CHAPTER 14
GATHER YOUR TRIBE

Breaking new trends, stepping into what truly matters, creating momentum, and being present to the mess, the confusion and the uncertainty of being in Stand Out can be incredibly isolating. Those things you could previously rely on, even if they weren't that great, are now shifting. As your identity starts to shift, so do your relationships, sometimes seismically. Put yourself out there and people will react.

In chapter 1 we spoke about the call to ‘produce' — to ‘bring into being' something that has your fingerprint on it and that could not exist the way it does without your influence on it. Nowhere in the definition of ‘produce' does it say that when you bring something into being it has to be perfect. Worrying that we can only unveil something when we've worked solidly to iron out all the kinks is pointless.

Nowhere in the definition does it say that when you Stand Out you have to do it all alone. Yet we have an unspoken belief that whispers to us that none of our work counts if others help us, and that we have to suffer in silence and do it all to be able to claim the achievement. Our inner martyr rears its ugly head once again and stops us reaching out at the exact time that reaching out is what we need. But when we unpack it, genius never happens in isolation. It's these quiet beliefs that hold us back from living a Stand Out life. Unless we look them square in the eye and call them out.

FROM CUT-OFF TO COMMUNITY

The antidote to this misguided belief that you have to do it all? Gather your tribe. Shift from feeling cut-off to being upheld by a community — your community. You may find that you are gathering a ‘new' tribe — a tribe that upholds you through the challenges of where you want to go. Find the community that becomes your rubber band, springing you forward (rather than the rubber band that snaps you back to the old).

Shift from feeling cut-off to being upheld by a community — your community.

So that you can turn up and invest in others in a way that actually changes them (and doesn't just serve your ego), be purposeful about reaching out and gathering the tribe you need around you. If you're investing in others without having a community to support your vision and actions, you're exposed to the influence of uneducated criticism and the pull of ‘needing to be liked'.

One of the things that I hear often from the people I work with and connect with is a yearning for a safe space to drop the facade and be themselves. I see a collective desire for this space. What I've realised is that every group, networking event and community is wonderful and flawed at the same time. Some will match exactly what you need right now, and others will leave you running for the hills to get away from these ‘crazy' people. Your job is to create the safe space that you need for you — that safe space to land when the inevitable fall, critique and scrutiny come.

Figure out what you need and then connect with the right people for the right purpose at the right time. And if you reach out and they aren't the right people for now, don't stop the search. Just because that door didn't open on the crew you need today, doesn't mean they aren't out there. In an age of global connection people are waiting to be in your corner. Have the courage the pick up the phone, send the email, shoot off a tweet or unleash the carrier pigeon. You don't need to jump back into isolation. Rather than wallowing in the self-pity of ‘no-one understands', get to work on gathering your tribe and creating the community you crave.

GENIUS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN ISOLATION

Do a quick experiment with me. Think about that very moment when Thomas Edison discovered the light bulb. What do you see? Where was he? How long had he been working away in the laboratory before the bulb finally lit up for that very first time and he realised he was onto something?

When I think about this moment, I see young Thomas absorbed in his work on his own. It's midnight, the empty coffee cups are piled on the bench near him and the bags under his eyes look like they're packed for a family holiday to Alaska. In that moment of light, when the globe glowed for the first time, I see him jumping up, sending coffee cups flying across the lab floor, and bursting out the doors, onto the street to call out ‘Eureka!' to anyone who would listen.

We often believe that genius happens right before these ‘Eureka' moments, when the scientist, the expert, the artist slaved away diligently in isolation before uncovering their genius onto the world. The grand ‘Ta-dah!' moment that Hollywood movies are made of.

The reality is that all great inventions have been off the back of teams and groups coming together, and extending off other previous thinking and ideas. Edison had a team of over 30 people working with him on the light bulb work. The ‘Eureka' moment was probably more like a team huddle and a round of awkward high fives. The collective collaborative effort shines the light in these moments (literally, in Edison's circumstance).

Collaboration with your tribe is what sits behind you living a Stand Out life. Those people who you've admired from afar may be the very people to help you in the next stage. Combat the belief that you've got to know all the answers. Ask yourself who can help you here, and then take a chance on reaching out to them. You might find it was worth the effort.

