My favorite story about an employee facing up to an overbearing manager comes from a seminar I taught in Washington, DC, for a major accounting firm. There were 20 people in the class, made up of team leaders, administrators, and a few managers, and we were at the point where I was explaining to them the concepts of active listening and "I" messages.
One of the participants, Sarah, had been participating energetically throughout the day. She was a tiny woman, maybe reaching five feet in height, and dressed impeccably: tailored suit, butterfly pin on the lapel, not a hair out of place. She sat at the table with her back straight and her feet dangling, too short to touch the floor; she was very polite. She was probably around 50 years old or so, and she came across as a no-nonsense professional. She served as an administrative assistant for one of the partners in the firm.
I was explaining how to deliver an "I" message to someone more senior to oneself—an intimidating topic for the class. Sarah raised her hand to speak.
"You know, I work for a partner who screams at everybody all the time," she said. Everybody in the room laughed, knowingly, as they all could guess whom she was referring to.
She went on: "One day, I said to her, 'You know, I want to do a good job for you. I think I do a good job, and I could do a better job for you if you just wouldn't yell at me.'"
At that, as if they were one, all the class participants sucked in air at the same time, a clear sign they related to the fear associated with confronting a screamer.
"What happened?" I asked Sarah.
"Well, she still screams at everyone else, but she stopped screaming at me," Sarah said proudly.
The room broke up in laughter and applause. The story somehow seemed especially meaningful coming from this petite, mild-mannered woman. I complimented her on her courage and thanked her for her willingness to share the story.
As I've said before, bullies, whether they have organizational power or assumed power, can knock you off your feet, figuratively speaking. At one corporation I worked for, one of the senior VPs was meeting with a marketing director. These two did not particularly like each other. The senior manager was known to be an intellectual bully: no one could possibly be as smart as he was, and he let you know that in no uncertain terms. There were a total of four people at the meeting, and I knew that the senior VP was gunning for the marketing director.
"What school did you go to for your MBA?" asked the senior VP of the marketing director.
"NYU," replied the marketing director.
The senior manager looked at his cohort next to him and said, in front of the marketing director and me, "Remind me never to hire anyone from NYU ever again," then grinned widely. That is a quintessential example of a bully.
I'm happy to report the marketing director, after the bully fired him, moved on to great success elsewhere. The bully VP was also fired from the company, two years later. What goes around comes around. We're just not always there to see it.
An explanation of why people behave like bullies is the subject for a psychology textbook, not this one. Suffice it to say, I believe that bullies are born of insecurity, not confidence. I learned early on that the best thing to do in the face of a bully is to stand up to him or her, and not show any fear or intimidation. That said, it's important how you do that.
Courage is a running theme in this book. And nowhere else do you need more courage than in confronting a bully. And that's the purpose of this challenge: to exemplify what you can do when faced with an intimidator.
Raymond was a midlevel manager at a corporation (whose fictional name here is Mightier) that manufactured parts for the military. The company was primarily a government contractor, providing parts for all branches of the U.S. armed forces, as well as for several other countries. The company had three locations; Raymond worked at the one in Houston, Texas. He had been at the company for four years, rising up through the ranks quickly. A very task-oriented professional, he managed a team of 50 employees and 3 lower-level managers. His team was working on a number of different projects for the Air Force and Navy.
Before coming to Mightier, Raymond had worked for another government contractor, for three years, in California. Prior to that, he had served in the Army for 16 years, completing two overseas tours in two different war zones.
Raymond's manager, Charles, had nine managers reporting to him, including Raymond. Charles had been with Mightier for 22 years and had a good relationship with the SVP of operations in Houston. He had a degree in physics. Like Raymond, Charles was very task-oriented—his nickname in Houston was "King Charles," given to him because of his very commanding presence and practice of keeping everyone at a distance. Charles also had a reputation for being tough, and senior management seemed happy with him, as he made quality products and delivered them on time. As the expression goes, when Charles said "jump," everyone simply asked, "How high?"
With his military background, Raymond was very familiar with hierarchy, and knew how to take orders. But working for Charles was a different experience entirely. Charles would criticize Raymond to one of his other mangers, but not approach Raymond directly. Charles also would raise his voice at Raymond when he thought Raymond had made an error. Worse, though, and for reasons Raymond could not fathom, Charles seeming to enjoy chewing him out in front of others.
Still, Raymond tried to figure it out. Was it because he had gotten an "above expectations" on his review eight months ago? Yes, he had some problems but no more than anyone else. In the end, there were only two reasons Raymond could come up with to explain why Charles was on his back as much as he was: Raymond did not have a college degree, and was Hispanic.
