Reacting 101

Sounds Basic, but It’s Everything

YEAH, YEAH. We’ve all heard the sayings about reactions to events: Loose lips sink ships! Think before you speak! Never let them see you cry/sweat! I am woman, hear me roar! To some extent, these things are true. It’s probably not a good idea to talk about your manager’s foul egg-salad body odor to his assistant. Or to call out the IT guy as a creeper when he holds your hand in a handshake a little too long. But we’ll get to that part later.

Ladies, you already know this.

But what we don’t realize is that every encounter we have in the workplace is like a performance review . . . and that review may not come from our bosses, but from our peers and those who are watching these interactions happen. We are constantly being judged on our abilities to get along with others and be trustworthy and valuable to the organization. The magic of communicating to get the success you want starts with identifying the reactions of others, so you can properly respond yourself. Because half the battle in staying alive (we can talk about thriving after we’ve figured out how to just survive) in a workplace chock-full of people with varying opinions, skill levels, and backgrounds is learning how to react to the odd, awkward, and downright crappy situations and interactions that may come your way.

UH, EXCUSE ME: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? (HOW TO DEAL)

As I was growing up in a traditional Chinese household, my parents taught me it was best to avoid ruffling feathers in the face of adversity. I think this came from their early years in the United States, when they feared being deported. They would tell me cliffhanger stories of their first few years living in Texas before I was born and how neighbors would throw eggs at their windows and call out to them using racial slurs. I’d beg, “Then what happened, ma?” which almost always resulted in an anticlimactic response of, “Nothing.” And it was on to the next topic. In their eyes, keeping my head down, working hard, and doing my best would always yield success! As a chemist, my dad was the perfect bookworm in school who studied hard and then regularly worked 12-hour days to advance in his career. This was just how they were brought up and how they chose to define their path to workplace triumph.

While this was perfectly fine for my parents and perhaps those of their generation, the pendulum swings far the other way for women today. We’re constantly being told to “speak up!” and firmly beat our chests to be heard. “Hear me roar!” Be your baddest bad-ass bitch! (Aren’t you sick of these affirmation T-shirts yet?)

Unfortunately, even though this is the message we’re receiving, speaking our mind doesn’t always fly in the workplace.

When I started working, it took a long time for me to learn how to stand up for myself in the right way. At first, I didn’t think I had a right to protest or fire back because of my age and (lack of) experience level. When I did become experienced enough where I felt like I could respond, I went to the opposite extreme and was unnecessarily combative.

There were so many inappropriate, awkward interactions, and I had no idea how to be ready for them. There was the client who insults Greek people (“They all smell like feta cheese!”) not knowing my husband is Greek. The boss who asked me to compromise my ethics and exaggerate numbers and figures from a research document. And my favorite: the on-air coworker who was shamed after gaining several pounds when a manager accused her of carrying twins. All true stories.

I quickly learned that it wasn’t actually about having the biggest voice, but rather having the right one. Whether it’s by sassing someone back, getting creative in how to gradually nudge a coworker, or sometimes by being still and doing nothing, there’s a way to handle these situations where you don’t compromise your own ethics, values, and beliefs or get labeled a combative, raging maniac. There is a way to react to situations where you can feel totally in control.

REACTIONS: USE YOUR EMOTIONS THE RIGHT WAY

Let’s be honest. The idea of being “controlled” or trying to “control” anything doesn’t sound fun. Nothing is more abhorrent than a controlling significant other who doesn’t allow you to go out with your friends on a Friday night. Or a controlling parent who won’t let you go outside and play but instead forces you to stay inside, plinking away at piano keys for hours until you perform the sonata by memory. (I speak from experience on that one.) Or even the self-control to not eat the entire block of aged Irish cheddar, even though you know how good it tastes. This is why I detest the idea of controlling your reactions and emotions, which is the advice my parents doled out when I tried to talk to them about workplace issues. “Ay-yahhhh. Didi, just control your anger! It’s that easy!” my dad would smile. That never worked. Instead, I think of it as training yourself to have the discipline to use your reactions correctly. Because when you do, some pretty powerful things can happen. It all starts with understanding the potential in a reaction.