REACH OUT

It was a Friday evening. Nothing unusual about it — the end of a week of activity and the pull of the pause was calling me. The kids were tucked up in bed, so I poured myself my second glass of wine and sat down to watch whatever 1990's movie rerun was on the box. But the joys of running my own business mean that even in this scenario I never quite switch off, and it seems I wasn't the only one.

As I curled up on the lounge, I got a text message from someone I hadn't met but who had mutual connections through an Australian networking group called Business Chicks. The text said, ‘Hey, Ali, you don't know me, but I've seen you pop up on Instagram a few times lately. What you do fascinates me. It would be great to connect with you'. Followed up almost instantly by another message that said, ‘BTW, I never do this, but I've had two glasses of wine so I thought, why not?'

Aside from that sounding like something out of the rom-com movie I was about to watch I was struck by her courage to reach out. Of course, I replied with, ‘I never do this either, but I'm matching you on the wines, so sure. How's next Wednesday sound?'

In a busy world where we constantly meet a multitude of people, how often do we truly reach out and connect with others? More and more people are craving the sense of belonging that comes from a close-knit community who just ‘get you' and get what you're trying to do. You've got great mates and your family are supportive, but they don't really understand what you actually do.

Business can be a lonely place. The buck stops with you on the hard decisions and key choices. So we all want a place that is about more than just swapping business cards and practising our latest sales pitch. We crave a safe place to come together with other like-minded people to challenge each other, learn, grow, support and be supported.

But this sense of feeling ‘cut-off' is not restricted to the business context. Whatever you're working towards — whether you're committed to raising a family, supporting local community endeavours, building your artistic portfolio or working in an organisation — can create this sense of ‘it's just me'.

Magic happens when people come together in service of each other. We crave it. But then we sit back and wait for it to magically come knocking on the door or arrive via a text message on a Friday. What struck me was how incredibly rare this was. In a world where we are infinitely connected — where we know intimate details about people we've never meet — true community is rare.

Magic happens when people come together in service of each other.

Here's the thing. No-one can create the ideal community that you need except you.

It's time to get over yourself and reach out to others to create the community you crave. I get that it's scary. In fact, the key reasons we don't reach out are these:

• Reaching out makes you feel vulnerable: it's scary because you're putting yourself out there. The other person or people might say no or not have the time. Or they might stretch and challenge you in ways you're not ready for.
• Reaching out costs: it takes time, effort and sometimes money if you need to travel to connect with others. Are you prepared to give of yourself to pay these costs?
• Reaching out might not be worth it: you might not have anything in common. It might be a waste of time. Be okay with this uncertainty, because it also may just be the greatest connection you ever made.

Despite these barriers, we need these genuine connections. The friend who tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear; the person who can see the very thing that's sitting in your blind spot; the perspective that you just couldn't get on your own. Without this, you and your ‘why' go stagnant quickly in a fast-paced environment.

Stop waiting for the invite. You have permission to reach out and create the tribe that you want to be a part of, the one that will help you drive your goals for where you are at right now. The perfect community for you.

Reach out and there might just be someone else sitting at home on a lounge watching a 1990's rom-com who is grateful for the courage you took to contact them and say, ‘Let's hook up'. Reach out and gather your tribe, because they don't know you're looking for them.

THE RIGHT PEEPS FOR THE RIGHT PURPOSE

I can't give you a rule book on who you need to hang out with in order to fuel your Stand Out life. It's about finding the right people for the right purpose. Having said that, you do need three groups of people in your corner: the champions (those masters in their field), the challengers (those who stretch you and hold you accountable), and the cheersquad (those who are in your corner no matter what).

Reach out to these people, connect with them and find ways that you can serve them, and they'll repay you.

THE CHAMPIONS

All of us stand on the shoulders of giants — those people who've come before, whose thinking inspires or challenges our own. You can also think of these people as the masters. They may even be champions whose opinions you disagree with, but their thinking allows you to cement your perspective and get greater clarity on why this matters to you.

Your champions may be people you are fortunate enough to be able to spend face-to-face time with. Or they may be experts whose work inspires you from a distance; their influence shapes your thinking and approach. They may even be people who are no longer alive but their legacy impacts on you today.

