Once you change your behavior, it takes practice to maintain it and then improve further. It is especially hard when those around you seem to be exhibiting the same behavior as always. It was Mahatma Gandhi who told us that we must be the change we want to see in the world.
Therefore, I recommend you take The Working Circle to work. At first, you can even do this under the radar. Demonstrating new, positive behavior before you try to teach others increases the chances that they will change, too. No matter what your conflict resolution style is, you can become a problem solver, as opposed to a problem maker. Being a problem solver makes you independent, professional, and in demand. And being in demand means that you will have more and better choices relating to your career. In good times, you will reap outstanding benefits; in hard times, you are more likely to remain employed. And, once employed, to get the job and the rewards you deserve.
I want to expand on what I mean by taking the Circle to work under the radar. That is, don't broadcast the Circle; instead, use it. Use the questions as a way to open new perspectives from which to examine issues. Use the language—in particular, the terms "negotiable" and "nonnegotiable." Introduce the concept of learning from the past (Question 4)—but note, do this with caution. Here are some examples of how you can ask this question without alienating others:
"Before we move forward, I think it might be helpful to take a look at the lessons we've learned from past experiences, good and bad." Note that I did not use the words "errors" or "failures." No one will volunteer to discuss their failures, past or present.
If someone is being negative about a plan or suggestion, and says something along the lines of, "We tried that before and it didn't work," ask the person to relate what lessons were learned from that failure that might be helpful to the current problem.
Start the discussion about past experiences and their lessons by relating one of your own. This can go a long way toward setting the new tone, that of learning from the past, and perhaps, help those involved move away from blaming behavior and/or avoiding responsibility.
Don't be tempted to skip Question 5 ("How do I/we feel about the situation?"), as in answering it you can determine whether or not further discussion needs to happen before solutions are proposed. At the same time, especially if your culture is a masculine-oriented one, don't dwell on this question, as it may be viewed as weakness to discuss emotions within the context of a business issue (even though we know emotions affect all conflicts).
Work hard at avoiding jumping to Question 6 (What's my game plan?) before sufficient discussion has taken place. This is the number-one error people make when attempting to resolve issues.
When I think about my greatest teachers, I remember that what so impressed me is that they led by example, not by lecture. In the same way, by using The Working Circle, along with changing your language, both verbal and body, you will become a role model for others. Just this morning I spoke to a client, a senior manager, covering issues related to a manufacturing operation. More than anything else, we talked about two men at his company, one a positive role model and the other someone who regularly alienates people. The senior manager revealed to me that he had learned to circumvent the alienator, because he had given up expecting to get cooperative behavior from this man. That avoidance tactic can only have a negative impact on the operation and the management team. My wish is that The Working Circle will help managers minimize the negative influence of the alienators.
By now, I suspect that certain aspects of the Circle have had a greater effect on you than others. Use those parts first in introducing the Circle at work. Then, when you are more comfortable, come back to the book and pick a challenge and review the key elements in it. I am sure you will find doing this helpful.
Take the time to review the concepts of "I" messages and active listening: those skills have saved me more times than I can count. Practice with someone you like and feel safe with, at home or at work. I mentioned earlier that I have taught The Working Circle to children, starting at age twelve; your children will benefit from it, and you will reinforce your learning.
I also recommend that you practice your new conflict resolution skills in your personal life. (I feel another book coming on!) No one can push our buttons more powerfully than family members. Because they have known us our whole lives, our families assume that our conflict resolution style is what it is, and will never change. Therefore, the temptation to act in our old ways with our families is often overpowering. Practice being a problem solver with your family!
Over the last 14 years since I began using the Circle, I have walked in my backyard, starting at the eastern perimeter, asking the eight questions. As I ask and then answer each question, I continue to walk, until I have covered all the questions. This practice has proven to be of great benefit to me and I recommend it highly.
Changing your behavior is a challenge, no doubt about it, and doing it is much more difficult if the environment you work in doesn't support the change. It is still possible to accomplish, but usually must be carried out in smaller increments. Here's an example: a coaching client of mine who worked in a high-tech company decided to modify her conflict resolution style. She wanted to become more of a problem solver, because she believed that would accelerate her career. She took my suggestions and used her personal life as her laboratory before she began implementing the Circle at work, where the culture leaned heavily on the masculine side of the continuum. She knew she had to proceed carefully, to ensure she would be perceived as a problem solver, not a problem maker. Her fear was that by giving up some of the masculine behaviors she had developed to fit in, she might fall out of step with the culture.
She incorporated active listening and adapted the use of "I" messages to her language, which included expletives when she thought it was fitting; but she stopped directing the cursing at others, and used those words only as adjectives. (Note: The use of expletives and other colorful language is an accepted norm in many corporate cultures.) In this way, she was seen as still part of the culture, but she was no longer using such language to attack.
She took five other actions to ensure that her Everybody Wins approach was successful:
When speaking about her accomplishments, she began substituting the pronoun "we" for "I." She managed a team whose members helped to make her look good, and she wanted to maintain their loyalty and to demonstrate teamwork. She also wanted to show appreciation to her team!
She maintained an assertive stance while still being collaborative. (Her score on the Conflict Resolution Questionnaire had been 24.) Together, she and I worked on being assertive while learning to show appreciation for others.
She actively sought the opinions of others, which goes a long, long way toward ensuring a win-win environment. Masculine cultures don't typically support this behavior.
She committed to letting other people finish speaking before she started. Not interrupting is definitely a challenge in a masculine culture!
