Giving Up Being Right

The number of different ways of looking at the world is limited only by your imagination. There is no substitute for your willingness to experiment with different pairs of glasses and notice what happens when you do. In other words, there is no right way to see things. In fact, we are going to recommend that you give up needing to be right. Of all the possible ways of looking at the world, the one most guaranteed to cause you stress and strife is the one that insists that your way of seeing things is the right way (Osterkamp & Press, 1988).

Giving up trying to always be right is a really hard thing to do. Why? We all love being right. Right? We've been taught since our youngest days to do the “right thing” according to the authority figures that surround us. We are rewarded for it. We feel good about ourselves for doing it. We try to figure out what the right thing is because we want to succeed, to win. Our culture worships winning. We remember the winners and display their names prominently in our stadiums, magazines, and commercials. Winners generally make a lot of money. Losers don't get the endorsements and the high praise. When you win, you typically feel good about yourself. Losing often hurts. And losing can be threatening to your self-esteem. Remember, any time you feel threatened you begin to engage the fight-or-flight response.

Looking for Win-Win Outcomes

If you are playing tennis or chess or any other competitive event, we recommend that you still put your focus on winning. However, we recommend extreme caution in trying to win in the arena of interpersonal relationships at home or at work. Operating out of a win/lose framework in relationships ultimately leads to all the players losing. Frequently, spouses with troubled marriages enter marital counseling with the hope that the therapist will choose sides and please explain to the other one how wrong he or she is. It is explained rather early on in the process of marital therapy that to ask who is winning in a marriage is an absolutely ridiculous question. A marriage built upon winning and losing is a marriage built upon conflict and threats. By definition it is then built upon stress. Our bodies respond to the ongoing battle of wills to be right as if it were a battle of the flesh, and once again the fight-or-flight response is engaged.

Good relationships embody the ability to compromise, to find ways that allow each party to get some of what he or she needs. Great relationships embody the ability to synergize. That is, they find ways for both parties to collaborate and create ways that allow the needs of each to be met. In other words, they find a way for everyone to win. As Stephen Covey has said in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, this requires courage and consideration. Courage helps us stand up for what we need. Consideration allows us to honor the fact that others feel their needs as deeply as we feel ours. Consider this story for a moment:

Two young girls are fighting over a single remaining orange. Both simply insist that they need it. In a win/lose relationship, one of the children will end up with the orange, and one will end up with nothing but bad feelings and a desire to win the next time. In a good relationship they will cut the orange in half and share it. They will compromise and this is better than one of them losing. Neither, however, is completely satisfied. In a great relationship they speak to one another about why they want the orange. As it turns out, one of them needs the peel for a recipe and the other simply wants some orange juice. Both can have everything they want because they had the courage to speak up for themselves and the consideration to listen.

Stepping into the Other Person's Shoes

We maintain that looking for win/win outcomes in all relationships reduces stress. But practically speaking, how do you give up the need to be right, to win in your personal relationships? As with virtually everything else we have related to you, this too begins by breathing and becoming aware of the cause of your rising level of tension. When we are trying to be right, by definition we see the other person's point of view or way of thinking as wrong. In order to go for a win/win solution to a problem, it helps to be able to step into the other person's shoes and experience the world through his or her eyes. This requires the funhouse skills we discussed earlier—that is, you need to pretend.

As you do your relaxing breathing, begin to allow a sense of the other person to form in your mind. See her in detail. Notice her expressions. Pay attention to the language she communicates through her body and her nonverbal communications. Hear not only the words she speaks, but the tone, tempo, and volume of her speech. Speculate about what she is feeling. As you do this, imagine that you can step into her body and look out of her eyes. Hear yourself saying the words and thinking the thoughts she might be thinking until you can feel what she is feeling. Do this until you can feel her sense of being right. Then step back into your own body and notice whether you feel any differences. Could she possibly feel as strongly as you do? Is it possible that her position has merit as well? Remember, the idea is not necessarily to give up your position and adopt hers (though that might happen). The idea is to move yourself to a place where you can work toward both of you meeting your needs, where both of you can win. Allowing yourself to feel, think, and experience the other person's viewpoint is a powerful way of facilitating the process of win/win.