Tools for Managing Difficult Interactions

MANAGING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
Finding the Source of the Difficulty
Use this worksheet to help you isolate the sources of difficult interactions you’re experiencing with someone at work.
How does your perception of the situation differ from the other person’s?
How might the other person’s motivations differ from yours?
What do you find difficult about the other person’s work style?
What do you find difficult about the other person’s communication style?
Describe the issue at hand. What are your and the other person’s positions and interests regarding this issue?
What experiential, cultural, or other differences may be contributing to the problem?
Bottom line—what conclusions can you draw about the source of the difficulty?
MANAGING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
Deciding Whether to Deal with a Difficult Interaction
Use this worksheet to determine whether you should manage a difficult interaction or let it go.
How would you characterize the importance of your relationship with this person?
How will the difficult situation affect your ability to work with this person in the future? (Use a scale of 1–5, with 5 being the greatest impact)
Not at all——————————————————————————Tremendously
□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
If the two of you could successfully address the conflict, how much would it benefit your working relationship? (Use a scale of 1–5, with 5 being the greatest potential)
No benefit————————————————————————Enormous benefit
□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
How high are the stakes in your relationship with this person?
□ High □ Medium □ Low
Is your relationship with this person short term or long term?
□ Short □ Long
How likely is it that the relationship could be improved? (If one or both parties have deep emotional problems or a history of destructive behaviors with a wide range of people in many different situations, the relationship probably can’t be improved.) (Use a scale of 1–5, with 5 being most likely)
Not likely at all—————————————————————————Very likely
□ 1 □ 2 □ 3 □ 4 □ 5
What are the potential costs of addressing this difficult situation?
What are the potential benefits of addressing the situation?
Is the payoff worth the time commitment?
□ Yes □ No
MANAGING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
Assessing Perceptions and Behavior During a Difficult Interaction
Use this assessment to define a difficult interaction from your perspective as well as from the other person’s perspective.
What is the situation?
What experiences, information, motivations, interests, and assumptions are causing you to see the situation that way?
How does the other person see the situation?
What experiences, information, motivations, interests, and assumptions are causing the other person to see the situation that way?
Difference Resolution/Common Ground
© 2004 by Harvard Business School Publishing. All rights reserved. Based on a tool created by Interaction Associates.
MANAGING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
Discussing a Difficult Interaction
Use this tool to assess how effectively you’ve discussed a difficult interaction with the other person involved. For each statement, indicate “yes” or “no.”
During one or more interactions, the other person and I have ... Yes No
1. Discussed our differing interests in the issue at hand.
2. Acknowledged other differences, such as work or communication styles, motivations, perceptions about what’s critical, and experiential and cultural backgrounds.
3. Agreed that we want to improve matters between us.
4. Shared our impressions of what’s going on and the reasons behind our impressions.
5. Described the feelings we’re experiencing as a result of our difficulties.
6. Acknowledged concerns about self-image and meeting underlying needs that have cropped up because of the conflict.
7. Acknowledged that no one is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes.
8. Demonstrated active listening with one another—for instance, by asking questions, paraphrasing, and not interrupting.
