Step 2

Establish the Relationship

“I am not what you see. I am what time and effort and interaction slowly unveil.”

—Richelle E. Goodrich

“Have to admit, I am surprised at how nervous I feel about my first conversation with Jessica. How do I make sure things are started right? It feels like I’m in a spotlight.” This is what Kal, an accomplished manager who was becoming a first-time mentor, shared with me. His mentee, a fast-rising professional in his field, was someone he had never met; they had been paired through the company’s mentoring program. Kal had a compelling desire to be a masterful mentor, yet was keenly aware of his limited experience. (This is much better than Kal saying he had read a book on mentoring, had a firm plan, and knew every move he’d take.)

Should Kal be so concerned? After all, we meet new people all the time. Yet, not quite like this. At the start of most relationships, we’re meeting someone because we are obligated to work with them, such as a boss or co-worker—or, if in a social context, we can proceed or not, depending how we feel about that person. In the case of new mentoring, we anticipate a high investment; one that is voluntary, and developing a bond to work together sight unseen. The value in getting this startup right is that it will allow the two of you to move more quickly into the work, helping the mentee share ideas and concerns, increase confidence, and widen perspective.

At the start, the responsibility to establish the relationship rests more on your shoulders than your mentee’s. During your first meeting, aim to cover the items that will make you each feel comfortable to move forward; no need to discuss everything under the sun. This chapter will show you what is the important ground to cover … and that starts with how you enter the conversation, and understanding the interests and ambitions of your mentee.

Gain an Understanding of Your Partner

Even before you ever have a word of conversation, the relationship can get jump-started by the exchange of resumes or bios, and an online check of each other’s background through social media. As a bonus, if there was an application process for the mentoring program that asks why you want to participate and what you hope to get out of the program, you can each review this material to open doors toward setting mutual expectations.

When leading the first discussion to learn about each other, it is equally important to consider how you approach the conversation as much as it is what you ask about. Since a first impression is lasting, an effective “how” shows your intention to be authentic and sincerely curious about the mentee.

Prepare for the “How” of Your First Conversation

How will you present yourself to your mentee during that first meeting? Get ready by doing a quick check to determine your state of mind. Some mentors, for example, are eager to prove their substantial level of expertise, or perhaps show their nurturing side. While that’s only natural, during this conversation, make the mentee the star. With antennae up, your mentee will pick up nonverbal cues quicker than verbal ones, scanning for likability and respect. And, consider that your mentee, too, comes to the conversations with a particular state of mind (for example, wanting to be the best darned mentee anyone has ever seen, or, conversely, feeling overwhelmed by meeting the great and powerful you).

Here is an example with learning that came from hindsight. Near the end of the six-month mentoring relationship, Leah found out from her mentee, Jonas, that when they started their work together, Jonas was quite apprehensive. After he had looked up her profile online, he came into that first meeting viewing Leah as a hot shot; and during that first meeting, Leah’s commanding tone and reference to her many career successes only reinforced his trepidation. So Jonas held back, feeling he did not measure up. It took him a couple months until he felt safe enough to reveal his weaker sides, areas where he wasn’t doing so well at work. Leah was utterly unaware of this! Too bad for Leah and Jonas; with only a six-month duration in this program, they lost precious time at the front end. Leah learned a big lesson and took it to heart in subsequent first meetings with mentees: It is far more important to be impressed by your mentee than to be impressive yourself (mentors already cast a big shadow).

Preparation before this conversation should also have you thinking about some potential biases. Yes, we can all have some biases, and it is better to be aware rather than let them send us off course. There are particularly two types that can pop up.

First is one I call the “preferred mentee profile” bias. This bias became crystal clear when Henry, a mentor in a program I manage, gave me a check list of attributes he hoped would be found in the mentee with whom he was to be matched (for example, exceptionally bright, proven track record of growth in the company, diligent, great interpersonal skills). “Yeah, Henry,” I thought to myself, “all the mentors want that person.” Then I wondered: Suppose he was matched with a mentee who did not fulfill his list; would he look at them with disappointment? Would he be as good a mentor to someone who did not fit his preferred profile? As with any mentor, to establish a well-grounded relationship, Henry would need to be aware of his bias, steer clear of any judgments, and embrace the qualities and background of his mentee.

