CHAPTER 18
GET REAL… 15 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO DAY TO IMPROVE YOUR ABILITY TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
All this Self-esteem mumbo jumbo and collaborative self-awareness stuff might be good at home, but I think it’s a bunch of BS here at work. I just expect people to get along and do their job.”
Abe, the plant manager, threw down the gauntlet right at the start of the meeting. He wasn’t a touchy-feely guy and he wasn’t impressed with what he called “California psychobabble.” It wasn’t the worst start we’ve had for a big team meeting, but it was pretty clear it was put-up-or-shut-up time for us.
So with Abe’s permission we did a little experiment with some of his employees. We asked for six volunteers and separated them into two teams. We gave each team some simple instructions out of earshot of the other team and all the other participants in the meeting. While Ron was giving instructions, Jim was setting up the room so that the front of the room was messy. Jim dumped the wastepaper basket on the floor and scattered the contents. He dropped training materials, pens, pencils, a newspaper, coffee mugs, and books all over the floor. He tipped a couple of chairs over on their side, tossed some jackets in a corner, and even scattered a few dollar bills and some loose change under the table.
Then we announced to the main group of meeting participants that we needed their help today. We explained that we were going to be interviewing work teams from two different cleaning companies. We wanted the meeting participants to help us decide which team we ought to hire to clean our offices. Then we brought in Team 1.
We announced to Team 1 that they were a cleaning team from a company we were considering hiring to clean all our offices and that as part of their interview we wanted them to give us a demonstration of their work. We turned to the mess Jim had created in the front of the room and asked them to clean it up for us.
The cleaning crew just looked at each other for a few minutes without doing anything. First one person, then the other two eventually started picking things up off the floor and putting them into a big pile in the middle of the table. They looked lethargic and were haphazard in their cleaning. They missed a number of things on the floor and hardly straightened anything on the table. One person grabbed the newspaper and started reading it instead of cleaning. That annoyed another cleaner, who made a snide remark. The third cleaner seemed detached and completely uninterested in the squabble between the other two. The team only noticed the money on the ground because they were trying to hide some of the mess out of sight under the table. When they did see the money, two of the cleaners fought over it, pocketing almost half the money they found instead of putting it on the table. They didn’t talk much to each other; they didn’t look happy and they didn’t seem to get along well.
When they finished, the room was better than it had been, but still pretty mediocre. We thanked Team 1 and said we would be in touch with them. Then we re-created the mess in the front of the room and brought in Team 2. We told Team 2 they were a cleaning team from a company we might hire to clean our offices. As part of the interview, we wanted them to give us a demonstration of their work. Again, we asked them to clean the room for us.
Team 2 immediately turned to each other and talked about how they would divide up the work. Then they went to work with an enthusiasm that was visible to everyone at the meeting. When one cleaner finished her assignment, she immediately volunteered to help whoever needed her. They not only cleaned everything off the floor, they straightened everything on the table as well. When they checked under the table, they found the money and were worried about leaving it out on the table. Instead, they put it in an envelope and brought the envelope over to us. They were continuously talking to each other about work issues as well as their weekend plans. They seemed to be having fun as they helped each other and several times looked for ways to do a better job.
The results were clear. Team 2 did twice as good a job in half as much time. They collaborated and seemed to be really happy with what they were doing and enjoyed each other’s company. We thanked them and said we would be getting back to them after the group made a decision.
We turned to the meeting participants and asked them to speculate about what instructions we had given to Team 1 and Team 2. The group said it was obvious: we told Team 1 to do a bad job and Team 2 to do a good job. Not true, we responded. Any other ideas? We got many suggestions, but none were correct. Some people thought Team 1 was underpaid and Team 2 was on an incentive plan. Some thought the teams had different training. Others thought we told Team 2 that they had the skills to do good work and told Team 1 that they were untrained. Someone observed that members of Team 1 didn’t like each other and Team 2 must have been friends. Another explanation was that we told Team 1 not to be collaborative and Team 2 to be very collaborative. Wrong again.
In fact we had given simple, but different, instructions to both teams. We told Team 1 that we were going to ask them to do a simple task they could easily perform in a few minutes, and that we were specifically not giving them any instructions about how they should do the task. They could do it any way they wanted to. The only instructions we gave them was about how they felt about themselves. We said we want you to feel insignificant, incompetent, and unlikable about yourself. These feelings were not about the task, but only about how they felt about themselves.
We gave the same instructions about the job to Team 2; however, we told Team 2 that we wanted them to feel significant, competent, and likable about themselves.
SELF-ESTEEM MATTERS
Obviously, both groups had enough training, skills, knowledge, experience, and incentive to clean up a simple mess in the front of the room. The only difference between the two groups was the level of self-esteem they were feeling. What they felt about themselves was the determining factor in their job performance. The employees with higher self-esteem were significantly better employees. They accomplished more in less time and seemed happier and more satisfied in the process.