She maintained her focus on the transformation she wanted to take place in herself—she's a very task-oriented person, so keeping her eye on the prize kept her motivated.
After she accomplished these objectives, she introduced The Working Circle to her team. As a result, destructive conflict among them was greatly reduced and creative solutions to problems increased.
In contrast with that client, another coaching client of mine worked in a personal service company that was high on the feminine side of the continuum. Conflicts were avoided. When someone did not think a meeting was important, or was being chaired by an adversary, he or she found some excuse for not attending. My client liked his job and wanted to remain at the company, but he was going nuts in this environment of noncommunication. With everyone avoiding direct communication and/or hurting people's feelings, recurring conflicts never got addressed and problems never got resolved. Instead, the office atmosphere was marked by divided camps, lots of gossip, inadequate information, and a lack of creative problem solving. A bubble of stagnation surrounded the company, and my client wanted to burst it.
After he had the opportunity to learn The Working Circle, and came to feel at ease with it, he put together this plan for change:
Speak to his manager, discuss his plan, and seek support for its implementation. My client's behavior had been changing for the better, and his manager was well aware of the new positive outlook. (An important factor here is that my client's manager had been part of the coaching process, and so he had an advocate.)
He would use The Working Circle to mediate conflicts existing among members of his team, helping them to become more comfortable with conflict and the nonconfrontational resolution process.
Introduce some of the Circle's concepts to his peers (especially learning from past experiences and negotiable and nonnegotiable perspectives).
Choose two peer allies whom he could trust. Explain what he was trying to do (the culture made them uncomfortable, too, but they had not had the courage yet to take any steps to change things.) After he gained their support, they could all make adjustments to their language and conflict resolution processes.
Speak to the HR director and request that a conflict resolution class using The Working Circle be introduced at the company, starting with the senior management team.
It is interesting to note that the transformation was more challenging in this feminine culture than at the more masculine-oriented tech company. The managers here thought that dealing directly with conflict would cause hurt and be rude. It took some time for my client to demonstrate, through his own behavior, that resolving conflict did not have to be discourteous. Ultimately, my client had a modicum of success within his sphere of influence, although the company culture at large did not change, a corner of it did.
By reviewing the stories in this book, learning about the different conflict resolution styles, and exploring the experiences of your own life, you should have a thorough understanding of the various types of problem makers found at many workplaces. You also know by now that your new outlook and new way of approaching conflict will not change things at work overnight.
I speak from experience. I can attest to the changes I have seen take place, in my own style and work life. I used to think that people really wanted to hear all the things I had to say about how they had acted poorly, especially toward me. I usually had to have the last word. In matters of the heart, I would shut down, and walk away silently carrying my wounded heart in my hands. I learned that neither approach was productive, for me or for my relationships.
I developed The Working Circle, in part, because I needed it, for I believe that we teach what we need to learn. Now I am a very effective negotiator, using my process to get my needs and wants met. These days, as well, I have very few arguments with others because I know how to defuse problems before they escalate. Best of all, with all this practice, I can say even the most difficult things with ease and compassion, and still get my message across effectively.
My point here is that there will always be problem makers, but I don't have to buy into their behavior, and I certainly do not have to act like they do. Neither do you. Most of us spend more of our time with people at work than we do with our friends and families. We might as well make it work well! If we wait for the other guy to change, we will grow old quickly.
What can you expect if you incorporate the lessons of this book with The Working Circle? Incremental change, which is less chaotic and longer lasting. You also can expect a small change in an existing conflict, followed by no change for a while. Then, when another potential unpleasant situation comes up, you will be better prepared to handle it in a way that serves you well and allows everyone to win.
One of the most telling examples took place here in Tucson a number of years ago. The client I was working with had cowboys working for him—and I mean real cowboys. I was, at the time, a relative newcomer to Tucson, fresh from big-city corporate cultures. This business leader wanted me to resolve issues among a group of employees who wore cowboy hats, rode horses, and towered over me. I knew that most, if not all of these men, owned guns, and had used them for one reason or another. They came from Arizona, South Dakota, and other states that were, to me, only images from television scenes I watched when I was living in an apartment building in New York City.
The business owner was a cowboy himself: tall, handsome, smart, and a no-nonsense kind of man. He and I were on opposite ends of the political spectrum; whenever we discussed politics, we disagreed. Nevertheless, he saw the value of conflict resolution, because destructive conflict was eroding his profits.
I taught his staff The Working Circle, and used it every chance I had. Slowly, the threats and the intense blaming behavior shifted. The company incorporated The Working Circle into its performance appraisals. And while some of the more negative employees left or were fired, those remaining learned that the old behavior was no longer acceptable and changed to accommodate the new approach. The business owner and I continued to disagree on many things, including about solutions to social issues; but we agreed on something much more important: basic human values. I'm proud to say he and his wife became my friends.
The numerous examples I provide in this book demonstrate that no matter what the culture, no matter what the situation, you can effect change—change in yourself, thereby generating change in your environment, like the ripples on a lake.
If you work for a problem maker, you have choices:
Do you want to continue to work there?
If no, start looking!
If yes, be consistent in your behavior. Become a respected problem solver. Use collaborative language and all of the other tools at your disposal, including The Working Circle.
Be patient, be consistent; make allies. Do a great job.
Focus on the transformation you want to see in yourself and let others take care of themselves, even that problem- maker manager!
I know you can do it. I have seen it happen countless times. If you keep wishing the problem maker would change, I assure you it would be more productive to believe that you will win the lottery.