9. Resisted the urge to blame, accuse, or judge one another.
10. Stated our individual contributions to the problem.
11. Found ways to defuse intense emotions—for example, by taking breaks and then returning to the discussion.
12. Framed the discussion in terms of differences, not character flaws.
13. Focused on differing perceptions, not presumed truths.
14. Worked to identify emotions hidden behind any accusations or judgments.
15. Worked to remove barriers to our ability to deal with the difficulty—such as fear of conflict or the belief that the problem will resolve itself.
On the basis of your responses, how effective would you say your interactions about the difficult interaction with the other person have been?
Consider the statements to which you responded “no.” What actions might you take in a subsequent interaction with this person to improve your skills at managing the difficulty?
MANAGING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
Creating a Plan for Change
Use this worksheet to create a plan for addressing difficult interactions with a particular person at work.
1. Describe the difficult situation.
2. List the differences (in motivations, interests, work styles, and so forth) that have led to the conflict.
3. List the potential solutions to the problem that you and the other person have discussed. Ask how well each proposed solution would satisfy both parties’ concerns and interests, even if partially.
4. Select the one best solution.
5. Clarify how you’ll implement the selected solution.
6. Explain how you’ll measure success. (How will you and the other person know that the difficulty between you has been resolved?)
7. Define ground rules for implementing the plan—for example, “Notify the other person several days ahead of time if we can’t make a scheduled meeting or discussion.”
8. Clarify how you’ll communicate going forward. (Will you and the other person meet weekly to discuss progress on the plan? Will you check in with each other by e-mail periodically?)
9. Describe how you’ll handle tensions or backsliding while implementing the plan, and how you’ll go about making needed revisions to the plan.
MANAGING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
Resolving a Difficult Interaction Between Employees
Use this worksheet to identify interemployee conflicts that merit intervention, to facilitate productive interactions between the individuals involved, and to identify strategies for coaching employees on better managing their difficult interactions.
Part I. Deciding Whether to Intervene
Statement Yes No
1. The conflict is between an assertive employee and a timid person.
2. The conflict is between two people of different rank.
3. The conflict has broadened beyond the two people to encompass additional staff members.
4. The conflict involves illegal conduct, such as sexual harassment or civil rights violations.
5. The individuals involved aren’t aware that their difficulties are causing problems with productivity.
6. The individuals involved are aware that their difficulties are causing problems, but they lack the ability to manage the difficulty themselves.
If you answered “yes” to any of the above statements, you’ll need to intervene in the problem. Proceed to part II.
Part II. Identifying People with Required Skills
Date of interaction:
Participants:
Participant 1’s view of the problem (include feelings, motivations, interests, and underlying needs):
Participant 2’s view of the problem (include feelings, motivations, interests, and underlying needs):
Areas of agreement:
Potential solutions (list how each alternative satisfies the disputants’ concerns and issues):
Problem-resolution plan:
Future meetings to check progress:
Part III. Coaching Employees in Conflict Resolution
Helping your employees to resolve a conflict is useful, but teaching them to manage difficult interactions themselves is even more useful. Below, identify how you will coach your direct reports to better handle difficult interactions themselves.
Employee Coaching Strategy

