The Larger Conceptual Framework
We began this book with a tale of tasting mangoes—our simple premise being that it is one thing to know about mangoes intellectually and quite another to truly taste a mango, savor the experience, and be fully alive in that moment. After all, when we cut through all of the words and rationalizations about stress and its mastery, what we are after is a sense that we are really alive and living an existence that is meaningful to us. Some might refer to this as a spiritual quest. This chapter, too, is full of words and ideas and questions, but if you do not taste them, chew on them, and mull them over then you will have missed the point. Words, while they are wonderful tools, always reduce experience. They aren't the experiences themselves. Joseph Campbell once related in a lecture that the best things in life cannot be told because they are beyond thought. The next best things are misunderstood, and the next best are those things about which we talk. Consider the words written here as only fingers pointing at the moon. As the ancient expression goes, “Focus too much on the fingers and you miss the heavenly splendor above.” If you get caught up in the rightness or wrongness of these words you will fall into the trap of being right that we discussed in Chapter 6, and miss the opportunity to choose happiness. Paraphrasing the words of the mystic Rumi, out there beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing there is a field. We would like to meet you there. We'll bring the mangoes.
This chapter is about coming to terms with what we believe are fundamental human concerns that we all must confront if we are to truly become masters of stress and ultimately masters of living our lives joyfully and effectively. Something that is fundamentally stressful to humans is the experience of having an inadequate map for a territory that they are exploring. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your perspective, life lived well will present you with the unexpected, and you will be scrambling to find directions and maps to guide you. We would like to humbly offer some landmarks that we hope will help you find your way, or at least help you learn to enjoy being lost. Remember, maps are never the territory that they represent. You do not eat the menu when you go to a restaurant. We hope these maps are useful. Some may even be true!
This chapter is also about how you face the inevitable choices and decisions that you must make throughout the course of your life. If you avoid making these choices, ultimately they will be made for you. To minimize stress by enhancing your sense of control, you need to again consider the maps on which you base your decisions. You must determine what is important to you, or your life will not be your own and surely stress will master you.
What follows are simply guideposts, ideas worth considering. When you find yourself struggling to get your bearings, attempting to make some sense out of life and your place in it, remember these things.
Life Is a Mystery
For one of the authors, who was educated largely in Catholic schools, a very frustrating memory of childhood was being told that the answer to his inquiries about God and life was “It's a mystery.” Now, he appreciates the essential truth of that assertion. No matter how many books we read, how much knowledge we acquire, how many experiments we conduct, there will always remain that which is elusive, mysterious. Consider building a fire on a moonless night deep in the woods. The larger the fire, the more trees we illuminate. However, the amount of darkness that we become aware of expands in direct relationship to the areas of light. Of this you can be sure: nobody knows what's really going on here. Life is ultimately a mystery that won't ever be solved no matter how big you build your bonfires. But you can develop a relationship with life. That relationship begins by humbly acknowledging the depth of the mystery and then setting out to seek answers anyway.
Action step: Begin building a relationship with the mystery (or God, Goddess, the Fates, or whatever you choose to name it). In the privacy of your own mind, begin to have a conversation with God. Say the things you've always wanted to say. Ask the questions you've always wanted to ask. Now, as in most conversations, the real key to success is listening. In this game, listening means quietly focusing your attention so as not to be drawn into the meandering of your own mind. It means to be open to signs and synchronicities (meaningful coincidences). Answers may appear in many forms. For example, you may turn on the radio or TV and the next words you hear may seem to be the perfect reply to your inquiry. Or you may meet a stranger standing in a line who just happens to say something particularly meaningful to you at that moment. Unexpected feelings of contentment or joy may flow through you without warning. It is possible to hear “the still small voice” that is spoken of in metaphysical literature. Meditation is one key skill in quieting the mind.
Some suggested readings in this area would be the following:
The Search for the Beloved by Jean Houston, Ph.D.
