Step 4: Solving the Real Problem
YOU’VE HAD SOME preliminary conversations with someone about the conflict plaguing your working relationship. And you’ve agreed that you want to improve things. Now it’s time to conduct a conversation specifically geared to solving the problem. There are many ways to have this interaction. The approaches below will help you craft an enduring solution—rather than a one-time, temporary fix.
Framing the problem productively
As you discuss the difficulties between you and the other individual, keep framing the problem in productive ways. The table “Effective and ineffective framing” shows contrasting examples.
Sharing and listening
As you converse, continue sharing your viewpoint and listening, to understand the other person’s perspective. Apply these practices:
- Sharing. Cite the experiences, motivations, and emotions that are influencing your perceptions of the problem. Reaffirm your commitment to improving the relationship. Make it clear that you view the other person as a partner in the process of addressing the difficulties between you.
- Listening. Ask questions to probe for more information from the other person about his or her experiences, motivations, emotions, and perceptions. Use paraphrasing to test your understanding of what you’re hearing. Acknowledge the feelings behind any accusations or criticisms you hear.
Your goal in sharing and listening is to piece together a picture of how the two of you got into the difficult situation.
Effective and ineffective framing
| Framing principle | What you might say | What not to say |
|---|---|---|
| Describe your difficulties as differences between you, not character flaws. | “Joan, it seems you’ve been emphasizing the importance of staying within budget on this project. I’ve been assuming that meeting the interim deadlines is our top priority.” | “Joan, you don’t seem to care about keeping this project on schedule. You keep missing the interim deadlines we’ve established.” |
| Focus on perceptions, not presumed truths. | “Larry, to my mind, achieving the quality levels we’ve established means producing error- free reports.” | “Larry, we’ve got to aim for zero mistakes in the reports we’re producing. That’s what quality is all about.” |
| Emphasize contributions, not blame. | “Sarah, I’ve played my own part in this problem—by neglecting to let you know my priorities.” | “Sarah, you’re the one who didn’t understand the importance of for matting the proposal in the right way.” |
| Communicate feelings, not accusations. | “Peter, I feel frustrated when you don’t do what you said you would do for the project team.” | “Peter, you’ve really made me angry; you can’t be relied on follow through with commitments.” |
Steps for Using Active Listening
- Listen to the other person. Give the other person your full attention, resisting any urge to interrupt, plan your next comment, or judge the other person. Use nonverbal behavior—such as leaning forward and nodding—to demonstrate that you’re really listening.
- Get the other person to clarify his or her position. Ask openended questions to encourage the other person to clarify his or her position and interests regarding the issue that is at the heart of your conflict. Start your questions with phrases such as “Tell me about ...” “Explain . . .” “How do you feel about ...” “Describe ...” “What happened when ...”
- Paraphrase to show your understanding. Periodically paraphrase what you’re hearing, being sure to reflect the emotions as well as the content of the message. For example: “As I understand it, your position is ...” or “You seem to be concerned about ...” If the other person disagrees with your paraphrasing, ask him or her to clarify the point. Then paraphrase again to see whether you understand the message.
- Determine whether your interpretations are becoming more accurate. As the discussion progresses, listen for signals that your interpretations of what you’re hearing are becoming more accurate. Comments from the other person such as “That’s exactly what I meant” and “That’s right! I think you understand my problem” indicate that you’ve practiced good active listening. Body language such as smiling, nodding, and sighs of relief also suggest that you’re on the right track.
“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
—Albert Einstein
Developing a plan for change
To craft an effective plan for change, explore potential solutions that satisfy each side’s differing concerns and interests. For example, here’s how Matt, a manager, resolved a difficulty with Brenda, a direct report:
Matt: We’ve had our ongoing differences about whether it’s worth making these product demos. You know, I’ve never understood why it takes so long to get them out and why they’re so expensive.
Brenda: Well, we want to get it right, so we consult with all the parties involved. We hold focus groups and then go through several rounds of review—sometimes up to five rounds. This is all so we can produce the best product demo possible.
