Step 5

Expand Growth Using Everyday Psychology

“Self-awareness gives you the capacity to learn from your mistakes as well as your successes. It enables you to keep growing.”

—Lawrence Bossidy

Ripped from the headlines: Thailand, July 2018, 12 soccer-playing boys and their coach are in a dire situation, trapped two-and-a-half miles inside a flooded cave. The world watched as a treacherous and seemingly impossible rescue took place to save them; it was a race against time, as heavy rain had already raised water levels in the cave and a monsoon was approaching within days. The cave system was studied for how flooding water would completely engulf the area where the boys and their coach were located. From around the world, rescuers and experts flocked to Thailand. Outside the cave, a massive pump system was created to get standing water out, holes were plugged from above, and the opening to the cave was left open for oxygen flow and rescue divers.

Inside the cave, the boys’ coach and mentor, a Buddhist who was trained in meditation, was also seemingly doing the impossible. Even after almost two weeks with no food and in darkness, he kept the boys’ spirits lifted and hopeful. All the human emotion that seemed likely—panic, anger, fear, and aggression—did NOT rule; calm and resolve prevailed. Their coach understood what was needed and did not command and control the boys into lifesaving actions. Instead, he used his self-awareness, empathy, and understanding of the team dynamic to guide their actions, employing the practical approaches of psychology and neuroscience.

As a mentor, you will likely never face such a drastic situation with your mentees. Yet there is much to be learned about how to use psychology and neuroscience in practical ways to affect behavior, self-confidence, and impact on others. Even during the best of times, these principles can operate to significantly encourage mentees to stretch their limits, enhance learning, and overcome obstacles. This mentoring approach can make the experience life changing for the mentee.

The idea behind “everyday psychology” is to demystify psychological principles and make them accessible. I define “everyday psychology” as using practical knowledge of both human nature and individual people, during interactions with others, for positive effect (Axelrod 2015). Creating safety within your partnership, helping your mentee to gain deeper self-awareness, and using each conversation to move your mentee toward their ultimate goals will be greatly enhanced by your capability in this arena.

As shown in Figure 5-1, there are five important components of expanding growth using everyday psychology you should know.

FIGURE 5-1

FIVE COMPONENTS OF EXPANDING GROWTH USING EVERYDAY PSYCHOLOGY

Know Your Interior Processes

I bought my first car as a young graduate student living in Colorado. My interests were to have a solid vehicle that would be good for trekking around the mountains and had space for camping and ski equipment. Other than filling the gas tank and checking the oil, car ownership was all a mystery to me, especially what went on under the hood. At first, when something seemed awry, I would simply make a mental note (“Gee, something smells funny” or “What’s making that noise?”) and wait to see if something really needed fixing. After a few expensive repairs, I learned it was far better to replace the mystery with general working knowledge and be confident about what was going on. I did not need a mechanic’s certification to do a great job of keeping the car running well.

Similarly, as mentors, you need to have a working knowledge of what is going on “under the hood” for yourself and your mentee—no advanced degree required.

Experienced mentors know that working only with what is exterior (your mentee’s actions and behaviors) is not enough to build a trustful relationship and effect real development. Working with what is interior (your mentee’s emotions, thoughts, perceptions, insights) is far more important and is key to breakthroughs in growth and development. This is a solid reflection of Guiding Principle #6: Explore the internal world as a driver for external actions. The good news is that you are already doing much of this through the use of interpersonal skills, and that provides a strong basis for expanding ability with interior processes. Let’s start with a primer to increase your understanding of two aspects of interior processes: the psyche and neuroscience.

First, a quick explanation of the psyche. Each of us has an “operating system” in our minds, called our psyche. The psyche influences our thoughts, emotions, actions, and personality. Developed over our lifetime and through our interactions with others and all our experiences, that operating system is vastly layered and deeply embedded. Within the psyche lies an incalculable number of thoughts and emotions that have been filed away, including many that were not fully processed. Much of what is in our psyches is so embedded that it is hidden not only to others, but also to ourselves. Throughout our lifetime, bringing the hidden material into consciousness helps us better understand ourselves and what drives us. It can bring order to sections of the random and disarrayed material in our minds. The more we can bring into awareness, the better.

