Step 1

Prepare for Your Role

“Today’s preparation determines tomorrow’s achievement.”—Anonymous

Supporting career ambitions, boosting confidence, broadening perspective, inspiring big strides, providing safe conversational space, raising awareness, building deep trust, overcoming obstacles, asking growth-provoking questions, encouraging experimentation, increasing another’s influence, sustaining momentum for growth, and demonstrating patience for learning … who can possibly do all this? You can!

During this mentoring process, you will use the nature of your relationship and tailored conversations as the instrument for growth. Because this is a deliberate development process, you will relinquish power and smart solutions in favor of using approaches that truly allow the mentee to grow. You will meet your mentee where they are today, trading in the direct problem solving and expertise for their experimentation and accumulated confidence. It is a lot to do—but very achievable and yields substantial rewards. You are up for the journey, want to do the best job possible, and will grow as a result. Bravo!

Whether you have mentored five times or never, whether you are part of an organized program or not, this book is written for you. Are you ready to get started?

Recognize Your Role as a Mentor

During my career, there have been a couple outstanding individuals who I consider my mentors. These mentors were generous leaders who nurtured me and helped to grow my capabilities, and I was fortunate they took an interest in me. However, I identified them as my mentors only after the fact, after we were into the relationship for months or years, with no discernable start date. The timing of when the relationship moved into mentoring was blurry because I already had an organizational reporting relationship with them (they were executives and I was in the next level down). It was only once they saw my performance and got to know my character that they began going the extra mile to create a more developmental relationship with me. Those relationships helped me understand organizational dynamics and boost my confidence to make bold moves, such as proposing and then leading a significant organization change process at my Fortune 100 company. Their roles as mentors were mitigated because while giving me advice, they also kept the objectives of the corporation in mind. In fact, we never formally stated that this was a mentoring relationship. At the time, I am not even sure how they might have reacted to me calling them my mentors. Would they have been proud? Surprised? Reluctant?

In addition to these leaders, I was fortunate to have a handful of highly talented and trusted colleagues in my field who supported my growth, expanded my knowledge, and helped me to be more courageous. I looked to them for guidance, relied on our stimulating conversations, and really enjoyed having time with them. Yet, we also never had a well-structured process; those ongoing discussions were more off-the-cuff, which seemed appropriate. Looking back, I now realize none of these relationships ever put the mentoring into full gear.

You can and will do even better than my former “mentors.” Because your role and path forward will be far more transparent and structured, your mentoring relationships will accomplish career-changing results for your mentee. You will have the true title of mentor and own the responsibility to nurture, inspire, and help drive growth; and happily, you will also enjoy the rewards.

Describing Your Role as Mentor

In your role as mentor, you are signing on to be a developmental partner for your mentee with a clear structure, ground rules, and a focus that is squarely centered on the mentee’s professional growth. That growth will yield greater engagement, enjoyment, confidence, performance, and career development. You make that growth possible by facilitating mutual trust and respect, establishing a safe space to expand, asking thought-provoking questions, co-creating solutions, and suggesting approaches that help them grow.

The quality of your relationship is the primary tool for your work. The relationship is voluntary and “at will” for each of you. You are not accountable for your mentee’s duties at work, nor need to satisfy performance requirements. That allows the relationship to really breathe. In fact, you may be working on mentee aspirations that are well beyond the walls of your mentee’s current job. If there are relationship obstacles between the two of you, you will need to get those resolved for the benefit of the mentoring.

You are also a role model, bringing your best self to the relationship and serving in the best interest of your mentee. What is particularly unique is the opportunity to explore mindsets, feelings, and perceptions that influence the mentee’s behavior. You are helping your mentee to explore both inwardly and outwardly.

Distinguishing From Others Who Help Mentees Grow

Let’s explore the differences between your role as mentor and four important roles that also help develop your mentee.

Manager Who Is a Coach

The manager-coach has an eye on expanding performance and company retention of the employee, with the employee (mentee)viewed as a company asset. While that manager will help with developing greater competencies and possibly career moves, it is in the context of the organization’s needs, and retaining the employee. So for example, as the employee discusses career moves with their manager, they are almost always considering roles that are typically on the path of the current job. There can be an expectation that what is discussed in their meetings is not confidential, making it tough for the mentee to fully express ideas and address certain issues related to their organizational life.

External Coach

The external coach is a paid professional on a contract, usually by the organization, and may have an overarching objective as established by the company. The external coach is highly skilled and certified in coaching methods (many of which mentors also aspire to use) and assessments. The coach will establish an enriching relationship and, like a mentor, will establish a safe zone for in-depth conversations to help the employee explore and test new behaviors. Coaches are masters of growth and development and have dedicated their professional careers to this endeavor. As an example, the talent management department may bring in an external coach to prepare a high-performing, strategically minded professional to take on a leadership role. When the coach’s contract has been fulfilled, although the employee may want to continue the relationship, that relationship will likely end or significantly change focus.

