The Interpersonal Battlefield

Navigating the Awkward, the Unexpected, the Downright Bizarre

CHILDHOOD TRAINING GROUND

MY KNACK FOR understanding the fine nuances of communication came not only from being on the job, but much earlier, growing up in America’s breadbasket. Small towns in Michigan, Ohio, and later Connecticut, where I was often one of just a handful of Asian kids, meant I was hyperaware of every stare from WGs (white girls) because of my dorky self-administered bowl-cut hairstyle and Goodwill overalls. If that weren’t enough, try bringing shredded pork floss and milky white steam buns to school instead of the super-cool Lunchables and Capri Sun and see what happens.

It became very apparent to me in elementary school that the world was not ready for me and my family. Memories of how I stuck out among my peers overshadowed the happy memories of birthday parties and going to my friend Carolyn’s house to play with her Playmobil dollhouse. Instead, much of what I remember includes the man at the supermarket who suspiciously eyed my mother as if to accuse her of stealing when she got too close to the high-ticket saffron in the spice aisle. (In reality, she was just getting close to examine the bottle because the deviled ham from a can and Country Crock sandwiches on Wonder bread she made for my breakfast never required this kind of flavoring and seemed totally foreign.)

Little did I know navigating all these situations would be a training ground for me to grow adept at identifying people who were masters at communication. These were people who didn’t shift eye contact when I was talking. (What? There were people who were interested in what I had to say?) These were the adults who let out genuine guttural laughs at my lame knock-knock jokes instead of the forced, fake “hehs.” Then there were the generous, kindhearted people who became my mentors and close friends who made me feel like I was the only person in the room and gave me their full attention whenever I opened my mouth.

As an employee in your organization, you are probably aware that these subtle reactions happen every hour of the day. By learning to read people’s subtle and overt reactions, including body language and facial expressions, and applying some of the techniques I’ll share in this chapter, you too can become a master of navigating common communication situations.

THE SOCIAL BERMUDA TRIANGLE: BEING LEFT OUT OF CONVERSATIONS

This common workplace phenomenon happens when three people are chatting, and two people decide to talk about something completely foreign to the third person. Most of the time it doesn’t happen on purpose but when it does, it leaves the third person feeling left out or sometimes wanting to leave the conversation.

My most dreaded moments have always been the “cross-talk” between the two anchors and sports person at the end of the sports segment. For one thing: I know very little about sports and don’t have a particular interest in men who tackle each other to the turf, nor do I care what R-B-I stands for. Feigning an interest, one night during the 11 p.m. newscast in Charlotte, I blurted out “Goooooo baseball!” The reaction from my on-air counterparts was crickets, followed by uncontrollable laughter as soon as we hit the commercial break. I had just made the lamest contribution to a sports conversation ever.

The most successful conversations are the ones where every person is able to contribute to the topic. It’s the “inside baseball” stories, jokes, or references that alienate and make others feel like they’re not in the loop. Nobody likes to feel uneducated or like an outsider. Even the most skilled conversationalists can struggle in a dialogue with someone who is babbling about vintage Pez dispensers from the 1960s. Having a debate about why “Saved by the Bell” is superior to “Beverly Hills 90210” is difficult with someone who hasn’t seen either television show.

If you really can’t tear yourself away from the idea of sharing an obscure factoid or inserting a bit of commentary into a conversation, go ahead and get it off your chest. But before everyone else in the party leaves, steer the ship back to where the conversation needs to be: with everyone contributing. As a professional poker player, my husband often talks about royal flushes, full houses, or being on-tilt with a group of card enthusiasts. But if one person doesn’t even know how to play the game, I’ll chime in, “Hey, I don’t play either. I once lost $7 and started crying!” to get that one person to feel included. If you find yourself in a similar situation, put yourself in that person’s shoes, and think about what would make you more comfortable in that moment.

FIND COMMON GROUND: HOW TO MASTER THE SIDE CHAT

Here’s something you learn about humans: After interviewing thousands of people in my career, I’ve realized one thing. No matter where we live and no matter our socioeconomic background, we all generally share the same emotions and human responses. Love, happiness, and hurt. This is common ground. It’s why small talk often consists of talking about the weather, where someone is from, and where their families are. We all experience these things in some form or another, making it an easy conventional topic everyone can weigh in on. There are plenty of methods in which we get to a mutual understanding and everyone is included. If you are at a workplace function or even in an informal meeting and need to break the ice, the following are some strategies I have found extremely effective.

