Life sure is messy. And, honourably, the messier it gets, the more we try to organise it, control it and make it manageable — which itself is busy work. When we're in this frame of mind, we wake up in the morning, world rushing at us, throw a coffee over our worries and rip in — continually driven by a belief that life wouldn't be this messy if we were more organised, fitter, smarter; if we just had it all together.

So we pile up our to-do list higher than a teenage boy's dinner plate at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Paradoxically, this puts us under even more pressure, and feeling more overwhelmed with all the things we have to do. The pressure of trying to keep it together while we stem the tide of messy becomes too much. But don't you dare drop any of those balls you're juggling!

Get busier. Try harder. That's the answer. Or is it?

Let's take a little sneaky peek at the results: we're overloaded, tired, stressed, tired, busy, tired, exhausted … did I say tired? And the impact of this is being felt across the board. In her book The Sleep Revolution, Arianna Huffington (co-founder and editor-in-chief of The Huffington Post) highlights that #tired has been used over 27 million times on Instagram, and if you type ‘why am I so …' into a Google search, the most common end to this sentence is ‘tired'. Globally, we're all desperate to find a way out of weary.

We need to face facts: we are stuffing up our lives by trying to work harder at working hard. This intent, seemingly noble on the surface, is a sure-fire way of losing your health, happiness and sanity. We need a different approach — one that doesn't cost us these essential components of our lives, and something that's more than just working harder.

OPEN 24/7

We live in a time where ‘open 24/7' has been sold to us as a convenience. And in a lot of ways it is. We now are able to go to the gym and pump weights at 2 am if we want to, bop down the aisles of the local supermarket to Richard Marx's greatest hits long after those pesky school kids have gone to bed, and scream into the pharmacy for an urgent order of fungal cream whenever we want (okay that last one is actually quite convenient). When we find ourselves on the couch, we can watch whatever we want, whenever we want, rather than viewing times being dictated to us by the networks. And who doesn't love a good binge-watch? Yep, you can watch zombies in varying states of decay on The Walking Dead to your heart's content — with no ad breaks — and scare the bejesus out of yourself for 10 hours straight if you so well please. Our world is like a giant remote control.

Play. Rewind. Fast forward. Play again. But the pause button? She's-a-broken.

This ease of convenience has crossed over into our connectivity and communications. The flexibility in how we interact, when we interact and who we interact with around the globe has fundamentally changed the way that we connect with each other, including random strangers who can be granted our time and attention at the expense of those in front of us. (C'mon, you've surely whiled away a couple of hours of your precious time in some sort of Facey-post ‘serve-volley-return', haven't you?)

So while this connectivity has brought us many bonuses, it has also come with a few downsides, and perhaps the most obvious downside is the intrusion on our time. While we have more demands within our day, the parameters haven't changed. We still have only 24 hours in a day, and 7 days in a week. You can't do anything that will give you bonus hours. If you waste a day, you don't have hours striped from you. You've got 24 hours, in 60-minute lots. That's your quota. Something has to take a hit and wear the cost of stretching this time too far. The collateral damage is a collective feeling of overwhelm in our society that means we are constantly running in a million different directions. The fight for your attention is real: the project, the mother-in-law, the chocolate cake sitting in the communal fridge at work. Couple this feeling with the relentless change environment that we are now facing, particularly in our places of work, and the result is higher exhaustion levels and shorter fuses. Within the corporate world, organisations no longer speak about five year plans — because they don't know what the lay of the land is going to be in five months' time, let alone five years. Change is absolutely relentless and individuals are merely holding on.

Phew! Have I cheered you up? #sorrynotsorry

Among this busyness we find that we snap quicker than we should, we disconnect from the people we love the most, and we get caught up doing what we think we should be doing, leaving what we want to be doing at the bottom of the pile — gathering dust because we keep adding to the pile. As a result, we end up consumed by fear, worry and guilt about postponing the things that really matter to us — and then trying to numb the despair we feel. Busy is the boss and we're its faithful servants, turning up full pelt whenever it snaps its fingers. Losing sleep, losing our mind, and losing connection to what we truly love. This, ultimately, has an impact on our health, our happiness and our sanity.