Consultant

Similar to the external coach, a consultant is a highly skilled professional on a paid contract. The consultant is typically working on a specific project or organizational change and may work closely, even one on one, with the employee. The partnership may be developmental for the employee, and they will learn a great deal. In the end, the consultant is largely focused on the larger organizational project and the related outcomes. Similar to the paid external coach, when the contract ends, the relationship will likely end or change focus.

Trusted Colleague

With the individual’s trusted colleague, a bond of trust and respect can be created. Similar to a mentor, the colleague is voluntary and “at will,” and that can underlie a strong connection. With a trusted colleague, the employee can share feedback, which can be especially useful if that person sees the employee in action. These relationships are very important for development and should be nurtured. In fact, research shows that we have more satisfying and productive work lives when we have trusted friends at work (Burkus 2017). But few employees have a trusted colleague with the skills, experience, and perspective of a mentor. Colleagues do not usually set goals and a pathway for achieving certain skills development over a period of time. There is no contract in place; so when one gets busy, becomes envious, or the relationship no longer feels mutual, the ongoing conversations can dwindle or end abruptly.

All four of these relationship types are incredibly valuable for your mentee and should be cultivated and enjoyed. Yet, only you play the unique role of mentor. You can potentially change a mentee’s path and even work life. Now, let’s delve into the foundational principles of your role.

Use the Seven Guiding Principles of Successful Mentors

Christina is director of a financial analytics function for a global business-to-business products company. She is also a seasoned mentor. She has repeatedly gotten rave reviews from her mentees, and in turn, her mentees have gotten stellar feedback from their managers regarding their increased capabilities. Paul, a 29-year-old who had recently gotten promoted into a senior analyst role, had been matched with Christina, and they spent a year mentoring together. Paul shared what he particularly revered in Christina: “It did not take long for me to feel exceptionally comfortable talking with Christina,” Paul said, “and I looked forward to each of our meetings, making them a priority even when my calendar was jammed.” He felt understood and respected, even though their worlds were not the same. She encouraged him to speak freely about his successes, concerns, and mistakes.

“In a word,” Paul said, “I felt safe in our conversations.” That safety allowed Paul to open up and explore both his aspirations as well as what it would take to get there. “Our conversations had both structure and flexibility. We would often brainstorm, with Christina giving me the lead in those discussions. Christina had a lot of great ideas, resources, and broad perspective on the business. We always ended our conversations with me describing next steps I would take at work to try out new approaches that would expand my skills. She was so encouraging. We discussed the steps sufficiently so that I could take actions on things I never thought I would do, such as recommending an approach to repair conditions with a troubled, large client account. It really raised my confidence about formulating an information-backed turnaround plan, asserting my educated point of view, and presenting customer strategy to upper management. I figured it was time to push myself into trying new things, and I could always come back to Christina for help and to make sense out of what happened.”

Christina is clearly a talented mentor. But was she a natural from her very first mentoring experience? No, and very few mentors are. It takes a focused effort and practice. She developed her skills by learning from experts, self-reflection, and experimenting with new behaviors with each successive mentee. Though she had always been comfortable with in-depth conversations, she still hit roadblocks and surprises, and discovered a great deal about herself in the process. What she learned through mentoring actually ended up changing how she managed and developed her team at work, and also positively affected how she interacted at home and with friends.

As you think about yourself in the role as mentor, consider the seven guiding principles in Figure 1-1, and see if you can pick out where they resonate in Paul’s description of Christina. Much more about these guiding principles will unfold in the upcoming chapters.

FIGURE 1-1

THE SEVEN GUIDING PRINCIPLES OF SUCCESSFUL MENTORS

1. Start Where Your Mentee Is (Not Where You Think They Should Be)

At times, mentors have different hopes for their mentees than mentees have for themselves. Understand that your mentee’s aspirations and goals represent their best thinking at that time and are important to them. So, get a good fix on your own assumptions about what would be best, and hold that off to the side. Learn more about bringing out their best and making them a success, even if it looks nothing like what you had in mind.

Here’s an example from a father-daughter conversation that can easily be applied to mentoring. In a restaurant at the table next to mine, I overheard a teenager joyfully tell her dad, “I know what I’d like to major in at college. I would love to be a sixth-grade teacher.” Her dad responded, “Well OK, but not sure that’s really a good choice; you’ll have low pay. Maybe you should think about a marketing degree instead.” Tears formed in his daughter’s eyes. This example brings home the point that being driven by your own interests about what will be good for your mentee leads to disconnects, withholding thoughts, and stalled progress, because they will be working on (or fighting with) your agenda, not their own. Once you join on their playing field and they feel trusted and respected, you will be in a better place to have them consider your ideas. Honor who they are; this process is personally tailored, not prescriptive. Other mentors who have put this to use report that being guided by this principle actually leads to more satisfying results for both the mentor and the mentee.