The Power of a Reaction: In storytelling, the magic, the hook, the most compelling part is in the reaction. The joy on a little boy’s face when his father comes home from deployment. The shock of a new mom and dad to be discovering they’re having triplets. This happens in the news world all the time. Ever notice how the camera always zooms in on someone crying or laughing hysterically? I once had a producer who would, in all seriousness, ask the team after we came back from a day of shooting in the field, “Did you make tears flow today?” in a half-joking-yet-not-joking-insensitive way. Simply said: reactions have power. Choosing how to use your first reaction is the beginning step in effectively getting what you want.

While reactions in the workplace may not be as emotionally charged as the examples I just gave, recognizing others’ reactions and calibrating yours can be the difference between landing a big contract, getting a “no” and not making your monthly quota, or winning the support of a higher-up who has never noticed you before.

Adjust Emotionally: Act and React Like the Pro You Are

Years ago, a news manager who was trying to get me to sign another contract at the television station with no raise told me I would never be able to land a job as good as the one I had. In hindsight, this manager’s intentions weren’t to be cruel. He just really wanted me to stay at the station and get away with not paying me the raise I should have gotten in order to stay. But in the shock and anger of the moment, without thinking, I started sobbing. How dare he devalue my skills and say I wasn’t skilled enough or talented enough, or anything enough to find a higher-ranking position that paid more than my current salary?

My rage and disappointment were so strong, they didn’t brew inside me. They exploded. In-between ugly, guttural sobs, I went off the rails, ranting how, actually, stations across the country had already expressed interest in having me come in for an interview. Bigger ones that paid much more. The result of this Niagara Falls of a reaction? The manager ended up calling my agent shortly afterward to inform him an ultimatum was in place. Either renew my contract at a flat pay or leave.

In hindsight, that experience was a disaster. Deep down, I didn’t want to stay because I was hitting a professional wall and not growing. There was no challenge to the work. Knowing there were more lucrative jobs available on the horizon meant I had an opportunity to explore new options. But my explosive, messy, snotty-nosed response just escalated the situation and caused me to divulge secrets about my job search and sent an ugly message to my boss that I was not the leader he thought I was.

But there was a leader within me. It just happened to get bogged down by the emotional gut-punch. There’s a leader within you, too—it just needs to be unleashed. Read on for your 101 on how to turn that seemingly devastating/unexpected/upsetting encounter around to make your moment.

Train Your Brain to Wait a Minute . . . or Maybe 1,440 (Prevent the Knee-Jerk)

As a reporter, the knee-jerk reaction is usually the best video and sound bite you’ll get. It’s the response immediately after something wonderful/violent/unjust happens. How can we not be transfixed by intoxicated and elated Philadelphia Eagles fans climbing greased telephone poles after winning the Super Bowl? Or be captivated by a young woman who discovers she has a long-lost twin after taking one of those at-home DNA tests?

But the problem with reacting without thinking in the workplace is that your emotions aren’t fully processed and fleshed out, so they may not be accurate. Rioters who are protesting the minimum wage certainly aren’t thinking through why they’re setting a car on fire or thinking about the consequences of doing it. Instead, their pent-up frustrations at the government brim over into violent, angry acts when there are other ways to take a stand and get your voice heard with a little thinking and brainstorming. It’s only after they get arrested and charged with disorderly conduct that they realize their spur-of-the-moment reactions didn’t serve them so well.

The same applies to the workplace.

When I get an email that infuriates or frustrates me, I never respond right away, or even an hour later. Instead, I’ll give myself the satisfaction of typing out my initial response but not pressing send. By waiting a full day, I let the true meaning of what happened that prompted the email sink in and process. After waiting 1,440 minutes, I revisit the email and 100 percent of the time, I never send the first draft. Allowing the emotion to temper with a bit of time usually results in a response that’s a more thought-out and intelligent reaction that can lead to a solution instead of creating a bigger problem. (You’ll read about my own professional, or should I say unprofessional email flop later.)