The second bias is the “summed up before I meet you” bias. This bias is built on assumptions mentors make from reading the mentee’s resume or hearing about the mentee from others, painting a mental portrait that may or may not be completely true. Examining your unconscious biases requires you to pause after you learn about your mentee and identify where you might slide into making assumptions, based on what was triggered in you about your mentee’s background (for example, education was in a different field than career, worked for a competing company, had a series of jobs with less than a year’s tenure). Doing this will help you to learn more about yourself and be more effective during your first mentee meeting.

Prepare for the “What” of Your First Conversation

AJ, a seasoned mentor, is both thoughtful and easygoing about his approach to the initial meeting with his mentees. He makes the “what” a combination of personal and professional questions with suitable boundaries for a first-time meeting. He says that mentees want to show up well, and it is very appropriate for them to hold off sharing deeper challenges for a later conversation. A revealing opener he uses is to have his mentee and him ask each other these two questions: “What brought you into the mentoring program?” and “What do you hope to learn through your involvement in this mentoring?” He allows the conversation to flow from there.

Similar to AJ’s approach, allowing for flexibility in the discussion will point you toward what is important for the mentee. For example, a mentee might speak of the most gratifying parts of a job, work environment, or desire for greater responsibility. As the conversation unwinds, it can be easy to start covering all manner of subjects. At the same time, take on the role of pacing the discussion. Be sure to cover the basics, gently steering the conversation to ensure that by the end the meeting the expected outcomes of the conversation are reached. It is excessive to gather all the background information in this first discussion; hold some delights and surprises for later.

Consider Tool 2-1 as a thoughtful and focused version of a dual interview with a number of preset questions that you and your mentee can ask.

TOOL 2-1

SAMPLE QUESTIONS TO GAIN AN UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR MENTORING PARTNER

• What brought you into the mentoring program?

• Mentor asks mentee:

What has been important in your (career) development to this point?

What is going on in your work life right now?

What are your aspirations?

Where is your career headed?

• Mentee asks mentor:

What have been significant events that have shaped your career?

What are you doing currently that is most engaging?

What kinds of things at work and elsewhere bring you joy?

• What stood out to you from previous mentoring you have been involved with?

• What would you like to learn during this mentoring process?

• What do you hope will be different for you at the end of this program?

• What is a personal strength you bring to the mentoring relationship?

Find Common Ground

A TV reality series, first begun in Denmark in 2014 and immediately franchised into a half-dozen other countries, can give us a window into the early meeting of mentor and mentee. In the TV program “Married at First Sight,” couples complete detailed applications, and professionals (psychologists and others) work to match the pairs, based upon backgrounds, lifestyles, choices, and more. The couples first meet each other at their wedding! The show is oddly captivating, based around the idea that no matter if your matched spouse meets your expectations or not, each individual has committed to make it work for an eight-week period. The couples are supported throughout the process, given lots of tips and coaching, yet make their own choices—nothing is forced. Viewers watch as each new spouse sizes up their partner, looks for attributes they like, and asks questions of each other. Mostly, it seems, they are initially searching for similarities or desirable attributes. Shortly after the wedding, they talk about what they like about each other, the surprises, and the attributes that are different than expected.

Though mentors and mentees are hardly taking this kind of huge lifetime leap, many mentors are in a mentoring program with matches created for them by a program manager, with the best of intentions. So a mentor might wonder, “Now that I signed up to mentor, will I like that person? Will she like me? Will this be worth my (discretionary) time and effort?” In that first meeting, you search for common ground and characteristics that meet your expectations. There is an eagerness to learn a lot about each other, most especially to find commonalities, which is a good place to get started. Commonalities create a feeling of acceptability and safety.

