CHAPTER 04
RE-ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES
Feeling resentful; frustrated; like you're being taken advantage of, walked over and uncared for: these reactions are all a result of either poor boundaries or, worse still, no boundaries at all. Sitting in Check Out, we lose sight of ourselves, of what matters, and spend quality time wallowing in self-pity and regret. The cloak of victimhood fits like an old worn shoe that we slip back into time and time again — unfashionable, slightly musty but familiar.
The result is brutal.
We can feel and act like a victim; like our needs don't matter. Our belief that the sacrifice is honourable and others will notice (eventually) is the hope that we don't dare whisper, let alone speak too loudly. When you've tried to stop being the victim in the past, perhaps you've recognised the need to set boundaries, and you may even have gone down the path of speaking up, but these actions didn't stick — which makes the pain dig even deeper. No wonder the cost of sitting in Check Out is our happiness!
FROM VICTIM TO VALIDATED
The rise of resentment also occurs when we're stuck in the legacy of past-boundaries — ones that haven't been readjusted despite circumstances changing. You started staying back a little later during the week of your induction so you could feel on top of things in your new role — and seven years later this has become your norm. If what is set in place is not serving you right now, something needs to change. After hitting the reset button (refer to the previous chapter), now is the time to reassess where your time and energy go. Because the truth is, if you don't set your boundaries, others will set them for you.
To set boundaries that stick you need to enlist the help of two qualities:
- courage: to set boundaries around the things that are important to you
- conviction: to turn them into boundaries that stick.
Imagine not feeling resentment when you say yes (and not saying yes through gritted teeth, knowing full well that you'd rather poke your eye with a burnt stick repeatedly … for hours … while listening to the next-door teenager's drumming practice than actually do this thing you've agreed to). When we combine courage and conviction we step into being validated.
Shifting from victim to validated starts with giving ourselves permission to say what riles us — and recognising that listening to these objections is important. That your needs matter. It's completely valid to need to have some time and space for yourself, just as it's completely valid to say ‘no' to your son's Year 3 reading group, to let your boss know you're not available to work next weekend, and to turn down a great opportunity because it clashes with something you already have on. So start with giving yourself permission to own your truth.
Be warned: it's not easy work setting boundaries, particularly new boundaries. The rewards, however, are worth it. This is your time to move from feeling like the victim to feeling validated; have the courage to listen to your inner voice first, and then have the conviction to follow through.
THE THREE MYTHS ABOUT BOUNDARIES
Why is setting boundaries so important? Let's answer that question by looking at what our inner gremlins whisper to us about boundaries. These are the three myths about boundaries that need to be pulled down a peg or two.
MYTH #1: BOUNDARIES ARE SELFISH
Society sees being selfish as the equivalent of wearing a blue singlet and short-shorts to a royal wedding. It's basically social suicide and should be avoided at all times. And then our inner monologue kicks into gear with its greatest argument of all time about why not to set boundaries: ‘If I set a boundary then it's all about me, and seriously who am I anyway?' This myth trips us up and shuts down our needs in a heartbeat.
TRUTH #1: BOUNDARIES ALLOW US TO CARE MORE DEEPLY FOR OTHERS
Your boundaries aren't all about you. When you set clear boundaries — that is, when you know yourself well enough to be able to articulate your needs — you present your best self at any situation. In a conversation with a colleague or when connecting with close family or a friend, we get to serve and be present for them in a way that we can't be if we are feeling resentful and unheard. Setting boundaries is one of the most selfless things we can do because we get ourselves out of the way and we get resentment off the table. When we sit and wallow in resentment we drive a wedge between our relationships, and the unspoken frustration creates disconnection. Let's go for less ‘huffing' and more ‘hugging'.1
MYTH #2: SETTING BOUNDARIES PUSHES PEOPLE AWAY
This is an interesting myth. Worrying about how the other person involved will react and take our needs stops us from expressing them. ‘Well, no I can't,' we tell ourselves, ‘because xx will take it badly. And I still want them around; I actually still want them in my life'.
TRUTH #2: SETTING BOUNDARIES GIVES OTHERS PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME
The people who are the most compassionate in our world have strong boundaries in their relationships, according to Dr Brené Brown's research. They know exactly what's important to them and they're willing to say no or yes and stand by their conviction because of self-compassion. This doesn't strip them of compassion for others.
When we see others set boundaries and remain compassionate for others, it gives us permission to do the same. For example, in our business we've had a few moments where we've been taken aback by how others operate in business. Not because it was bad or sinister, but because our reaction was ‘Are you allowed to do that?' The first time we turned down a potential client because the values of their organisation didn't match with ours, for example, was difficult. I mean, who turns down work? But we had the courage and conviction to do it because we'd seen others do the same.
