Step 2: Addressing the Emotions
IN THE PROCESS of uncovering the facts, you’ll want to also pay attention to the feelings behind the difficult situation. As you probably have noticed, difficult interactions trigger powerful emotions in the people involved. Those feelings may differ from person to person—even in the same situation.
Basic feelings are sad, glad, mad, afraid—and variations on those four. Positive feelings generally mean that needs are being met. For instance, we feel joy when we’ve completed a difficult assignment successfully. We have troubled feelings when our needs aren’t being met. For example, we may feel resentful when a colleague doesn’t complete an assignment after we’ve worked half the night.
In a difficult situation, it’s useful to identify and name the feelings you’re experiencing. If feelings are ignored or suppressed during a difficult interaction, they can come out in other ways—such as body posture, facial expressions, and long pauses. They can also make it hard for the participants to listen to one another. If such emotions become extremely intense, the people involved may simply avoid each other, because the unresolved feelings seem so threatening.
Addressing emotions involves more than just venting. How does one identify and share one’s feelings during a difficult interaction without blaming the other person or increasing your sense of vulnerability? The following steps can help.
Identifying your feelings
Naming the feelings you’re experiencing can be difficult. For one thing, you may have trouble putting labels on your emotions. If so, consider the following terms for negative feelings—and work to develop your “feelings vocabulary”:
| Impatient | Frustrated |
| Annoyed | Jealous |
| Defensive | Afraid |
| Sad | Ashamed |
| Fearful | Vulnerable |
| Betrayed | Hurt |
| Confused | Isolated |
| Embarrassed | Self-conscious |
| Angry | Disappointed |
| Anxious | Worried |
| Skeptical | Bewildered |
| Lonely | Nervous |
You may also have difficulty identifying your feelings if you tend to “hide” them in other comments during a prickly discussion with someone else. The table “Hiding your feelings” shows examples.
By expanding your feelings vocabulary and detecting unexpressed feelings and thoughts, you can more easily be fully present and responsible in a difficult interaction.
Hiding your feelings
| If you said ... | You may be ... | And you may be feeling ... |
|---|---|---|
| “The solution is for you to get these tasks done within budget.” | Rushing to solve the problem | Fear that you won’t get funding for a subsequent project |
| “You’re unbelievably apathetic.” | Characterizing the other person | Disappointed that the other person seems uncommitted to the work |
| “You should have supported my proposal at the meeting.” | Making judgments about how a peer is supposed to behave | Angry at a colleague who you thought backed your ideas |
| “Why did you ignore my memo about the new strategy?” | Making an attribution about someone else’s intent | Worried about your leadership abilities |
You can help the other person identify and describe his or her feelings as well. For example:
- Explore hints. “You mentioned an interest in being promoted. I wonder if you’re angry because I got the project and you didn’t.”
- Ask questions. “What else might be bothering you about this situation?”
- Offer observations. “I notice that you’re not looking me in the eye. Are you feeling embarrassed about how the presentation went?”
Reframing destructive thoughts
Difficult emotions and thoughts that trigger them are hard to bear. You don’t have to carry them around like a backpack. With some self-empathy and reflection, you can experience and dissolve difficult feelings in relative short order. Consider these techniques:
- Explore the other person’s intentions and facts. If you discover that your employee had good intentions and legitimate reasons when he decided not to show up at a weekly meeting, your annoyance may fade away.
- Examine your contributions to the problem. If you realize that you’ve advised employees to focus more on completing a project than on filling out paperwork, your frustration over late reports may lose its edge.
- Ask what assumptions are causing your feelings. If you find that your assumption that a colleague doesn’t value product quality as much as you do is mistaken, you may feel less anger over her tendency to take quality-control shortcuts.
- Feel and express your feelings. One reason that feelings turn into a “state” or mood is that we simply don’t feel and express them—to ourselves or others. When you’re scared, it makes a lot of sense to say to yourself or a colleague, “I feel a bit worried about this assignment,” and to have the other person simply witness and acknowledge your feeling, without having to change it.
Strategies for Transforming Angry Feelings into Productive Action
Anger can be one of the most intense and troubling emotions that come up during a conflict. The following strategies can help you manage anger effectively.
- Recognize that you have a right to feel anger and to express it—constructively.
- Commit to learning how to express anger constructively. Consider finding a coach who can help you.
- Watch for signs that you’re stuffing down angry feelings, such as the use of sarcasm, sniping, gossiping, or conspiring behind the other person’s back.
- Remember that the trigger to your anger is a behavior or situation—not another person.
- Dispel intense anger through harmless physical activity, such as hitting a cushion for several minutes. Or channel it into productive routine activities, such as cleaning up your office. Or work through it with a trusted friend who can help you identify the causes of your anger rather than stir it up further.
- Express anger constructively by describing your emotion to the person whose behaviors upset you, rather than making threats or accusations. For example, “When you missed two meetings in a row, I felt angry because other team members didn’t get the information they needed to carry out their part of the project. I couldn’t meet my need for integrity and effectiveness.”
- If you have trouble describing your anger to someone you work with, write down all the behaviors or situations that make you furious. Ask him or her to do the same. Get together to discuss the important items on your respective lists, taking turns and listening without interrupting.
Expressing feelings productively
After reframing destructive thoughts, name the feeling that you experience. Your goal is to express yourself honestly—without judging or blaming the other person.
Here’s an example: “I’m not sure if this makes sense, but when you ignored my memo, I felt doubts about my ability to lead this team. Then I started worrying that the project would fail. I found myself getting frustrated over not being able to move the work forward.”
Tip: To help dispel destructive thoughts and emotions
during a difficult interaction, remind yourself of a
humorous incident. You’ll reduce your anxiety. Consider
sharing the incident with the other party. You may ease
their anxiety too. Humor promotes relaxation
and openness to new ideas. Refrain from using inside
jokes, cultural allusions, or jokes that make light of
the other person’s issues or concerns.