Find the Lowest Common Denominator

This is as easy as boiling down a topic to the very core. Faced with a conversation at work or at a mixer involving a brainy scientist who spent the past 10 years in South Africa researching fauna and flora? The lowest common denominator: What is the most general thing this confusing topic is about? Plants and travel. You may have no idea about scientific gibberish, but you can easily ask a question or make a comment about how certain plants give you allergies or how your sister used to plant rare roses in the backyard. You’ve never been to South Africa, but you hear there are penguins that inhabit the western coast. By identifying what is most common to nonspecialists of the topic is the first step to steering the conversation back to an effective and enjoyable place.

Find a roundabout way to then interject something about your own self into the conversation. For example, I have colleagues who enjoy talking about fighter jets, Boeing 727s, and the Hawker 800 private jets. While they’re laughing and enjoying themselves, others around them tend to feel alienated, in-
cluding me. The extent of my own aviation knowledge is knowing who Amelia Earhart was. But I have been to an airshow. It was breathtaking and jaw-droppingly inspiring to see men and women take on challenges like 360 spins and turns and all those loop-
de-loop flight moves I have no clue the names of. Maybe this, then, turns into a conversation about what the correct terms are. Or, if they have ever been to an airshow themselves. By finding the most general part of even the most specialized topic, inserting what little you do know about the subject and then coupling it with a question keeps the other person engaged and feeling heard while giving you something to talk about and feeling included.

JUST KIDDING! NOT!

One of the most common workplace challenges is getting across information or an unpopular point of view in an inoffensive way. One of my favorite ways of addressing a serious topic is to soften the question, statement, or suggestion with a joke. Laugher is an equalizer: you can be the head of a multi-billion-dollar corporation, a migrant worker, or a fashion designer. No matter who you are, laughter and maybe a dash of absurdity takes a potentially serious topic and makes it comfortable enough to discuss.

I learned this strategy at a young age.

For most of my childhood, I thought my family was poor. Special occasions to McDonald’s to get a cheeseburger Happy Meal meant going through the drive-through (we almost never went inside the restaurant itself) where Mom would open the door to our beat-up air-condition-less Mazda minivan, peer outside, and reach down to collect whatever loose change was on the ground. If the bounty of random coins was good, I’d slink down in my seat and hide with embarrassment as she’d use the change to pay for the $1.99 meal. Later (sometimes on the same day) at the Goodwill, she’d butter up the cashier, complimenting her on her nails or hair and then ask if she could have the senior citizen discount for those over age 60. Since she was probably only in her early forties at the time, this seemed like a bold-faced lie. When the teenager ringing her up nodded in agreement, my mom would roll with the punches and accept the 20 percent off. If not, she’d say, “Just joking!” followed by an incredulous exclamation, “Do I look 60!?” and proceed to pay full price for our Cornflower CorningWare casserole set. Oftentimes the cashier was so taken aback by this seemingly meek, mild Asian lady paying for her merchandise with change in a clear baggie that they’d give her the discount anyway!

Turns out, I learned later on as an adult, we weren’t poor. My mom was just freakin’ frugal. This thriftiness didn’t exactly rub off on me, but the humor part did. Subconsciously, I comprehended the power of something that is seemingly a joke and how it could be a good way to communicate what you want by testing the waters.

While I know you’re not bargaining for cookware at work, using this half-joking-but-not-really tactic is a great way to get your point across or ask for something when you’re not fully comfortable. Case in point: My boss asked me to come in on my day off (despite being almost three hours away on a mini road trip) to anchor for a woman who called out sick. He came over to my desk later in the day to thank me for sacrificing my leisure time with friends. As much as I appreciated the station’s belief in me to fill some pretty big shoes (at the time I was anchoring a less high-
profile show) and the extra exposure to the audience, it was getting a little old since this had been the third time in six weeks I was called in on my day off. I believed it was important to make sure my boss knew how my willingness to work meant I was a valuable team player and worth keeping around. So, I added semi-
jokingly, “Just remember that when we renegotiate my contract!” The manager smiled knowingly and said, “Oh yes, trust me, I will remember.” So, without having to directly ask, I got answers to (1) whether my enthusiasm to help out the team was appreciated and (2) if the station wanted to re-sign me at the end of my term.