It turned out that, yes, we were allowed to do that.
MYTH #3: SETTING BOUNDARIES TAKES TOO MUCH TIME
‘Arghhh … I'd have to sit down and explain this to 50 million people; I don't have the time for that and, really, what's the friggin point? I've got too much on my plate at the moment, and I don't have time for the angst and backlash too'. I hear you, and I challenge you with the following truth.
TRUTH #3: TAKING TIME NOW WILL FREE UP TIME (AND YOUR ANGST) LATER
The top cost of not setting boundaries is time, because being stuck as the victim consumes your thoughts and your mental energy. This is time and space that could be used much more constructively. We teach people how to treat us, so if something or someone is frustrating you and you don't call that out for what it is, you're allowing it to continue, and basically saying that's okay. If someone's actions are frustrating you, it's not about that person; it's about what you haven't put into place — that is, the lack of boundaries that allows this to continue to be okay.
LISTEN TO THE NIGGLES
How do you know which boundaries are important for you to set? We can often fall into the trap of hearing someone else's great idea and then taking it for our own. Of course, I'm not against borrowing ideas, but just because something works for Mary-down-the-road doesn't mean it's what we need right now.
When we don't set clear boundaries, it becomes okay for us to blame others and also give ourselves leeway around what really matters. ‘Oh,' we might say, ‘it's not really that important'. We start to doubt a boundary was ever important, assuming that if it was we would have done something about it. The truth is we didn't fail to set the boundary because it wasn't important, but because we feared the push back that might have come from that tough conversation.
So the way to know which boundaries to focus on is to first listen to your niggles. What are those things that grate on you and aggravate you? Your frustrations can become your guide to re-establishing your boundaries.
The little niggles turn into big frustrations if we ignore them, so they need your attention. Ask the niggle what it's telling you and what it wants, and think about how this could be different for you.
FOUR TOOLS TO SET BOUNDARIES THAT STICK
Let's unpack four great tools to help you set boundaries that everyone can see.
TOOL #1: EXPAND YOUR OPTIONS; KNOW YOUR PREFERENCES
Often we think in a binary way, believing that our choice is either we do it or we don't do it; it's A or B, yes or no. It's time to lift our head above the dual options to see the whole spectrum of options that are actually available.
If you find yourself in the trap of two options, dig a little deeper. For example, rather than considering ‘should I go to this meeting or not?' get your creative on and consider other options. You could:
- go to the meeting and take control of the agenda (avoiding waffle)
- go to the meeting for a short period of time (just the bit you need to influence)
- not go to the meeting but follow up by getting the notes
- not go to the meeting and give a colleague the issues you want addressed or questions to be discussed
- phone into the meeting and be available on speaker phone for discussion, avoiding the downtime of travel, parking and finding the room
- have the meeting at your favourite cafe/restaurant/on a tropical island resort (geez, you'll be busting to go then!).
Starting to explore these options moves the decision away from a simple yes or no answer, and into considering what's most important and how it can be delivered. Through this process you'll get clearer on what your preference is. Understanding what's bugging you, what frustrates you and where that resentment comes from will help you get clearer on what your non-negotiables are.
Whenever you feel stuck on the ‘should I or shouldn't I?' seesaw, grab your pen and paper and jot down every option that comes to mind. The wilder the better—don't filter, and just get those little brain bursts down. Even allow yourself to write down exactly how you would like things to play out. What's your ideal? Then consider the gold in even the wildest of answers, and consider the compromise in your ideal. If a tropical island resort is not a feasible option for your weekly team meetings, maybe you could be the cool one who brings leis and coconut oil to the table!
Understanding what's bugging you, what frustrates you and where that resentment comes from will help you get clearer on what your non-negotiables are.
TOOL #2: DROP THE ‘HINT'
When we know what we want (our preferences) and how it could potentially play out2 (our options), the next step is to be truly honest with yourself about where the flex level is. Think about a rubber band for this metaphor — how far are you willing to flex? And where is your outer stretch point? (Hopefully this is before you get anywhere near your breaking point.) Unless we do the work on understanding and articulating these limits for ourselves, we can't expect anyone else to honour them for us. So often our boundaries are ignored and trodden on because we simply hint at them, rather than being clear on their importance. Or we go the other way and everything is urgent and important and no-one's listening because there's a little bit of ‘boy who cried wolf' playing out.
