1. First, Do No Harm

Here is your first and foremost responsibility: take care to always promote your mentee’s best interests. Never undermine, exploit, or dismiss her. Susan Chambers, Walmart executive vice president, global people division, explained how it felt to be undermined:

I was given the authority to make a decision for Walmart on how we were going to handle B2B at a time when e-commerce and the Internet were developing. It was challenging to predict what “winning” was going to look like. I brought together a number of people from the outside and I was ready to sign a contract and make a decision. My boss came in to me that morning and said, “I signed the contract and made the decision.” He’s standing there looking triumphant and happy like I should be very proud of him. I was so angry, I couldn’t talk to him. He said, “I don’t get it. Why are you so angry?” I said, it was my decision. It wasn’t yours. You gave it to me, I have lots of people involved, I was bringing you a recommendation this afternoon, and you decided out of ego or otherwise that you were going to win this, you were going to do it yourself. Later he came back and said he would never do anything like that to me again and acknowledged that he had never realized that trying to solve that issue for the company himself was usurping my authority and the role he had given me.

The original Hippocratic Oath obligated physicians to “abstain from whatever is harmful or mischievous.” So, too, must you always mentor women with their welfare and best interests at heart. Think of your mentorships with women as fiduciary relationships. Lawyers, doctors, and other professionals have fduciary obligations to their clients. Ethical professionals accept the trust and confidence of clients and therefore are obligated to act with the utmost good faith and solely for the benefit of those clients. So, too, should you act on behalf of your female mentees. Here is a simple strategy to help you remain true to this element of mentoring: before any important decision in the mentoring relationship, ask yourself, “How exactly is this in her best interest?” If the answer isn’t immediately apparent, you’d better rethink it.

Perhaps nothing stands to create more havoc in a man’s relationships with women than power. Most mentorships involve a clear power differential; the mentor— by virtue of rank, position, or tenure in the organization— simply holds more power (e.g., resources, networks, decisional authority) than the mentee. And when mentors are a relatively scarce commodity, then mentees may work hard to appease the mentor, sometimes tolerating negative or exploitive relationships.⁴ Even more concerning, many women are quite trusting of male mentors,⁵ and mentoring relationships always come with implicit (unspoken) expectations; a mentee may feel that she owes her mentor far more than the mentor owes her.⁶ Even if you never convey any expectation of her, be very aware that your mentee’s sense of obligation to you may be palpable. This is all the more reason for caution in avoiding emotional enmeshment or romantic involvement. In such power-unequal relationships, never kid yourself into imagining that she can easily say no when you ask her for something. Always be vigilant to honor appropriate boundaries and refrain from any suggestion or request that might carry a hint of exploitation.⁷ In the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, “Use the force [power]”— but only use it to promote her best interests.

Beyond your own awareness of and respect for power dynamics, there are several additional things a male mentor can do to avoid harm to a female mentee. First, clarify your expectations at the outset. The first woman to rise to the rank of admiral in the U.S. Navy, Michelle Howard, recommends that mentors make transparent up front anything their mentee needs to do to participate fully in the mentorship (e.g., collaborate on research projects, accept increasing challenges, communicate any problems or concerns immediately). Second, remember that rank and hierarchy may be unfamiliar and noxious to many women. If you are too power conscious and formal, women may have a tough time relating to you or benefiting from the relationship. Strive for a more egalitarian, relational approach to mentoring;⁸ be her friend not her superior. Third, never abandon a mentee. Sure, there may be moments when you feel uncertain how to help her, concerned about public perceptions of your relationship, and perhaps even anxious about your feelings for her.⁹ Instead of leaving her in the lurch, perhaps assuming she is to blame or somehow unworthy of your continued support, you need to man up and address your discomfort and anxiety head on. Few things are more disheartening and damaging to a mentee than to have her mentor pull a 180 and duck out. Finally, if you’re a guy with a past, by all means, don’t let your baggage torpedo your mentee’s career. Got enemies in the organization? How about a reputation for a past indiscretion? Do what it takes to protect her from the “contagion” of your own history and political messes.