As mentors, what is important to know is that our psyches respond to others’ efforts to influence, interact with, and develop us. To varying degrees, most of us naturally defend against bringing deeply embedded material to the surface. When you are mentoring, you can adapt a style of interacting that works well with your mentee by tuning into your mentee’s behavior patterns (that is, some of the visible signs of their psyche). Though you do not need to know what is in their psyche, you do need to know how to build a safe and supportive relationship, which allows them the freedom to explore “what’s inside” and bring that to greater awareness. The safety also opens your mentee up to the rigors of feedback and psychologically bolsters them to embrace new work experiences, even when daunting.

Here’s a small example of how this plays out in mentoring. In Marc’s work with his mentee Char, he noticed that she had a habit of lowering her voice when talking about her manager. At first, Marc did not ask Char about it, and simply watched for the pattern. He sensed this was significant in her relationship with her boss. Sometime later, when he shared his observation and they explored it, she was surprised to uncover she was unconsciously trying to stay out of her manager’s way to avoid any conflict.

This awareness turned out to be a pivotal insight for her ability to influence upward, something they had been working on. In this situation, Marc did not need any deep psychological training, just the ability to observe, help Char feel safe, thoughtfully bring it up, and then listen. Marc was perceptive with his timing, understanding that if he brought this up too early, it would either be innocently dismissed by Char or she would be defensive (“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Marc”).

Now, on to a bit of neuroscience. Our awareness of what’s “under the hood” also relies on neuroscience—the functioning of the brain and nervous system. You’ve likely seen a lot about neuroscience lately, as this age-old multidisciplinary study has advanced tremendously in recent decades. The advancements are due in part to science’s ability to visualize neurons and chemical activity in our nervous system. This has particular importance to us because we can better understand the biological basis for perceptions, behaving, learning, and remembering (Kandel 2012).

Science has uncovered the various parts of the brain and how each part is related to different kinds of thoughts and emotional processes. For example, the primitive brain is related to “fight or flight,” while the prefrontal cortex relates to “executive thoughts” and high trust. We also now know that chemicals secreted in the brain cause us to automatically revert to using a particular part of the brain. Two of the primary neurochemicals are cortisol and oxytocin. Cortisol is associated with our primitive brain and mistrust. Cortisol makes the person more alert and protective (very good in dangerous situations). Also important to know is that when cortisol is secreted, the chemical renders individuals less able to reason through a situation. Alternatively, oxytocin is associated with our prefrontal cortex and feelings of trust. When oxytocin is secreted, a person becomes more open to working out solutions and trying new experiences (Glaser 2014).

Just imagine if we understood how to potentially move the other person from a conversation that was driven by mistrust and “fight or flight” to one that was based upon high trust and willingness to collaborate. Guess what? Science is now telling us what is required to do this. In her book Conversational Intelligence, Judith Glaser describes conversational approaches that prime the brain for trust, partnership, and success. Through ongoing conversations, you can have a direct, positive impact on your mentee’s neurofunctioning, shifting the processing in your mentee’s brain! You can make it part of the ongoing process with your mentee when they experience high trust from you. This approach is among the tools used by executive coaches, and you can use it, too.

Consider the following example and what you believe is going on from a neuroscience perspective.

Peter’s mentee Curt had come into the last mentoring meeting angry about how impossible it was to get cooperation from the social media group for his team that needed a survey done. Peter immediately (and repeatedly) tried to redirect the conversation and open up Curt’s perspective for other options. Yet, Curt consistently responded with comebacks such as “It won’t work,” or “Been there, tried that.” The meeting ended with little progress made about the issue.

At the next meeting, Peter tried something else. This time, he not only invited Curt to talk through his anger, he asked probing questions to further consider the circumstances that were making Curt so upset. Peter listened with attentiveness and care. Then, the tides started to shift. Curt settled down and Peter picked up the conversation—not with advice, but with exploratory questions, such as “What if there was some sort of influence that could be made on the social media group that would have them reprioritize your team’s need?” The conversation went on from there.

Do you think the Peter-and-Curt example is simply a normal mentoring interaction and hardly an example of neuroscience? Think again. Consider that in the first meeting Curt was functioning from his more primitive brain, bypassing the opportunity to think constructively. Add to that, Peter, struggling to get Curt to see things differently with his assertions, was likely also having his cortisol moments. In the second meeting, Peter took a different stance and did not get caught up at blocking Curt’s “fight.” Instead, he brought calm and safety to the situation, and opened up the dialogue and invited Curt’s more imaginative thinking. Curt was able to shift (away from fight or flight) to a more collaborative mode and identify potential solutions.