Mind-reading is not a default setting for us human beings. (Of all the amazing things human beings can do, mind-reading is certainly not one of them.) So stop gushing and hoping people will pick up what you're puttin' down. They're dealing with their own stuff and their own internal dialogue, and worrying about who's going to win The X Factor next week. Stop assuming they know what you need — they only know when you tell them. So be explicit about what's okay and what's really not okay. Ever. At. All.
So often we fume and ‘hint' but don't have the courage to get explicit. I recall running a program where one of the participants started talking about the frustration she felt that every single night after dinner her kids and husband would walk away from the table and leave her to clean up. Her husband would sit in front of the TV and the kids would move on to making a mess in their rooms. Our conversation at the program went a bit like this:
Her: I've been putting up with this and haven't said anything because I don't want to be the nagging wife, but it really frustrates me.
Me: Have you asked them to help?
Her: Well, I hint.
Me: I'm wondering if you throw the cutlery in the sink sometimes? I know, because I've been there.
Her: Yep, totally.
Me: Does your husband respond to that?
Her: Nope, he just keeps watching TV. He just turns up the volume a bit more.
Any of this sound familiar? Sometimes you need to be bold enough to say, ‘Hey, I need this to change. We need to do things differently. What are we going to do about it?' Whatever the outcome is, we can't even start the conversation until we sit down and say, ‘I'm not going to put up with this'. For the woman at my program, she needed to say she wasn't going to put up with being the only person to clean up after dinner.
A useful context to also consider when you're speaking up is the required intensity level. Marsha Linehan's work within clinical psychology settings provides an excellent framework to refer to when deciding whether a hint will do or whether the foot has to come down. Linehan identifies that when it comes to setting boundaries, they usually fall into one of two categories: either we're asking for something, or we're refusing something. Adapting Linehan's work, the following frameworks provide a scale from one to five to help you identify your required intensity level in each of the two categories.
Here's the scale for when you're asking for something:
- 1 It'd be kinda nice, maybe, if it's not too much trouble if you did this (but I don't want to impose on you).
- 2 I'd really like it if …
- 3 Let's do this if it works for you …
- 4 I need this to happen this way, but I can negotiate on how.
- 5 Absolutely non-negotiable; this HAS to happen.
And here's the scale for when you're refusing something:
- 1 Hmmmm … I guess so.
- 2 Not that keen, really, but I'll do it anyway (half-heartedly).
- 3 I'm really not keen but I can do it this once.
- 4 No, I can't do this, but I can compromise on …
- 5 THE FOOT IS DOWN!3
Looking back at the woman from my program who talked about not being the only person to clean up after dinner, her intensity level when she spoke out needed to shift from a one up to at least a four.
Refer to these scales and match the required intensity level to the situation. Have the courage to elevate your request or your refusal if what you're currently doing is not getting traction. Be mindful, though, if everything is at an intensity level of five all the time — doing so won't have as much impact as using this level for the stuff that really matters. Know where your flex is and where your outer stretch point is. Drop the ‘hint' and make it explicit. This work is hard — it requires your courage — but it's not as hard as carrying resentment around.
TOOL #3: BE OKAY WITH PUSH BACK
The truth is that we teach people how to treat us. If something is frustrating you and leaving you feeling resentful, it's often because you haven't pulled it up or called it out. The first harsh truth with this tool starts with realising that you are 100 per cent responsible for your role in the situation. Ask yourself this: what have I done or what have I not yet done to make this situation okay?
One of the reasons we don't stand behind the boundaries we want to set is because of the tyranny of ‘being liked'. Each and every one of us wants to be liked, and it's not pleasant being the brunt of someone else's frustration. Faced with this dilemma, our ego steps in and says, ‘Whoooaa. Hold up there, buddy. I should be liked, I'm a good person, I'm not nasty or mean'.
Instead of worrying about being liked, be anchored in yourself and certain in your worth, and aware that push back doesn't mean that you are a ‘bad' person. It means you're a ‘boundaried' person. If others don't get that right here and now, they may get it down the track. And that's okay.
The second reality that can hit you smack in the face is that while you've shifted the people around you, you may not — and they may not — like that you've done so. Collectively we crave certainty, and setting boundaries changes the game. Others may riot and revolt in a big way. Push back is not an indication that the boundary is wrong; it's an indication that it's important.
When we have the courage to make a change, for a period of time others need to get up to speed. We need to be okay with the other person saying, ‘Hey, I'm not okay with this because it changes the dynamic of our relationship'. Of course, there's every chance they won't articulate it exactly like this, if they articulate their feelings at all. In fact, how this more often plays out is by them ignoring your calls, getting into a huff and sniping at you — but, essentially them not being okay is what they are letting you know.