When it comes to real-life conversations, you may not always be able to wait a full day, or even five minutes, to respond. But you can at least take a breath, excuse yourself temporarily (there is no shame in admitting that the three caramel lattes you had before work necessitate an immediate trip to the restroom), or ask to revisit the subject at a later time. In hindsight, I should have suggested my boss talk about money directly to my agent and politely excused myself from the conversation.

Practice conscious pausing. Doing so will eventually become second-nature and you’ll find your responses more fully developed and appropriate for the situation at hand.

USE EMOTIONALLY CHARGED REACTIONS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE

Every business professional, mentor, or friend will tell you not to cry at work under any circumstances. But I’m a crier. As a child my mother told me Chinese girls weren’t supposed to cry unless their mother dies. My mom’s harsh approach had the opposite effect—I started crying at everything, even a papercut. But later on, after the botched contract-renewing conversation, I discovered by accident that whenever I was upset or unhappy with someone’s actions or words, a slight show of sentiment could hammer home my point more effectively than if I were to deliver my response stone-faced. Allowing just a tiny prickle of tears to form behind my eyes but not quite fall conveys the seriousness of a situation, or how hurt I am without having to go into full-on snotty-nosed “where’s my tissue” weepy mode. Before you label me as manipulative, hear me out. I’m showing genuine passion and feelings, not trying to deceive or put on a facade. When you’re truly frustrated, angry, or upset, tears may be your actual response. They’re just adjusted down to the point where your message can be heard loud and clear and not caught up in the fog of a full-on sob session.

It’s also not just the tears that can be effective. Kind of how growing up my mom—and probably your parents, too—would give me a look that said, “Didi, you in big trouble!” With a slight frown or furrow of a brow, you can show disappointment and can send a signal to the other person that you’re not pleased without having to say anything at all.

In the end, what the manager did was not effective on many levels. He should not have talked to me about finances in that manner, and instead of using a negative (me not being able to find a “better” job), he would have been more successful with some positive reinforcement and encouragement to stay. “Dion, your recognition score is high, and we appreciate your hard work. We’d really like you to stay on for many years.”

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I did get a job better than the one I had. A larger market, that paid almost double.

TALKING BODIES: THE SUBTLE VISUAL CLUES THAT GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT

News Flash: The words that come from someone else’s mouth are just a small indication of how they’re really feeling. Just like the watering of the eyes I mentioned in the previous section, there’s a lot that can be told from a person’s tiny, sometimes nearly undetectable body language. You just need to know how to look out for it.

Watch the Eyes

Watching someone’s eyes is one of the most crucial ways to learn how to react. Notice subtle cues like eyes drifting, shifting, or glazing over. Whenever this happens, I know whatever I’m saying is not interesting and it’s my job to either (1) present the content in a more riveting fashion (because what’s the point of continuing if someone’s zoning out and not absorbing what you’re saying) or (2) it’s time to change the subject. (More on capturing and maintaining the audience’s attention later.) When there’s a total lack of eye contact, you can even go so far as to say, “I won’t take up much more of your time” or “I’ll let you go in a second . . .” or just ask a question right back, which allows the other person to talk and give his or her own answer (because nobody thinks their own answer is boring!). This technique re-focuses the person so that when it’s your time to speak again, he or she will be paying better attention.

The Twinge

As someone who asks a lot of questions for her job—and many of them difficult ones—I’m always attune to any signs of discomfort or displeasure. The split-second frown or cocking of the head to one side are among the signs that what you’re saying isn’t sitting well with the other person.

Sometimes the reaction is pretty obvious, like when I asked the attorney for a tech company why the company didn’t remove bullying comments from its website. At first her eye started pulsating. As she continued avoiding my questions, she started briskly walking away. Chances are, you’re never going to escalate an interaction to what I did next: chasing the woman down the street, thrusting a microphone in her face, using brut verbal strength to get her to’fess up to her company’s wrongdoings. This was not real everyday life. But since your goal is to have a civilized, successful conversation where the other person comes away having heard what you said and feeling positive, as soon as that first twitch, neck rubbing, or forced smile appears, know it’s time to change the subject, go into damage control, and use kid gloves.