2. Know Thyself I: Confront Your Gender Biases

Gentlemen, here’s the thing: we all— and we do mean all— tend to make instantaneous, automatic, often unconscious assumptions about others. We do it every day (e.g., overweight people are just__; Asians are always __; short men tend to __). And of course, as men, we easily and quickly label and categorize the other half of the human race based on the effects of a single chromosome. We are all practiced experts at making rapid-fire— and it turns out, often inaccurate— assumptions about the female variety of our species. Think we’re exaggerating? Try this: as you read each item below, answer it as quickly as you can. What is the very first thing that comes to mind? Be honest. Go!

Most women are ______.

Females always need ______.

Compared to boys, girls ______.

At work, women just ______.

Female bosses ______.

Now review your responses. Are there a couple that make you cringe? Would sharing them with a group of female colleagues make you blush?

It turns out that if you are a guy, you probably make a number of automatic and deeply biased assumptions about women every day.¹⁰ True, women are sometimes guilty of their own stereotyped assumptions about men, but our focus here is how men’s stereotyped beliefs about women can lead to faulty assumptions about the women we mentor. Consider the following gender biases many men harbor. Whether conscious or hidden, subtle or malicious, all of them have the potential to undermine women and poison our mentoring efforts:

♦ Women lack sufficient drive and career commitment; they don’t possess the ambition to make it.

♦ Women will eventually leave to have children; they’re a risky investment.

♦ Women are overcommitted outside of work; they’re too busy being wives and mothers to be productive and get promoted.

♦ Women who work as many— or more— hours than men are aberrant; they should be home tending to children and spouse.

♦ Women don’t have the leadership traits necessary to succeed; they’re not assertive, competitive, or stoic enough.

♦ Women are too emotional; they lack the mental toughness required to lead.

♦ Strong women are bitches; strong men are leaders.

We can nearly guarantee that the talented women you mentor will encounter these and other biases daily; the more male-dominated the workplace, the more pervasive the gender bias.

Listen to the experiences of two women who made it to the top. Former Air Force Brigadier General Dana Born recalled that one of her early male supervisors would often ask her advice on key strategic decisions. “I recall that this man would often preface his questions with, ‘Unemotionally, what is your take?’ He was saying, keep your emotion out of it. But passion about an issue and emotion often blur. When I express myself on an issue I am passionate about, others sometimes perceive it as being emotional.” General Born described being pressured to change her entire persona, her way of communicating, both because her boss expected all women to “be emotional” and because he was obviously uncomfortable when emotion entered a conversation. In a similar vein, listen to the experience of Janet Petro, deputy director of the Kennedy Space Center: “Men seem to expect women to be kind, nurturing, and nice. I had a very negative experience with a male colleague who complained I was not ‘likeable.’ It was all about his bias that if you’re a woman who is strong and no nonsense, you’re not likeable. I wish men could really understand their own biases and expectations about women.”

Here is the worst of it: many of our stereotypes about women operate below conscious awareness.¹¹ Implicit or unconscious biases are corrosive to good mentorship, not only because she will feel stereotyped and diminished as a colleague, but worse, women sometimes harbor and internalize these stereotypes so that they actually become self-fulfilling prophecies.¹² Even the subtle message you are unconsciously communicating (e.g., she doesn’t have what it takes to make it at the next level) may cause her to see herself through that lens. Even if you demonstrate only through behavior— never words— that you privilege the men you mentor with greater favor and opportunity, she’ll get the message loud and clear: she’s not as worthy. The tragedy here is that women are already socialized to hide their ambitions and aspirations; they learn early to defect attention from themselves and let the guys around them take credit. As for women’s ambitions, like men, they need recognition and acknowledgement of their successes to keep the fres stoked— they’re just not as likely to find it. Guys, if you want to mentor well, you’ve got to face your own biases about the capability and potential of women. Then, you need to start actively getting to know and deliberately sponsoring women at work. Only exposure to talented women and experience pushing them forward will change stereotyped attitudes.

We close with a little top-secret intel, guys: to the extent that you develop a broad, inclusive, fexible view of gender— one driven by fewer myths and stereotyped attitudes about women— you will probably become a more successful husband, father, and friend.¹³ Certainly, your children— daughters and sons— need to see you actively affirming and including women. And we have never met a woman who reported a negative reaction to her male partner’s efforts to better appreciate her experience and support her work– life choices unconditionally.

