It's one thing to disagree casually in conversation; it's a higher order of challenge to initiate difficult conversations and deliberately confront someone when you need to. You may be tempted to ignore difficulties when you first notice them, but it's easiest to address them before they fester and grow. As you become more skilled in conversation you find that issues that might have been difficult in the past no longer trouble you, as by good listening, showing respect and building connection, you diffuse tricky situations before they have a chance to occur.

Sometimes, however, the situation is too important, the differences too great and the emotions run too strong. Then you need some additional strategies.

14.1    Handling Feelings with Skill

If a conversation is confrontational, it's especially important to be comfortable with your own feelings. What looks on the surface like a disagreement over a decision or a point of logic can actually feel like an attack on your sense of self, and the feelings this provokes can be the biggest threat to a positive outcome.

Feelings have a nasty habit of leaking out and becoming visible to the other person, even as you try your hardest to hide them.

• Anger can make you want to put all the problem on the other person and fight, and then you end up accusing and criticizing or insisting and blaming.
• Feeling bad about yourself can make you give up and surrender, or avoid issues.
• Fear can make you freeze emotionally, so you do and say nothing or retreat.

Your feelings can prevent you from focusing and listening properly. Shutting down is no answer, so what can you do?

14.2    Checking Your Assumptions

Your chances of success are significantly increased if you challenge your own negative assumptions beforehand. For example:

• You may assume that there's always a winner and a loser in a confrontation, and therefore do everything you can to win. With this assumption you stride into the conversation with a look that says, “Let the battle commence!” If you do adopt this confrontational stance you'll probably both end up losing.

Think instead in terms of win-win. With skill, you can address the problem as if you're side by side looking at it together. The problem is then neither you nor the other person, but an issue to solve together.

Think ahead of time about what you want from the conversation. Have a vision both of an outcome acceptable to both of you and of a positive future working relationship. Aim for a conversation where you'll look back and be pleased with your behaviour.

• You may assume you're 100% right and the other person 100% wrong. As Harry Wormwood said to Mathilda in Roald Dahl's famous story, “Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong.” And you might add, “I'm good, you're bad; I'm innocent, you're guilty.” But things are rarely black and white. With this kind of thinking you assume there'll be opposition from the other side, and treat the other person as an enemy from the start, creating an instant defensive reaction.

You may not be to blame in the least, but still the unique relationship between you and the other person is usually a factor, so recognize that you're involved. If you were someone else it wouldn't be the same; if you acted differently it wouldn't be the same. A conversation of this kind is always a negotiation and the answer is never between black and white, but a different, creative solution built on “both-and”.

• You may make negative assumptions because of the history of your relationship with the other person. It's as if the other person can't ever tell you anything new because you have already written the script. You then treat your own views and assumptions as immutable facts rather than the personal frame of existence that they are.

In any kind of confrontation or negotiation, see the other party as if for the first time. Use your eyes, ears and feelings afresh to capture what is happening in the present. Stay in the now, and gently deter your thoughts from drifting to past injuries or future negative imaginings.

To help you handle the situation well, replace unhelpful assumptions with positive ones:

1. Assume the other person has a positive intention
   However unacceptable the behaviour, they are trying to achieve an intention that makes sense to them. For example:

• Their strong desire to get a task done might be the “good” intention that underlies overbearing and bullying behaviour.
• A “good” desire to be acknowledged by other people may result in unpleasant attention-seeking behaviour.
• A “good” desire to do things correctly may make the person picky and pedantic.
• A “good” intention to look competent may result in face-saving behaviour and deceit.

2. Assume that you have what is needed to deal with the situation

• Remind yourself that a life without differences and disagreements doesn't exist! Ask yourself what will give you the highest chance of helping and the least chance of doing harm in this situation.
• Remind yourself that the truth is ultimately best for both parties. Continuing with important issues not faced, bad performance unmentioned, irritation not aired or lies not confronted just perpetuates a state of affairs that is negative and stuck.
• Remind yourself of your trust in yourself – that you are okay, competent, deserving and sufficient to the task. You are all of that.

3. Assume success
   Take on the belief that there are always things to agree about; it's just a matter of extending those areas of agreement. When you assume positive intention on the part of the other party, you can find out what matters to them. For example, if you ask one faction in a violent conflict, “What do you want?” the exchange might go like this:
   

   What do you want?

   More arms and military equipment.

   What is your positive intention in acquiring more arms?

   To protect the population.

   And what is your positive intention in protecting the population?

   Everyone's safety.

   Eventually you reach a statement with which you both agree and that becomes your starting place for negotiation.

14.3    Taking the Initiative

Stay flexible and quick on your feet – you can't just stick rigidly to this or any other prepared text. Really listen and respond to the other person's replies. Ask open questions. Acknowledge what you can – for example, the other person's right to perceive things as they see them, their right to their feelings and their personal set of values. And also acknowledge to yourself that you can't know exactly what the other person is thinking or feeling or why they think and feel as they do.

Once you feel confident to address issues as they arise, you will probably discover just how many opportunities you've missed in the past through not wanting to confront people. All the breaches of trust, withheld information, incompetence, missed promises, deceits, sub-standard performance, rudeness … When you feel confident to deal with issues while they're still small, you're much more in control of your life.