THE ART OF BEING BLUNT (EAST COASTING)

Here in California, I can spot them from a mile away. East Coasters. Particularly people from New York City and Boston. And having grown up in Connecticut, I consider myself to be one. East Coasters have mastered the art of reaction. Maybe not in the way where road rage–charged drivers will step out of their cars to fistfight in the street (yes, I have seen this on several occasions) or how I once witnessed a man thwack a taxi with his briefcase when the cab failed to yield for a pedestrian. There is something useful to be gleaned from the in-your-face fearlessness and the fast pace of folks from the major cities in the Northeast.

In every newsroom I’ve worked in, people know I’m coming around the corner based on my footstep frequency, which hits the pavement at a 1.5- to 3-times speed compared to everyone else. Decades ago psychologists Marc and Helen Bornstein proved there is a correlation between walking speed and the pace of life in a city. This escalated pace is my signal to the world that I’m busy and on a mission and can’t take time to stop and chat about your weekend/dog’s neutering/why astronauts grow six inches while living in space at zero-gravity.

This being said, when I get caught in someone’s verbal vortex (when someone just can’t stop talking and the whirlwind of words traps me in their cyclone) I usually excuse myself and walk away with conviction, as if I have something important to do. The other person usually understands. However, sometimes despite the social cue as loud as a foghorn there will be people who just don’t get it.

This brings me to a well-intentioned colleague we’ll call Gerald. You probably have your own Gerald. You know, the coworker who, when you see him walking toward your desk, your first inclination is to get up and speed walk to the restroom to avoid engaging in any kind of conversation. Or rather, to avoid being the victim of his word waterfall, which usually has to do with his childhood growing up in Tanzania, or what he made himself for dinner the night before.

So it began with my Gerald. The exchanging of pleasantries and asking how my weekend was. Without listening to my response, Gerald dove deep into his day’s one-way conversation. This time it was about eco-friendly gardening and the importance of composting. (The man clearly possesses a wide range of interests.) Intentionally turning my shoulders away from him, making uninterested-sounding murmurings, and not engaging about my own composting habits didn’t seem to faze him. He just kept going. Gerald was at the point of telling me about the difference between conventionally produced fertilizers and independently sourced manure when I got desperate and decided to get up and briskly walk toward the restroom. He would surely get the idea and leave me alone. But to my horror, as I excused myself rather abruptly, he followed me around the corner, down the hall, and kept talking even as I opened the restroom door. He kept talking after I went inside and waited for me after I was finished! It was unreal. Then and there I decided I could stay subtle no longer. Something had to be done or I would never finish my assignment now . . . or ever. I had to channel my East Coast personality.

As he followed me back to my desk for round two of unilateral random talks, I turned around and physically stopped him in his tracks. Firmly but with a kind tone, I said to Gerald, “Hey, can we pick up this conversation again later? I’ve got so much to do today and I’m running behind!”

To my surprise, Gerald nodded and without missing a beat said, “Oh yeah, sure. I’ve got so much to do, too. Thanks for the chat! We’ll catch up again soon!” Amazing. The three-minute beeline to the ladies room may have set me back three minutes, but it also prompted me to realize how sometimes it’s best to just be direct with even the most well-intentioned colleagues. That trip to the restroom helped me realize not everyone can pick up on social cues like I could. Instead of being overly sensitive in not hurting someone’s feelings, a well-phrased, polite but blunt message can solve this and many other office challenges.

REACTION REGRET (THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE)

So, what happens if your reaction wasn’t the right one? If only there was a magical wand that allows you to erase a phrase as it comes out of your mouth. Or a feature where emails and text messages could magically retract and un-send themselves. Or spontaneously combust, “Mission Impossible”–style, before the intended recipient actually receives and reads it.

While I may not have ever sent drunken text messages to an ex (or at least not that I remember), the gut response and knee-jerk reactions to fire off an email can have serious consequences. I learned this the hard way in the summer of 2014.

This was the time when the idea of pouring frigid ice water over someone’s head to raise money for ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, morphed into a dare that swept the country and the world. These short, oftentimes hilarious videos went viral, raising $115 million and the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge officially became the trendy thing to do.