This discussion of interior processes is the first part of exploring how to expand and deepen your mentee’s growth and serves as a backdrop of the balance of the step, beginning next with raising self-awareness. Before we move on, think through how, by using your intuition, self-awareness, and good sense, you have already put some of this science to good use in your meetings. Use Tool 5-1 as a recap of this content with some implications for mentors, so you can do more of this.

TOOL 5-1

OUR INTERIOR PROCESS AND IMPLICATIONS FOR THE MENTOR

Know Yourself

You cannot expect to support others to develop greater self-awareness without doing that for yourself. Self-awareness is your ability to consider your strengths, weaknesses, mindsets, perspectives, behaviors, and emotions and how these align with your intentions. Being self-aware has amazing benefits. Your mind becomes clearer, your actions more intentional, and you are able to control your impulses. You have a deeper understanding of your own attitudes, opinions, and capabilities and how to manage them. Self-awareness is evident in the alignment between your words and actions (you walk your talk); your ability to articulate what you are experiencing; and your physical response to interactions (facial expressions, body posture, and gestures).

When others encounter you as self-aware—and it does show up—they experience you as authentic, reliable, transparent, and trustworthy. In this way, you can be more encouraging and inspirational. Others are more willing to share openly with you, because they feel it will be safe to be open in return, that you will find them acceptable even with their flaws. This may be the biggest key to expanding and deepening growth with mentees.

Mentors who strive to be self-aware are in an ongoing learning process. They understand, for example:

• how they relate to others, and adjust their interactions for positive effect

• what they are good at, and leverage those skills effectively

• their hot buttons and triggers that put them in fight or flight, and work to move past those, ensuring more positive interactions

• that they have “growing edges,” areas where improvements can be made, and they work to improve

• that regularly reflecting on interactions, how they reach decisions, and how they handle themselves during stress provides substance for increasing self-awareness.

Your level of self-awareness continues to build over a lifetime. There are always surprises, disappointments, and challenges that cause you to explore yourself further. Mentors use a variety of sources and actions as part knowing themselves better, including:

• seeking feedback from multiple sources

• pausing “in action” to reflect on what’s going on

• debriefing crucial incidences with trusted colleagues

• participating in behavioral assessments, 360-degree feedback

• using coaches

• participating in leadership development.

Let’s take a look at what one mentor reported as an episode of knowing himself. Hilman was a seasoned mentor and the marketing manager for a large bank. He loved the rewards of being a mentor to up-and-coming professionals in his field. This year he was asked to take on a mentee who was motivated and had great technical skills, but whose career had plateaued. He had been working with Jaqui for a couple months and was having trouble making a good connection with her. This was consistent with Jaqui’s own comments to him—that although she tried to connect with others at work, peers never seemed to bond. She often felt left out.

One morning, Hilman got a text with an apology from Jaqui, saying she was stalled in traffic and would be five more minutes. While he waited for her at the café near her office, Hilman thought about the number of times she had been late—which actually had been most of them. And, he thought about the busy day he had ahead. Then, the next text came in: “Worse than I thought, 10 more minutes….” Now, he started to brew. “Doesn’t she know I am volunteering my precious time?” he thought. He decided to take a deep breath and dig a bit deeper into his feelings.

In his head, he played out a scenario where he exploded at Jaqui when she came over to the table. “Whoa, I must be going through something else,” he thought. He took a minute and remembered several incidents in his past with both co-workers and family members when he felt ignored by them. He considered their behavior to be disrespectful and very painful. But after those incidences, when he learned more about what was going on, they weren’t disrespecting him so much as absorbed in what they were doing. “OK, now I am getting a grip on this. I am not going to rage at Jaqui because of things in my past.”

As he further prepared for this mentoring discussion, he decided he was not ready to bring up her lack of punctuality. That could wait for another time. Jaqui arrived 25 minutes late. Hilman touched on being disappointed about having less time together, she apologized, and they moved ahead with the challenges she was facing.

By the end of the meeting, she expressed her gratitude for such an in-depth and insightful conversation. Hilman would never know what could have been accomplished had he spent much of the time on her lack of punctuality and her inadvertent treatment of others. However, he was very pleased that his self-insights guided him to have a very productive meeting.