Matt: Ah. I think we have different perceptions about what’s critical. You’re focusing on quality, which I understand. But I’m looking at the bottom line. I’d rather get a very good and costeffective demo out in a timely manner than shoot for perfection.
Brenda: How good is “very good”?
Matt: Good enough for the customers to get a clear and compelling sense of the product ... Let me ask you this: how valuable are the focus groups?
Brenda: That’s hard to evaluate. People do disagree about their value. Sometimes we really need to find something out, and other times it’s more standard routine.
Matt: And the reviews? When do you stop getting critical feedback and start getting feedback to, you know, change a single word or use a slightly different color?
Brenda: I’d say ... round 4.
Matt: So, how about holding focus groups only when there’s a clear need and cutting the number of reviews to three? Would we end up with a quality that you could feel comfortable with? Brenda: Yes, I think I could live with that.
As with all action plans, you need to clarify how you’ll carry out your plan for managing a difficult situation with another person. That way, you can help ensure that the solution you’ve developed resolves the problem you’ve identified. Keep these principles in mind as you discuss ways to implement the plan:
- Determine how you’ll measure success. In Matt and Brenda’s case, they might decide to measure progress by comparing the number of focus groups held for the current demo against the number held for previous demos—to ensure that fewer focus groups are held. They might also check whether the number of reviews is in fact cut down to three, as they agreed. And they might determine how to assess demo quality—for example, by the number of questions that customers have after using a demo.
- Decide how you’ll communicate going forward. Will you meet once a week to discuss how things are going and make necessary changes to the action plan? Will you check with each other daily by phone or e-mail? How will you handle any tension that arises during these discussions? Will you establish ground rules, such as “No blaming or character judgments allowed”?
Practical Steps to Improve How You Manage Difficult Interactions
- Document your difficult interactions. Over a few weeks, keep track of difficult interactions you experience in the workplace. Record your observations in a notebook, indicating what caused each conflict, what happened during each situation, and what the outcome was.
- Identify patterns and explore your attitudes. Analyze your observations to determine whether they form a pattern. For example, do you tend to avoid conflict as much as possible? Let the other person have his or her way all the time? Promote win-lose situations rather than win-win?
Also think about your attitudes about difficult interactions. For instance, do you tend to assume that difficult situations are others’ fault? Believe that you have no hope of improving a difficult situation? Believe that problems will resolve themselves? Fear interpersonal conflict?
- Prepare an improvement plan. Identify ways to change unproductive attitudes toward difficult interactions. For example, remind yourself that most problems don’t resolve themselves, and that you’re not trying to change another person; you’re attempting to alter the way the two of you interact. To generate ideas for improving your ability to manage difficult interactions, talk with colleagues who are skilled at handling conflict, and read books on the subject. Consider getting coaching in conflict management.
Using what you’ve learned, define actions you’ll take to strengthen your skills. For example, will you ask a colleague to help you role-play an interaction about a particular conflict with an employee? Take a course on conflict management? Try dealing with a relatively minor difficulty and then move on to more challenging situations?
- Implement your plan. Carry out your plan, checking your progress at least once a week to ensure that you stay on track. Consider asking a trusted colleague to check in with you, to help ensure that you remain accountable for carrying out your plan.
- Assess your results. Once you’ve carried out your plan, document another few weeks’ worth of difficult interactions. Compare the results of your new style with those of your old style. Are you reaching more satisfactory agreements with fewer negative repercussions? Do you have more productive and realistic attitudes about difficult interactions? If not, move on to step 6.
- Make any necessary changes to your plan. Determine why you did not get good results from your previous plan. For instance, did you practice new conflict-management skills with overly challenging situations first, instead of starting with more manageable difficulties ? Using your insights, develop a revised plan for improving the way in which you manage difficult interactions. Carry out the plan and again assess your results, continuing to fine-tune your plan until you see positive results from your conflict-management style.