CHAPTER 4
THE GRAND SIMPLIFIER
Truth is the grand simplifier.
—Will Schutz
Nothing damages a relationship as quickly as not telling the truth. Just ask Gray Davis, the former governor of California, who was recalled from office just a few months after being reelected to his second term. He was recalled in large part because the voters didn’t believe he was telling them the truth. Knowing full well that the state was heading into the worst fiscal crisis in its history, Davis kept that news quiet until after he won reelection. Then when the full impact of the fiscal crisis became known, few voters were willing to give Davis the benefit of the doubt. Presidents Nixon and Clinton also learned the hard way, each creating his most significant crisis not by what he did, but rather because he lied about it, namely Watergate and Monica Lewinsky. Even Martha Stewart’s undoing was her lying, not her stock manipulations.
BOX 4-1
The level of trust in a relationship is determined to a great extend by the amount of truth that is being told.
For years we have had workshop participants do a little “endarkenment” exercise (as opposed to an “enlightenment” exercise).1 Participants are asked to create and prioritize lists of all the things they could do if their job were to destroy trust in a relationship or organization. Not telling the truth almost always ends up at the top of the list. The amount of truth that is being told often determines the level of trust in a relationship.
Will Schutz, one of the true pioneers in the human potential movement, claimed, “Truth is the grand simplifier.” It makes everything else easier. People often express their fear about telling the truth. They fear it will hurt other people’s feelings or cause a strain in a relationship or invite retribution. The common perception is that telling too much truth gets us into trouble. However, Schutz always believed the opposite: that we get into trouble for not being truthful enough. W. Edwards Deming, a pioneer in the field of quality, also maintained that quality is impossible when people are afraid to tell the truth.
AWARENESS + HONESTY + OPENNESS = TRUTH
When we talk about telling the truth, we are not talking about some cosmic universal truth. Nor are we talking about indiscriminate opinion giving, which people mistake for telling the truth (e.g., “I told my boss the truth, that he’s stupid. He got mad at me”). Indiscriminate opinion giving often gives truth telling a bad name, because it lacks awareness and accountability. Telling the truth is someone’s willingness to share what is going on inside him: inside his mind, his heart, and his gut. It is disclosing himself in an accountable manner.
Telling the truth is a combination of awareness, honesty, and openness. A lack of awareness distorts any truth that someone may choose to share. If people are unaware that they are becoming defensive and putting their energy into self-preservation rather than problem solving, they are not likely to be seen by others as truthful and trustworthy. If a manager is unaware of his deep-seated sexist belief that women belong in the home and not the boardroom, how can he possibly build a truthful and trusting collaborative relationship with a female CEO of one of his customers or suppliers?
If people are self-aware and choose to deceive other people about what seems true for them, how can they build successful relationships? If people mislead each other by distorting information, their lack of honesty will eventually weaken the relationship, especially when the information eventually becomes known. When trying to build a collaborative relationship, it is wisest to assume that any dishonesty will eventually come to light and the damage caused at that time will be difficult to repair.
Finally, even if people are self-aware and honest, but choose never to share their thoughts and feelings with others, their lack of openness will create a barrier to creativity and effective problem solving. Collaboration will be seriously undermined. A lack of openness will also be a barrier to depth and intimacy in personal relationships as well. How will others fully understand what is in someone else’s head and heart if he or she doesn’t share that information?
BOX 4-2
Telling the truth about yourself requires a combination of awareness, honesty, and openness.
TOOLS FOR BEING MORE TRUTHFUL
Here are four tools to help readers increase their self-awareness and be more honest and open in their relationships. First Truth First, Congruent Delivery, What I Have to Share, and a reminder about Unhooking Your Buttons are all tools that will help people be more open and honest in their relationships.
Tool 4-1
First Truth First
Individuals can often get befuddled when thinking about telling the truth because the truth can be complex and complicated. The First Truth First tool2 is a way of prioritizing and simplifying what to say first. For example, look at a situation where a supervisor has concerns about the way someone is treating her employees and yet is also hesitant to say anything because of fear of damaging their relationship. The first truth in that situation might sound like this:
Bob, I’d like to talk to you about something that is difficult for me to bring up because I value our relationship and I worry that the issue may strain it.