Test Yourself

This section offers ten multiple-choice questions to help you identify your baseline knowledge of the essentials of managing difficult interactions. Answers to the questions are given at the end of the test.

  1. Difficult interactions may escalate to highly undesirable outcomes in the form of strained relationships, wasted time, and declining performance. Two of the three statements below are also true about these difficult interactions. Which is the false statement?
    1. Many people feel reluctant to deal with confrontations.
    2. Not all confrontations are worth the time and energy required to manage them.
    3. Over time, the majority of confrontations resolve themselves.
  2. Many managers avoid dealing with conflict because they fear worsening the situation. Which of the following strategies would you use to overcome fear of conflict?
    1. Acknowledge that conflict is part of life, and focus on the positive outcomes of addressing conflict.
    2. Acknowledge that you’ve played a role in the problem situation that has come up between you and the other person.
    3. Identify actions you can take to begin improving the tough situation at hand.
  3. What is the primary cause behind most difficult interactions in the workplace?
    1. One person’s malicious intent toward another.
    2. An individual’s poor character or incompetence.
    3. Differences between people.
  4. Some disagreements arise because the people involved take different positions on an issue or have different interests regarding that issue. What are “interests”?
    1. A person’s stance on a particular issue.
    2. A person’s underlying desire or need regarding a particular issue.
    3. A person’s plans for resolving a particular issue.
  5. Your time and energy are limited, so you need to carefully evaluate which difficult interactions merit your attention and which should be let go. In which situation might you decide to try to resolve a particular series of conflicts with someone at work?
    1. You’ve noticed that the other person has a long history of troubled relationships with many people across a wide range of situations.
    2. You’ve learned that the other person is profoundly troubled emotionally.
    3. Your relationship with that person is long term, and the stakes are high.
  6. While discussing conflicts with the other person involved, you need to uncover the facts of the situation—or what’s really going on. Which of the following statements is true about this process?
    1. Each person’s experiences, assumptions about what’s important, and intentions will influence his or her perception of the facts.
    2. Each person in the conflict will have similar perceptions about what’s going on that has led to the difficult situation.
    3. One person is likely to have made a significantly larger contribution to the problem than the other person has made.
  7. In addition to understanding each person’s perceptions about what’s going on in a difficult interaction, it’s important to identify the emotions involved. Which of the following statements is true about the process of identifying emotions?
    1. Some managers have trouble putting labels on their emotions and need to develop their “feelings vocabulary.”
    2. When a person experiences an emotion during a difficult interaction, he or she cannot change that emotion.
    3. In describing your emotions during a conflict, you should focus on the most intense feeling only.
  8. In addition to understanding each person’s perceptions of what’s going on and identifying the emotions raised by a difficult interaction, the individuals involved must address concerns about self-image. Which of the following statements most strongly suggests that the speaker has self-image concerns?
    1. “I really made a serious mistake that day, when I forgot to tell Jorge how important that meeting was.”
    2. “I’ve failed to communicate my expectations clearly enough to Maya. I’m not a good manager.”
    3. “I’ve got to be more open to negative feedback about my performance in this new role.”
  9. During a recent interaction, James and Carla—a manager and an employee on a prototype-development team—realized they had conflicting perceptions about what’s critical. The two worked out a solution to their conflict that entails changing the number of prototype iterations conducted. After implementing their plan, James and Carla will compare the number of iterations conducted for the current set of prototypes to the number they agreed to in their plan. But they’ve left out a step that’s crucial for successful implementation of their plan. What is it?
    1. Piecing together a picture of how they got into their difficult situation.
    2. Selecting metrics to assess how well they’ve carried out their solution.
    3. Deciding how they’ll communicate going forward.
  10. When two of your employees get embroiled in a conflict, you have to determine whether to intervene. Which of the following conditions would warrant intervention?
    1. The problem has erupted between two employees who have equal standing and rank in your department or team.
    2. You’ve determined that the confrontation has begun encompassing additional staff members beyond the original disputants.
    3. You’ve determined that the situation doesn’t involve possible civil rights violations or other potentially illegal conduct.