3. Know Thyself II: Understand Your “Man Scripts”

Think about the women in your life when you were growing up. Did you have sisters? Did you have true friendships with girls, or did they mostly make you feel nervous? Did your mother have a career outside the home? If you grew up with both parents, was your parents’ relationship quite traditional or did they share parenting and domestic chores more equally? How did they treat one another? If you have dated women, how would you describe your role in those relationships? Perhaps more important, how would the women you have helped during your career describe you? Are you the warrior/ protector, wise father figure, belt-notching seducer, or perhaps just the “best friend” type?

Guys, we are all actors in a play. Throughout our childhood and adolescence, we’ve been handed scripts that tell us how to enact our roles as men with women. Now, as adults, when we encounter women in the workplace— particularly when women are a minority— we naturally default to these man scripts; they help us to reduce feelings of uncertainty and anxiety that can arise when we work closely with someone of the opposite sex. In her pioneering research on cross-gender mentorship at work, organizational psychologist Kathy Kram found that both sexes quickly assume stereotypical roles in relating to each other.¹⁴ Do they help us work together more effectively? Often, they do not, but they sure can make the dynamics more familiar and help us feel more relaxed!

Think of this as sex-role spillover.¹⁵ Men who are uncomfortable with women at work naturally react to them from the perspective of the male/female roles and patterns they are most familiar with in their personal lives (e.g., sex object, lover, wife, daughter, mother). These familiar scripts may be comforting and stabilizing, but they are often irrelevant to work. Sometimes, they are quite harmful. To make matters even more challenging, men and women often collude together in an unconscious dance, enacting familiar scripts that can sabotage a woman at work. Faced with uncertainty, both sexes may unwittingly drag their accustomed ways of interacting with the opposite sex into the here-and-now mentoring relationship. These stereotyped roles spring from our early experience but they also have biological and even evolutionary roots. Make me anxious and put me in an unfamiliar work relationship with a woman, and my caveman brain defaults all too quickly to, “Me Tarzan, you Jane.”

Here are three of the most common man scripts.¹⁶ Take an honest look at each of them. Then, ask yourself if any of these patterns feel familiar. Certainly, we can enact more than one script in our mentorships with women.

♦ Father–Daughter: Most prevalent and risky when a mentorship involves an older man and a younger woman, the father script guides a man to assume the roles of wise guide and protector. This mentor guides a mentee while shielding her from the risks and struggles of organizational life. If the “father” is unconditionally accepting and communicates approval of the “daughter,” this script might work for a time. But the father– daughter script requires a woman to maintain the role of one who is less competent and requires protection. This script too often undermines a mentee’s autonomy and it is certain to stifle emergence of a coequal, collegial partnership at work.

♦ Warrior/Knight–Maiden in Distress: When a male mentor defaults to a chivalrous knight script, he may unconsciously provoke female mentee scripts such as “helpless maiden.” He may see himself as stronger, more competent, and bound by honor to rescue her at every turn. If she plays along with this script, the female mentee may feel pressured—often unconsciously— to hide her own competence or perhaps even pretend neediness or ineptness. Alternatively, she may default to playing nurturing mother to the tough warrior, serving as his confidante and soothing him behind the scenes. Like the father– daughter script, this arrangement is guaranteed to stunt her professional development and limit the growth of the mentorship.

♦ Seducer–Seductress: When a man has a strong need to be loved and adored by women, he may enact the script of macho seducer. This mentor may be unconsciously dependent upon female mentees to validate his masculinity and attractiveness.¹⁷ Such mentorships might include flirtation and thinly disguised erotic tension. Although these mentoring scripts may appear fun, even titillating on some level, they nearly always distract attention from a woman’s intellectual and professional contributions, and there is a real risk that the male’s need for validation and the female’s need for intimacy in the relationship may interact in a way that makes a sexual affair— a profound violation of his obligation to do no harm— more likely.