In a research article in Harvard Business Review, David DeSteno (2016) shares that when building relationships, a powerful tool is a sense of similarity, that people’s interests are joined and therefore, they are on the same team. The truth is that if we really look, we can find commonalities with anyone, because we all share the human experience. Even if your upbringing, education, and career are different, if you search, you will find where you overlap. Whether it is growing up in a small town, enjoying a certain sport, even caring for an ailing family member, taking note of that creates a connection. Underscore those commonalities in your conversation; it creates a comfort, and a basis for the bond. For example, you may find you have common ground with some of these:

• favorite college experience or courses

• early work experiences

• challenges with boss or colleagues

• preferred work habits

• memorable team events.

With over 16 years of participating in or managing a mentoring program, I have been fortunate to watch scores of mentoring pairs meet for the first time. For many pairs, at the front end, there is a sort of euphoria, believing they have found their true match. Others may politely hide disappointment as their partner is not who they expected. As a mentor myself, I have had it both ways, so I hold my emotions in check. Reading the mentee’s resume and application to the program, I used to conjure up all types of images—how they are similar to me, what their interests are, where I think they are headed career-wise, or how they are so different. And guess what? What I imagined at first panned out to be correct less than half the time.

Mentors and mentees are each looking for alignment of values to establish mutual respect and gain trust. They want the other to value what they bring to the relationship, which stems from their personal history: choices made at crucial life junctures, risks taken, special interests, and growth they have made. Mutual respect takes shape when they listen attentively, learn about what is important to the other, and honor that.

For example, Jacob was having his first discussion with his new mentee, Raisha, using a handful of preset questions. When he asked Raisha about role models, she told Jacob that the most important lessons came from her aunt, who was wheelchair bound. Jacob felt her emotion as she spoke. Rather than simply take note of this and then move on to the next question, he took time to make several inquiries about those lessons, how the lessons shaped her decisions, and how she and her aunt related to each other. He thanked her for sharing those stories and told her how powerful they were. Raisha later told him that his questions and exploration about her aunt touched her and she immediately felt very respected by him. At that moment, the caution she carried into that first meeting melted away.

Of course, there will be differences between you and your mentees as well, and these differences will be an excellent source for relationship building. In this early stage, acknowledge these with anticipation as a place for learning from each other’s perspectives. Respecting differences is the stuff trust is made of.

Clarify Expectations of Working Together

The relationship you are building will be one of a kind. Unlike in the workplace, there are fewer rules and more freedom to establish how you will work together. Within the structure of your mentoring program, mutually setting the framework tailors it to both of your styles. How will you work together to accomplish great results? What are the best ways to communicate? How will you handle disconnects? All are the right questions to ask and deserve your attention. These all move you in the direction of Guiding Principle #3: Cultivate a positive and resilient relationship. Making assumptions or believing your past successful experiences determine the best path forward may undermine a collaborative and meaningful connection. Identify what works for each of you, and what could get in the way. Asking about whether to use office, home, or cell phone won’t take much effort, and will be a timesaver. Be responsive and realistic; avoid over promising, but be willing to stretch.

Use a list of items, like the one in Tool 2-2, to clarify your expectations. Later, turn this conversation into a documented mutual agreement about how you will be working together.

TOOL 2-2

SEVEN TOPICS TO DISCUSS ABOUT WORKING TOGETHER

Identify Your Roles

Seasoned mentors avoid coming into the effort believing they know what’s required in this new relationship. Consider that mentoring programs are created to serve a multitude of potential purposes such as career advancement, leader development, retention, and specific skill development. And, as the purpose of the program can vary, so do the requirements of the mentor. Let’s take a look at the mentor and mentee roles in turn, focusing on the responsibilities and behaviors.

Mentor Responsibilities and Behaviors

If your work as a mentor is part of a larger program, the program will likely spell out your responsibilities. These stated mentor responsibilities can be readily shared with your mentee, as both a hard-copy handout and verbally. If your mentoring is separate from any program, it is essential to be clear about how you view your role and convey that to your mentee. Since a significant aspect of building and maintaining trust is reliability, consistently delivering on your role, as defined in a handout you provide to your mentee, will be important. Your mentoring then becomes more predictable, and the collaboration more secure. Over time the mentee can return to the document if accountabilities in the relationship are unclear; it empowers the mentee to raise questions if the routine changes (for example, when a mentor unilaterally changes the pattern of their meetings).