Is any of this resonating with you? If you're nodding your head like one of those dashboard bobble-head thingos, it's okay. You're not alone — and it doesn't have to stay like this.

BECOMING THE BOSS OF BUSY

As a psychologist I connect with people every day who are drowning in expectations. Before going into this any further, though, I first want you to check the mental picture you have going on in your head of a psych with a client. You might be thinking leather couches, inkblot butterflies or people incoherently babbling while being surrounded by empty Doritos packets. Well, nope. The people I work with are achieving amazing things. They're nailing projects, leading teams and workplaces into the future, and running families like ninja warriors — from the outside, there's not a straightjacket in sight. Their lives look normal; successful, complete, even. But inside it looks decidedly different — because on the inside, they're screaming for it all to stop. For someone to notice their desperation.

They are hoping that their time to jump off the treadmill, even for a moment, comes soon. These are the people sitting next to you on the train; one could be the person in the cubicle next to yours or the neighbour you pass as you put out the bins. This is me, you, him and her. We recognise the screams and cries for help because we've added to the choir. We've drunk (gorged ourselves, actually) at the fountain of too much, and then felt the ache for relief. But it hasn't arrived and what's left ain't pretty.

Even when we are being pulled in a million different directions, we can feel calm in the chaos. We can move from martyr to centred, and from being ‘over it' to ‘I'm all over it'.

Rather than continue the horror story that plays out in your mirror, I can assure you this: through science-based research I've identified a different path towards a fulfilled life we can walk on; actually, we can bloody well stride on it with the stride of a warrior — confident and purposeful with power. We can take big leaping bounds, not driven through fear, pressure or haste. Even when we are being pulled in a million different directions, we can feel calm in the chaos. We can move from martyr to centred, and go from being ‘over it' to ‘I'm all over it'. We can put busy in its place, telling it to take a back seat for a while.

Yep, that's right — we can become the boss of busy rather than the other way round. Truth.

What would it be like for you if you had these moments of clarity even among the busyness? What if, even when life was rushing at you (sometimes in the form of a toddler with a spoonful of porridge aimed directly at your freshly ironed work shirt moments before you step out the door on your way to a major presentation), you could re-centre, reconnect and come back to what's really important? What would it feel like to rise above the noise and turn up feeling calm, focused and clear on what's important to your day? Huh?

Imagine having clarity about what really mattered to you at any given moment, and being able to make decisions based on that, rather than what's urgent (or at least someone else's urgent).

Imagine being excited about the progress you were making towards those things that truly matter. Even in the moments when it feels like the goal-posts have shifted, significantly — not just to another postcode but to another country — imagine being able to straighten up, grit your teeth and summon another effort. Like a boss. It'd be rad, don't you think?

And, let's face it: the alternative sucks balls. Being in a rut. Ergh.

What the research shows is that one of the unhealthiest places human beings can find themselves is feeling stuck. Despair shows up when we fundamentally believe that nothing will change, and that tomorrow is going to be exactly like today.

So let's make a deal. Let's tell that rut you've found yourself in that you're moving out. The lease is up and it can find itself a new tenant. Because when you truly break free of that feeling of being stuck, it's, well … beautiful. The grass is greener and the sky is bluer. Having belief and evidence that tomorrow is going to be different is such a powerful force it's a life-changer. But let's not get ahead of ourselves thinking about double rainbows and frolicking in pastures watered by unicorn tears. Let's stay grounded because we have much work to do.

WHAT IF NOTHING CHANGED?

Take a moment to take stock of your life right here and now. You've picked up this book for a reason. Something tweaked your interest — even if it was just, ‘What's this crazy psychologist got to say that I haven't already heard before?'

Well, I have a starting question for you, and it's a biggie.

As you consider your life and the stressors you feel on a daily basis, consider the relationships you have, and consider that growing to-do list that consumes and eclipses the pile of ‘damn-I-wish-I-could' items. After considering all this, now think about this:

If nothing were to change for you, what would that mean?