2. Create a Conversational Safety Space

A conversational safety space is created when your mentee feels trusted, respected, and understood. In this space, you encourage the mentee to fully express themselves without judgment. This requires the mentor to demonstrate both self-awareness and discipline. Experienced mentors go well beyond listening for content, tuning into the mentee’s attitudes and feelings. This type of conversation is the hallmark for successful mentoring. Because the mentee knows the discussion is confidential, they can share what they may not share elsewhere, so new avenues can be explored, assumptions examined, and approaches discussed. Without safety, your mentee will hold back or give you answers they think you want to hear.

3. Cultivate a Positive and Resilient Relationship

The quality of the relationship is the primary tool for the mentoring process. Acceptance, mutual respect, and transparency are all part of that, and important for you to model. Though you are both participants in the relationship, you have the lead in observing how the relationship is going and taking steps to ensure its vitality. A real test comes when there are differences, and you do not like their approach or attitude, or they yours. Yet, building the relationship from that point forward is required, and your mentee will need to do the same. It shows that relationships can be strong, even if ideas are not totally aligned. A positive environment is where new ideas, creativity, and insight flourish. Welcome the unexpected; when anger or frustration does arise, use these to explore a constructive outcome.

4. Be Flexibly Goal Oriented

Your work together requires a jointly understood goal for development. Without a goal, you may drift around and find interesting things to talk about, but accomplishments will be limited. Make the most of your time, and deliver real results—big results. The goal is set early in your process, based on thoughtful consideration. As the mentor, be attuned during each meeting to reach for the relevance of that conversation toward accomplishing the goal. At the same time, your conversations should not feel like a project team meeting that is in constant press to get tasks accomplished. Allow for off-the-path exploration, and leave open the possibilities for surprises. Revisit the goal periodically for the possibility of modifying the goal based on the mentee’s latest circumstances.

5. Drive Risk Taking for New Mindsets and Behaviors

A paradoxical action is that you provide safety in the mentoring relationship, only to then push your mentee to take risks. Yet, it is the very safety of you being in the wings that allows your mentee to boldly take new and uncomfortable behaviors. In the case of Christina and Paul, he took a significant leap—not little progressive steps, in proposing a solution and then leading the charge. Leading up to this, Christina took the position of being both supportive and tough. There will be little growth if your mentee only thinks or talks about new actions and behaviors; your mentee actually has to try those on for size. Aim high. Have your mentee stretch outside their comfort zone on a continuous basis, and help them view mishaps as part of the learning process that will be debriefed and then perfected for the next actions. This requires resilience on their part and yours.

6. Explore the Internal World as a Driver for External Actions

Your mentee’s effectiveness is greatly shaped by their self-awareness. How well they can tune in to understand their own motives, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses will help determine the quality of interactions with others. By creating the conversational safety space, you are in a great spot to use productive questions and have them explore what prompts them, bringing the hidden drivers of behavior into consciousness. You can help them check out assumptions, perspectives, fears, and impact on others, all aimed toward more effective interactions. This book has dedicated an entire chapter to this important element of mentoring (Step 6: The Power of Questions), helping you to open new pathways of insight for your mentee.

7. Bring Your Best Self

It is amazing just how much influence a mentor has with a mentee. As a mentor, you are studied for your attitudes, your work habits, how you handle mishaps, your professionalism, and more. It is a big responsibility to be someone’s admired role model. Be fully present and prepared for each meeting, and manage the interactions with your mentee for the best possible outcomes. You are not expected to be a superhero, just a really great mentor. Continue to develop yourself while you are helping to develop your mentee. And, while you are at it, consider what it means to be inspirational. You will continue to be a marvelous mentor.

Review the Seven Guiding Principles

Consider how you are experiencing these seven guiding principles of successful mentors. These are core to the work you will be doing as a mentor. Pause for a bit and consider these questions: How are these making you feel? What excites you? What intrigues you? What scares you?

These seven guiding principles are not merely present at one time or another in your mentoring; these seven are present for each and every meeting! The good news is that you will hardly be starting from scratch. You already have many of the skills that are crucial elements of these principles, such as listening, being open to other perspectives, compassion, self-insight, and tenaciously following through for results. Capitalize on these and the many other skills you already have. As you apply these principles, pay attention to the skills you will need to enrich; learning is an important aspect of your own journey as mentor. Mastering these guiding principles will be as enlightening as it is gratifying. Frequently check in with Tool 1-1 to keep these top of mind.