Here is a sample of mentor responsibilities from the Philadelphia Society for People and Strategy’s professional development mentoring program, which I helped to manage for a decade:

• Participate in all mentoring program meetings: kickoff, midpoint check in, and wrap-up conducted via webinar.

• Conduct early conversations about how you will operate as a mentoring partnership, what the mentee’s development goal for the mentorship is, how you will handle providing each other feedback.

• Meet twice monthly with mentee for 60 to 90 minutes, at a time that works for both of you.

• Focus on professional growth (versus “life” challenges).

• Use a coaching approach: ask questions, focus on the mentee’s experiences and how they can be used to grow capabilities, avoid solving problems for the mentee.

• Help the mentee track progress and drive completion of set development goals.

• Apply “boundary management” (that is, maintaining confidentiality, keeping the association professional) so that a trusting relationship is built without overdependency.

• Push the envelope; drive for a real stretch for both mentee and yourself.

• Provide resources such as articles, TED Talks, and those who can be resources for conversations on specific capabilities.

• Demonstrate commitment to the process, advocate for and support your mentee.

• Take the lead in the mentoring process wrap-up.

A powerful aspect of the role is mentor behaviors. This is where your true mentor mastery comes in. As good at this as you are today, you’ll always want to be better. Developing the most effective behaviors requires both learning new as well as breaking old habits. Take a look at Figure 2-1, which identifies the six behaviors that will be important in your work ahead.

FIGURE 2-1

SIX MENTOR BEHAVIORS CRUCIAL FOR MENTOR MASTERY

In today’s environment, the mentor serves as a coach, facilitator, questioner, resource provider, and more. Your behaviors should spur the mentee’s thinking and problem solving, widen their perspective, encourage them to take new steps, raise their confidence, and provide food for thought. Thinking about your role as guru, teacher, and problem solver is old school. As a seasoned mentor, AJ offers this advice to his new mentor colleagues: “Though tempting to do, mentoring is not about giving them the solution to the problems they face; it is about helping them figure out the best way to solve it for themselves, with you in the wings cheering them on.” This is all in service of Guiding Principle #7: Bring your best self. In carrying out your role, here are some tips on how you can embody the six behaviors that promote learning and collaboration with your mentee:

Managing the Process

Track progress both in the mentoring relationship and toward mentees’ development goals. Ensure meetings occur with regularity and are meaningful. Provide safety by being accepting and judgment free. Allow for mistakes (be tolerant and patient) and turn those into learning experiences.

Asking Great Questions and Listening Well

Ask questions that encourage the mentee to increase self-awareness, consider the context of the situation they are encountering, and explore possible solutions. Allow for silence, giving open space while the mentee talks about concerns, searches for ideas, and shares important stories.

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Assess readiness of mentee to receive and use feedback. Be courageous to caringly share what you see in your mentee’s behavior. Listen while the mentee makes sense of the feedback. Ask for the mentee’s feedback and respond to it. Promote an honest dialogue.

Encouraging New Perspective and New Learning

Challenge the mentee to see beyond their role and immediate dilemma. Help them view the situation or tasks from the vantage point of others, and ask them to talk with trusted colleagues about it. Spur the mentee to increase knowledge and skills to better understand and work with the world around them.

Supporting the Mentee to Take Action and Create New Behaviors

Explore different actions that can deliver an improved or bigger result. Prepare the mentee to test new approaches at work. Debrief after new actions are tried to discuss impact and help fine-tune the actions.

Following Through to Assure Results

Deliver on promises you made for providing information, resources, or to discuss specific topics. Offer ongoing support of new actions the mentee has taken and mine the learning from those. Give your mentee confidence to address persistent difficulties at work. Identify and encourage next steps.

As you describe the role expectations, invite your mentee to ask any questions. That way, the two-way dialogue secures a shared understanding. There is a lot more to come on all of these mentor behaviors as you continue reading this book.