We mention these scripts, not to shame you— we see no value in shame— but to provoke self-awareness and honesty. You didn’t choose the scripts you enact with women. Yet somehow, through evolution and early experience, they have been coded on your hard drive. There are several problems with enacting stereotyped man scripts in your mentorships with women.¹⁸ First, each script is likely to reduce your mentee’s competence and effectiveness at work. Even if your pattern of behavior is unconscious, responding to a female mentee as a daughter, helpless maiden, or romantic partner serves to entrap her in a role that naturally undermines her ability to separate from the mentor and be taken seriously. Second, each of these traditional gender roles reinforces the power discrepancy in the relationship; she may quickly become mired in a permanently hierarchical mentorship. Finally, each of these scripts will force you, the mentor, to maintain the façade of wise, all-knowing, battle-hardened expert. In so doing, you will miss out on the opportunity to enjoy a two-way relationship, one that contributes to your own personal and professional growth.

Want to mentor women well? Face your man scripts and refuse to let them jeopardize your mentoring relationships with women! First, become more self-aware and explore your own pattern of relating to women generally. Second, spend time with the women you mentor and be deliberate about building a strong friendship; greater trust will reduce the need to resort to stereotyped roles. Finally, if you discover you are enacting any of the scripts mentioned in this element, avoid overreacting and withdrawing abruptly from the mentorship. Manage your own discomfort with intimacy or attraction responsibly. Sudden aloofness and avoidance are never constructive.

4. Be “That” Guy

If you’re serious about mentoring women well, if you aspire to be a genuine change agent for women in the workplace, you really have to “be that guy,” as Kathy Hannan, partner for diversity and corporate responsibility, KPMGm explained:

Establish trust with your behavior first. Advocate for her, toot her horn, push her forward, make it clear that you believe in her performance. Start mentoring her before you are formally assigned to this role. Just “be that guy” who does it without being asked. You tell her you believe in her with your behavior and actions. Doing that first creates the trust that leads to a genuine mentorship.

You have to be that guy who really gets it, the one who understands that as women enter leadership positions at work, organizations are more effective and collegial.¹⁹ More women in the workplace translates to greater flexibility, cooperation, and organizational success. And you’ve got to be that guy willing to speak up for women and use your power to open doors for them. Janet Petro, deputy director, Kennedy Space Center, refected that talk isn’t enough; you’ve got to back it up with action:

You have to take very specific actions to follow up with women and be a deliberate advocate. Don’t just say, “Hey, I’m mentoring all these women.” You actually have to be accountable to do the things a mentor is supposed to do. Check in with them, meet with them, listen, advocate, create opportunities for them. You have to do this over a long period of time to be credible. Actually make an investment and walk the talk.

Sheryl Sandberg, COO at Facebook and author of Lean In, reminds men that creating a more equal world at work, being part of the solution, should be a badge of honor for men, not a source of embarrassment.²⁰ In our interview with Sheryl, she asserted that we men should mentor women because it’s good for us (not just women): “Do it because it’s good for you. Don’t do it as a favor to women, because if you’re the man who more women want to work with, you’re going to outperform your peers in the organization. Do it for you, you’ll do it better and you’ll do it with more conviction.”

So how can you be “that guy”? Here are some simple strategies. First, lead from the front and set the tone for inclusivity. Too often, men’s voices have been absent when it comes to promoting women at work.²¹ To be that guy for women, you’ll have to work against your natural homosocial behavior and deliberately put women into positions of visibility, giving them both the responsibility and the support to compete for promotions on a level playing field with men. Brigadier General Becky Halstead recalled that one of her mentors, General Hill, promoted her to become his executive assistant. Then, as they traveled around the world visiting other military leaders, he took every opportunity to talk about her and the value added that women bring to the military; he encouraged other leaders to integrate more women into their armed services. Not surprisingly, more women started to pop up in key positions in these countries. It takes a few courageous men to do this first, men who aren’t worried what everyone’s going to think.

Second, deliberately inquire about the experiences of women in the workplace and then do what you can to address problems and promote equity. At NASA, Janet Petro recalled that her mentor, Robert Lightfoot, did this routinely: “He would ask, ‘do you feel that you have been discriminated against on the basis of gender?’ I found that so helpful to hear from a male who was truly interested in my experiences and wanted to correct any inequalities. He created a safe space to talk about the obstacles for women. He truly wanted to make sure that neither his own behavior, nor the environment at NASA would get in my way.”

