13
Enjoying Disagreement
“There is no conversation more boring than the one where everybody agrees.”
– Michel de Montaigne
You may feel that any disagreement in conversation is going to be disagreeable or even dangerous, but conversation devoid of disagreement can be boring and bland. Some of the most lively and enjoyable dialogues can be based on disagreement – my recent chat with Polly for instance:
| “I love Art Deco,” proclaimed Polly enthusiastically. |
| “You don't!” I exclaimed in misbelief. “All that crude colour and cubist look – it has no soul!” |
| “Soul's exactly what it has got,” laughed Polly. “Clarice Cliff's designs just sing! Have you really looked at them?” |
| “Well, maybe I haven't really looked at them!” I admitted. “But give me the fine lines and simple elegance of Japanese pottery every time! Do you know the work of Keiko Matsui? It's glorious! Much better than old Clarice Cliff!” |
And so we happily continued.
But maybe for you the thought of disagreement in conversation creates tension. You fear that if you disagree with someone they'll insult you and create conflict – or that the person will strike back verbally and you'll get upset yourself. Maybe you've had a bad experience of attempting to disagree with someone who then laid into you as if your remark were an invitation to mortal combat. It's certainly true that cultures around the world operate differently when it comes to disagreement, and what is the norm in the US, for instance, might create offence in some Pacific countries. But even if culture is an issue, that doesn't mean that you are condemned always to agree with people – there are ways to disagree that minimize conflict.
We've already discovered that connection depends more on your tone of voice and body language than on the content of your conversation. If you maintain good connection with another person you can say what is true for you and not offend. My conversation about Art Deco with my friend was sparky and fun because we maintained connection and looked at each other and laughed even as we disagreed about the content of our discussion.
By the way, you'll find this skill invaluable in close personal relationships. Any long-standing relationship that never has disagreements is probably stagnating or not as close as it might be. You build closeness in a relationship through disagreeing at times without losing connection. As the poet David Whyte said, “Hey, you can't walk away, I'm angry with you and that means we have a relationship.” Conversations that deal with our areas of disagreement help us to be ourselves, to grow and be accountable, and give others the positive message that we think they are strong enough to deal with challenges. That's all great for a relationship.