CHAPTER 03
HIT THE RESET BUTTON

It's Saturday morning, the sun is shining, the air has a crisp freshness and the clear cloudless sky has not looked this blue in over a week.

But all this goes unnoticed because there's stuff to do. Saturday morning is the time to get ahead, to get on top of things — in between coffee runs, supermarket runs and actual runs. At best, we give the day outside a cursory glance and perhaps say something like, ‘Once this is done, I'll get to enjoying that' or ‘Next weekend we'll organise a picnic' or ‘I'll chill out later when I'm finished' — you know, that mythical, magical time when it will ‘all be done', when ‘finished' is indeed ‘finished'.

Being busy all the time has become a badge of honour — albeit a heavy, awkward, uncomfortable badge that doesn't go with any of your outfits let alone your favourite shoes but, hey, it's the latest fashion accessory and who are you to deny fashion? Dr Brené Brown's research explores this phenomenon, and she claims that in our collective mindset ‘exhaustion has become a status symbol'. We're participating in an unspoken race where the most exhausted wins. Think about the conversations you have when people ask you how you are. Your response? ‘Busy' [insert overwhelmed sigh, shoulder droop, and eye-roll for effect]. Then the one-upping starts. ‘Me too.' ‘Yeah? You think you're busy and exhausted?! WELL … I haven't slept since Ferris Buller had his day off!'¹ This hidden race to tiredness is coming at a physical cost that we often can't see.

Don't get me wrong — I get that sometimes we've got to rip in, work solidly and produce results. Often, as much as these times are full-on, they are also exhilarating — especially when we are on purpose with what we are doing. This is when we are killing it!

The thing is that we then carry this same intensity of action into the everyday, even after the race to productivity is finished. Our fast-paced busyness starts to infect those moments that don't require the same velocity. We worry about slowing down. Like an intense game of Jenga, we fear one wrong move will bring our whole world crashing down. But rather than stop and step away from the game for a moment, we continue running on overload, telling ourselves we'll rest later.

FROM MARTYR TO WARRIOR

Sitting in Check Out unleashes the inner martyr — that stoic part of us who believes that I've gotta suffer through this because it's just what's gotta be done. The bills need to be paid, the kids need to be fed and, well, this bathroom's not gonna clean itself, so I'd better do it, because if I don't do it no-one will do it, and even when they do it's not good enough anyway, so it's just what's gotta be done and, damn, it will probably need to be done again in two minutes' time, so actually I'm just gonna live in the bathroom 24/7 so that it's never ever dirty, ever … *huff*²

Step into your inner warrior. The one who knows the value of rest and who is clear on what actually matters.

The way to get out of the cycle that martyrdom thinking traps us into is to hit the reset button. The origin of the prefix ‘re' comes from Latin and means to restore or to return to original condition. Finding ways to hit the reset button for you — that is, actions that leave you feeling refreshed and revived — is the key to investing in SELF.

The ultimate goal here is to move from martyr to warrior. Step into your inner warrior, who knows the value of rest and that recuperation is the key to feeling centred, and who is clear on what actually matters. Let's explore how this works among the busyness.

IT'S TIME TO BE SELFISH

Putting others first is a noble pursuit, and selflessness has an important role in our contribution to the wider community. And it's fraught with danger. Here's why: we're doing it wrong. We're giving to others in a way that diminishes our own needs, and that suppresses what matters to us. This is a recipe for regret and resentment. We end up resenting others for what is being stripped from ourselves. Giving becomes an avenue by which we hope that we're acknowledged, valued and seen as important. If you are a leader within an organisation, your ability to influence is directly proportionate to your ability to look after yourself.

Being switched on to making decisions, being present in conversations, and being able to motivate action is so much easier when you've slept well, eaten what nourishes and looked after your mental wellbeing.

Our society has unique ways of creating the voice inside our head that says it's selfish to focus on ourselves. For example, we hear people say that you can be ‘full of yourself'. That we have to prioritise giving the best of ourselves to the people around us and then only after that can we focus on ourselves. The problem is that time never comes.

It's time to be self-kind, self-supporting and self-loving. You don't need to do anything to prove that you are important — by way of simply being here and participating in this life you already are. It's time for us to shake the mountain of judgement and social expectations off the word ‘selfish' and realise that turning up refreshed, revived and the best versions of ourselves is the greatest gift we can give to the people around us.

RESET — DO IT YOUR WAY

Often when we think about hitting reset we envisage a tropical island, pina coladas, and an afternoon of massages. Ahhhhhhh … yep, that'll do it. Nice for dreaming but these options don't help us when we're caught in everyday work and life. (The boss seems to have a bit of an issue when you keep bringing Sven and the pina coladas into the weekly team meeting.)

Expanding our definition of hitting reset, we can find multiple ways to feel refreshed and refocused, even on the busiest of days and in the middle of the hardest projects. In fact, the busier the day or the harder the project, the more important it is to carve out pockets of time for reset so you bring your best game back into play.