If either or both of those reasons were true, then Raymond was really facing a difficult dilemma. But one thing he knew for sure, after having fought for his country, he was not about to be treated unfairly by anyone. At first, though, he felt stymied: he did not want to go to human resources; they were rumored to be useless. Moreover, he didn't want to be seen as a crybaby. So for now, Raymond did nothing, and Charles persisted in his attacks on him.
After one particularly difficult day, Raymond went home in a foul mood. His wife spoke to him.
"King Charles beat you up again today, honey?" she asked. Raymond growled a response. One of his kids approached him, and he spoke harshly to him. His wife stared at him, clearly worried.
"You have to do something about that man. He's making you miserable, Ray," she pleaded.
"I'm okay. I'll figure something out. What's for dinner?" Ray asked.
This pattern continued for another month. Then, at a meeting with an important vendor, attended by Raymond, Charles, and two of Raymond's peers, the vendor asked Raymond a question, but before he had a chance to speak, Charles jumped in. His remark to the vendor was filled with innuendos about Raymond's lack of technical knowledge and how the vendor should really deal directly with him. This was the final straw: Raymond did not intend to be belittled in front of an outsider, especially in regard to his education. He took a stand, then and there.
"I believe I am responsible for this project, and I will be the one you contact," Raymond said to the vendor, his eyes avoiding Charles. "Contact me as soon as you can with your information and specs."
Charles was clearly furious, and looked as if he wanted to jump across the table and throttle Raymond. His look said it all: No one countermands me, certainly not in front of others!
The meeting soon ended, with Raymond and Charles storming off to their respective offices. Within one hour, Raymond got an e-mail from Charles's executive assistant, telling him he was expected to appear before Charles the next morning. Raymond thought, "I'm done for."
After work that day Charles's behavior haunted Raymond and he found himself thinking about what he should have said. That evening, Raymond again went home in a nasty mood. When his wife asked what had happened, this time he told her. He also told her of the meeting the next morning, and that he was extremely nervous about what Charles would say and do. His wife asked him whether anything from the conflict seminar he had attended might be helpful. (He had shown her the manual he had been given at the class.) He promised that, after dinner, he would look through the manual for ideas of what he might do.
When he came across The Working Circle, he remembered that, in class, it had made sense, but he had never used it after he finished the program. Now, he sat quietly and decided to follow the Circle and put together a plan for the next morning. He realized that if he didn't do something, Charles would just run over him, and his job (and self respect) might be in jeopardy. Not only couldn't he afford to lose his job, he didn't deserve to! But after the incident that day, Raymond was more sure than ever that Charles was prejudiced; he was also sure that such a charge would be hard, if not impossible, to prove.
Let's go through the Circle with Raymond.
Raymond understood clearly the instruction to act like a camera as he reviewed the situation. Here are the snapshots he took:
Charles consistently belittled, yelled at, and picked on Raymond.
Raymond suspected that Charles was prejudiced against him because he was Hispanic and because he did not have a college degree, but he could not prove it.
Charles was a well-established senior manager, and though he had the reputation of being very tough ("King Charles"), the corporate culture tolerated that kind of behavior.
Raymond had acted out of character (and out of great frustration) at the vendor meeting, which had prompted the eruption from Charles.
Raymond had been at Mightier for a little over four years, but needed eight months more before he became vested in the retirement plan at the company, a fact of great importance to him.
For the past three years, Raymond's performance had been consistently rated "above expectations."
Raymond hated conflict.
Writing down the last bullet point reminded Raymond how much he was dreading the next morning.
He continued on to Question 2.
In this particular situation, it was hard for Raymond to identify anything as negotiable. How could he possibly negotiate with Charles, who was more senior—and louder? He started to feel defeated. Then he realized working the Circle was his only chance. Besides, he had no other ideas, and he had to admit, even in his despair, so far it seemed like it might be helpful.
Focusing again on the Circle, he noticed that he could list more nonnegotiable items than negotiable ones. Nevertheless, he began to answer Question 1 and was surprised that, once he started to write again, his responses started to flow. Here's what he came up with:
He didn't have to work for Charles at Mightier; Charles wasn't the only senior manager with projects like the ones Raymond and his staff were working on.
He didn't have to deal directly with Charles about the prejudice issue. He had lived long enough to know not to question or accuse a person of bias, as he or she would only deny it, and the situation would only get uglier.