Journey of Awakening by Ram Dass
The Meditative Mind by Daniel Goleman
Therefore, Life Is Uncertain
Things change. Get used to it. Be thankful for it. This is the one thing you can be certain of: that things will change. This is true not only in the world of work (as elucidated in Chapter 11), but in all aspects of your life. You may ask yourself, “Will my life ever calm down, become stable and predictable? Will I ever get caught up?” The answer is yes, and then things will change. When things are going badly, things will change. When things are going well, things will change. Peace seems to lie in realizing and accepting this fact. It is about reassuring yourself that when times are bad, this too shall pass. Repeating that phrase to yourself is one of the most effective stress reducers. You can be grateful for the changes you know will carry you out of difficult times and be appreciative for the good times, because all good things will ultimately change or come to an end.
Action step: Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. One of the authors did a yearlong internship on a spinal cord injury ward. The most important thing that he drew from that experience was a constant appreciation for having an intact body and being able to walk, something that we regularly take for granted. We recommend that whenever you feel particularly mistreated by life, you should consider the ramifications of losing one of your senses, or the function of some part of your body. Remember the last time you were ill or had a toothache or headache, and appreciate just how wonderful normal is.
Everything Is Connected
One of the most profound illusions of our being is the essential solidity of the objects around us. Science, particularly physics, assures us that in spite of appearances, things are more empty space than solid matter. What appears to be solid is really a vibrating group of particles, most of which have no mass. These particles seem to be influenced by the people who try to study them (this is the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle), and they retain a relationship with one another over astronomical distances. Furthermore, all beings constantly exchange particles with one another. The science of ecology demonstrates that change in one part of a system necessarily provokes change across the system. Chaos theorists have demonstrated that profound changes can be induced by minor perturbations in a system, as minor as a butterfly flapping its wings. We are ultimately not separate from anything. Therefore, be careful and consider the actions you take on every level, including your thoughts. Whatever you do, you do it to yourself. Do not burn your own house down. This fundamental truth underlies the various versions of the Golden Rule. It makes sense to treat others how you would like to be treated. After all, they are you!
Action step: Reinforce this belief by reading about cutting-edge discoveries in science. Paradigms for understanding the mystical/spiritual view of life are becoming more and more accepted and are supported by experimental data.
Some reading to whet your appetite includes the following:
The Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot
Recovering the Soul by Larry Dossey, M.D.
A New Science of Life by Rupert Sheldrake
Life Is Trouble
To again quote Zorba the Greek, “Life is trouble. Only death is not. To be alive is to undo your belt and go looking for trouble.” Now before you seek out a barroom brawl, let us suggest that it is the attitude that is important here. Life very often involves dealing with problems. We have a choice. We can whine about them or we can deal with them. We have tried whining. Sometimes, even very dedicated whining! It doesn't help. We recommend taking the challenge, jumping into the fray and solving problems.
Action step: You really don't have to worry about an action step here. Trouble simply cannot be avoided. Those who have tried to elude it report that it comes looking for you!
Death Is a Great Therapist
I don't believe in life after death, but I am bringing a change of underwear.
—Woody Allen
Whatever comes after this life, the apparent rule is that we will all get the opportunity to find out (that is, everybody dies). This is your shot at this lifetime. Scanning the literature and lore on death and dying, you will probably find very few people who on their deathbed said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.” Death has a remarkable ability to clarify our thinking about what is important.
Action step: Suggested readings include the following:
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
Journey to Ixtlan by Carlos Castaneda
When faced with difficult choices, when you find yourself resistant and unwilling to take a risk, try having a conversation with Death. When you find that Death has no guarantees to offer other than, “I'll be back,” you may discover a new intensity permeating your actions in any moment. After all, this may be the last time you make love, sip some tea, hug your children, go to a class, and so on. Give yourself fully to those moments because…
Here and Now Is Better Than There and Then
The single best antidote for stress is to place yourself fully in the moment. Lost in thoughts of what has happened and what will happen is a fine way to create anxiety and depression. These don't seem to exist in the fully experienced moment.
Action step: Any activity that carries you into a profound awareness of the present moment is a worthy practice. The writings and recordings of Thich Nhat tHanh on mindfulness are very inspirational. Any meditation discipline is a fine approach, but so are pottery, poetry, painting, or playing at anything in which you lose track of time and become fully involved in the moment. As to what will fully involve you, you need to consider the next section.