Your champion list can be extensive and can be in an industry unrelated to yours, but these people still must affect how you interact with the world. Write down who they are and then find ways to devour even more of their stuff. It might be reaching out for a coffee with them, attending events or workshops they run, paying for mentoring with them or reading what they put out. Then teach others the lessons you've learned from your champions.

To expand your champions list, find out who inspires your champions and devour their stuff too. Read twice as many books, listen to more podcasts, and watch more talks (TED is a great place to start).

Take some time out now and explore your champions. Ask yourself:

• Who are my champions?
• How will I engage with them more?
• What do they teach me?

THE CHALLENGERS

The challengers are the people in your life who know how to give tough love. They have an ability to tell you what you need to hear, not only what you want to hear. We may not always want to hear what they have to say, but we need them to help us grow. You could also call them magicians.

They challenge for your good (not theirs), they are thoughtful when they give feedback, and they have a way of leaving you feeling respected in the process.

Before you dive straight into seeking feedback from anyone willing to give it to you, consider these rules around sourcing your challengers:

1. They have expertise: the people to pay attention to need to have a level of expertise in the area; otherwise, you're getting well-intended opinion but it's not necessarily helpful or relevant. If you want to be challenged around your financial status, seek out an accountant or financial planner, not your local barista. You may well have different challengers for different purposes.
2. They understand where you want to be: your challengers need to have an idea about the territory you want to step into and not be intent on putting their own agenda on your direction. If you want to talk about the state of your relationship, talk to someone in a 40-year marriage that's going well, rather than your friend who's going through a divorce.
3. They're completely present for you: true challengers are the ones who are present for you without being distracted by their own agenda. And if they do provide advice that is more about them than you, they have the self-awareness to come back and call that out. They know how to check in and make sure the challenge lands for you.

As you gather your challengers, be wary of the well-meaning advice-givers. Those are the people who will give you their opinion, whether you ask for it or not. And this advice can come from the delusion of expertise. We all have it. For me, it emerges when I'm watching a grand slam tennis tournament. From the comfort of my lounge, without a single piece of tennis expertise, I become the armchair commentator on what the players need to do. Don't they know if they just served and volleyed they'd have won an hour ago!

It's these armchair experts we need to be wary of. Seek instead to invest in the advice of those who both know what they're talking about, and have your best interest at heart. When it comes to gathering these people ask yourself:

• Who are my challengers?
• What areas in my life are seeking to be challenged more?

THE CHEERSQUAD

These are the people who are absolutely in your corner, celebrating your every step — the people who are there with the bubbly when you succeed, and the brainstorming session when the setback sets in. You may call them your mates. Your cheersquad is authentic, organic and almost embarrassingly over-the-top. I'm talking the frantic fanatics here, not the polished cheerleaders.

If you think about cheerleaders at sporting events, they are (usually) perfectly in sync and highly manufactured. Their outfits are engineered, their poses are overly practised. Cheerleading is a sport — they train and when it comes to game day, they deliver. But once game day is done, they pack up their pompoms and head home.

The kind of cheersquad you want is the passionate fanatic in the stands. The one who lives for the game, and when the final whistle is done they are still shouting the win from the rafters. You want the rebel on the hill who is unashamedly passionate. Your cheersquad needs to be just a little bit crazy and delusional about how awesome you really are.

As you move into Stand Out, your cheersquad may evolve. Doing the thing that lights you up and having the courage to set boundaries can be incredibly confronting for some people. Perhaps people you thought were in your corner slip out the back door when it comes time to blow the final whistle. That's okay.

You'll have different cheersquads for different purposes. My dad is my number one fan. He's proud of everything I do and is incredibly supportive. In fact, I couldn't do what I do without his support — it's phenomenal. And yet, most of the time he's got no idea what I do. And that's okay. Others in my cheersquad understand the depth of what it takes to get up, turn up, and show up in the kind of work I do. Gather your work squad, your family squad, your relationship squad, your art squad.

Who are the people in your cheersquad?

INVEST IN OTHERS

Your champions, challengers and cheersquad are your others. Invest in them. They can absolutely be the same person, but they may not. Don't be afraid to pay for their time. You might be one of the lucky few who can find someone in your social life who fulfils all these roles. If you can't find someone to fulfil these roles for you, source them and pay for their time. Typically, it's the challengers that we don't spend enough on. We don't engage in (or with) the people whose opinions, given specifically for our context, can shift us significantly. By investing in them, you'll invest in your future self.