TV news talent were not immune. (If you Google “Ice Bucket Challenge TV news anchors,” you will find videos of hundreds of on-air talent having water poured over their coiffed hairdos and pressed suit jackets.) So when I offered in the afternoon meeting to do a story on the movement and then participate with my coanchor, before I could even utter the word “challenge,” I was shocked to be abruptly cut off.

“Uh-uh. We are not doing something everyone has already done before. It’s old news. We’re moving on,” barked a manager.

I was furious. Not only had the manager not allowed me to finish my sentence, she humiliated me by shooting me down in front of my whole team. On top of it, I knew deep down I was right. The story wasn’t old. There were many ways to make it fresh with local angles and new study results. My colleagues even approached me after the meeting and said they were on my side.

Without thinking, feeling invincible after the reinforcement from my counterparts, I fired off an email to the entire newsroom which said, in part: “Reasons why the ice bucket challenge matters.” The email was written almost entirely in bold, capital letters . . . and in a 72-point font size. It listed not only different angles to the story we could cover, but included links to stories by other stations across the country. It was more background research than was needed for a documentary, let alone for a 90-second TV news story. In hindsight, this was absurd on many levels, but at the time, in the heat of the moment, all I wanted to do was lash out in a passive aggressive email.

I hit “send.”

This, I shamefully admit, was a very, very bad move. My boss called me into the office that day and said I was out of line and showed poor leadership. What I really wanted to do was scream back at the top of my lungs, “But I’m right! Everybody thought I was right!” But instead, I just looked stone-faced at her, trying to cover up my defensiveness for lashing out via email. It took several months to win back her trust and the trust of my news team. Had I taken a couple of hours to process the events of the morning and instead sent a private email to my manager making my case for why the story was timely and valuable, I could have avoided this entire uncomfortable mess. So, what are some of the strategies you can do if you face a similar situation?

Force Yourself to Step Back

This is often the hardest thing to do in the heat of the moment. As I mentioned earlier in this chapter, I got into the habit of writing the email I’d like to send (it’s important you do not include the recipient’s email address just in case you accidentally hit “send”) and then immediately minimizing the window. Not visually seeing the email and then forgetting about it for an hour or two did wonders because once I would revisit the draft, I’d realize how badly it was written, or how my point of view had softened. More times than not, I’d realize an email wasn’t necessary at all, or it would need to be overhauled and sent with a clear head.

Responding IRL (Text Slang for “In Real Life”): Face It Head-On

If the Ice Bucket Challenge incident was an example of how to take pause and think things through before reacting via email, what about in real life? There is no “draft” button to partially say what you want to get off your chest. There is no hiding behind a computer screen to avoid someone in the office. You sometimes need to face things head-on, and immediately.

Remy was in charge of entering reporter graphics into stories before each newscast. A 1970s music enthusiast who had been to practically every Grateful Dead concert in the band’s history, she was known for wearing giant Beats by Dre headphones while working. This was such a strange dichotomy; we all would stop by her desk and joke that she was listening to Eminem or Lil’ Kim instead of groovy California-hippie rock. Remy was easygoing except for the golden hour before each newscast. The incense-sniffing flower child would morph into a high-strung, perpetually stressed woman of Wall Street.

One day, when I was racing against the clock to get my story out of editing and into the server for airtime, I asked Remy if she could assist in entering the name graphic of a disgraced gymnastics coach into my story. I knew she wouldn’t be happy, but I didn’t feel I had any choice. I still had so many other things to do, like write a web script and Tweet! My fears were affirmed, and she yelled back, “Why don’t you learn how to do it yourself? I’m so busy right now!”

Woah.

Dumbfounded by Remy’s unexpected, out-of-character outburst, I stopped what I was doing, maniacally banged on my keyboard to enter in my own name graphic and subtitle. Graphics is not my strong suit and it took me at least three times as long as it would have for Remy. Sure, we reporters were encouraged to do things like this ourselves, but we work as a team and our number one priority job was to file the story. There were always producers and assistants around who were supposed to be ready in a pinch to help us to the finish line.