Raymond had a friend at work, Ritchie, who was one level below Raymond and worked for one of Raymond's peers. They had lunch together sometimes, and hung out together at company functions; the two men and their wives had socialized on a number of occasions. Raymond liked and trusted Ritchie, whose parents also came from Mexico. The two men had touched lightly a few times on the possibility of Charles being prejudiced. Ritchie had no opinion, as he rarely had contact with Charles. Nevertheless, Raymond realized he could ask Ritchie for his opinion on how to handle the situation with Charles. Unfortunately, at 10:00 PM, it was too late to call Ritchie now. But he could pop in to talk to Ritchie early in the morning—if Ritchie were available.
Raymond also had a cousin who was an attorney living in California. It wasn't too late to call her. She might be able to provide some advice on how to intelligently and prudently proceed with the discrimination issue.
If Raymond intended to address the issue of prejudice, he knew he would eventually have to file a grievance with HR. But he also realized taking this action was negotiable, and this made him feel better, because taking such a serious step made him very, very nervous.
Very often, a person who is very uncomfortable with conflict has a hard time seeing where their power is in the situation. Answering what was negotiable helped Raymond to believe that he did have some options and—just as important—that he wasn't alone in his struggle.
As noted, Raymond found it easier to come up with nonnegotiable items, which included that.
Charles was not likely to curtail his negative behavior toward Raymond—that's just who he was.
Raymond did not want to lose his job, in particular because he was only eight months away from being vested in the company's pension plan, something he desperately wanted.
Raymond would not accept Charles humiliating or yelling at him any longer. However, he didn't know what to do to stop it.
No one could diminish Raymond's pride in who he was. No, he wasn't as well educated as Charles, but he knew his stuff and did a good job. As for being Hispanic, he was proud of his heritage and the sacrifices his parents had made to give him a better life in this country.
He could not go to Charles's boss with this problem, as they seemed to have a good relationship. For sure, he knew it would be tantamount to shooting himself in the foot if he approached Charles's manager behind Charles's back. Mightier had a very formal culture, and company practice did not support circumventing one's boss.
As Raymond continued to list his responses to Question 3, he noticed he was feeling more and more confident. (Breaking down a complex and disturbing problem often gives one a feeling of empowerment.) And as much as he hated conflict, he began to see where he had opportunities for positive action. He also (not that he really needed to) felt more justified about doing something to alleviate this horrible situation.
Raymond moved on to the next question.
As soon as he asked himself this question, Raymond thought of an experience he had in Bosnia while serving in the army. At the time, he was a sergeant and two of his men were arguing: one was African American, the other Asian American. With raised voices, they were in each other's faces, no more than a foot apart. There had previously been some tension between the two, and it seemed to be racially based. While the shouting match was still going on, Raymond walked over to them and put his face close to theirs. In short order, Raymond successfully defused the situation calmly, through humor. Both soldiers backed down, relieved that Raymond understood their perspectives.
What did Raymond learn from this memory? Two things: that he could stand up in the face of racial conflict, and that he could defuse a situation without raising his voice to the level of another's anger. He also realized that as much as he disliked conflict, when he had no choice but to deal with it, he was perfectly capable of doing so, by remaining calm and calling on his sense of humor. Racial tension was no joke, certainly, but humor could be used to defuse it, Raymond thought.
Another lesson he had learned from multiple incidents (mostly involving other people) was that the best way to silence a bully was to stand up to him or her. There had been much discussion at the Conflict Resolution seminar about doing just that: standing up to bullies. It surprised Raymond now that he had forgotten that notion—perhaps because he didn't want to be the person who stood up!
"I'd rather do 100 pushups," thought Raymond, "than face Charles! I don't like it; I don't like Charles, and I'm angry at Mightier for promoting such a guy."
He paused and reviewed what he written thus far. And, he mused, "I'm ready to make a plan. I feel stronger and more willing to deal with Charles and his bad behavior."
The first thing Raymond decided to do was to call his cousin, the attorney, in California. He reached her at home and told her his story.
"What do you think I should do?" he asked. She recommended an employment attorney she knew of in Houston. Though there was nothing he could really do before his meeting with Charles, he should at least contact the attorney, who would provide counsel about what he might do going forward. For now, his cousin agreed that it would be unwise to accuse Charles of discrimination at this point in time. She also cautioned him that he might be embarking on a long road to travel, but that it could also be a rewarding trip to take. For one thing, Mightier might not know that Charles was discriminating against Raymond, and if management discovered this, they might take appropriate action to reprimand and coach him. There were many possible outcomes to this situation.
Raymond wrote down the employment attorney's name and number, and told his cousin he would call her to tell her how things went. Then Raymond went back to his game plan, which ended up with these items:
He would call the employment attorney.