Third, deliberately promote formal mentoring programs, especially those targeting women. Then, be among the first to sign on as a mentor. Although most of us prefer mentorships to form naturally, here’s the thing: relying on cross-gender mentorships to form organically and informally results in lower rates of mentoring. When mentorships are an expectation, formally arranged and sanctioned, women face fewer barriers to initiating key relationships with more senior men. Laura Behling, dean and vice president at Knox College, recalled being required—as a new assistant professor—to participate in a formal mentoring program: “It forced you to have a mentoring relationship. If there is a formal structure for pairing people so that it is just natural and expected that everyone will have a mentor; that is a key to removing some of the obstacles to having a mentor.”

Here is a final strategy for being “that guy”: just be yourself. Promoting inclusivity and sponsoring talented women can’t be an act. Seriously, guys, women are too smart for that. If you try to sling on your “Super Mentor” cape only when it suits you or when your own boss is watching, you’ll be dismissed as a fraud from the start. Coast Guard Academy Superintendent, Rear Admiral Sandra Stosz, framed it this way: “I’ve seen too many men who put on a persona as the mentor. Women tend to be a lot more collaborative, be themselves more than men do sometimes. So, be yourself if you want to earn a woman’s trust.”

Will being “that guy” always be easy? At times, men’s efforts to champion women are met with suspicion, resistance, even anger—from men and women.²² Your authors’ experience as “two dudes” writing a book on mentoring women is illustrative here. When we first began sharing our idea for this book, we got some interesting reactions, everything from raised eyebrows and snorts of laughter to dubious frowns followed by, “but … you’re … men …” (as if we’d overlooked that fact). Again, the words of Rear Admiral Stosz: “Sometimes, women are perceived as a risk factor. You have to be a confident man, comfortable in your own skin, willing to take the risk of reaching out to mentor a young woman.” Gentlemen, your efforts to promote and champion women in the workplace may meet with initial pushback and derision, even questions about your motives. If this feels too scary or overwhelming, we kindly suggest that you stop whining and grow a pair.

5. Practice Humility (You’ve Probably Never Been a Woman)

Humility: the quality or state of being humble

Men, don’t presume to understand what your female mentee has experienced. It is 100 percent certain that her experiences have been different from yours. Laura Behling, PhD, Dean and Vice President for Academic Affairs, Knox College emphasized the importance of understanding these experiences: “One of the challenges with a male–female mentorship is simply understanding that the women that you’re mentoring are not men. They’ve had different experiences and expectations coming up through the ranks. You don’t have to know what those differences are but you do have to be willing to ask about them and then listen.”

Few things will get you off to a lousy start more quickly than assuming that your female mentee’s life experiences have been just like yours and that you therefore understand exactly where she’s come from and precisely where she wants to go. Dana Born, PhD, Air Force Brigadier General (ret), lecturer at Harvard University, explained why male mentors have to be aware of their perceptions: “Recognize that you’ve not had her experiences. Sometimes, the differences in experience for men and women are significant enough that they’ve got to be acknowledged upfront and continually as problems arise. Men need to have a sense that women may have had very different experiences in terms of how they’re perceived compared to how men have been perceived.”

Want some evidence? Here are just a few examples of how women’s experiences growing up and entering the world of work have probably differed dramatically from your own:²³

♦ From her earliest years, she may have been socialized to suppress anger, avoid conflict, and dislike competition, and to think twice about succeeding too much, talking about her accomplishments, surpassing men at work, or asking for what she wants.

♦ In relationships, she’s learned to be more comfortable openly expressing her feelings, discussing personal issues, demonstrating affection, and expecting reciprocal (versus hierarchical) relationships with others.

♦ Chances are, she’ll experience greater role demands outside of work than you and, therefore, greater tension about how to balance career advancement with family life.

♦ Her definition of career success may be quite different from yours. Perhaps less exclusively about salary, status, and the corporate ladder and more about intrinsically rewarding roles, self-development, and work–life balance.

♦ If she is a woman of color, she may have experienced double jeopardy in her life and career, working against both gender and race stereotypes.

And let’s face it: these differences are just the tip of the iceberg. The bottom line is that her journey to this moment in her career has been different from yours. You’ll be well served to remember this. Sandra Stosz, Coast Guard Rear Admiral, stressed a female mentee’s unique career interests: “So, you’re a guy and you want to mentor a woman, learn about where she is and try to meet her there, not where you are. Learn about the woman you want to mentor. Start with ‘what are your interests, what are your aspirations and goals, where do you want to go [in your career]?’ Meet her where she is and don’t presume she’s just like you.”

