people to start a conversation are things like:
- “What other events like this have you been to?”
- “What did you think of the event last week?”
- “What did you think of the cup final last week?” (If it's a sporting event and there was a cup final last week!)
What you should notice here is that I said, “What did you think of the cup final last week?” and not “Did you see the cup final last week?” The latter is at risk of leading to just a yes or no response, which is something you should avoid where possible. By saying, “What did you think . . . ?” you are more likely to have started a conversation. Even if they just say, “I didn't see it” you can then come back with, “Oh, you had better things on, did you? What did you get up to then?” Avoiding yes or no responses is key to engaging people in conversation.
Remember to ask interesting questions:
- What their experience was like.
- How they did something.
- How they felt in a situation.
These are all ways to generate interesting responses and interesting responses lead to easier conversations for both parties.
The learning event
A learning event could be a course or a seminar – something like that. In these situations you can ask people if they have done much on this topic before, what other similar courses or seminars they've been to and what they thought of them, whether this course was recommended by somebody or if they have attended this course before. There are many different ways you can open a conversation, with a connection having been established through being at the same learning event.
The business event
A great opener for a networking event is simply to go up to somebody, introduce yourself and ask them “What keeps you busy during the week then?” I love this opening compared to the classic “What do you do?” which seems a bit more direct. Opening up with “What keeps you busy during the week then?” also gives the other person the opportunity not just to talk about their work or career but to expand into what they do outside of work.
Business meetings generally follow a particular format. Before a meeting begins there is often a little rapport building or general day‐to‐day chitchat. Very often people will ask you what your journey was like and things like that. I find a great way of starting a conversation at a meeting is to comment on the parking – if they have good parking facilities that is. I'll simply say something like, “You know what? I am going to come here again. It's so easy to park – one of the best places I've been to” – and this will typically engage them in a conversation about how hard it is to park at certain places, and so on.
In a meeting situation, the chitchat will generally go on for a short period of time until the magical moment occurs where you all go into business mode. Up until that point is the general rapport‐building conversation. Good conversational topics in this situation can be things like, “Have you got anything exciting planned for this weekend?” or “Did you get up to anything exciting at the weekend?”
Always be observant, looking at what photographs they may have on their desk or on their walls, for clues about what interests them and use this to open up a conversation about one of their passions. As soon as you can, draw people into conversations about their passions, that is when they really do lock‐in on the engagement front. Not only that, by talking about something they enjoy or like, you put them in a good frame of mind and emotional state.
The social event
Social events, like parties or dinner parties, are different occasions altogether. In this situation, one of the easiest ways to get speaking to people that you have not met before is simply to ask them “So how do you know the host?” I think it's a fair assumption that if you are at a party you probably know or have been introduced to the host by somebody. The other person may well tell you a short story about when they met the host or how they know each other. Perhaps they grew up as children together or work together – any of these are great areas in which to expand a conversation and get engagement.
A holiday or trip
While you're on holiday you can generally start a conversation using small talk. Simply asking people where they live and what it's like there, or whether they've been to this particular place before, are good ways to get people talking about their holiday, their trip or their experiences back home.
Who – Who Do We Talk to Based on Who Looks Approachable?
In addition to having an outcome in mind before initiating a conversation, it is also a good idea to develop the skill of making a judgement call on who looks open to a conversation or, just as important, who doesn't look like they'd welcome one.
Although it is really just common sense, most people don't think of this. In the emotional turmoil of starting a conversation all logic goes out the window. Very often when people try and connect and it doesn't work, they blame themselves.
This section highlights some of the reasons communication may not go well.
Signs that “now may be a good time” to start a conversation
It is likely that people who are open to communication are more confident and friendly, have a strong presence and are noisier in any situation; they are more expressive, you know they are there. So, for example, they may stand behind you and see the long line in the bank and say to themselves out loud “Oh, no, another long wait”, or exclaim about the cold weather. These can, in most cases, be taken as invitations to connect by responding to them. You can also start to do these extra animations, sighs or comments to yourself in situations where you want others to talk to you, to start creating your own under‐the‐radar “invitations to connect”. We explore all the ways of starting a conversation in Chapters 6 and 7, as well as how to handle the different responses you might get.
The best time to engage with people is when they are in a “stuck state”, i.e. they are not going anywhere in that minute or two because of circumstances around them. While you're waiting at a pedestrian crossing or a train platform, or standing in line at a store for example – you are both literally stuck until the situation moves forward. These are good situations in which to engage with someone new and practise your conversation skills, because they have literally nowhere else to be in that small window of time – and who knows where this conversation could lead.
Signs that “now may not be the best time” to start a conversation
If you're in a situation and somebody looks miserable, upset or angry then it's pretty obvious that they won't be up for a more general conversation. So avoid people who look down and focus instead on people who have a bit of a smile on their face, a bit of a spring in their step or some energy about them. Pay attention to what they are doing. If they are sitting down with their head in their hands and frantically writing, then that is not the time for you to engage them in idle chitchat.
Likewise, if they are hurrying along in a flustered state and look like they're trying to get somewhere quickly, they are unlikely to be the best person to engage in a conversation.
However, it's not always a total “no go” if someone looks busy. If you really would like to talk to them for a specific reason then there is a way. Watch for when they take a break or come up for air and possibly glance in your direction. At that moment a simple “Well someone looks busy today” can work well. Even better, “Well, someone looks busy today, what are you studying for?” gets around the risk of a simple smile or a “yes” and is more likely to get them talking. They may not be studying at all but that doesn't matter – they'll probably correct your assumption and give you a route to a conversation.
The Curse of Getting Started
Hesitation kills spontaneity and spontaneity is your friend. Your inner critic will try and stop you, but when you see an opportunity to start a new conversation just go for it. Put aside the urge to critique your opening lines. Just come out with it, straight away, within the first few seconds. If you over‐think it, it won't seem natural to you or the person you're connecting with.
Respond to events around you in the environment. If somebody drops something on the floor near you, you could react to it and make a connection with someone else nearby with: “Glad that wasn't me. That's the sort of thing I do.”
Over‐analysis is a short cut to missed opportunities. Don't over‐analyze. Another person will accept you if it seems natural to them; and that will only happen if you come across with energy, make good eye contact, and give the impression that you’re an open, chatty person.
Aside from responding to events, the most natural moment to engage with somebody is when you move into their physical space.
If you're in a restaurant or coffee shop, the best moment to connect with the person next to you is the very moment you sit down. Use that moment to start your conversation. Moving into someone's physical space creates a natural window. It works because generally you're aware when people move into and out of your space. Think about the last time it happened to you. You probably briefly disengaged with what you were doing to review your surroundings.
If you let your inner critic take over and miss the opportunity, you're left with either having to recreate the moment artificially or resorting to creating or waiting for an event in the environment. Neither of these feels quite as natural.
The real message here is: for the most natural way into a conversation, turn off your inner critic and seize the moment.