Are You Getting What You Really Want or What You Are Supposed to Want?
Thinking at its highest level is asking the right relevant question.
—Walter Pauk
Follow your bliss.
—Joseph Campbell
The questions you ask go a long way toward shaping the possible answers you will find. Questions like “What should I do with my life?” contain an inherent appeal to look outside yourself for answers, validation, and reassurances that you are doing the right thing. Yet all wisdom traditions suggest that knowing and trusting yourself, and looking inside of yourself, leads to the best and most fulfilling answers.
The Sufi mystic Rumi once said, “Start a large and foolish project, like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.” If you don't take the time to seek answers, if you don't make the effort to really get to know yourself and what really moves your heart, you risk living somebody else's life. Yes, life is difficult, full of choices, seemingly unfair at times. But life is also beautiful, effortless, and involving when you do the things you love, the things that come easily to you. When you find ways to serve others while doing what you love, success is virtually inevitable.
Action step: You need to spend more time with your dreams and fantasies. Take quiet time to remember times that have made you smile, warmed your heart, filled you with compassion, excited you, put you at peace. While you are feeling any of these feelings, follow the flight of your thoughts. Your heart is a compass that will point to your path.
Seek Balance
The universe is a perfectly balanced ballet of opposites: light and dark, cold and heat, pain and pleasure, chaos and order, and so on. The perception of any form necessarily involves the presence of a background. Ultimately, we are physical, mental, and spiritual creations, and our well-being depends on balancing the needs of all these different aspects of ourselves. Often when people question what they want in their search for fulfillment, they neglect to consider this vital issue from a balanced perspective. One way to remedy this situation is for you to consider the multiple roles you fill in your daily life. Besides being an individual you may also be a mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister, student, teacher, employee, employer, professional, friend, and so on and so forth. Thus, as you explore the path toward which your heart steers you, seek to set goals for all the roles of your life. To totally ignore or shortchange any role is to invite regret to haunt you later.
Action steps: (1) Imagine attending your own funeral. Consider what you would want those in attendance to say about you. Choose to listen in on people from many areas of your life and imagine how you would like to be eulogized. (2) Learn to juggle. This deceptively challenging task teaches you to gracefully and playfully keep many things in the air at once. It requires physical and mental balancing that can give you an intense involvement in the here and now. Whose life hasn't felt like a juggling routine from time to time?
When In Doubt, Do Something Different
Doing the same things you've always done and expecting to get different results is a kind of madness. A more useful madness is to be willing to break out of the rut of established routines that are not working for you. It can be as simple as driving home in a new way, or trying the dish on the menu that you've never tasted. It can be as daring as returning to school after years in the workforce or taking time off to go on a spiritual retreat. The same old thing gets you the same old things. Someone once said, “You can either have what you want in this lifetime or have all the excuses why you didn't get it.”
Get Comfortable with Confusion
Understanding occurs when we discern a pattern in our experience of the world. Confusion is what happens just before we begin to understand. Getting upset over your confusion simply doesn't help. Better to breathe, relax, pay attention, and wait until understanding comes around. Relaxing facilitates understanding, for it makes it far easier for you to access your intuitive wisdom. What you need to attend to is right in front of you. If you take your attention away from it, you will simply take that much longer to come to an understanding. Also, remember our first premise: life is a mystery. Some confusion is part of the tour package. We suggest that breath and attention can transform confusion into wonder in the same way they transform fear into excitement.
Love Yourself While You Discover That Love Is the Answer
You might as well like yourself. Just think of all the time you're going to have to spend with you.
—Jerry Lewis in The Nutty Professor
The wisest teachers throughout history assure us that life at its core is found to be an ocean of love of which we are all a part. We are never really separate from this love, even though the trials and tribulations of life seem at times to be anything but loving. We choose to believe this premise simply because it seems to work for us. To us it means that we are all as good at our center as the best of us. Be patient and loving with yourself along the way. Trust the intuitions of your own heart. Have fun! Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again.