What Are Difficult Interactions?
WORKPLACE INTERACTIONS AREN’T always easy. Everybody knows that. In fact, most human interactions—however transactional and routine—include some measure of uncertainty and wonder. That’s because we human beings do things not simply by instinct, but by choice. At choice points, we consider, however quickly and subconsciously, several variables. What do I want? Is there a threat? Do I trust the person I’m interacting with? What’s the quickest way to get what I want? And so forth.
Difficult interactions are those exchanges with other humans beings where the questions we’re asking ourselves don’t have quick answers. We experience uncertainty. Our uncertainty leads to a feeling of fear. We intuit that we may not be able to meet a need, and we enter a zone called threat. The Threat Zone.
Dealing effectively with our sense of threat and the difficult interaction occurring between ourselves and others is both an “inside job” and an “outside job.”
The inside job is about noticing and managing our automatic thoughts and feelings. It’s about slowing down and remembering that we deserve to have our needs met. The outside job is about treating the other person with respect and courtesy, and applying a few practical techniques for solving the problem (or simply completing a transaction) in a collaborative fashion.
Examples of difficult interactions
Let’s further our understanding of difficult interactions and how to make the best of a challenging situation, by asking and answering three questions:
- What does a difficult interaction look and feel like?
- Why do managers tend to avoid dealing with these difficult interactions directly?
- How can we address the barriers—internal and external—to dealing with them?
You’re arguing with a peer because you think he consistently shoots down your ideas. Two of your employees routinely attack each other verbally during meetings. Your boss makes sarcastic remarks to you and other managers. A customer regularly makes unreasonable demands on your team.
These are all difficult interactions. They have a few things in common: people are disagreeing, either directly or implicitly by their actions. At the moment, the resulting conflict may appear impossible to reconcile. You, as either a participant or an observer, feel stuck between two equally bad alternatives.
If you don’t deal with the situation, it may escalate to highly undesirable outcomes—including strained relationships, wasted time, and poor performance. If you do deal with it, the situation may escalate into even greater conflict, entrenched positions, and a major diversion of your attention.
As you may have noticed in the above examples, difficult interactions can arise between any two individuals: supervisor and direct report, two peers, or several members of a department or team. When such situations crop up between two of your direct reports—for example, several team members argue repeatedly over who’s responsible for what tasks, or one employee accuses another of not being committed to a project—you need to take action quickly. Otherwise, your team’s productivity may suffer.
Removing barriers to dealing with conflict
The table “Typical barriers to dealing with difficult interactions” lists several potential barriers and suggests a proactive approach for removing each type.
The price of admission to effective management is your willingness to tackle confrontations head-on. Despite the challenge, it’s part of your job to recognize situations in which people’s needs aren’t being meet, and the results are conflict and alienation. If you don’t do it, who will? A pattern of disagreements will undermine workplace relationships, eat away at motivation, and damage performance in your team or work group.
“I always prefer to believe the best in everybody—it saves so much time.”
—Rudyard Kipling
Typical barriers to dealing with difficult interactions
| Barrier | Proactive approach |
|---|---|
| Fear of interpersonal conflict | Acknowledge that although conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s a fact of life. Focus on the positive outcomes of addressing conflict. |
| Failure to recognize that you have a problem with another person in the workplace | Notice the quality of your workplace relationships. Ask which relationships seem tense, frustrating, or unproductive. Consider acknowledging that these relationships are hampered by difficult interactions. |
| The belief that a difficult interaction is the fault of others | Acknowledge your role in the difficulty. Identify what you can do to improve the situation. |
| The conviction that other people won’t change, even if you try to improve the situation | Remind yourself that you’re not trying to change another person. Rather, you want to alter the way the two of you interact. You can do that by changing your own behavior. |
| The desire to accept the status quo because you’re not prepared to manage the outcome of the situation | Evaluate whether the risks of the difficult interaction are worth the benefits of an improved situation. If they are, map out a plan and carry it out. |
| The belief that the problem will resolve itself | Remind yourself that most problems don’t resolve themselves. |
Understanding that improvement is possible
Though managing conflicts is challenging, the rewards are well worth the effort.
- Difficult interactions become easier to handle.
- You prevent these situations from escalating into crises.
- You engage in more productive interactions.
- You feel greater freedom to take action in tough situations, as well as a stronger sense of self-respect.
- You strengthen your workplace relationships.
Managing difficult interactions requires intention and attention. But you can master this important managerial responsibility. Some things on which to focus are:
- Which difficult interactions require prevention or intervention ? Which can I ignore or defer?
- What are the facts of the situation?
- What feelings are people expressing? What needs do people have that aren’t being met?
- How are people—through their words or actions—getting in the way of helping others meet some need?
- What are some options for solving the problem so that everyone’s needs can be met in some important way?