Then the rest of the truth would follow:
I’ve been upset with the way you treat my employees, etc.
Using this tool, someone doesn’t have to have everything figured out ahead of time. You just need to be aware of what is foremost on your mind at that time. Perhaps the first truth might be:
I’m feeling pretty confused about this issue and I’m not quite sure what I think about it.
I’m feeling really nervous when I’m with you, because I want to impress you.
Or perhaps:
My first truth is that I am afraid that I will look incompetent around you, so I don’t come directly to you when I have a problem.
A good reminder about First-Truth-First is that people can rarely go wrong by first talking about their intentions for what they next have to say. Misunderstood intentions often create more problems than actual statements. If you can first be clear about your intentions, your statements will be heard differently.
BOX 4-3
You can rarely go wrong by first talking about your intentions for what you next have to say. Misunderstood intentions often create more problems for us than our actual statements.
Tool 4-2
Congruent Delivery
People notice how you say what you say. They may not know how to name it, but they judge believability on the manner and tone of your communication. This can be a major source of self-sabotage in relationship building.
Picture an executive addressing a group of employees. He is nervous, not making eye contact; he keeps looking at his watch and seems anxious to leave the meeting. He occasionally wipes sweat from his brow even though the auditorium is cool. The words he is speaking to the employees are:
I’m really happy to be here today among all my good friends so that I can dispel the rumors that we are in financial trouble and may be facing layoffs.
It may be that the executive is simply afraid of public speaking and that he is telling the truth. Regardless of the truth, however, the message that will likely be perceived is that the company is in trouble and employees had better start looking for other jobs.
Picture an angry young man with a sarcastic, sneering look on his face yelling to his girlfriend as he walks away, “Of course I love you!” His credibility is zero. The content of his message “I love you” is destroyed by the inconsistency of tone of voice and body language. Now picture the young man looking adoringly into his girlfriend’s face and saying softly, “Of course I love you!” This time the content of his message “I love you” is what is being communicated.
A lot of research demonstrates that credibility is dramatically reduced when tone of voice, body language, and content are out of alignment. The numbers commonly cited regarding the impact of a message are:
Content (the words) accounts for only 7 percent.
Tone of voice accounts for 38 percent.
Body language accounts for 55 percent.
Fortunately these percentages are not accurate when the content of the message and the delivery of the message are congruent. That is to say, when the content, tone of voice, and body language are all consistent in communicating the same message, then the content will rule and the message is much more believable.
Much of the research about body language has been misunderstood. In 1967, Professor Albert Mehrabian of UCLA conducted the most cited research.3 His research attempted to determine the impact of inconsistent messages: when the content was not congruent (i.e., in alignment or consistent) with the tone of voice or the facial expressions, posture, or other gestures. While Mehrabian cautioned that his research percentages were only approximate, the evidence was clear that when any nonverbal behavior contradicts what is said in a message, the nonverbal behavior is more likely to determine how the message is understood.
BOX 4-4
When any nonverbal behavior contradicts what is said in a message, the nonverbal behavior is more likely to determine how the message is understood.
Mehrabian believes that particularly in our Western culture, listeners have two main reasons for giving greater weight to tone of voice and body language when they contradict the content of the message.4 First, people are hesitant to express negative feelings outside of intimate relationships. They might be willing to complain to their spouse, but it would seem rude to share those same negative feelings with a colleague. The second is that we emphasize language skills and neglect any training on nonverbal communications. Thus we are not skilled at concealing our emotions.
Emotions play such a huge role in our social interaction that we can’t hide them. They leak out in our communications through tone of voice and body language. When they are inconsistent with the words of the message, they play a larger role in communicating the real message because for most of us they are more difficult to alter. Unless you’re an accomplished actor, it’s easier to lie with words than with tone of voice and body language because they are more often driven by our unconscious feelings about the message. They are less censored.