With the clock tick, tick, ticking, I hit “save” and realized I had just gotten the name in by a hair-splitting, nail-biting, breathless 17 seconds. My Asian DNA and lack of enzymes to process alcohol usually means I don’t drink often but after that stomach acid–inducing experience, I needed a double on the rocks. Of anything.

Once my heart stopped pounding, I sat back and thought about how to proceed. There were a few ways to deal with this. Part of me wondered if I should just sweep this incident under the rug and forget about it. Surely Remy and I would go back to joking about rappers and thug music tomorrow. But I knew this problem needed to be taken care of right away. If you have these situations at your office, you need to deal with them as well—and here’s why:

Is there a chance the scenario will happen again?

In my case, Remy and I overlapped shifts three days a week and I couldn’t avoid her forever. There would undoubtedly be another time where I’d have to ask her for graphics again. Maybe if I knew she was a one-time client or patient I would never treat again, I would let it go . . . but I passed by Remy’s tie-dyed workspace almost daily.

It affects your workflow and psyche going forward.

It does not create a positive workplace to have the uncomfortable feeling of unresolved issues with someone who is crucial to your workflow. Incidents like this get ingrained in your mind and make for awkward elephant-in-the-room vibes.

Like the emails strategy of waiting a short period before responding, I finished out the newscasts for the night and strode over to Remy’s patchouli-scented desk. She was eating her dinner and looked up when I casually said, “Hey, are we cool?” Turns out her busy deadline-in-mind mindset caused her not to even realize how abrasive she had been toward me. She even thanked me for taking the time to talk to her to see if everything was alright and we’ve been cool ever since.

No Offense, But Yeah, I’m Offended

Why do some people feel the need to say “no offense” before proceeding with insulting you? Is that phrase somehow supposed to soften the blow of a dis? Those two words, according to Merriam-
Webster dictionary, are words “used before a statement to say that one does not want the person or group that one is speaking to feel hurt, angry or upset by what one is about to say.” But typically what follows does make people feel “hurt, angry and upset.” Shouldn’t we all be civilized enough to choose words what wouldn’t offend in the first place so there is no need for this kind of phrase? Because honestly, those two words do not preemptively excuse you from directly insulting another person.

A photographer once told me, “No offense, but you’re kind of a pushover. I mean, if you had more experience you’d know this story was not a good one and you would have said something to the managers.” While I wasn’t offended, his comment simply wasn’t true. Little did he know, an entire morning meeting full of managers from different departments thought the story (something to do with heavy traffic due to a day of festivals and an impending mega tech conference) was a must-run for the day. Oh, and the experience part? The guy had a mere three more years expertise than I and one of those years didn’t count because he was working in the sports department, not news.

Suddenly, the light bulb went off in my head. This dude wasn’t even trying to hide his disparaging remarks. He was taking out his disdain for the story on me. These kinds of people don’t justify an answer but can be put in their place rather easily with the proper neutral approach.

Completely deadpan I said, “News judgment varies a lot. I know photographers don’t usually get to be in the morning meeting like managers and have their say.”

My reaction was purposefully neutral because I didn’t want to make him feel defensive and have the urge to insult me again. Plus, if he answered the question (which I’m sure he did, silently in his mind at least) he would see that he had no excuse to complain about the assignment or accuse me of poor story selection since he didn’t proffer up a better story or offer feedback to the team on what he deemed worthy of covering.

You can bet that was the last time he ever called me a pushover to my face. Remember: If someone is being disrespectful and completely off base, you don’t always have to answer head-on. Responding with a comment (not a question) that doesn’t address the disparaging remark at all, yet gets them to question what they just said can be a most effective tool in sending a message that you cannot and will not allow this to happen again.

POWER OF BEING STILL (STAY SILENT TO GET THE LOUDEST RESULTS)

Sometimes the most powerful reaction is none at all. I know. This sounds counterintuitive. Why would I write a book on communication and preach the efficacy of doing nothing? Because communicating efficiently is equal parts words, actions, and making choices. And sometimes, that choice is realizing that being still makes the loudest impression.