GLOSS AND GO: THE BRILLIANT BRUSH-OFF

Sometimes you need a more serious strategy than laughing something off. I know this well. I had just committed the cardinal sin of coanchors: the stealing of the sign-off. In the TV news biz, anchors use a tagline at the end of the newscast such as, “Have a good evening” or “May your day ahead be better than the one before” to signal the end of the show and act as a gesture of gratitude or a final farewell to the audience. Edward R. Murrow, the godfather of journalism, used the sign-off “Good night and good luck.” Hugh Downs, the former anchor of “20/20” (who, along with Barbara Walters, unknowingly helped me learn English—no “The Magic Schoolbus” show in the Lim household), used the line “We’re in touch so you be in touch.” In the Will Ferrell movie Anchorman, Ron Burgundy’s was “Stay Classy San Diego.”

During my morning years, mine was “Have a quality day, friends.” Later, when I was in Tampa my coanchor Reggie’s tagline of “Have a good night and do take care” was so well-known after nearly 30 years in the market, viewers would shout it out in the streets when he was nearby or when they would see me at the grocery store and ask me to tell him, “Do take care.”

A number of years before he and I began working together, Reggie’s desk partner—we’ll call her Marcia—let a “Do take care” slip at the end of the show. Reggie laughed like a Buddha recalling the story and jokingly said viewers were going to call in to complain she stole his line . . . which they did. In droves! But at the end of the day, Reggie took it all in stride. It was funny and made for an entertaining story of how personally connected the audience felt to those eight words.

Phil, another anchor I worked with later on, was not so forgiving. At all.

For some reason I had gotten confused listening to my director’s countdown in my earpiece and didn’t hear my coanchor say, “Have an enjoyable evening and see you tomorrow” so I subconsciously let a “Have an enjoyable evening” slip out.

Before I could even close out my scripts on the iPad and shut down the computer, Phil barked, “That’s my line. Mine. I tell people to have an enjoyable evening. Nobody else. I’ve been saying it for almost as many years as you’ve been alive.”

I was shocked. Was a grown man really that upset I wanted our viewers to have an enjoyable evening? It then got worse.

“I already said it. Why would you say it again?” grumbled Phil.

Granted, it wasn’t smooth of me to repeat what he said, but I hadn’t heard him say it because I was distracted trying to listen to the director who was counting me down in my ear. Why was he getting mad about something I did anyway? If anyone looked awkward it was me, not him.

Phil, in his expensive suit, monogrammed cuff links, and silk Hermes pocket square was having a man-baby tantrum.

How do you handle yourself after someone knowingly humiliates you in front of your peers? Over something so seemingly trivial and silly? He was essentially sending a beacon to everyone listening (not only a meteorologist and a sports anchor, but also the entire behind-the-scenes crew in the control room who heard the exchange over headsets) indicating I didn’t maneuver the final minutes of the show as deftly as he could. I was inferior and rude for taking his line.

There were many ways to handle this bizarre circumstance and I knew this one had to be managed with a certain expertise, as Phil was known for not backing down on his convictions. In his ego-inflated head he was always right. I wasn’t scared to put him in his place, because I was used to confronting shady PR professionals and tight-lipped attorneys who didn’t want to answer my probing questions. But unlike these people, whom I would use all my verbal brute strength on and never run into again, I had to work with Phil in close proximity on a daily basis.

This was a time to exercise the Gloss and Go. Let me explain.

First: Do Not Apologize

Sometimes it’s not necessary to apologize, even if you’re guilty of something. For those who knee-jerk react with anger at something so trivial, they do not deserve an expression or gesture of regret. Was I sorry I took his line? Sure. But not sorry he tried to humiliate me in front of my team. When you are at work, you and your colleagues are equals. And there should be a certain level of respect. By apologizing I would show weakness, and he would think he had the upper hand. For adult-babies, an apology is affirmation that they’re right and what they’ve done is acceptable. Someone needs to send the message that their actions are not okay and offering up an “I’m sorry” is not the way to do it.