Answers to test questions

  1. , c. Most difficult interactions don’t in fact resolve themselves. Time seldom resolves problems—people do.
  2. , a. The first step in overcoming fear of conflict is to acknowledge that while conflict can feel uncomfortable, it is also a part of life. Focusing on the potential positive outcomes of addressing conflict—and identifying ways to become more comfortable facing conflict—can help you move past your fear.
  3. , c. Most difficult interactions in the workplace stem from differences between people—in interests, motivations, perceptions, work and communication styles, and life experiences or cultural background.
  4. , b. Interests are a person’s desires regarding a particular issue. For example, a new team member who wants to receive as much vacation time as other team members receive (his position on the issue of vacation time) may have an interest in being treated fairly—that is, a desire. Often, identifying differing interests can help the people involved to design creative solutions that satisfy both their interests.
  5. , c. When a particular workplace relationship is crucial and you need to collaborate with that person for a long time under high-stakes conditions, you’ll want to find ways to manage difficult interactions with that person. By contrast, if you have a troubled interaction with a colleague on a short-term, minor, and one-time project, you probably won’t want to invest the time and energy in trying to improve the relationship.
  6. , a. There are two sides to every story, and each person views a conflict according to a set of facts that he or she perceives. Both people in a conflict might be using a different set of facts to form an impression of what’s going on. For example, if Harry experienced problems on an earlier project because of late updates, he might argue, “Mary is jeopardizing our project by not submitting updates on time.” Harry believes that not following through on paperwork results in failure. Mary, meanwhile, saw an earlier project fall apart because people spent too much time on paperwork. Both people’s experiences are true for them—and influence their view of the facts.
  7. , a. By developing a “feelings vocabulary,” a manager can more accurately describe the emotions that he or she is experiencing during a confrontation. The manager can also better understand the other person’s descriptions of emotions.
  8. , b. Concerns about self-image can crop up during a difficult interaction if a person has an either-or mind-set: “I’m either loyal or disloyal,” “I’m either competent or incompetent,” and so forth. This mind-set makes it impossible to tolerate criticism from others or to acknowledge that one has contributed to a problem—two abilities that are essential to managing conflicts. Thus it’s vital to acknowledge and address self-image concerns while discussing difficult interactions.
  9. , c. James and Carla don’t seem to have determined how they’ll communicate going forward—including how they’ll discuss progress on their plan, handle tensions that arise during these discussions, and make necessary changes to their plan. Like the other steps they’ve taken (clarifying the differences behind their difficulty and selecting metrics for assessing the success of their plan), this step is essential for ensuring successful implementation of any solution to a difficult interaction.
  10. , b. When a conflict starts encompassing additional staff members beyond the original disputants, it’s best to intervene. You can facilitate resolution of a confrontation by helping the disputants define the problem in specific terms, listen to one another, identify areas of agreement, and implement solutions that satisfy the disputants’ differing concerns and issues. You can also use coaching to teach employees to manage their difficult interactions on their own rather than pulling other people into their disputes.

To Learn More

Articles

Craumer, Martha. “Confrontation Without Conflict.” Harvard Management Communication Letter (June 2002).

Most of us are reluctant to confront a colleague about behavior that is distracting, unprofessional, or just plain rude. But avoiding the problem can affect morale and productivity. This article explains how to defuse potential workplace conflicts while they’re still manageable, and includes a sidebar on how to approach a difficult interaction.

Gary, Loren. “Becoming a Resonant Leader.” Harvard Management Update (July 2002).

After the events of 2001, leaders are being asked to act with greater integrity and to be more emotionally available to their employees. Leaders need to learn to adapt to this new work environment, using such tools as emotional intelligence, and to hone their ability to handle the emotional turbulence that comes with adaptive change.

Hackley, Susan. “When Life Gives You Lemons: How to Deal with Difficult People.” Negotiation (November 2004).

As William Ury, author of Getting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People, explains, we all have to negotiate at times with difficult people. They might be stubborn, arrogant, hostile, greedy, or dishonest. Or they might be, for the most part, affable. But even ordinarily reasonable people can turn into opponents. For instance, your boss can be collaborative and understanding most of the time, but make unreasonable demands on a Friday afternoon. Learn how to turn your angst into approbation and get past “no.”

Harvard Business School Publishing. “Leading by Feel.” Harvard Business Review (January 2004).

Empathy, intuition, and self-awareness are essential to good leadership, but they can be tricky to hone and dangerous to use. In this article, eighteen leaders and scholars explore how to manage emotional intelligence.

Weeks, Holly. “Taking the Stress Out of Stressful Interactions.” Harvard Business Review OnPoint Enhanced Edition (March 2002).

Stressful interactions are unavoidable in life. In business, they can run the gamut from firing a subordinate to, curiously enough, receiving praise. But whatever the context, stressful interactions carry a heavy emotional load. Indeed, they cause such anxiety that most people simply avoid them. Yet it can be extremely costly to dodge issues, appease difficult people, and smooth over antagonisms; avoidance usually only worsens a problem or a relationship. Using vivid examples of the three basic stressful interactions that people bump up against most often in the workplace, the author explains how managers can improve those interactions unilaterally. To begin with, they should approach the situations with greater self-awareness. Awareness building is not about endless self-analysis; much of it simply involves making tacit knowledge about oneself more explicit. Knowing how you react in a stressful situation will teach you a lot about your trouble areas and can help you master stressful situations.