Push back is also a form of testing your conviction on the boundary. Did you really mean that? Or was that just a Monday whim that won't even last the distance till Tuesday? This is the opportunity to use your grown-up important voice and say, ‘Hey, I'm really serious about this'. This is the opportunity to call others' behaviour into line if your boundary doesn't happen, saying something like, ‘Look, we had a conversation about xx; it hasn't happened, so let's make sure it happens next time'. Sticking to your boundaries sets up the possibility of a really healthy conversation about why and what the new lay of the land looks like for everyone.
The positive flip of the push back is that it may be constructive. Maybe you hadn't considered certain things, or some evidence and data emerges that you didn't have that might change where your boundary starts and finishes. This could be a way for you to continue to grow and make that boundary flexible. Check in with this and see what's constructive — and what's the kind of riot that's really just about someone throwing their toys out of the cot.
TOOL #4: STOP APOLOGISING (#SORRYNOTSORRY)
Why is it when we're given a wrong order at a restaurant or our chicken is undercooked that we start the conversation with the wait staff by apologising? Saying sorry has become a reflex we don't even realise we're doing — it just happens. When it comes to gender, two studies from the University of Waterloo found that while men are just as willing as women to apologise, they had a higher threshold for what they felt they needed to apologise for. Women are much more likely to default to saying sorry over little things.
The language you use when setting boundaries matters. Notice how your language can either allow you to own them or undermine them. A strong boundary is undermined by an apology, and ‘sorry' is not the only word that indicates this.
Ellen Petry Leanse, former Google executive, published an article in Business Insider after she made a shocking discovery about how often people in the organisation she'd just started working in used the word ‘just' in emails.4 This proportion was significantly higher among women in the organisation. Maybe you use something similar to the following:
‘I just wanted to check in …'
‘This will just take a moment …'
‘If you could just give me an answer …'
‘I just wanted to follow up …'
‘Just seeing if that makes sense …'
Leanse believes that the sample from her organisation is a reflection of a far greater endemic across our society. The use of ‘just' is not all about being polite, in a subtle way it's a permission word — an apology for interrupting, a quiet voice that says ‘don't mind me'. When we remove the j-word from our language, written and verbal, we have greater confidence and what we say holds greater weight. The phenomenon of ‘oh, sorry' is alive and kicking in our language and needs to be kicked to the curb.
SET IT — THE UNIVERSE WILL TEST IT
In the very moment that we set a clear boundary, it's my experience, and possibly yours, that the universe conspires to test our conviction. Even on the little things.
Imagine setting the boundary to leave work at 5 pm every afternoon rather than slipping into working late. You set this so you can spend more quality time with your kids/partner/pet/yoga instructor before the night rush happens. Invariably, the very next afternoon at 4:55 pm you receive a critical email or a phone call that requires something urgent to be done right now — that thing that only you can do (or so you believe). What do you do?
The curse of ‘just this once' kicks in, and you hang around till 5:30 pm promising your kids/partner/pet/yoga instructor that you'll make it up to them tomorrow — only to have it happen again, and again. Setting the boundary at leaving at 5 pm, and then letting it become more like 5:15 pm or 5:30 pm for the next week undermines what you've put in place — and people are going to listen to what you do more than what you say.
Regardless of how minute or major the situation is, establishing and re-establishing boundaries starts with you. Having conviction around your boundaries, particularly around the little things, gives others permission to do the same.
Regardless of how minute or major the situation is, establishing and re-establishing boundaries starts with you.
Through the busyness, personal boundaries can be the collateral damage that leaves us feeling resentful, even guilty, because we haven't shown the best of ourselves.
IN THE EVERYDAY MOMENTS
Setting (and resetting) your boundaries happens in the small, everyday moments. It's picking up a call from someone and making it clear from the start how much time you've got to give this conversation. It's me answering a call from my EA5 and saying, ‘Hey Trace, I've got five minutes, so shoot'. I don't have any other agenda, what I'm saying is not code for ‘you're wasting my time', or ‘you've rung me too much today'; it means nothing more than exactly what it is.
In order to set boundaries that stick, we need to first have the courage to admit them to ourselves, and then the courage to speak them and the courage to back them. We need to have the conviction to admit what we need, deflect it, and the conviction to live it. So step out of victim mentality and embrace the validation that you are worth it. When you do you're more compassionate and present to others. And when you own your boundaries, you give others the permission to own their boundaries too. And you can focus on reconnecting with what matters.