These gendered differences in experience can create mentorship challenges for men mentoring women. First, you might have difficulty empathizing with her. If she feels isolated, lonely, and entrapped in stereotyped roles at work, it could be hard for you to “get” her. After all, your experience may be quite different. Second, it may be difficult for her to identify with you if she doesn’t see parts of her own experiences embodied in your life and career. And if she can’t identify with you, then it may be much tougher for her to use you as a vital role model. Finally, when you discover just how unique and different her life experience and career challenges are, you might feel inadequate to the task of mentoring her. After all, how will you ever be competent enough with the female experience to be helpful? And let’s be frank, guys, nothing makes men feel impotent more quickly than not knowing what to do and how to fix things!

Feeling overwhelmed by the challenge of knowing everything you need to know about women and their distinctive experiences? We have good news for you! Just be humble.

If you can check your man ego at the door and approach her with genuine humility, that is, an interpersonal stance that is open and inviting about aspects of her unique experience, then we think the prognosis is good that you can be a helpful mentor for women.²⁴ We are talking here about gender humility, the art of being self-aware and humble about what you don’t know about women and then being transparent about what you don’t know while simultaneously demonstrating honest curiosity about a woman’s unique experience and current concerns.

Some men, in an effort to better empathize with their wives during pregnancy, elect to wear a “pregnancy empathy belly” for a period of time to simulate their partner’s discomfort and daily experience of pregnancy. In your own way, consider what you might do to approach female mentees with an attitude of humble inquiry about their lives and experiences.

6. She’s More Like You Than You Think

News flash from the mentoring front lines: although women have had very different experiences than you, all the evidence shows that they are not an alien species! In fact, they’re a lot like you when it comes to talents, career aspirations, and dreams about achieving a sustainable work–family life. Here is a simple tip: in most cases, the same things you might share with and do for a male mentee will be just as helpful and appropriate for female mentees (of course, prudence and good judgment are required)!

Guys, we can quickly get ourselves tripped up and tongue-tied when it comes to becoming supportive colleagues for women if we overthink the “gender thing.” Yes, it is critical to appreciate her experience as a woman, to approach her with appropriate humility and seek to learn about her unique experiences, both good and bad. Yes, she may have faced more hurdles and obstacles when it comes to credibility and advancement (element 5 made that clear). But if you blow the gender thing out of proportion and behave as though her female status makes her too foreign, alien, and difficult to relate to, we guarantee she’ll pick up on your discomfort and insecurity and respond—quite appropriately—by keeping her distance.

Social scientists have clearly documented that gender differences have steadily narrowed since the 1930s. Women and men are more alike in their career aspirations, the jobs they prefer, tolerance for risk taking, probability of assuming leadership roles on teams, assertiveness and dominance, and competence in science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM).²⁵ Rumors of vast differences between women and men have been wildly overreported. She’s way more like you than you might realize.

Sometimes, we hear men use the tired phrase gender minefield in their excuses about why they choose not to mentor women: “I’d never get too close to a woman at work, it’d be too risky; I’m sorry, but mentoring women is a gender minefield!” Guys, the only minefield out there is the one women have to navigate when figuring out who the safe and reliable career helpers are. We heard from Brigadier General Becky Halstead on the minefield issue: “There is no gender minefield. Leaders have to do what is right despite the risk. If the standard is not being met, by a male or a female, you as a leader have a responsibility to correct it and not be afraid about a ‘gender card’ being dropped.”

Men, you can change your black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking about women merely by spending time getting to know a few beyond the superficial hallway hello. We witness this each year at the Naval Academy. Some new male plebes spend their first several months of indoctrination steering clear of female midshipmen, perhaps grumbling under their breath about why a woman would compete for a service academy appointment in the first place. And then, a funny thing happens. As these same young men actually come to know some of their female shipmates, and increasingly come to respect, admire, and appreciate them, they’re forced to revise their preconceptions and admit that they enjoy far more in common with women colleagues than they imagined. Mere exposure and friendship go a long way toward melting barriers and highlighting similarities.