Abe could see that both these teams were capable of doing the assignment we gave them. Abe could also see the impact of strong self-esteem on job performance and relationships among the team members. It was no longer California psychobabble; we were talking about bottom-line productivity from that point on. It was about the ability to live authentic lives, get beyond fears and defensiveness, and form collaborative relationships. It was about having what it takes to speak your truth and be accountable for any consequences. It was about operating from the Green Zone.
We mentioned in the introduction to this book that our international colleagues in Japan have delivered a course focusing on self-accountability, truthfulness, and self-awareness in over a thousand Japanese companies. That course is called “Self-Esteem Development Seminar.” In a recent example, they conducted a survey measuring the self-esteem of four thousand employees in one of Japan’s largest international manufacturing companies. Using a FIRO-based questionnaire called Element O (O for “organization”), they focused on certain areas of the business to get an accurate measure of issues of significance, competence, and likability.1
The results reflected an almost 100 percent correlation between the departments with high self-esteem and high productivity. The five divisions where employees had the highest self-esteem were also the five divisions with the highest levels of productivity. The five divisions with the lowest self-esteem scores were also the five divisions with the lowest productivity.
Our partners in Japan have shown that by using organizational surveys to identify departments with low self-esteem, and then focusing on the components of self-esteem such as significance, competence, and likability, productivity increases.
Let’s review the five essential skills we’ve been talking about.
THE FIVE ESSENTIAL SKILLS TO BUILD COLLABORATIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Collaborative intention: Individuals stay in the Green Zone, maintain an authentic, nondefensive presence, and make a personal commitment to mutual success in their relationships.
Truthfulness: Individuals commit to both telling the truth and listening to the truth, and to creating a climate of openness that allows people in the relationship to feel safe enough to discuss concerns, solve problems, and deal directly with difficult issues.
Self-accountability: Individuals take responsibility for the circumstances of their lives and the choices they make, either through action or nonaction, and the intended and unintended or unforeseen consequences of their actions. They would rather find a solution than find someone to blame.
Self-awareness and awareness of others: Individuals commit to knowing themselves deeply and are willing to explore difficult interpersonal issues. They seek to understand the concerns, intentions, and motivations of others, as well as the culture and context of their circumstances.
Problem-solving and negotiating: Individuals use problem-solving methods that promote a collaborative atmosphere. They avoid practices that foster subtle or unconscious competition.
We’ve given you a map of the terrain, five skills, and new insight for navigating your way into more successful collaborative relationships. We hope you practice your new skills along the way. There is no better way to become more skillful at relationships than to jump in and keep practicing. It will take patience and focus, so keep at it. Don’t be in a rush to gain perfection.
These five skills are lifelong tasks, but it is possible to start anew each day. Your power is in choosing not to be overwhelmed, but to ask, “How can I take a few little steps on this journey today?” If you do that, then tomorrow will take care of itself.
So we end with action you can take today to improve your ability to be in a successful relationship.
FIFTEEN THINGS YOU CAN DO TODAYS IMPROVE YOUR ABILITY TO BE IN A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
Tell your truth. Don’t be afraid to let yourself and others know what your personal truth is.
Realize that you choose. Eagerly accept responsibility for what is happening in your life. Accept that you are responsible for your own happiness, and that only you can make yourself whole.
Seek deeper self-awareness. Reflect, read, discuss, meditate, or involve yourself in any activity that aids your awareness of your old programs and deeper levels of being.
Respond emotionally. Allow yourself to “feel.” Have your feelings rather than letting your feelings have you, or numbing out. Realize that all emotions are acceptable, but not all actions are acceptable.
Give up blame and postpone judgment. We’re all trying our best to get by. Seek to understand what is happening and how you contributed to that. Attempt to listen to and clarify one another’s viewpoints and interests before defending yourself or making others wrong.
Seek not to consciously hurt others. Living in the Red Zone causes others pain and takes a severe toll on the quality of our own life. Consciously living in the Green Zone daily and respecting others adds richness to our lives.
Take time to envision yourself as you want to be. Motivate yourself by thinking about your future, rather than letting yourself be shoved through life by your past. Start being whom you want to be … today.
Consciously change your limiting beliefs. Don’t wait for experience to change them for you.
Assert yourself. Be aware of your boundaries and stand up for yourself. If you don’t, who will?
Be as sincere and as vulnerable as possible. Explore being “present” rather than being “right.”
Be in touch with your body and its wisdom. Seek alignment and connection with the head, heart, and belly. They have much to tell you if you listen.
Seek a higher meaning or purpose in your life. Explore ways to collaborate with others by doing something you are passionate about, in the service of others.
Treat your personal growth with respect, excitement, and patience, rather than judgment. Personal growth is a lifelong job. It requires commitment and compassion. Focus each day on becoming your best cheerleader rather than your worst critic.
Give to give. Give yourself away daily to purpose, people, places, and things you love. Stop waiting for others to love first, accept you, or make it safe for you.
Laugh a little. Some things are much too important to be taken seriously.