Know Your Mentee

Seasoned mentors tell me that the more they mentor, the more they realize they need to allow the full picture of their mentee to emerge. Those early introductions are meant to present a cursory and positive impression. That’s not to say those are inaccurate—just incomplete. What we usually get in the beginning is the “exterior” stuff: most mentees are not yet willing to go deep. Getting to know your mentee requires interaction, listening to their stories and reports of the week, and processing your observations. In other words, this level of getting to know your mentee takes the passage of time and conversations, particularly once your mentee is comfortable with you and the conversation flows freely. It is then that you can put the everyday psychology and neuroscience to best use.

In step 2 we discussed learning about your mentee’s interests, career highlights, and ambitions as part of your early conversations. Now, you are getting to know much more, uncovering personal attributes that are not included on a resume. The purpose of learning more about them is to do your best possible job in helping them make their aspiration a reality.

As you learn more about them, realize they do not need to be good at everything, nor do you need to get hung up on attributes and approaches that are different from your own. You are not looking to develop a “Me_2.0.” Specifically point your focus on underscoring the attributes that will serve them well going forward. Identify current strengths as well as growing edges. There are no judgments being made here. You will use this more in-depth picture to thoughtfully consider areas that can unlock obstacles and spur more growth. Your understanding of everyday psychology serves as a guide to that exploration. The more they feel understood by you, the more trust is built, and the more willingness to stretch and try new mindsets and behaviors. Tool 5-2 offers some general attributes it may be helpful to know about your mentee.

TOOL 5-2

GETTING TO KNOW YOUR MENTEE MORE DEEPLY

Know How to Create Safety

How sincere and meaningful do you believe a mentoring conversation would be if the mentee is feeling cautious and distant? Not very. When you think about safety in those terms, it truly becomes a mentor’s priority to ensure safety is in place.

Whether your mentee is strong and resilient or vulnerable and insecure, safety provides the foundation for a conversation to consider things they may not divulge anywhere else. Whether it is difficult feedback from a manager, a wild aspiration, a moment of pride, or an ongoing anxiety, an emotionally secure environment will allow those words to come out (Guiding Principle #2: Create a conversational safety space). Your mentee may not have the opportunity to do this in the workplace but has it with you. That’s quite an honor. It is only once those words are spoken that the two of you can address what is going on. In many cases, mentors are unaware that there is not enough safety in place and that there is a missed opportunity to take conversations further, increase the relationship bond, and promote greater growth.

What will invite your mentee to fully open up? Creating safety is rarely immediate. Allow this to develop over successive conversations. Here are four conditions for creating a safe space for your mentoring conversation:

1. Trust is in place. Your mentee finds you credible, reliable, and honest, and has confidence that you have their intentions in mind and at heart. This is established through your responsiveness, your consistent preparation and follow-up from meetings, your candor when your opinion varies, and your raising agenda items that have no hidden elements.

2. Mutual respect. You each have positive feelings and admiration for each other, as well as qualities you revere in the other. You lean into your differences and put your assumptions in check. You value your individuality even if (or perhaps especially when) your thinking does not align.

3. Open ears, open mind, and open heart. You are attuned to your mentee’s words and feelings and perceptive to what your mentee is experiencing. Your empathy allows you to truly understand their thoughts and feelings from their reference point. After your mentee relates a story, you respond with compassion to their feelings first, and the situation described second. Their ideas, differing from your own, are welcomed. When you do this, they feel accepted, creating even more safety in the relationship.

4. Present in the moment. You have no distractions. Your attention, thoughts, and feelings are focused on the mentee, their words, their nonverbals, and what they are focused on; your mind is not wandering to solutions or other content.

Here’s an example of creating safety. Although Andrea was very invested in learning how her mentee Will applied new negotiating skills with internal clients, she attentively listened as he described his disappointment in the approach being taken to onboard a new team member (an unexpected new topic). She caringly responded to his frustration. When she asked what aspect of the situation was particularly disturbing, he remarked that his new colleague was not getting the attention she needed and that she seemed lost.

Andrea resisted the urge to give Will a suggestion for addressing this. Instead, she commended him on being tuned into his colleague. What came next was a bit of a surprise. Will related how often he also felt lost with no one supporting him, something that both annoyed and embarrassed him. He had not shared this with Andrea before.