This research is significant for people trying to communicate a message they may have some doubts about. Consider, for example, an executive addressing a group of new alliance partners. The executive is trying to communicate that their new partnership will be greatly enhanced by an environment of openness, where each party can feel free to share all of their concerns with the other party. This is an appropriate and helpful message to establish better communication between new partners.
What if, however, the executive is not an open person himself? He also has some concerns that the other party will take a lot of his time with their complaints about his new policies. His unspoken hesitation about a more open environment is likely to leak out into the delivery of his message to his new partners. The Mehrabian research confirms that in this situation the “real” message will be communicated through the executive’s tone of voice and body language. The message that people will pick up is:
I need to tell you to be open because that’s what I’m supposed to say, but I really don’t want to be that open and I don’t want it from you either. I want you to keep your complaints to yourselves.
The best way out of this predicament is to use the First-Truth-First tool. This helps speakers be more open about their concerns so that their message is congruent with their tone of voice and body language. The executive we talked about above might say:
I know that creating a more open environment is going to be crucial for our success. I have a few of my own fears about that. I’m a pretty private person so this will be a stretch for me. I’m also a little concerned that I’ll get overwhelmed with complaints about all the changes that will be taking place. But I also know that to become as successful as we intend, it is absolutely essential for us to be able to share our concerns, to tell the truth, and to listen to the truth. So I’m asking all of you to stretch a little to become more open with each other, just as I make the same commitment to you.
This message is completely congruent. It communicates openly and honestly the executive’s own concerns as well as a sincere desire to create a more open environment. The message will not be undermined by inconsistent tone of voice or body language.
BOX 4-5
People trying to communicate a message that they have doubts about had better pay particular attention to their body language and tone of voice.
What People Believe When the Content of a Message Is Not Congruent with Tone of Voice and Body Language.
Exercise 4-1
Reflect back on a recent message you delivered where your tone of voice and body language contradicted your message. Review the following example and then complete the worksheet on the next page.
Now, after considering the Impact of that tone of voice and body language, rephrase the message that may have been heard.
I don’t think that we should put much energy into a promotional plan for Margaret’s project, even though I know we’re supposed to.
Now, after considering the Impact of that tone of voice and body language, rephrase the message that may have been heard.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Because so much of our real intention can be communicated by body language and tone of voice, it is particularly important to add clarity about your intentions to your message when using the telephone or e-mail, since they limit body language and tone of voice. The telephone includes tone of voice but not body language. E-mail, which is now the most popular form of business communication, excludes both body language and tone of voice. We’ve worked with a company that spent hours of meetings in response to two or three cryptic words in an e-mail. It is crucial to include information about your intentions in important e-mail messages.
BOX 4-6
The most popular form of business communication today, e-mail, cannot communicate body language and tone of voice. Therefore, it is crucial to clearly communicate your intentions in important e-mail messages.
Tool 4-3
What I Have to Share Checklist
Sometimes people may not share information because it never occurs to them that they have information they might choose to share. When asked if they would like to talk about a situation and they say no, it may be that they aren’t deliberately withholding the information. They may simply not know what to say. The What I Have to Share checklist is a reminder of the kind of information that is available to share if people choose to.
BOX 4-7
What 1 Have to Share
Thoughts
Facts
Feelings
Physical sensations
Intuition
Intention
What I want
Thoughts: I’m thinking that you might be rejecting my proposals because you don’t believe I’ll follow through and complete the projects, and that for some reason you may not trust me.
Facts: I’ve noticed that you have rejected the last four proposals that I have submitted to you.
Feelings: I’m feeling hurt that you may not trust me and a bit angry that you might not be treating me fairly.
Physical sensations: I notice that my stomach gets tight, my breathing speeds up, and I get agitated whenever I think about our relationship.
Intuition: My gut tells me there’s a problem between us and that you’re not telling me something.
Intention: I intend to review my work history to see if I may have performed poorly in the past. I also intend be clearer with you about our relationship issues so that we can improve our working relationship.
What I want: I want us to have a better working relationship: one where you trust my performance and I feel fairly treated. I’d like you to meet with me and with a person from the Human Resources department on Tuesday to see if we can better understand what’s been happening between us.