Second: When They’re Enraged, Do Not Engage

When people are so enraged for seemingly trivial things, all logic and reason go out the window. In their clouded furor no degree of reasoning will be accepted. I knew Phil could not be reasoned with, so I chose not to engage and explain what had happened. The logic would be lost in his cloud of anger.

Third: Deflect and Gloss

Deflecting shouldn’t be as obvious as pointing over the person’s shoulder, and yelling, “Look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” It also works best when the topic is closely related. After Phil had a moment to catch his breath from the first wave of tongue-lashing, I immediately went into the story about Marcia and how viewers called in spades accusing Marcia of being a sentence-stealer but how Reggie thought it was funny. The hope was to tell Phil a similar story of this happening to someone else, so he would be too preoccupied listening or processing the story to notice I did not apologize.

Ultimately the strategy worked and later in the evening, Phil seemed to have forgotten about his stolen sign-off and we went back to work as usual.

KISSING ONE’S BUTT (IS IT EVER OKAY?)

If you find yourself in a situation where someone’s ego threatens to run the show, a little stroking of that ego can often work to your advantage and get you where you want to be.

Before I started working with an established colleague who had written a book on storytelling and the art of journalism, my new teammates pulled me aside and said if I told him I owned his book and used it in college (which was true) he would be nicer to me. This seemed ludicrous but I followed through on their recommendation and it worked. On occasion, he would smile in my direction instead of staring with his usual furrowed brow, deep-in-thought, scowling expression.

Just like consuming butter and sweets, I strongly suggest using pandering sparingly. A producer friend of mine, Cammie, once told me a story about working with a diva anchor on a promotional spot featuring her new health segment. Since Diva Anchor had been in the market a long time (more than 23 years, as she liked to remind everyone she encountered, probably even the cashier at the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru), she had an ego the size of Texas. They were at a local park where Cammie shot video of the anchor jumping rope and doing other various activities that promote heart health. The anchor was upset that her hair kept bouncing around while doing the exercises (um, that usually is what happens, unless your hair is shellacked so hard with hair spray that it becomes a helmet) she made Cammie waste an additional two hours waiting for the wind to die down, shooting and rerecording the lines until her hair looked perfectly arranged.

Cammie said she was exasperated and her pleas to hasten the shoot fell on deaf ears. Then a harebrained Hail Mary idea struck her like lightning. She turned to her anchor, who was dabbing her nose with a powder puff, and said, “Listen. You’re such a big deal in the city, everyone knows your name and loves you. They’ll love you even more if you can show them you sweat and get your hair messy just like the commoners!”

Commoners? What?! Had we just tele-transported back to Ancient Rome and our viewers were plebeians? Playing into the anchor’s own ego was just what she needed to get moving and wrap up the shoot. Cammie’s strategy to kiss up just enough worked.

When satisfying someone’s ego, just don’t lose sight of how ridiculous the situation. Remember, the end goal is to work with the person toward a common goal. If this is what it takes, so be it. Just don’t lose sight of why you’re doing it and don’t make it a habit.

WHEN BLUNTNESS BOMBS

In Chapter 1, I talked about how a blunt response can save you from being cornered by the office chatterbox. The workplace isn’t the only place that could benefit from some bluntness. How about the entire planet? Instead of guessing how your crush feels about you, wouldn’t it be nice if he or she just came right out and said it? No more beating around the bush when you don’t like the way your fellow nurse applies tourniquets to patients. In TV news, time is at a premium and communications must be conveyed quickly and efficiently. Being direct and to the point is sometimes the only way to get things done.

When time is of the essence and your message needs to get across in an attention-grabbing way, if you execute the bluntness correctly it’s a supremely effective way to communicate. But not everybody can handle the truth. Sometimes the resulting reaction may not be comfortable, but it can not only solve the problem at hand but tell a lot about your working relationship with that person.