The conversation took off from there. Now, Andrea would be able to help him investigate the awful feeling of not being supported and create a solution to that issue, which otherwise would have unwittingly used up his energy. Hopefully, the next time something like this is happening to him, he will feel safe enough to pick up on it much quicker. Helping Will gain awareness for the next time a similar situation pops up is an example of “Know how to help raise self-awareness.”

Know How to Help Raise Self-Awareness

When Daniel Goleman published his book Emotional Intelligence in 1995, there was a collective sigh of relief among organizational psychologists, like myself, around the globe. He had captured in one place what tens of thousands of pages in books and articles had been using for years to get across those same concepts. Plus, based on research, he provided proof that it really worked. He posited that being emotionally tuned into oneself and others, and using that knowledge to direct one’s actions, was a dominating force to success in the workplace, from small entrepreneurial shops to massive global companies.

The core to the various components of emotional intelligence is self-awareness; it all starts there. This is a crucial skill for your mentee’s future success. It is described as the ability to understand our emotions, our drives, our strengths, and our weaknesses. It enables you to sustain emotionally and socially intelligent behavior over time, despite setbacks. For your mentee, having self-awareness translates to myriad outcomes, including better decisions, greater insight into impact on others, using strengths and weaknesses intentionally, increased confidence, stronger relationships, handling oneself well under pressure, and the list goes on.

How do you help your mentee attain this? Consider the five mentor actions in Tool 5-3 that can help your mentee raise their self-awareness.

TOOL 5-3

FIVE ACTIONS TO HELP MENTEES INCREASE SELF-AWARENESS

Let’s pick up with Hilman and Jaqui. You may recall a couple aspects that stood out from the earlier description:

• Jaqui had a regular habit of being late, with little acknowledgement about it to Hilman

• Jaqui had difficulty bonding with others at work.

For this second point, Jaqui said she tried hard by stopping by colleagues’ desks to make small talk, but was rebuffed time and time again. Hilman surmised she had low self-awareness about how she came across to others and that her defenses were often in high gear, blocking her ability to see that.

Hilman asked if she would be willing to try an activity, to which she agreed. He asked her to self-observe for a week, including what she was feeling going into the interactions, to what degree she was tuned into the other person, the impact she hoped for from that interaction, and the impact she actually had.

Excited to meet with her again, Hilman asked about what she had observed. Jaqui dove into descriptions of how others were interacting with her on a particular work situation (for which she had great expertise) and asserted that they were not appreciating her. She offered no description of what she was doing, or impact she was having. “Hmmm,” Hilman thought to himself, “she didn’t seem to understand the assignment of self-observing … and her defenses were high.” Hilman allowed her to continue to vent, and empathized with what it must have been like for her. He took the tact of “joining her defenses” rather than countering them. Only after his first comments of empathy for her (emotional) situation did he discuss the work issue she was encountering. Jaqui said she appreciated his support; it felt good to be understood.

During the next meeting, Hilman probed with more productive inquiries and asked her to make some “I” statements in her description of work interactions (that is, instead of always talking about “them”). That seemed to be a turning point, and he asked her the self-observation questions. She responded with actual self-observations and was able to assess the impact she was having on others. Bingo! Hilman applauded Jaqui for this breakthrough in perception and encouraged her to keep practicing this, with him and on her own. She did, both increasing her self-awareness and improving her relationships with peers.

How do you think Hilman did as a mentor? You may feel he was not direct or forceful enough, or that the process took too long. However, in this case, with Jaqui’s reported history of difficulty in relationships, Hilman was able to rise above his own feelings of frustration and truly focus on what Jaqui needed, not what he immediately wanted. He established a safe environment. Trust was in place and he listened with open ears, open mind, and open heart. With an everyday psychology approach, he was able to help Jaqui raise her self-awareness. Jaqui’s breakthrough was remarkable; they had both done an impressive job.

The Next Step

In this step to expand and deepen your mentee’s growth, you may have noticed that there are many questions embedded in the discussion. Questions are powerful in opening dialogue, learning your mentee’s point of view, engaging them in a particular conversation, sparking exploration, and increasing their insights. In step 6 (Elevate the Power of Questions), we will consider the various types of questions, how they can be used to maximize the outcomes of a conversation, and what increases its value once the question has been asked.