Any item on the checklist can be a good entry point to get a discussion started. There is no right or wrong place to start, and you may not want to share all segments. We do suggest, however, that sharing more information rather than less information will usually accelerate problem solving and collaboration. Pick an issue where you may want to share more information with someone and use the following worksheet to clarify what you have to share about that issue.
What I Have to Share
Thoughts:___________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Facts:__________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Feelings:_______________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Physical sensations:________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Intuition:_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Intention:_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What I want:_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tool 4-4
We introduced the Unhooking Your Buttons worksheet back in chapter 3 to help you discover the underlying fear or vulnerable spot inside you that creates your buttons. That tool is not only a method of increasing self-awareness, it can also be a road map for sharing what is going on inside you at a much greater depth. Often just gaining the additional insight about where your button comes from is enough to defuse much of the emotional charge attached to that button. If, however, you are trying to build a relationship, or deepen the level of intimacy in a relationship, it is helpful to use the Unhooking Your Buttons worksheet as a guide for sharing information about yourself and your interaction with the other person.
Let’s look back at the situation with Jane and Chris. Remember Jane would become infuriated when she gave a presentation and Chris wouldn’t pay close attention to her. Jane used the Unhooking Your Buttons tool to discover that her anger at Chris had more to do with her own fears about her competency and significance than with Chris.
Here’s how Jane explored her button:
1. The Facts and Feelings
“I went to a lot of trouble to prepare a good presentation and Chris didn’t seem to pay any attention. I don’t think he heard a word I said. It made me so angry for him to disrespect me like that. He is such an idiot; I wouldn’t ever want to work with him.”
2. Exploring the Story and/or Judgments
“The story I tell myself is that Chris must be thinking that I’m not worth listening to. He must not believe I have anything important to say. If he respected me as a trainer, he wouldn’t be ignoring me the way he does. He would be paying closer attention to what I have to say if he thought I was a competent trainer.”
3. Exploring the pain or fear
“I guess not being listened to or taken seriously has bothered me for quite a while. I probably have a part of me that worries that I’m really not worth being listened to. I know I’m a rand-new consultant without much experience, and I guess I’m worried that Chris may be right. The possibility that I’m not saying anything worthwhile makes me uncomfortable. I hate feeling like that, and so when Chris reminds me of those feelings, I hate him too.”
Jane could then talk to Chris about the issues, and the conversation would be much different. Prior to gaining some awareness about the roots of her button, Jane would have sounded like this:
“Chris, you’re an arrogant twit because you don’t pay attention to anything I say when I’m presenting. You have the listening skills of a tree stump!”
After exploring her own button, Jane sounded like this:
“Chris, when you don’t listen to me, I tell myself that you must not respect anything I have to say, and that triggers my fears about my own competency and significance. It’s uncomfortable for me when I am reminded of those fears about my self-worth, so I tend to take it out on you.”
There is a huge difference between the two statements. The first is about Chris (“You are so arrogant”). The second is about Jane (“Chris, your actions trigger fears in me that I don’t like to feel, so I tend to take my anger out on you, even though it’s not really about you”). The first may well trigger Chris’s defensiveness. The second probably wouldn’t because it is self-revealing of Jane, rather than an attack on Chris. The first reduces intimacy and trust. The second builds intimacy and trust. The first damages the relationship, while the second builds the relationship.
It may not always be appropriate to share this new self-awareness about your buttons. You’ll have to make a judgment about your level of safety in the relationship. If, however, you are trying to add depth to the relationship, telling this kind of truth will be one of the most effective things you can do.
CHAPTER SUMMARY
Not telling the truth is one of the fastest ways to destroy a relationship. The four truth-telling tools in this chapter can help you increase openness and build relationships. Sharing your First Truth First is an easier and more honest way of sharing what is really going on with you. Congruent Delivery of what you share will increase your credibility. The What I Have to Share checklist can help you better understand what information is available to share. Finally, when someone pushes your buttons, gain self-awareness using the Unhooking Your Buttons tool and then share more truthfully your underlying fear or vulnerability. It will make you more trustworthy and will add depth to your relationships.