What Causes Difficult Interactions?
DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS tend to stem from differences between people—in their positions and interests; in their perceptions, motivations, and styles; and in their life experiences and cultural backgrounds. By understanding the role of these types of differences in interpersonal conflict in the workplace, you position yourself to begin dealing with them productively.
Differences in positions and interests
Often, conflicts arise when two people have different positions (stances) and interests (desires) at stake concerning a particular issue.
Consider the following example, in which the issue at hand involves vacation time.
You oversee several teams, each of which has a leader. Randall, a team leader who’s relatively new to the company, comes to you and complains about having less vacation time than the other team leaders. On this issue of vacation time, you and Randall have differences, as shown in the table “Different positions and interests.”
When two people go head-to-head over different positions or interests, tension and conflict can intensify. The more you can focus a difficult interaction on interests, the more likely it is that you can find a creative solution that at least partially satisfies both people’s interests. In the example above, you could propose to Randall that he take one more week of vacation but that he use the time as a series of long weekends rather than five contiguous days. That way, he knows he’s being treated fairly, and you ensure that he’s not away from the project for too long.
Different positions and interests
| Randall’s | Yours | |
|---|---|---|
| Position (stance) | “I should receive the same amount of vacation as the other team leaders.” | “You can have the same amount of vacation when you have been here longer.” |
| Interest (desire) | “I want to be treated fairly.” | “I need you to be around to manage this large software implementation.” |
Differences in perceptions, motivations, and styles
In addition to differences in positions and interests on a particular issue, other kinds of differences can spawn difficult interactions. The table “Different perceptions, motivations, and styles,” shown on page 13, provides examples.
Differences in life experiences and cultural backgrounds
Differences in two people’s cultural backgrounds, educational and professional experiences, gender, age, and race can also create misunderstandings and tensions in the workplace. The totality of each person’s life experiences influences his or her assumptions about how the world should work and what can reasonably be expected from others.
What Would YOU Do?
The Trouble with Terry
BRAD DOESN’ TKNOW exactly when it will happen, but someday Terry is going to drive him over the edge. She spends hours reworking even the most routine tasks—and is sometimes late with a deliverable, which in turn affects Brad’s scheduling. Also, she tends to take a critical look at group decisions—sometimes causing the group to revisit decisions already made. Still, Brad knows that when Terry takes on a complicated or difficult project, she will be thorough, intelligent, and persistent. Brad sees that Terry’s hard work and critical attention to detail have made valuable contributions to the group, but Terry’s careful approach clearly has an adverse effect on him. He is beginning to avoid her—and he senses she may be avoiding him. How can he approach Terry? Or should he approach her at all? He wouldn’t be able to change her anyway ...
What would YOU do? The mentors will suggest a solution in What You COULD Do.
Different perceptions, motivations, and styles
| Difference | Example |
|---|---|
| Perceptions about what’s critical | You view management’s directives as more important than a team member does. |
| Motivations and intentions | You are motivated by quality, while a colleague is motivated by personal achievement. |
| Work style | You like to put all issues on the table at once, but your supervisor prefers to grapple with problems one at a time. |
| Communication style | You prefer to be updated about problems through written communication, while an employee finds it easier to update you by dropping by for an informal conversation. |
“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”
—William James
When two individuals come from vastly different backgrounds and experiences, difficult interactions can arise over just about any situation in the workplace. Consider the following example:
Stella is a sixty-one-year-old manager in charge of a Web site development project. As the project unfolds, she begins to get a vague sense that some of her team members don’t give enough consideration to her suggestions for managing the project. One day, she overhears one younger team member say to another, “You can’t expect a near retiree to really understand the Web.” In this case, age differences may have caused the younger team members to assume that because of her age, Stella is incapable of managing a Web project effectively. Thus, the team members don’t fully accept her leadership or value the knowledge she brings to the project.
Unless she addresses this difficult situation, Stella is likely to have problems leading her project team effectively.
Tip: To mitigate the tension that can arise during
difficult interactions, try playing up similarities (in
interests, background, and so forth) and match the other
person’s gestures, body posture, and speaking style.
Feelings of empathy and connection lead to
higher comfort levels and rapport.
What You COULD Do.
Remember Brad’s problem with Terry and his uncertainty about how to handle it?
Here’s what the mentor suggests:
If Brad is beginning to avoid Terry, it’s time to sit down and talk with her. While Brad has a clear picture of what he thinks the problems are, he should find out how Terry perceives the situation. It’s possible she sees things quite differently.
For example, perhaps her rework ultimately saves time. Or maybe she revisits group decisions because she thinks they are rushed and not carefully considered. Once Brad understands Terry’s point of view and gets to the root cause of the situation, he can then move toward resolving their differences and improving their interactions. His goal should be not to change her, but to change how they interact—which may mean changing his own behavior.