Mentee Responsibilities and Behaviors

This is a mutual relationship. While you take a lead role in overseeing the process, much of the work toward accomplishing results happens with the mentee; they cannot be passive. Established mentoring programs set criteria for mentee selection, and screening is done to ensure the mentee is ready. Then, mentees start off with a briefing which includes familiarity with their responsibilities. If these elements are not present for your mentoring, prepare for the initial meeting by having suggestions in hand.

Start the conversation about mentee responsibilities by asking your mentee what they believe is most important in their role. Your question-and-answer dialogue will clarify how they define and view these accountabilities. From there you can pose additional role elements, if needed. Here are some sample mentee responsibilities you can both draw from:

• Participate fully in meetings: kick-off, midpoint check-in, and twice monthly with mentor, and virtual program wrap-up.

• Set clear and realistic goals, and track progress throughout the process.

• Focus on your real work and challenges, not academic questions.

• Stretch and challenge yourself, seeing things differently and trying new behaviors.

• Be accountable to work through problems and challenges in a new way.

• Gain deeper self-awareness.

• Intentionally support the process so that it works well for your mentor.

• Regularly reflect on new behaviors you are developing.

There is no question that this is a unique relationship for mentees, especially if this is their first mentoring experience. Different from the work environment, they do not have performance requirements attached to their efforts. During your work together, the mentee will benefit by being more open, reflective, and daring in trying new approaches. In the case of Jacob and Raisha, Raisha was a bit confused about the need to identify specific behaviors in the mentoring relationship, since they had just discussed her mentee responsibilities. Here’s how Jacob explained it to Raisha: “Being conscious of specific behaviors to use in mentoring will make your approach to mentoring more intentional and separate it from the typical things you do at work or home. For example, learning to regularly experiment with new approaches is something you told me you do not do much of at work. If we call that out as a behavior you will use in this mentoring process, you will turn that into a developmental habit for yourself. We do not need a long list of behaviors, just several that will be most helpful to keep top of mind.”

Similar to Jacob, you, too, can have such a discussion with your mentee about which behaviors will tailor to your mentee’s development game plan. Here are a few mentee behaviors the two of you can consider in this early part of your relationship. Find the best fit to suit your mentee and their personality, skill set, and direction.

• Expand your perspective.

• Experiment with new behaviors.

• Lean in, even when the work gets uncomfortable.

• Respect the mentor’s role and avoid boundary breaks (for example, asking for advice outside your agreed scope).

• Provide and receive feedback thoughtfully.

• Ask high-gain questions.

• Demonstrate courage and risk taking.

• Regard missteps as lessons.

Just as with the discussion about your mentor role, gain clarity, identify examples, and invite questions so the two of you have greater alignment. It won’t be complete, yet far better than taking for granted you are both on the same page. Of course, the proof of your aligned view about roles will be seen in the upcoming weeks and months to come as you each move into action. Relationships evolve over time. As an example, Jacob always anticipates that he and his mentee will revisit parts of this discussion over the first few meetings, so that they can serve each other in the best ways possible.

Create a Mutual Agreement

Now that you have covered your expectations of working together and your roles, create a mutual agreement. Some pairs use a standard form, others create their own; it is your choice. This written agreement validates your commitment to the process. More details, including the mentee development plan, may be added after a couple more meetings. Revisit this agreement; it serves as a great tool to track how you are doing, and it may be worth making modifications to it as needed (for example, when one of you has relocated, or if your mentee starts a new job). On the next page, you’ll find Tool 2-3, which offers a mutual mentoring agreement template you could use.

The Next Step

While you have created a foundation for your mentoring relationship by getting to know each other, discussing your expectations and roles, and establishing a mutual agreement, there is another vital step to lay groundwork for your mentee’s memorable growth. With step 3 (Set the Direction), you will focus on formulating development goals for the mentoring process; establishing your jointly agreed-upon approach to ongoing meetings; and identifying that, importantly, your mentee will be making forward progress between your meetings.

TOOL 2-3

MUTUAL MENTORING AGREEMENT TEMPLATE