Rehearsing Your Own Piece

Perhaps the most common trait in conversation is to half-listen while you work out what you want to say yourself as soon as your chance comes. You can recognize when others are doing this as they tend to increase their non-verbal agreement noises (even as they listen less!) when they want to speak themselves, as if their “mm mm” or “uh huh”, increasing in urgency, will stop the flow enough for them to take over.

We have plenty of reasons for wanting to speak rather than listen. Sometimes we have an overwhelming desire to off-load our emotional baggage; or we're keen to impress and want to be the centre of attention. Often we just think that our choice of theme is much the most interesting, or we enjoy talking about ourselves most. Some people say that the primary impulse to have a conversation at all is the desire to talk, the other person's spiel existing only to introduce your own lines. But without listening there is no conversation, just people talking in turn.

How often does someone ask you a question because they want to say something themselves? Very often I suspect! The conversation goes something like this:

A comment so easily triggers a thought of your own. The other person complains about changes brought in by senior management, and you are suddenly dying to tell them of the awful treatment your own boss is doling out to staff. So, while the other person talks, you run over in your mind all the different ways in which your boss is out of order, so that you can recount them when your turn comes.

When your turn comes? Many people won't even wait for a turn. They'll burst in with:

as they seize the baton to tell their own story. Then you might find yourself interrupting back to take the initiative again,

Note how the interruption can often sound like an affirmation of what the first speaker is saying. It's not though, it's a takeover; it's a coup.

Daydreaming

It's easy to lose focus when others are speaking if their manner and tone of voice are dull. Even when the other person speaks in an engaging way about something that interests you, you may find that their words trigger a thought process of your own, and you go off into a reverie.

For example, a friend tells you:

And, interested as you are in your friend's story, you think:

The other person might or might not notice the absent expression that appears in your face … you may be there in body, but mind and spirit are elsewhere!

Putting the boot on the other foot, it's useful when you're speaking yourself to remember that people process what you say by referring internally to their own experience. Realizing this, you can allow for it.

Pretending to Listen

Some people pretend to listen because they want to speak and be listened to when their turn comes, but don't want to offend you when you are talking by revealing that they are not listening. Parents, overwhelmed by the ability of a small child to talk for England, often become accomplished at pretending to listen. It's amazing how skilled you can get at putting on an appropriate expression and making sympathetic encouraging noises as you lend half an ear to the tone of the child's voice, without attending to what they are actually saying.

People pretend to listen when they've lost the plot. “I nod and smile at him”, says Jodi Picoult in House Rules. “You'd be surprised at how far that response can get you in a conversation where you are completely confused.”

Non-Listening

Have you experienced someone just not listening at all, and making responses that don't fit? I suspect that it's probably quite common! I remember one conversation with a good friend (who wasn't physically deaf, by the way!) as I pottered around the kitchen:

Filtering the Communication

It's impossible not to filter what we hear. We all hear only a part of what is said, depending on what we notice and how our view of the world colours what we take in. The skill of listening lies in hearing as much as we can without putting our own interpretation on it. If you ignore what you don't want to hear or just listen for what may affect you, you are possibly missing the most important elements of a communication.

For example, your sister or brother tells you that they have suddenly been given the chance of an exciting holiday, and it means that they are not going to be able to visit your elderly mother for a month and the responsibility will fall to you. If you hear only the negative impact on yourself, you fail to respond to the fact that your sibling has the chance of an exciting holiday, and he or she won't feel properly heard.

Judgement

We filter particularly through judgement. It's natural to assess what someone else is saying but this definitely gets in the way of listening. Perhaps the speaker tells you about a bad experience with a plumber they contacted through Yellow Pages, and you think to yourself that you would never have found yourself in that position as you wouldn't have contacted a plumber without personal research and recommendation. So, as you continue to listen, you filter the communication with your judgement and your opinions of yourself and the other person. If you do this, you may well miss the main point of the communication.

Judgement often occurs when a conversation doesn't feel equal. If one person makes it clear that they have a superior role, an essential element of conversation is lost. It doesn't matter whether I am your boss, your elder, more educated or more privileged than you, true listening takes place in the context of equality.

Sometimes people listen with a negative filter permanently switched on. Whatever the speaker says, they think of all the things the speaker should have said instead of what they did say, all the things they ought to have done instead of what they actually did, and all the things they should be thinking and feeling instead of what they are thinking and feeling. Inner judgement very quickly turns into unhelpful advice, in language full of those same shoulds and oughts.

Listen out for the expressions of necessity when you respond to someone, or when they respond to you. For example:

• You must get it fixed.
• You ought to have told them.
• You should have stopped it then.
• You'll have to nip it in the bud.

Listen out too for why expressed sharply. That also suggests judgement.

• Why did you decide to do that?
• Why did you?
• Why didn't you?

Playing the Psychiatrist

Another way people fail to listen properly is when they play mind games, and think they know what is going on better than the speaker. Listen out for phrases such as:

• I know exactly what you're talking about.
• I know you. You always undersell yourself.
• Your problem is, you're too timid.

Such phrases tend to introduce those familiar statements of advice – “you should” and “you ought”, and “what I would have done”; or moralistic universal statements such as, “That's the wrong approach …” and, “The best thing to do is …”. You're right back in judgement.

Reassuring or Diverting

When a speaker is talking about problems, it sometimes makes for painful listening, and you may be tempted to interrupt to make things better – either by trying to suggest that everything will be okay or by diverting the person to take their mind off things. Such attempts to stop the person from feeling negative emotions can be well meant but in the process negate their experience and stop the flow.

Show That You're Listening

If someone comes to you in distress and you give no visual or auditory clue that you are listening, don't be surprised if they burst into tears and rush from the room! People thrive on being listened to – but they need to know that you're listening. You may be listening really well as you move around the room tidying up your files, but if the speaker doesn't know that you're listening, they lose the invaluable connection that comes from attention. So, give positive visual and auditory clues that you're listening. You will probably do this naturally, but check it out.