The resilient among us are much more likely to be surrounded by a good support network. This may or may not include professional help but will certainly involve friends or family who genuinely want to help you overcome your problems. That’s not enough in itself though – they have to be reasonably good at it. Some people, bless ’em, are always saying the wrong thing even when they’re trying to help. However much of a friend these people are when things are going well, make life easier for yourself by quietly steering clear of them when times are tough. Think about which friends you want around you and which you don’t.

And think about the kind of help you need. Support from friends isn’t something you just have to suck up. If it isn’t helping, it’s not actually support in any useful sense and you don’t have to accept it. You’ve got enough on your plate without having to absorb negative input just because it’s well meant. You don’t have to tell people to their face, ‘I don’t want your so-called help.’ You can just politely turn down invitations to meet up until things are better or, even – and here’s a ploy I’ve used many times – not tell them about the scenario in the first place. Tricky with some problems but easy with others. If you know they’ll make you feel worse if you don’t get a particular job, think ahead and don’t even tell them you’ve applied for it.

So who are you going to give a bit of a wider berth to when things are going badly? Well, you’d be best off avoiding anyone who is negative, who revels in doom and gloom, who keeps banging on about all the things that could make your problems even worse (although they probably won’t). You want positive people around you.

Although not so positive that they keep telling you your feelings are wrong. You know the type: ‘It’s fine! Stop worrying!’ You want empathy, not denial. If anyone behaves like this, refuse to feel bad. Listen, anyone whose response makes you feel worse is not a good support. Make a mental note for next time. If they don’t make you feel better, even if only a little bit, that’s them, not you.

Avoid people who try to solve your problems for you too, either by supplying a solution, making a decision on your behalf, or actually enacting it themselves. This is not helpful and will not improve your resilience. It gives you the subconscious message that you can’t think or act for yourself. That’s not true and it’s exactly the belief you are trying to avoid. You value input, but you can make your own decisions and run your own life thank you.

Once you think about what you need and who can provide it, it’s much easier to surround yourself with genuinely supportive people when you’re in trouble. And tell them what you need – do you want someone to help with the kids and take the pressure off? Someone simply to listen? Someone who can help you with daunting paperwork? Someone to cook you some meals to stick in the freezer? People who genuinely want to help – and you know this from your own experience as a supportive friend – want to know the best way to do just that.