7. You Are Neither the First nor Most Important Man in Her Life

For better or worse, we all—women and men—drag our relational histories into here-and-now adult relationships, including our mentorships. Although we like to believe that new relationships—including mentorships—begin tabula rasa, that is, like a blank slate, it turns out this is never the case. This quickly became obvious in our interviews with women; many of them began by describing how their fathers, brothers, and husbands were formative and deeply important mentors. Dr. Susan Madsen, Orin R. Woodbury Professor of Leadership and Ethics at Utah Valley University, recalled that growing up in a home with six brothers made it natural for her to form relationships with men in her career: “I don’t worry like some women about relationships with men. It just goes right over my head.”

Just as you have man scripts for relating to women forged in the crucible of your own childhood, so too do women enter mentorships with their own scripts for relating to men. One of our favorite John Mayer songs, “Daughters,” serves as a reminder to all men that the expectations and reactions of the women we get to know will inevitably be wrapped up in her formative experiences with her father (and to a lesser extent, brothers, boyfriends, or a spouse). Was her father warm, encouraging, and unconditionally supportive? Was he distant, critical, or dismissive of her fledgling ambitions as a girl? No matter what kind of man you are, no matter how benign your intentions, echoes of her father experience will reverberate in your mentorship with a woman. Her previous relationships with men will cast light or shadow on her relationship with you.

Psychologists refer to this process as transference: the unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. We all tend to repeat in current relationships dynamics from relationships past. Enacting these old scripts often happens below conscious awareness. If you feel disoriented when a mentee is distrustful and suspicious of your motives or reliability, perhaps she is transferring her experience with a cruel sibling or emotionally abusive father. Or perhaps she is overly deferential and compliant, enacting a daughter script from a beloved but overprotective father. At times, a female mentee may unconsciously use a positive male mentor as a compensatory figure.²⁶ This means that, on some level, she is using the mentor to make up for what she didn’t receive from her actual parents—often a father. Kathy Hannan, partner, KPMG Inc., underscored the meaning of prior relationships:

I grew up in a home without a father figure, but did see many men who really cared about girls and young women, be it a family member, an uncle, teachers in high school, or professors in college. It was really in college that I got the notion that I could build a trusting relationship with someone who cares about me, would challenge me and really get me out of my comfort zone, while at the same time building my confidence.

If you are a solid, caring, trustworthy, and reliable man, there may naturally be elements of your mentoring relationship with a woman that are reparative for her in ways she may only appreciate much later. But here is the catch: you are a mentor, not a psychotherapist. If her relationship with you serves in part to restore her faith in herself and allows her to become more trusting of men, we think that is a wonderful mentoring outcome. But beware the temptation to rescue, re-parent, or heal wounds left by other men. Too many of us can easily get our knight-in-shining-armor or Father-knows-best scripts triggered by a woman who appears injured and vulnerable. Be a steady, unconditional friend and career advocate. Don’t become enmeshed in old scripts—rescuer, healer, protective father—that may ultimately sabotage her growth and autonomy.

Gentlemen, remember that her scripts for relationships with guys will often operate below her everyday awareness. It is not appropriate to pry or push her to disclose about her childhood or relationships with other men. Don’t be a creep, and watch those boundaries! However, if you notice that her consistent reactions to you appear unwarranted or out of left field (e.g., prickly anger, doubtful suspicion, anxious avoidance), sometimes a simple Socratic question might help set the stage for a fruitful discussion. For instance: “I can’t help but notice that you often ________. Can you help me understand what I might be doing to cause that reaction?”

Finally, guys, remember that transference is just as likely to be positive and facilitate a strong mentorship with a woman! Betsy Myers, advisor to Presidents Clinton and Obama, offered an excellent example:

I would say my dad was someone who always mentored me in a way that taught me about risk taking. He was the one who told me, “Why not try it and go for it.” When I couldn’t decide about the Obama campaign, he’s the one I called and he asked me, “Why not?” He’s the one who taught me to do what you say you’re going to do and go for it, work hard, your word is everything, read and study everything to learn your craft, be the best you can, get up early, show up early, those kinds of things.