Weiss, Jeff, and Jonathan Hughes. “Want Collaboration? Accept—and Actively Manage—Conflict.” Harvard Business Review (March 2005).

The fact is, you can’t improve collaboration until you’ve addressed the issue of conflict. The authors offer six strategies for effectively managing conflict: devise and implement a common method for resolving conflict; provide people with criteria for making trade-offs; use the escalation of conflict as an opportunity for coaching; establish and enforce a requirement of joint escalation; ensure that managers resolve escalated conflicts directly with their counterparts; and make the process for escalated conflict resolution transparent. The first three strategies focus on the point of conflict; the second three focus on escalation of conflict up the management chain.

Books

Goleman, Daniel, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee. Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence. Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2004.

Drawing from decades of research within world-class organizations, the authors show that great leaders excel not just through skill and smarts, but by connecting with others using emotional intelligence (EI) competencies such as empathy and self-awareness.

Harvard Business School Publishing. Dealing with Difficult People. The Results-Driven Manager Series. Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2004.

Concise, action-oriented, and packed with invaluable strategies and tools, this guide will help managers hone and polish skills for dealing with difficult people: avoiding conflicts and negativity, fostering positive behavior, and motivating underperformers.

Harvard Business School Publishing. Harvard Business Review Management Dilemmas: When Good People Behave Badly. Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2004.

What would you do if one of your star performers mistreated other workers; your best manager “lost it” and humiliated a colleague in public; or a coworker began to exhibit strange, even frightening, behavior? This guide explores ways to handle a wide range of complex behavioral issues that affect employees and managers.

Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Puddledancer Press, Encinitas, CA, 2005.

This book is a practical toolkit for helping people speak and listen to each other as allies, not adversaries. Rosenberg, a psychiarist, describes how we have grown up in a culture of violent and defensive communication, and that we can get back to what we truly want—connection—by learning the language of feelings and needs. This book is a both a call for nonviolence and a step-by-step guide along the path to caring for ourselves and each other as human beings.

eLearning Programs

Harvard Business School Publishing. Coaching for Results. Boston: Harvard Business School Publishing, 2000.

Understand and practice how to effectively coach others by mastering the five core skills necessary for successful coaching:

  • Observing
  • Questioning
  • Listening
  • Feedback
  • Agreement

Through interactive role-playing, expert guidance, and activities for immediate application at work, this program helps you coach successfully by preparing, discussing, and following up in any situation.

Harvard Business School Publishing. Managing Difficult Interactions . Boston: Harvard Business School Publishing, 2001.

This program will help you understand why disagreements occur and help you build conclusions collaboratively. These productive dialogue skills will lead to a more accurate, shared understanding of the information exchanged in your daily interactions. Managing Difficult Interactions examines techniques for approaching and handling difficult business interactions. The program explores how mental models influence our private thinking and, thus, our behavior. It presents the Left-Hand Column exercise as a technique for unveiling and examining our internal thought process. It also examines five unproductive thinking habits that many people fall into during difficult interactions, and offers five productive alternative ways of thinking. By examining your own thinking habits and actively seeking more productive mind-sets, you can learn to approach difficult interactions with confidence, avoid blaming, overcome defensiveness, and make better business decisions.

Harvard Business School Publishing. Productive Business Dialogue. Boston: Harvard Business School Publishing, 2002.

This program shows managers how to craft interactions that are fact based, minimize defensiveness, and draw out the best thinking from everyone involved. Productive Business Dialogue introduces the Ladder of Inference, a tool that helps participants in a dialogue understand the distinctions among fact, interpretation, and conclusions; and how making these distinctions clear can dramatically enhance the productivity of meetings and discussions. Through interactive, real-world scenarios, you will practice shaping interactions that maximize learning and lead to better-informed decisions.

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