My ability to be direct (and sometimes misunderstood as being insensitive) comes from a strict Tiger Mom (yes, it’s not just the catchy name of a book—it’s a real Asian mother phenomenon) whose pointedness often reduced me to tears as a child. Imagine a key-lime plaid, button-down shirt presented to her on her fifty-first birthday that yielded an, “Aye-ya! Mama don’t wear this! Give to Salvation Army!” (It’s not that she doesn’t care about the gift, it’s just her way of saying she prefers to sew and wear her own clothes.) No joke, that was the last time I ever bought her a birthday present.

Blunt (Stink) Bomb—When Bluntness Bombs . . . but Also Kind of Works

Behind her back, at least a half-dozen people referred to a former colleague as “Cat Shit Breath.” The culprit? A trifecta of nasty habits: chain smoking, drinking what seemed like a gallon of Coke Zero a day, and not brushing her teeth after doing both. With every exhale (and there are a lot of them during the course of a newscast) out wafted the odor of decay.

Since I did care about this person and wanted to prevent her from further ridicule (and save my olfactory senses and nostrils), I had to say something. But how do you do this with tact? Some recommended I put a bottle of Listerine in her cubby. Or sprinkle mints and gum like confetti on her workspace. After some thought, I decided passive-aggressive product placement was not the answer. Others thought I should get a manager to break the news. This wasn’t quite right either, as the boss had plenty of much more pressing issues to deal with.

Given how my mom always seemed to get what she wanted (no more terrible birthday presents) by being blunt, I decided to rip off the bandage and tell CSB to her face. But how?

After a particularly stifling mouth odor day on set, I asked CSB to stick around after the stage managers left the studio. Looking her right in the eye, I said, “I need you to brush your teeth.” Looking crestfallen she nodded, made up some excuse about her dentist not wanting her to brush her teeth to protect her gums (uh, worst dentist ever), and the problem miraculously was solved by the next day. Sticks of chewing gum appeared on her desk. Within a month she had kicked the smoking habit. I thought things were fine and I had done her a favor. Others in the newsroom noticed and would mention how the stink was gone and no longer called her the horrible nickname. Not once did I tell anyone I was the reason behind the air-clearing.

More than a year later, though, while we disagreed about something I don’t even remember, she gave me a fiery look and spat out, “Sometimes people are direct and hurt others’ feelings” and let out a deep huff of air in my face, which smelled like cinnamon Dentyne. Whoa, talk about passive-aggressive.

What this experience taught me was that being blunt is an effective tool in achieving what you want. But misjudging the degree of straightforwardness I could use with this person ultimately hurt our relationship. You’ll find yourself offending less and achieving more if you can soften the directness by not using such demanding language as, “I need you to XYZ,” and say instead, “Hey, there’ve been some complaints about your breath and it affects me too. Just wanted you to know.”

Put Someone Out of Their Misery

Sometimes being direct is a relief for the person you are communicating with. When a reporter colleague of mine casually dropped the fact she knew how to anchor to the general manager, instead of beating around the bush and offering up a “Maybe on holidays” or “Why don’t we work on it a bit first” she got a, “You’re not ready for the desk, so we’ll have to pass on that option.”

Instead of pouting or being upset, she said she was relieved! At least a direct answer was better than worrying and wondering, eating up time and mental energy. She now had direction to keep practicing her anchoring and keep kicking butt at reporting.

Remember that when you’re answering in a way the other person doesn’t expect (or you’re receiving an answer you aren’t expecting), the result is often valuable information that can potentially help you move forward in your career.

THE NON-APOLOGY APOLOGY

While I strategically chose not to apologize to the anchorman baby, and don’t believe in over-apologizing for things you’re not really sorry for, an expression of regret does work in some situations.

When a newer reporter I worked with wrote a terrible anchor intro to his story (which was already riddled with typos), I was furious. The three sentences were so packed with errors I could barely understand the meaning of each word. Latin would have been easier to comprehend. Since the script wasn’t dropped into the rundown until about two minutes before it aired, I didn’t have time to proofread it either. While he was the one who wrote it, guess whose cred-
ibility was at stake for hundreds of thousands of people? Mine!

For some reporters I have a rapport with, I would text or in passing casually mention “Yo, what happened to that script? Was that written in English?” But this guy was different. I never saw him in real life since he was always out in the field, and when I did it was only in passing or while meeting at the coffee machine. How should I approach him to get my point across that he needed to be more careful with writing his scripts? I had no idea if he was open to joking and I didn’t want a semi-kidding fail.