Knowing what works for you is the key here, because activities that are re-energising will be different for everyone. For some, sitting under a tree reading a book is re-energising; for others, that sounds like complete torture but lunch and a good laugh with a friend is bliss.

THE RESET THREE-STEP

Whatever activities help you to reset, you need to work through three stages. This process is the key to leveraging every advantage out of these actions.

STEP 1: TUNE IN

Socrates got it right when he offhandedly mentioned one day that to ‘know thyself is the beginning of all wisdom'. This step is key to even realising that you are feeling overwhelmed and you need to shake something up. This might sound a bit ridiculous — like, of course I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed — but we get caught in just going through the motions and ignoring these triggers (until we absolutely lose it over someone eating too loudly next to us). Self-awareness is critical to realising that you're one step away from this — and that you can actually do something to change your state.

So in order to tune in, ask yourself these questions:

• What are some specific triggers to you feeling overwhelmed?
• How do you behave when you feel out of control? (For example, get huffy, slam doors, make and drink 1000 cups of tea before 10 am.)
• What do you notice in your body when you're feeling overwhelmed? (For example, tight chest, shoulders or jaw, or feeling jittery.)

STEP 2: CHOOSE IT

Once you're aware that something needs to change, it's time to choose the thing that you could do that will give you the maximum outcome right now. Being aware of the specific actions that work for you — even having a hit list that you can refer to in the chaos — is great planning.

In ‘The reset toolbox' section, later in this chapter, I provide a ready reckoner to get you started and give you some options for activities. When you've got yours, write them out on a sticky note and put them at your desk, on your fridge, in the car — anywhere you might need them.

When you choose what activity you'll do, also be aware of the context you are in. These questions will help you get clarity:

• What could I do differently right now?
• What have I got time for now? What can I do later when I've got more time?
• Who else can help with this, or benefit from hitting reset too? (Enlisting a reset buddy is a great way to move your inner-martyr aside.)

STEP 3: DO (JUST) IT

I'm sorry, but Nike got it wrong in their ‘Just do it' slogan. When it comes to reset, do (just) it. Nothing else. We can undermine even our best efforts to chill out by distracting ourselves and hitting reset with split attention. If you go for a walk but spend your time getting angrier about what Billy said last Tuesday, it's nearly impossible to come back feeling refreshed. Leave Billy at the door before you step out and, if it's something you need to address, pick that issue up again when you step back in — now with a fresher perspective on the situation.

Once you've chosen how you are going to hit reset, drop the guilt and do just that thing. The best way that you can serve and be there for the people around you is to take some time out. The team will be fine if you are not available for an hour, the kids will be okay if you get a babysitter and go to a yoga class, and the spreadsheet won't pout in the corner if you step away from the computer.

Check in with these questions:

• What distractions do I need to drop to focus on resetting?
• Are there any feelings of guilt I need to reframe?
• What difference would having a new perspective make on this situation?

THE RESET TOOLBOX

As discussed, you have a mountain of ways to hit the reset button, even when you don't feel like you've got time. The following is a toolbox of options to help you hit reset based on the time frame you might have available — right from only having 90 seconds all the way through to that yearly getaway. This is your toolbox of reset strategies you can dip into; add your own and tweak them as you like — but don't wait until the tropical island to hit reset.

Here are some options if you've only got 90 seconds:

• Take three deep belly breaths.
• Tune into your senses in your immediate environment (name five things you can hear, five you can see, five you can smell, and five you can physically feel).
• Make a ‘to-do' list.
• Make a ‘have-done' list.
• Practise a quick meditation technique by focusing on breathing in for the count of four and then breathing out for the count of four.
• Focus on an object in the room, count to ten and breathe deeply.
• Decide the next best action to take.
• Create a ‘decision gap' (realise you don't have to make a decision right now; allow some time to do this).
• Cease the conversation for 90 seconds, and then go again (go to the loo if you have to).

If you have 10 minutes:

• Grab a coffee or a tea with a colleague.
• Stand up and stretch.
• Go for a walk.
• Make a herbal tea (make one for someone else too).
• Have an outdoors break (feel the sun on your face and grass between your toes).
• Play your favourite song.
• Dance.
• Phone a good friend for a chinwag.
• Schedule time to talk through what's worrying you with someone.

If you have 30 minutes:

• Widen the options around what actions you can take.
• Have a debrief with a trusted person.
• Have a walk-and-talk meeting.
• Walk a few blocks or through a local park.
• Connect with someone you trust and talk about how you would like for things to be.
• Write down five things you are grateful for.
• Help someone else.
• Take an express exercise class.
• Have lunch with someone you haven't seen for ages.

For the time you have after work, consider these options:

• Exercise (just make sure it's something you actually enjoy, and the more fun the better or else you won't do it).
• Spend quality time with family and friends.
• Grab a picnic and have dinner at the local riverbank or beach, or on a rug in your backyard.
• Do a yoga class.
• Get your art on.
• Organise a holiday.
• Donate your time to a charity.
• Perform a random act of kindness.
• Spend time in nature.