Gather your tribe at the start and they'll be there to celebrate with you at the end (and along the way). It starts with asking for help.

ASK FOR HELP

Asking for help is scary. It's confronting. It can feel like ‘giving up' — like the final straw to admitting that you can't do it all on your own. And yet until we allow ourselves the vulnerability to truly ask for help from others, our growth and influence will be limited. You can't (and you won't) do it all solo. Drop the facade and ask for help.

When I say it's time to ask for help, I don't mean the ‘Oh, it would be nice if you could, maybe, possibly, but I don't want to intrude …' type of hinting for help. I mean looking the person in the eye and saying, ‘I need your help'. If this comes naturally for you, brilliant. Keep it up. In fact, stretch further — you never know when your request will open doors you previously thought were only for those with the secret code. But if, like a lot of people, you struggle to ask for help, this barrier is one that needs confronting.

Start by asking yourself what beliefs you have about asking for help.

Maybe you see it as a sign of weakness? Maybe it's something that others do but never you? Never. Maybe asking for help requires you to be honest that you can't do it all on your own? Maybe you see asking for help as social suicide or vocational suicide?

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

People want to be a part of your compelling ‘why'. They want to contribute to your bigger vision and be inspired by what is possible. Asking them to support you and help you doesn't diminish their ‘why'; it doesn't impose on them or drag them away from what they want to do. In fact, contributing to your bigger vision fuels their ‘why' with inspiration and possibility, because helping you creates a sense of belonging and connects them to a tribe that is there to cheer them on too. Give them the joy of helping — if you don't, you deny others sharing the journey with you.

When you Stand Out you give others permission to do the same.

It might sound like all you need to do is have the courage to ask and the rest will be all roses, sunsets and mojitos. But that may not always be the case. In fact, that won't always be the case. When you reach out and ask for help, others may say no, or they may say yes but then not deliver (which can feel worse). It's not a given that they will drop everything, organise the parade and wave the banners to cheer you home. If they say no, it's not a reason to demand a refund on your friends. Often it's not about you and is more about what's going on for them. And that is totally okay. Remember their boundaries are as important as yours. Honour them for sticking to what's true to them.

Trust others enough to ask them for help. Respect them enough to allow them to say no. Trust yourself enough to cope. Love yourself enough to keep asking.

Remember — when you Stand Out you give others permission to do the same.

CREATE YOUR COMMUNITY

Here are some tips for creating your tribe:

• Be clear on what you want to learn: just saying you want to connect with other cool peeps is not enough. Be specific.
• Ask: the reality is that other people are craving the connections and learning that you are.
• Find your challengers: be open to seek out people who will stretch you and your thinking. If you go for the safe options, your goal to grow may not be met.
• Be vulnerable: share what scares you and what you need help with.
• Come together with generosity and gratitude: go into these connections with the mindset of sharing with others the things that would be of value for them.

    STAND OUT WRAP UP

This is the sweet spot and the toughest terrain you've faced to date. Exploring what will shift for you in this state is key to sticking with it through the mess. Finding ways to move from blindsided to bold, from trend-getter to trendsetter, from cut-off to community will be the supports you need to live a Stand Out life. As you do, make sure you come back to these three key actions:

1. Be present: this is the time to stop and breathe. Being present to the clarity of your purpose and having awareness of the progress is equally as important as being present to the mess in the success. Be curious about the shifts for you; know that every great story and transformation comes with sticky moments. Be present and bold in yours.
2. Do it your way: now more than ever we live in a world where disruption is breeding innovation. Focus on your values, the skills you have and your unique perspective to have the courage to create your own trend.
3. Gather your tribe: genius doesn't happen in isolation. Gather the champions, the challengers and the cheersquad that will be in your corner as you live this incredible Stand Out life. Have the courage to reach out and ask for what you need. Give others the honour and the joy to be a part of your amazing journey.

SO, WHERE ARE YOU AT?

Look at where you are now across these elements, then jot down what drags you back to the left side, and what sees you leaping and bounding over to the right. Now zoom in on the areas you want to focus on.