Instead, I approached his desk and said, “Hey Warren, I’m sorry I butchered your anchor toss the other night . . . the producers were slammed all evening and I should have caught the typos.” Warren looked alarmed and said, “Typos? Man, I didn’t know there were typos in the piece. That’s my fault. I took a call from my mom in the middle of writing that last night. I’ll be more careful next time. My bad!” In the same way misery loves company, you can use a genuine apology (yes, in my case I was truly sorry I didn’t circumvent the error sooner) to then prompt not only an apology from the other person but what comes with it—acknowledgment of what went wrong and by default, an unspoken message that it won’t happen again.

CAN’T WIN WITH THE WHINERS

He. Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Complaining. The story. The weather. The traffic. Terry was my photographer for the day, and clearly he had not just woken up on the wrong side of the bed, he must have stepped in dog poop on the wrong side of the bed. Because on this particular day, there was nothing that could appease Terry into working as a team on the story ahead of us.

We were covering a music festival he had covered many times before but one that I was excited to be at. I was trying to make the story sound, look, and feel different from years past so I asked him to get a couple extra creative shots, which he refused to do. He just shot the story from one stagnant position and then proceeded to waste half an hour shooting the breeze with a photographer from a competing station. Despite trying everything to motivate him (“C’mon, this’ll be easy. Let’s just get a few people in the crowd with me then we can go.”) he just declined, citing it “wasn’t necessary” to put any effort into the story.

By constantly vocalizing his indignation I was hindered from doing my job and I would be the one getting in trouble later for not producing a quality product. Instead of collaborating, he shut down every suggestion or idea in favor of grumbling over why he wasn’t assigned with someone else, or to a more impactful story. You probably work with people just like this—and know how infuriating it can be to deal with their whining. Next time, try one of the following strategies.

Do Not Succumb

In these situations, the whiner wants you to whine with him. It’s the only way he feels better about himself. Terry had baited me with a series of invasive questions, trying to get me to complain about other people. (“Mackenzie is the worst assignment desk editor and never gives me the stories I like . . . don’t you agree?”) When I didn’t partake in throwing my teammates under the bus, he became more irritated. But I refused to sacrifice my own convictions, beliefs, and manners just to satisfy someone’s need to gossip and be rude to others behind their backs. It’s a great power move to stop whiners in their tracks.

Skirt and Empathize

Instead of allowing yourself to fall deep into the whiner’s rabbit hole, the only way to manage one is to skirt around the subject he or she is complaining about and then show empathy. Sometimes this is all a person is looking for. Terry was complaining about how his tripod was heavy. I decided to turn complaining into sympathy: “I can see how lugging around 17 pounds every day with the same arm can be tiring!” Also, adding a personal and relatable story can further help the person identify that you understand. “When I carry your tripod, my arms really hurt, and that’s only for a few minutes, not like you, for eight hours.” It didn’t solve his whining, but it did make it a bit more manageable. He felt like I understood his struggle, putting us on a more even playing field.

The Terry incident proved people who complain are never part of the solution. They never advance and often end up unhappy or fired. So, what do you do when you’re faced with an issue? Instead of complaining, solve it so you can showcase what you do best . . . and get a few perks for yourself. The next story is a great example of that.

USE COMMUNICATION DEXTERITY TO SOLVE PROBLEMS AND GET WHAT YOU WANT (NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE)

While on big vacations, I generally try to stay away from my work phone. As a woman with 2,944 unread emails (many from bad PR professionals who send blast messages about stories I’d never consider covering, like, true story, offering me a free lip plumper to achieve a Kylie Jenner–sized pout) and a dozen unopened text messages, I believe in occasional disconnecting. By checking my phone only once a day while on vacation, I allow my brain to reset, I feel relaxed, and I’m ready to tackle the onslaught of messages when I go back to work.

It was during a sightseeing trip to the Parthenon I glanced down at my inbox while in line for a packet of roasted nuts from a weathered looking street vendor. There, at the top, was a message from my assistant news director asking if I’d like to head to Washington, DC, for the upcoming Brett Kavanaugh hearing two days later. A rough itinerary was included in the body of the message.

