One of my family is such a perfectionist that he finds it really hard to deliver anything on time. He’s forever spotting tiny flaws in his work that no one else can see and then having to fix them even though he’s up against a deadline – or has already missed it. He likes every piece of work to be absolutely perfect. I can see an inherent flaw in this, which I have had to point out to him: when someone asks for a piece of work, they want it both up to standard and on time. So being on time is part of what constitutes being perfect, and the overall package doesn’t meet the criteria for perfection if it’s late.

Redefining perfection like this makes it easier to deliver work on time. Once you broaden the definition, your perfectionist tendency will drive you to meet your new understanding of ‘perfect’ and help you overcome your inclination to deliver work late. Reframing and redefining your unhelpful thoughts in this way is key to managing aspects of your behaviour that you want to change.

A friend of mine who was thoroughly unreliable finally realised (years after the rest of us) that being wildly late, or not turning up, or rearranging at the last minute, was not all part of his unpredictable charm. It was just damned annoying for everyone else. So instead of thinking of his behaviour as ‘carefree’, he told himself it was ‘inconsiderate’. This had an immediate impact and he’s been as reliable as anyone else ever since.

Semantics – the words you use and the way you define them – are intrinsic to how you think. So if you want to change your attitude, your approach, your behaviour, rethink the words you pick. If you don’t like being ‘painfully shy’ don’t call it that. Think of yourself as ‘a quiet listener’, for example, and you can train yourself to feel much more positive about your social skills. The world needs more listeners.

If your self-esteem is lower than you’d like (which is probably true of most people) think carefully about the language you use when you talk to yourself – and indeed to other people. Your unconscious is listening to you and it will hear the difference between ‘I failed’ and ‘I didn’t pass this time’. The same language over and over will have an effect on how you feel. Did the interview ‘go badly’ or did it ‘not go as you’d have liked’? Seemingly small differences, but one is much more negative than the other. Are you bossy or assertive? Useless at something or just not as good as you’d like to be … yet? Selfish or looking after yourself?

It can feel a bit pointless catching yourself thinking you’re messy and then saying inside your head, ‘Whoops, no. Rule 30 says I’m supposed to call it not very tidy.’ But you’ll be surprised at how easily you can make it a habit. And once that happens, your unconscious will really sit up and listen.