Sure, it sounds a little crazy, but really taking some time to pick at the seams of this question is worthwhile. What would it mean if things kept going as they are? What would it mean in five months' time? What would it mean in five years' time? Take a few minutes, grab a pen and piece of paper, and jot down a couple of words that come to mind for you.

Perhaps you're thinking, You know what, Ali? Life's pretty good and I'm really happy with it. Awesome. Skim-read this book and pat yourself on the back when you read something that makes you think, Yep, got that covered! Keep moving forward, keep making progress and connect it to what matters. You can look for the occasional titbit to help you even more with the stuff you love doing. You're on fire. Keep at it.

On the other hand, if your response is more like a soul-sinking Oh-hell-no/I don't want to sit in this fear, mess and despair anymore/This is not good enough, not yet, now's the time for a reframe. Remember: self-calm, not self-harm.

This soul-sinking feeling now becomes your drive, your reason to do the required work. This is the motivation to ask yourself, ‘Where am I going to make changes?' and ‘How am I going to turn up even when it's really difficult?'

If this sounds like you, we have work to do. It's not easy work and I can't give you a silver bullet that will cure it all overnight, but if you're ready to go through the hard stuff, I can tell you it will reward you. Therefore, read on, you adventurer of spirit. Let's step through this together.

WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN?

When a house is on fire, those hot-as-hell firemen (and firewomen) get to work on putting out the fire. They don't stand there pontificating about the likely causes of the fire or who is at fault. Their task is urgent. They back the truck up, flex their muscles, grab their big hoses and get to work.¹

But once the fire is out, the other work still needs to happen. Once the urgency has passed, the fire investigators need to come in and determine the reasons for the fire. And while their insights can't magically reverse the tragic event of a house burning down, if the investigators didn't come in after the fire was out, we'd never see changes to aspects such as building standards or efforts put into building evacuations. The truth is the high-pressure, rapid work of fire-fighting has saved countless lives, but the number of lives saved through carefully considered investigative methods and reporting is unimaginably more.

Sure, for some elements in your life you won't have the time to ask the real question about how you can work better, lead better, handle this situation differently. You'll just need to put the fire out. Now. Toddler running towards a busy road? No time to review your parenting skills, just grab that anklebiter! Work project due in six hours and your computer crashes? No time to research the latest laptop options and customer reviews, just get the damn thing in!

But (and this is a super-big but — like, a Nikki-Minaj-big but) you can't let everything become urgent. A part of you is yearning for the time and space to deal with the big, important issues. So let's not have that swamped. The onus is on you to make this space. My intent is that this book provides you with the permission to do that.

We're going to explore a new possibility as I present you with new ways of facing your day, managing your tasks, and taming your inner voice. You're going to find clarity in your decisions as I show you ways to get clear on your purpose. And I'm not talking exclusively about mahlife'spurpose — the huge stuff— but, importantly, all the other stuff. Like why you're meeting with Sally on Monday morning, and why you're washing up after the kids go to bed. Okay, finding a purpose for that last one might be a little harder but, for now, go with me on this — because when we can connect our daily tasks to what's important to us, the decisions and priority schedules become so much easier.

This book is broken into five parts. The first part addresses that whisper that occasionally builds into a roar, that question that rears its ugly head when it seems the whole world is going batshit-crazy (or when we can't see what to do next) — how do I get my shit together?

Once we've covered getting your shit together (GYST) in part I, we'll go through a simple self-diagnostic to help you identify what to focus on now to move away from three oft-felt cognitive states:

• Check Out: the sense that you don't actually belong in your world, along with the feeling that your contribution is without worth, and the simplest way to stop the pain is to turn up physically but not invest too much mentally or emotionally.
• Burn Out: the feeling you are on a treadmill that is dialled too fast for your legs, your brain and your talents to keep pace with, and that you'll fall down at any given moment. You dare not stop, though, and so just hold on tight.
• Freak Out: that overriding anxiety generated by having found a sense of direction, but feeling like you're struggling to take meaningful steps forward.