My husband looked horrified after I handed him the phone. As a professional poker player, he worked whenever the tables online were juicy. We were used to rearranging plans at the drop of a hat. (This is why we work so well: we understand what we do is important and support it however we can.) But the proposed schedule sounded bonkers. Our vacation itinerary had us set to leave Greece the next day, which was fine. But after a three-hour flight to Germany, nine-and-a-half-hour flight to Chicago, and four-hour flight to San Francisco, it seemed grueling and insane to only spend seven hours on the ground before flying across the country to DC. Not to mention, I’d be cutting my vacation time one day short. Just the thought of it all made me exhausted.

Did I want to do it? Yes and no. It would be much easier to just go home, take my day off and get a manicure, eat a slice of my favorite pizza, and go back to life as usual. But on the other hand, this would be a chance to witness an historic hearing and subsequent vote on a Supreme Court Justice. It would be a chance for me to showcase my abilities to cover hard-hitting political cases (not just the debut of the world’s stinkiest flower) and do it for a large audience in almost every newscast on Thursday and Friday. I knew I had to respond to the email ASAP, since this was a hot assignment and one that would be gobbled up by someone else if I declined. But not under the terms proposed.

Complaining doesn’t even come to mind anymore when situations like this arise. Not only does it waste time and accomplish nothing (except make you look like a whiner), but after years of working with different managers, I know that no matter their personalities or reactions, complainers never win. Instead, when faced with a conflicting situation, I go into an instant three-step problem-solving mode.

Step One: Figure out what you want.

When friends and colleagues are having a hard time making a decision about something, I ask them, “What do you want?” More times than not I get a furrowed brow and a slight shoulder shrug response. You’d be surprised at how often we get clouded by initial reactions and emotion that we don’t clearly spell out why we are reacting the way we do.

In this case, I was caught way off guard. Covering politics was the last thing on my mind and being in the air for so long journeying home seemed outrageous. Who wanted to spend unneeded time in the air, like flying from Greece to San Francisco only to double back and go to DC? It didn’t make sense. For cutting my vacation time short, I also wanted an extra day off somewhere. This was a reasonable, logical ask that perhaps the planning team at the station didn’t address or think of because of the immediacy of the story.

Step Two: Find solutions before problems.

Preparedness is your preemptive solution to opposition to your proposal. Having the foresight to be armed with an immediate answer before your solution can be challenged shows your conviction for your proposal. It also convinces people that you’ve spent time thinking out your ideas. In the Kavanaugh case, I took 10 minutes to search flights from Chicago to DC and knew staying a night in a hotel in Chicago and the flight cost would be about the same price as if I were to fly from SFO to Dulles on that crazy seven-hour turnaround flight. My plan would cost the same but would leave me well-rested and more ready to work a crazy 18-hour shift the next day.

Step Three: Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about them.

When you make your case for your plan, do so succinctly and with conviction, and remember even though it is about you, it’s just as much about making life easier and better for the person you are working with. Just as if you’re pitching an idea for a new client trying to earn their business, you want to give off the utmost confidence that your idea is not only a smart plan but the only plan to make the end goal a success for the rest of your team.

Less than 30 minutes after proposing the plan to my manager, my administrative assistant had me booked on the flight to Chicago I wanted and at a hotel conveniently located near a place where I could rent a dress for the occasion (my suitcase was filled with shorts and swimsuits, not DC business wear), and as a bonus I could have dinner with a friend who lived in the city. The trip ended up being one of my favorite assignments of my career: chasing down senators on Capitol Hill, meeting passionate changemaking women who had traveled from around the country to make their opinions heard, and doing it all with a photographer who was as enthusiastic and excited to be there as I was. And it worked out for the station, which got a lot of positive feedback from viewers who were impressed to see their local station dedicate the time and energy to the cause. It was a win-win for everyone.

By navigating these problems into a solution using these steps, you’ll also benefit beyond solving the issue at hand. It also helps build your reputation as someone who doesn’t need to whine, moan, or groan but is self-sufficient and easy to get along with. When you can process and execute what needs to be done to make everyone happy, you demonstrate your willingness to be a team player, and that’s an important thing to be able to communicate in any career.