Retired Air Force Brigadier General Dana Born demonstrated the implications of having a father as a mentor:

When I was sixteen, my mother left the family and my father somehow balanced all of his professional demands with the challenge of raising and mentoring three teenagers. My dad sacrificed tremendously to invest in us, and was the most remarkable mentor and father we could have hoped for. Given this experience, continuing to be mentored by men during my military career felt quite natural.

8. Take Initiative and Be All In

One of the most consistent themes from our interviews with key women in leadership was the importance of having men initiate mentoring relationships. Rather than stand on the sidelines waiting for women to approach them for help, excellent mentors were described as “all in” from the start. They offered career support, advice, and encouragement without being asked. When describing her primary mentor, Admiral Michelle Howard said, “First, he reached out to me, I did not approach him.” Betsy Myers recalled that her male career champions were proactive and perceptive: “The beauty of it is they see something in you that maybe you don’t see in yourself … they made time for me, made time for meetings, made time to help me deal with whatever was on my mind.” These experiences dovetail perfectly with the research evidence. For example, a large study of MBA graduates revealed that when a male mentor initiates a mentoring relationship with a woman, that initial interest and commitment translates into significant and enduring career outcomes; she receives more consistent and higher-impact mentoring.²⁷

Guys, we know what you’re thinking: Why can’t women take the initiative for a mentorship? The truth is that many women do seek career help from men, but they sometimes face resistance and risk career consequences when they try. Because they are frequently excluded from interactions with in-group leaders and key information networks, they have fewer opportunities to be noticed by and naturally interact with power holders, often men.²⁸ Even if women are noticed, some guys are reluctant to mentor women because they think it’s the organization’s senior women who should do that. Other men are honestly afraid that they’ll say or do something that will get them keelhauled by HR. This means that when a woman approaches a prospective male mentor, it can be like making an unwelcome cold call. In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg commented on this dilemma for women: “Women have been trained to go out and ‘find a mentor’ in order to make it in their careers. But asking someone to be a mentor can be a total mood killer when it comes to a budding relationship with a senior person … especially when you hardly know the person.”²⁹ Instead, men have got to be intentional about identifying promising women and then reaching out and inviting interaction.

There are other forces keeping women on the sidelines when it comes to seeking out men who might mentor them. Socialization practices can play a role. Sometimes the behaviors girls learn to enact—deferring, taking a passive approach early in relationships—work at cross purposes with attracting a mentor.³⁰ Guys learn growing up that “fortune favors the bold” when it comes to mentoring—women, not so much. And let’s not forget that women take other risks when initiating interactions with men. Again, Sheryl Sandberg pinpoints the concern succinctly: “A senior man and a junior man at a bar is seen as mentoring. A senior man and a junior woman at a bar can also be mentoring … but it looks like dating. This interpretation holds women back and creates a double bind. If women try to cultivate a close relationship with a male sponsor, they risk being the target of workplace gossip.”³¹

Gentlemen, are you really all in? Are you ready to be that guy? If so, now is the time to step up to the plate and start deliberately interacting with some of those everyday Athenas. What builds good working relationships early on? Quite simply, it comes down to frequency of interaction. In study after study, the mere exposure effect in social psychology shows that humans are hardwired to feel attachment and positive feelings for those we see and interact with most often. That means you’ve got to get out of your office and actively initiate conversations with junior women. Even introverts can do this well; they just have to work harder at it! It won’t do to be like one of our favorite undergraduate professors who placed a doormat outside his office that read: Is this visit really necessary? And guys, deliberately initiating relationships with women and pushing them into the organizational spotlight will be good for you, too. A recent study from the University of Colorado found that when male executives promoted diversity in hiring and advancement, they got a noticeable bump in their performance reviews. What happened when women pushed for other women? Their performance reviews actually declined.³²

Gentlemen, we close with a warning about a sensitive topic: the M word. We want you to start noticing, initiating conversations with, encouraging, and promoting the everyday Athenas in your workplace. We want you to show that you’re all in. But Do Not call yourself her “mentor.” Let her do that. This might seem a bit counterintuitive in a book about mentoring, but imposing a mentor–mentee label on the relationship is presumptuous and may even imply ownership and hierarchy in a way that makes her feel trapped and obligated. Words matter. The term mentor must be earned; it can never be claimed. Later, perhaps much later in her career, she may look back on your efforts with appreciation. She may honor you by referring to you as a mentor. Savor those moments!