TOOL 1-1

THE ESSENTIALS OF THE SEVEN GUIDING PRINCIPLES OF SUCCESSFUL MENTORS

Understand Your Motivation for Being a Mentor

When asked what got her started as a mentor, Christina stated a five-word response provided by thousands of other mentors: “I wanted to give back.” She continued, “I had come to a point in my own life where I had achieved a lot of career satisfaction and then wondered what was next for me. And, I decided it was time to share what I had to offer. It took me a little while to wrap my head around how this would be different from the way I manage and develop my team members at work, and what I really hoped to get out of it. I wanted it to be distinct from what I had in other relationships and wanted to do it right. Once I was clear about that, I felt very, very driven to do this.”

In your own preparation to be a mentor, exploring your hopes and motivations will identify what you are bringing to this mentoring (something you can share with your mentee later), your underlying assumptions, and the preferences you have about mentoring.

Your attraction to being a mentor likely emanates from a number of experiences and personal characteristics. Perhaps you had a mentor who left a significant impression by helping you in pivotal moments of your life, or you lacked a mentor and can relate to the feeling of isolation in handling challenges on your own. You may naturally enjoy nurturing others, have an affinity for social responsibility, or want to contribute to your field. Whatever your spark, you are now finding great satisfaction in helping another, and creating a bridge to someone’s successful future based on your own experiences, knowledge, and wisdom.

The timing to become a mentor is no coincidence. It is actually human nature to have this interest once we have created a full life and experience success in our careers. Well-known psychologist Erik Erikson identified that as adults, after we have mastered shaping our identity and forming lasting relationships, we move into a desire for “generativity,” crafting a legacy by creating or nurturing things that will live on past our careers and lives. Having mentees, and benefitting their lives, is one of the ways to fulfill our need to leave our mark and be part of something bigger than our own world. It is a way we feel more complete and satisfies our own needs to be whole (McLeod 2018).

Helping to make a positive and productive impact on another’s life is a complex effort. Each person who is drawn to mentor carries their distinctive view of what mentoring is all about. From this book, you will learn more deeply what it means to mentor an adult for their professional development. Whether you mentor someone younger than yourself or someone your own age or older who seeks your help in their development, the seven guiding principles of mentors already give you ideas about what will be most important. Tuning into your motivation, assumptions, and expectations will help to clarify your current starting point, an important part of your preparation. If ideas you encounter in the book are different from your own, if there are surprises, it will be worth you time to consider how to shape the best path forward. Tool 1-2 is an exercise for you, similar to what Christina did, to be fully prepared for mentoring. Think through the following questions to uncover your motivation and assumptions.

TOOL 1-2

QUESTIONS TO UNCOVER YOUR MOTIVATION AND ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MENTORING

Participate in a Program or Create Your Own

From the initial introduction to your mentee through to the wrap-up of the mentoring, there are deliberate steps that make the journey highly valuable and memorable. When you know what to expect in the phases of your work together, there is a true sense of a journey to a destination, rather than wandering around or having a new target for each meeting. A framework strengthens the partnership and keeps your actions moving forward. It works just as well and is equally important, whether you are part of a formal mentoring program or not. If you are not working in the setting of an organized program, create a framework for the mentoring that can be shared with your mentee.

The length of your program can vary and is somewhat determined by how often you meet. Meeting frequency is either once or twice a month, for 60-90 minutes. In company programs, because an objective is to include new mentees regularly, the duration is typically six to 12 months in length, with an informal option to meet on a less frequent basis afterward. In such company programs, the pairs might meet 10-15 times over the course of mentoring, and a tremendous amount of development can occur in that time. For those of you mentoring independent of a program, the length can be longer than a year, and it is advised that you check in at least quarterly to identify an approximate completion date. Identifying when you will wrap up, and not leaving it open ended, allows you to put into motion the vital closure steps, crucial to the lasting impact of the mentoring process (see step 10 for more details).

Tool 1-3 is a sample framework for your ongoing mentoring, whether you are in a formal program or on your own. Notice it has distinct focus for the first few meetings and the last few meetings. In the middle is the ongoing work of deepening your relationship to support the mentee’s quest to expand, develop, and field-test new behaviors and mindsets. Through this process the mentee will work through old assumptions and perspectives, experiment with new ways of behaving, feel more confident, and experience the potential for increased impact. In the end, mentees will be improved versions of themselves … and you will be as well.

TOOL 1-3

THE MENTORING PROCESS FRAMEWORK

Consider the Readiness Checklist

Tool 1-4 presents a readiness checklist for the work ahead. Some of the items will intrigue you and others will be a piece of cake. Remember that you will be supported in this book to do all of the following.

TOOL 1-4

MENTORING READINESS CHECKLIST

The Next Step

The next crucial step in the mentoring process is establishing the relationship. During this step, you will explore how you and your mentee will get to know each other, create a trusting and respectful partnership, clarify expectations, and reach mutual agreement about what you will be carrying out in this mentoring alliance. This will create a strong foundation for the myriad actions you will take together over the months ahead, resulting in career-changing growth.