The Knee-Jerks and Yellers (Not the Name of an Indie Band)

Little did I know when I picked up the phone to take my executive producer’s (EP for short) phone call my eardrum would be on the verge of bursting.

“I TOLD YOU THE STORY NEEDED TO BE IN 20 MINUTES BEFORE THE NEWSCAST! WHAT DIDN’T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT? UNNNGGGGHHHH. GOODBYE!”

Frantically, with the phone still pressed to my ear, I glanced up at the clock in the live van and panicked. It was 18 and a half minutes before the 11 p.m. newscast. My story was being fed into transmission a whole 90 seconds past my EP’s requested time. To top it all off, this was still my first week on the job.

I had never in my life had to submit a story a whopping 20 minutes before showtime (usually anywhere between 5 and 10 minutes early was considered the norm) and I was willing to bet no other station in the country required this either. Since I was the new kid, still learning the new computer systems and feeling out different personalities, I didn’t know how to react to her harsh tone.

Yelling is something I can’t stand (and almost never do) because it never accomplishes anything. Instead of productivity and motivation and teamwork, it creates fear, animosity, and an unhappy work environment. A former news director once mandated the on-air team “not be afraid to yell to get your point across” to writers and producers who made typos or errors in our scripts. After trying it once and nearly making my usually gruff, rugged, grown male producer in a tattered Ozzy Osbourne sweatshirt cry, I didn’t have the heart to do it again. Turns out, talking to someone directly and in the right tone (not at a decibel level akin to a jackhammer) is much more effective and empowering.

And having this person yell at me was not something I was willing to put up with. At this point in my career I wasn’t afraid to stand up for myself or put my foot down to say, “Yelling at me is wrong and disrespectful. Do not do it again.” So I was ready to give her a piece of the business.

As I picked up the phone and relayed to Jordan, my photographer, what I was about to do he thrust out his hand and blocked the phone’s dial pad. He said, “Stop. You don’t even have to tell me. Teena does this to everyone.” Jordan continued, “This isn’t how to do it. She doesn’t respond to confrontation.”

So what did she respond to? According to Jordan, nothing. It would take me about six months to earn her trust through consistent hard work. I’d have to show her I was good at my job and could submit stories absurdly early and only then could I submit my stories 10 minutes before deadline without feeling Teena’s wrath.

Turns out Jordan was right. By month three Teena’s megaphone mouth had tempered and by month six we were chatting about our love of late-night takeout Thai food and how we’ve seen every episode of “The Golden Girls.” Never again was I required to submit my story 20 minutes before deadline.

Ultimately, do I think her yelling is a problem, wrong, and something that it doesn’t belong in a workplace? Absolutely. But if she had lasted at the station for 25 years and won the team a multitude of awards and recognition, I suppose it was something that could be dealt with—for six months at least.

Still Be Still

It can be one of the hardest things to do to not respond to someone who has challenged you. Not doing anything to defend myself during my break-in period with Teena nearly drove me to pulling out my hair in frustration some nights. It feels like being on a low-carb/paleo/trendy diet and walking past one of those mall cinnamon bun shops where the scent of sticky sweet pastries made from refined white flour wafts through the air and acts like a pastry magnet. It takes every ounce of brute strength and willpower not to respond or react and to eat the banana instead. In the end, you feel proud of yourself and even more accomplished when you don’t feel bloated the next day.

But first, before you can ever put being still into practice, know when to use this technique. Not everyone is open to talking things through and solving problems. Nor are they deserving of your energy and time.

Use Calculated Silence When It’s Deserved

“He what!?” I exclaimed into the phone as a line of crabby people in need of their morning caffeine fix listened. I didn’t even care that they all turned their heads to see what crazy lady just had a mini-outburst in the middle of the Blue Bottle coffee shop. Without caring what everyone thought (or who recognized me from TV) I kept muttering over and over to myself: “I should have listened to my gut. I should have listened to my gut.” That phrase played on a continuous loop for weeks in my head after I got off the phone with a friend of mine who owned a large marketing company in San Francisco.