Here are some options for your day of rest or time over a weekend:

• Sleep and rest (really rest).
• Organise a massage.
• Go on a mini-vacation (an overnight trip).
• Watch your favourite movie.
• Watch a live music show or theatre performance.
• Join in a fun run or other social exercise event (ultimate frisbee anyone?).
• Complete a project at home.
• Visit the local farmers' market.
• Get involved in a local group in your area.

OXYGEN MASKS AREN'T JUST FOR EMERGENCIES

You don't have to go to too many motivational talks before you hear the oxygen mask analogy. If you haven't heard it yet, let me give you the rundown. The bold motivational speaker stands on stage and compares looking after yourself to the safety talk that you get when you are on a flight — you know, that advises that you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. This then becomes a metaphor that stretches to your personal life, where you need to look after your own needs before taking care of others. The intent behind this metaphor is good — I mean, what good are we to anyone if we don't take care of our physical, emotional and spiritual needs? The problem is that I've been hearing speakers, authors and experts in their field talk about the oxygen mask metaphor for years. And yet all their words haven't changed anything — collectively, the struggle I find is that people are still putting everyone else's needs before their own. Something is not connecting about this metaphor.

This got me thinking: Why?

Why, beautiful metaphor as it is, are we still speaking about the goddamn oxygen mask? I was contemplating this when I was on a flight from the Gold Coast to Melbourne. On this occasion, I listened intently to the safety presentation at the start of the flight (rather than switch off, which is what we normally do, right?). And that's when I got the reason this metaphor wasn't sticking. Right there in the safety presentation were the words ‘only in an emergency'. The unsaid message in the metaphor was, if you are going to take care of yourself before taking care of anyone else, you'd better have a bloody good reason. The house had better be burning down and it has to be an emergency situation by anyone's standards — not just a little diva, ‘Oh, I need more ice in my mojito, stat!' situation.

Because who just grabs an oxygen mask for a normal, non-eventful flight? It's only when the shit hits the fan that we are allowed to make ourselves a priority before snapping into gear to help others. Again the focus is still on how useful we are to other people.

The reality in life, though, is that we need to be reaching for the oxygen mask well before the emergency hits. Taking care of ourselves on the everyday, mundane path that life throws us needs to become our full priority.

Taking care of ourselves on the everyday, mundane path that life throws us needs to become our full priority.

RESET RITUALS

While the preceding toolbox provides some ideas to get you started in the busyness of the moment, the real key to hitting reset is creating some rituals for yourself that you stick to even if you aren't feeling completely snowed in. These are your self-care rituals that need to become your non-negotiables.

In the following lists I've provided some suggestions for weekly, monthly and yearly reset rituals.

For your weekly rituals, consider:

• lunch with a colleague, friend or your team
• a yoga, Pilates or meditation class
• dinner with the family
• a walk along the beach, river or lake in your area (there's something magical about being in or near water).

And here are some possible monthly rituals:

• Book a massage.
• Have a pedicure or manicure (yep, you boys too).
• Go on a hiking trip.
• Be a tourist at home, using a list of local sites, cafes and restaurants you want to explore.

Yearly could include the following:

• Go on an adventure holiday.
• Visit a health retreat.
• Have a favourite book that you read every year.
• Go on a weekend away with the same people at a similar time each year.

BEWARE THE FALSE BREAKS

When it comes to unpacking the actions and activities that fall under your reset button, be mindful of the false breaks. For example, one of the ways that we can ‘chill' is by watching TV. Sure this is a time to switch off your thinking, but it's not always an activity that will leave you feeling refreshed. In fact, TV shows and movies are written and programmed specifically to ignite emotional responses and so harness into your cortisol and adrenaline hormones. While we love these responses, the experience is also exhausting.

One of the other ‘false' breaks we can find ourselves trapped in is the day ‘off' where we end up running around, sorting out paperwork and standing in queues for hours to get the little stuff of our lives done. Sure these days can feel like progress because we're ticking things off, but they ain't a break. The problem with these false breaks is we delude ourselves into thinking we've unplugged — but then when we get back on the treadmill we wonder why we're already counting down the seconds till our next day ‘off'.

BE PURPOSEFUL ABOUT PAUSING

The busier you need to be during the week, the more important it is to carve out moments of downtime now. Don't delay them till later. Be purposeful about pausing, and be realistic about the little moments that help you reset now.

If you sit in the sun and read a book for ten minutes, the balls you've been juggling won't come crashing down. If you have a nanna nap on a Saturday arvo, no-one's going to talk about you (or if they do it will only be out of jealousy). Just remember that it's not the person with the most leave entitlement who wins. Stop waiting till later to address overwhelm. So breathe, carve out space and relax with the same ferocity you work. Your body, your productivity and your peeps will appreciate it more if you stop delaying the downtimes.

In order to do this well, though, we need to be able to set clear boundaries and re-establish them regularly — luckily enough, that's the topic of the next chapter.