And you know what? If you read those three states and thought Omergawd. I'm in all three!, that's perfectly fine. Because I'm going to show you how to move from Check Out, Burn Out or Freak Out to a state that's much, much better: Stand Out.

So the remaining four parts of this book (parts II to V) will focus on key actions when we're in these four states. And the three chapters within each of these parts highlight the three key actions for each of the states. This book is your guide to these four states, but the reality is all of us spend time in all of the states. So when you find yourself in any of these states, use this book to work your way through them. This is your compass when you're in the rough seas.

In many chapters you'll also come across a ‘life hack'. These life hacks are practical challenges based on psychological research and are opportunities to jolt the broken record of your current behaviours and step into new behaviours. These life hacks may stretch you, and in some cases you may even want to dismiss them, saying something like, ‘That'll never work for me'. But let's cut a deal. If you give them a go, I'll promise not to say ‘I told yer so!' when they do work. You see, the actions and suggestions within this book aren't plucked from the sky; they're born of science. They work. And if you're ever in doubt, dial up your curiosity for something different. Maybe, just maybe, another approach would be interesting to explore. There is great truth in the old adage, ‘If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. Lean into these challenges and consider the learnings that arise for you — something just might shift as you do.

IT'S YOUR TIME TO STAND OUT

So, I have a confession to make. I listen to Keith Urban (by choice), and sometimes I fart while doing yoga. Okay, that was two confessions but, hey, I figured we've gotten to know each other by now. #BFFs #deepandmeaningful

I'm a really long way from living the perfect life. But I wouldn't swap it for all the shoes in Carrie Bradshaw's walk-in wardrobe. Seriously, how did we get to this point where we need everything to be perfect before we can start? The house, the clothes, the car, the waistline, the white teeth; if we just wait till they're all perfect, then I can get about the task of being awesome. But it's a furphy, fool's gold and a mirage all wrapped up in one. Now is the time to stand out — like, this very second.

Typically, I come across amazing men and women who hold themselves back because they're not sure if it's their time. They're afraid of push back, of being judged, of being isolated from their peers and loved ones. Of course, to change oneself is to be different from the norm, so we fit in. Stay the same. Join the herd.

Being invited to stand out is scary, and it's easier to not do it; to let others have the limelight and shelve our own plans for awesomeness until we're really ready. In some ways, it is easy to see why we default to helping others in front of ourselves. We get so much by giving to others, and by lifting them up.

Here's the thing, though: it's not mutually exclusive. Scarcity thinking makes us believe it is, but we live in abundance. We can do both things. We can stand out in our life and lift others up. In fact, we owe it to the men and women who come after us to stand out. Wouldn't you want your daughter to know that it's possible to feel comfortable in a space that has previously been held only for the ‘boys' clubs', for example, and to stand on her own two feet, comfortable in her own skin? Wouldn't you want your son to have the confidence to say when it's all too much and find his way back healthily from the brink of pressure?

I wrote this book for my daughter, who is strong-willed, spirited, adventure-loving and curious, and whose gifts to the world need to be shared. I wrote this book for my mum, who set the example of how showing vulnerability is one of the hardest endeavours, and the only thing that truly ties us together (even when it's tough and others don't like what they see in the mirror). I wrote this book for my son, whose kind heart will be threatened by an archaic macho male culture's attempts to harden it, yet who will be capable of flipping the tables and becoming a leader of men through love, not force, if he chooses.

And, ultimately, I wrote this book for you. It's your turn to stand out, but you won't be alone. A tsunami of people is in your corner cheering you on, ready for you to step out of the shadows.

This work is not easy. You can't just do it once and then sit back and admire your creation. You need to sign up for the long haul. If that's not you right now, if this change is not important enough to you yet, shut this book, hand it to a friend or let it gather dust till you're ready. But if you're prepared to do hard things (which you are infinitely capable of doing, by the way), let's roll up our sleeves and get to it. The rewards at the other end may just blow your mind.