“Yeah, Dion. It was so weird. In my 38 years doing this, I’ve never encountered anyone who would do that. It definitely wasn’t a mistake,” said my friend.

Let’s rewind.

Just two weeks earlier, my friend took a meeting with a man named Vince, who I had met after he reached out to me on Insta-gram wanting to connect. Looking back, that was red flag number one. Usually, I found random men who reached out to me via social media wanting to have coffee/tea/lunch pretty alarming as they usually had ill intentions. After weeks of messaging, a coworker told me he was harmless and I should message him back and meet up for a meal. I had only worked with this colleague four, maybe five, times. That was red flag number two. After doing a little investigative journalism on Vince’s Instagram profile and saw he had a decent following for his sunset/landscape photography, I responded to his message and agreed to have avocado toast with him on my day off. Because he had so many fans, he must be an okay individual, right? Looking back, I had a sea of red flags just waving in my face, yet I didn’t see any of them before it was too late.

The lunch ended up going well and after he expressed wanting to meet more people and build his business connections for his photography, I offered to help introduce him to some of my cohorts. In return I asked him to take photographs at the community events I attended so I could use them for my social media, my website, and this very book. Over the course of several months we met regularly over coffee or food to plan out ways to collaborate. He took photos as I went on location for a Crazy Rich Asians screening and interviewed a former Olympian who was cohosting. He got to meet the athlete and the team and I had killer photos to document the evening. I invited him to all the events I participated in and for a while this seemed like a win-win.

But when he asked me to help a friend at a competing station build her brand in tandem with the nonprofit work I was doing, I flat out said, “No.” This woman didn’t have the best reputation and she was known for showing up late to events. This wasn’t the type of brand I wanted to associate with—plus, she was employed by my competition.

Vince’s response was to completely melt down via text. He accused me of being selfish, wouldn’t return my calls to hash out the situation, and said I was never his friend. My attempts to reach out so he could clarify what he meant and talk through his raging emotions were shut down with a “have a nice life” and passive-aggressive smile emoji. To make matters worse, he bailed on all of our open projects.

My marketing friend had set him up with an exclusive private tour of a San Francisco landmark building so he could take photos from 1,000 feet up in the air. Vince not only stood up the executive of the company, but my friend had to cover for his bad behavior. He also retracted his offer to help shoot a nonprofit’s inaugural gala. This one was particularly infuriating as he was letting down hundreds upon hundreds of young people with disabilities. Now that’s just selfish and cold.

My husband, Evan, seeing how hurt I was from Vince’s betrayal had to remind me almost daily for more than a week that I did nothing wrong. Evan helped me realize Vince didn’t deserve my friendship, help, or that of my network. After dedicating so much time and effort, and a wealth of resources to someone only to have him cut you off, refuse to engage in problem-solving, and then screw over your trusted friends, is very disheartening.

It is completely okay not to forgive and equally as okay not to forget. I don’t care how many books have been written on the subject or what Oprah has told us. It’s been drilled into my head to try to make amends whenever possible, but sometimes other people’s behavior is simply inexcusable! What if I had forgiven and forgotten about Vince’s unprofessionalism and it happened again, but to a much worse degree? It was simply not worth the risk and I never attempted to text or call him again. Months later, when he tried to rekindle our friendship by reaching out (and not apologizing), it was my turn not to respond, and I deleted his number for good.

This decision to stop engaging with someone who had caused so many issues ended up being a blessing. The beauty of communicating by not communicating is that the ball is in your court, and you hold the ability to focus on moving forward and kicking butt instead of wasting precious time and mental fortitude on how you’re going to navigate around someone else’s bad behavior! In lieu of dedicating more time to fixing a relationship with someone not deserving of it, imagine the possibilities of where your energy can go instead! In my case, the nonprofit ended up scoring not one but two great drama-free photographers to capture me on stage, after I raised nearly $50,000 for the cause without Vince’s help. Another nice side effect of choosing to cut off communication with those who don’t respect you or your craft? Motivation to succeed and the self-realization that you hold the power to thrive.