He would stop by Ritchie's office early in the morning and bounce some ideas off him.
If Charles raised his voice to Raymond during the meeting tomorrow, Raymond would be prepared with an "I" message: "Charles, I can hear you really well when you talk to me in a normal tone. Yelling isn't going to do any good, so I'd appreciate it if you would lower your voice." Wow! Raymond could imagine himself saying words to that effect to Charles—though had no idea how Charles would respond. But, he reminded himself, that was Charles's problem.
Raymond would ask Charles how he viewed his performance—what, if any, substantive issues did he have. And Raymond would ask for specific examples.
Raymond would also explain about the vendor exchange from the previous day that had ended in the explosion from Charles. Raymond intended to tell Charles that he had a longstanding relationship with the vendor, and so truly believed that the dealer would be likely to respond positively to Raymond because of that relationship.
Raymond also decided that he would, in some way, tell Charles that he expected to be treated as Charles's other managers—that is, as an equal. This, he knew, would send a very loud message to Charles about Raymond's concerns.
Having a plan had always made Raymond feel more confident, and this one truly empowered him! He was ready for Question 7.
Raymond had no hesitation in answering this question:
Greater confidence in dealing with Charles.
A strategy for addressing the suspected discrimination, thus giving the issue less power over his mood and confidence.
Less angst in facing conflict.
Potentially put Charles on notice that Raymond was not going to take his bullying any more.
As Raymond prepared to answer this question, his wife came into the room, asking if he was ready to go to bed. He looked at her, and his thoughts moved to his children and his parents. The answer to Question 8 was a resounding, "Yes!"
Sometimes, as for Raymond, answering Question 8 isn't necessary. If you have done your homework, it serves an affirmation that you are moving in the best direction possible for you. You can think of it as similar to what a coach might say to a team as they leave the locker room: "Let's win this game!" Question 8 acknowledges your work, freeing you to implement your plan.
The next morning, Raymond caught up with Ritchie and briefly told him what was going on, and asked for suggestions. Ritchie assured him that he was doing the right thing. He had just heard a story that Charles had lost his temper at a meeting in front of a number of people. Others were saying Charles had gone too far and that senior management was "watching Charles."
That was encouraging news!
Before we follow Raymond to Charles's office, let's visit the Masculine-Feminine Continuum to scan the range of approaches that Raymond could make to assert himself.
Certainly the Attacking end of the continuum might feel good initially, but it would not accomplish anything in the long run, and the Withdrawing response would only encourage Charles to continue to be abusive; but there was plenty of middle ground to work with.
Raymond went to Charles's office at the appointed hour, but Charles kept him waiting 15 minutes. As he sat down, Charles glared at him. Raymond ignored the look and asked Charles politely how he was.
"You think you have the project we talked about yesterday under control?" was Charles's response.
"Yes, I do," answered Raymond calmly.
"Well, I don't, damn it! If you screw it up, we could lose the navy contract. What plans have you made to make up for the design flaw?"
Charles was growing visibly more agitated.
Raymond had come well prepared. He brought out his plans and gave Charles a copy. And for every question Charles asked, he had a good answer. Charles, Raymond couldn't help but notice, seemed almost seemed disappointed that he was so clearly on top of things.
At the end of the discussion, Raymond gathered his courage and asked the question he had prepared: "Charles, do you have any issues with my performance?"
Charles looked surprised, and then said, "Why do you ask?"
Raymond took a deep breath. "Well, it seems to me that you send a lot of criticism in my direction, and I want to do a good job, so I was looking for some clarification and feedback."
"No, no major issues," said Charles. "You could improve the quality on the navy program, and do it faster, but otherwise, you're fine."
"It was true," thought Raymond, "stand up to a bully and he has nothing to say." He pushed a little further: "If and when you do have issues with me, I'd appreciate your letting me know."
Charles now just looked at Raymond.
"And it would be helpful to let me know in private," continued Raymond. "I can hear you better then. That seems to be how you handle the other managers who report to you." Raymond was really scared now, but he had gone this far, and was committed to taking a stand.
"I'll let you know when I damn well please. Get out of here," Charles growled.
Raymond left Charles's office exhilarated. He had let Charles know he saw differential treatment, and he had been more direct than he had been in the past. More, Charles had acknowledged he had no problems with his performance—that would go a long way if and when the discrimination became a bigger issue. Raymond was proud of himself, and knew that for the first time in a long while he would go home that evening not thinking of what he could or should have said. He had said what he needed and wanted to, and not backed down! Best of all, Raymond had succeeded in producing a win-win result. It was a great victory!